This will be my last letter to you before I get to see your beautiful little face. I have a C-Section scheduled for February 8 @ 8:00...only 8 days away. I'm filled with so many different emotions I don't even know how to articulate them all.
First and foremost, I'm scared. No, terrified. Last weekend, I started having anxiety attacks thinking about going into labor without your Daddy. It's ironic that I've wanted to have a natural birth since day one, and now the thought of it scares me half to death. I don't think I can emotionally get through it without Daddy by my side, he was my rock and the one who made me feel invincible. I talked to the doctor about it at my last appointment, and my anxiety on top of my high blood pressure added to the fact that we think you're already gonna be a big boy, we thought it best to get you outta there. You're taking a toll on my body, buddy. I know of a lot of it is my emotional pain converting into physical pain, but either way - I'm ready for you to come out!
Pregnancy is supposed to be a magical time. I feel angry for both of us that we got cheated out of that because I've had to focus all my energy just on getting through the days without falling apart. I've found myself in the deepest pits of despair, on my knees worried I may never get up. This is not an experience either one of us should have to be going through right now. I'm trying to take care of you. If Daddy were here, he'd be easing my pain with foot massages, back rubs, and taking good care of us both while getting so anxious to meet you. I don't really have anyone to share this with anymore. Faith comes the closest, and she is so excited to meet you and help me take care of you. But of course, it's not the same.
Even though fear is at the top of my list of emotions right now, I don't want you to discount my excitement for meeting you, baby boy. Am I scared? Definitely. Am I worried? Yes. Am I already totally in love with you? Without a doubt. I'm really just focusing on surviving the day, but I promise to do my best to love you and provide for you no matter what.
I really can't wait to meet you, to see your handsome face and remember what I was doing this all for in the first place. And as much as it hurts to not have Daddy with us to greet you into the world, I know he'll be by my side watching over us both. I hope you look just like him. I can't wait to tell you all about him.
I can't be everything you need, but I promise to be everything I can be. Please just come out safe and healthy, and we'll take it from there.
I love you, Carter.