Everyday Kings

the new guy

2012-01-25T18:00:00.000-05:00

So, my closest friends and family know this already, but it's time to let the rest of the world know:

I'm dating.

Yes, you read that right. It sounds weird to me too. I never thought I'd ever say that - people thought I was ridiculous for thinking I'd be single forever, but I truly believed it. Not only because I couldn't imagine loving someone the way I loved Jeremy, but also because I never thought there'd be anyone out there who'd be willing to take me and my baggage and my three very young children on.

Thankfully, I was wrong.

Where do I begin? Before I start to tell you all about this wonderful guy, let me begin by saying this: I'm not here to play games. I'm not dating just anyone for fun and I have a lot of grieving still left to do. Jeremy will ALWAYS be a part of my life, my story, and my children's lives and I would never settle for anyone who wasn't understanding of that. Anyone who is going to love me is also going to love Jeremy. End of story.

Lucky for me, God placed this incredible man in my life and it's undeniable how perfect we are for each other. In fact, I saw God weaving our lives together before I was even ready to accept it, and it scared me cause I didn't think I was ready. But he has been incredibly patient with my fragile heart and the last few weeks have been completely life changing for me, if for nothing else than the fact that he has opened my eyes and heart to possibilities I couldn't see before. He has given me hope for a future I never thought I could have.

Everyone, meet Steve:

And no, that's not his real mustache :)

I've known Steve for almost 2 years now. We share a few mutual friends (in fact, some our best friends, which is quite nice). It helps that I've known him awhile. I know his character. I know he is an incredible dad. I know he loves God. I know and love his daughters and our children are friends. I know what his good friends think about him. I know what he's been through.

Aside from the fact that I've known him awhile, we have both been through painful experiences. I have been praying for Steve for a long time, and for his daughters, while they struggled through a painful transition in their lives. We both know what it's like to hurt for our children, to grieve a future we'll never have, and we have both tasted hopelessness in its ripest season. One of my favorite things about him is that we both have perspectives about life that most people don't get to have: We have loved and lost and we no longer take those things for granted. It changes the game.

If that's not enough, Steve is a grief counselor (insert ironic chuckle here) and works in Hospice. In fact, he was the director of Camp Hope where Faith attended this summer. And he is probably one of the most patient and thoughtful people I've ever met. He's romantic and sweet, but shares the crass sense of humor that I miss so much from Jeremy. And speaking of Jeremy, not only did he know Steve, but they were friends - not close friends, as he lives out of state, but I remember Jer really liking him - and I trust Jeremy's judge of character like none other. And our girls seriously look related, it's freaky:

New Years weekend brought us together, along with our mutual friends. And we've had a great time together since. We've spent a lot of time talking on the phone, getting to know each other better and really determining if this would work or not. Our friends, knowing that we were well matched, have spent a lot of time praying with me and helping me open up my heart to the possibility of letting someone in. Steve has managed to calm all of my fears and reservations with his patience, kindness, and understanding.

The more I get to know Steve and his daughters, the more I feel God working in our relationship. But it has not come without bumps. This is scary, it's new, it's different. It's changing some of my other important relationships. It has brought me face to face with pieces of grief I had not yet experienced. I think my biggest fear is that people will see me in a new relationship and think that I'm over my grief.....but it's not something I will EVER 'get over' - it's with me for life. I'm afraid people will stop mentioning Jeremy and stop talking about him around me, and that would just completely break my heart. Steve is so great at asking me question about Jeremy and letting me talk about him, he understands where I've been and he appreciates who it's created me to be. He also knows that Jeremy's family is my family and they mean the entire world to me.

I've spent hours upon hours talking to Jeremy about not just Steve, but also about letting him go enough that I can let someone else in. I prayed God would show me right away if this relationship wasn't something good because I couldn't put my children or my heart through that and I didn't want to waste my time. I spent the first couple weeks trying to find things wrong with Steve, and honestly, nothing stuck. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel such peace from Jeremy about Steve. He treats me so well, he genuinely cares about me and my kids, my kids love him, he cares about my relationship with Jeremy (he has told me that one of his favorite things about me is the way I love Jeremy because it lets him know that I am loyal, which is a love he's never experienced before), and he wants to take on the responsibility to honoring him and remembering him with me - everything else seems secondary.

I have a long way to go. I am still figuring out who I am and who God wants me to be in the midst of all the dust that grief has left me in. But I'm thankful to have found a man that I not only care a lot about, but also a guy I know Jeremy would approve of.

And no, that's not my real mustache either :)

Thank you to those who have encouraged me, who have prayed for me and who have let me express excitement in a new relationship. Happiness these days still comes with a lot of guilt attached to it, cause I don't know how to do it without Jeremy. Luckily, I'm discovering that I don't have to - I get to bring him with me.

It feels good to feel good.

I posted this on my facebook status from another fellow widow blogger, and I've carried it with me since:

“We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

oh to be naive

2012-01-24T20:00:00.000-05:00

Hello my love,

It's been awhile since I've been able to put my words down for you. But every once in awhile, talking to thin air doesn't seem to suffice. Sometimes I feel you there - most of the time, actually. And your presence has become one of comfort, instead of a reminder that you're not here with me physically. But not always.

The other night, I was rocking Carter before bed. He hardly ever lets me snuggle with him anymore, since he's gotten so squirmy, so I enjoyed my time just reading to him, rocking him, singing to him, and talking about you. This is always the most painful part. I told him about how much I wish you were still here for him so that he could know you and what an incredible man you are. I told him about how proud you would be of him, and how beautiful you would think he is. I told him how much you would love our new home, and all the great things we picked out for him.....then something suddenly occurred to me:

I would have none of these things if you were still here.

I wouldn't have this beautiful house, we'd still be in our tiny home that was falling apart in a horrible neighborhood. I wouldn't have my new vehicle - we'd still be driving the Explorer until it died and then we'd have to buy whatever we could afford, which wouldn't be much. I wouldn't have all the beautiful things we bought for Carter's room - I highly doubt that I would have had a baby shower for my third child if you were still around. I wouldn't even have some of the relationships I now have and cherish. This thought stung me.

I guess I've realized this before, but it never hurt me the way it did the other night. I wouldn't be who I am now if you were still here. I would still be a naive girl taking advantage of her charmed life. I guess that's part of the redemption of experiencing death so intimately: you are forever changed. It opens up realms of truth you didn't know existed and you watch the world from afar so differently. I would give anything to see you again, but knowing what I know now, I don't think I could go back.

I don't think I could ever see myself in a place where your death seems justified. I don't think that's even possible. I think you should still be here. But the hardest lesson I've had to learn is to take things from where I am now and figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. I can sit around wishing for your return all I want, but I know it will get me nowhere. I just have to take you with me.

I still have no clue who I am or who I want to be. But I am way closer than I was 14 months ago. You can't survive something so tragic without learning things about yourself. I know I've come a long way, and I know I still have a long way to go. It is still my goal every single day to make you proud.

I miss you, babe. I wish you could be here to celebrate Carter's first birthday in a couple weeks...I can't believe we're all still here, that we've made it this far.

I love you always and forever.

The change a year can bring

2012-01-23T02:32:00.001-05:00

I've made a decision to try and be better about posting. I always struggle with feeling like people have heard enough and don't really care to hear me continue whining about everything, but I have A LOT to share and a lot on my heart....and well, this is really for me. Cause I have a horrible memory and my only recollection of the last 14 months is from what I wrote down. And, I have been EXTREMELY busy.

Tonight, I want to start with just a little snippet about my trip to Gulf Coast Getaway this year. We just got back this week from one of the most incredible events we do all year long - I've blogged about it every year cause it changed my life big time. It has become a bittersweet event for me, because Jeremy went with me my first time, and last year I was 8 months pregnant...I just miss being there with him. I want to tell him about so much. Like how beautiful it was there this year, the best weather I've seen yet for January in Florida:

I spent a lot of time on the beach this trip. I thought so much about this beach and the milestones it has taken me through. Two years ago, we sat at the very beach and cried with a hurting friend, prayed together, and solidified a friendship that will last a lifetime. Last year, I sat alone on this very beach, in the cold, screaming curses to God with tears streaming down my face and fury and confusion in my heart. This time, I thought a lot about how much change a year can bring. I stood on this very beach with a different song in my heart, at a different place in my life. I cried a lot for Jeremy, but not the way I did last year. This year, I cried a lot for my brother too...for some reason, his loss hit me hard on the trip. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I feel closer to God in His beauty and creation. I pray more by the ocean. I breath deeper. I listen. But no matter what ups and downs I experienced on this trip, what I kept thinking about was how much different it could be in a year from now, on this very beach.

What I also know is that through all my ups and downs, I have incredible friends. This event brings me together with dear people I only get to see a few times out of the year, or JUST this time every year. But they are treasures to me:

This year, I got another tattoo. This one I've been wanting for awhile, for Jeremy. Sarah and I have gotten both our tattoos together, which is very meaningful to me...and her tattoo was with Jeremy in mind as well:

Overall, it was a great weekend. I always encounter God in a powerful way at Gulf Coast. I even adopted a little boy from Haiti named Johnsley. The kids and I are very excited to write him some letters and learn more about him! It was a highlight of my weekend.

I tried to take lots of deep breaths to prepare me for the changes of another year...

rock bottom

2012-01-11T23:28:00.000-05:00

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life" -J.K. Rowling

I read this a week or so ago and it has been swimming in my head ever since. I wanted to write for New Years, but the truth is, I have been too busy and too exhausted for writing lately. I kept thinking about last year...the dread of starting a new year without my husband was so heavy, I was shaking and made myself go to bed before midnight so I didn't literally get sick to my stomach. My prayers were so heartfelt, I thought for sure I wouldn't have to wake up the next day because God would have mercy on me. And now here I stand after surviving the absolute worst year of my life. Where do I go from here?

I guess I can only go up from rock bottom.

Unlike last year, I was ready to ring in a new year. I am ready to recharge and restart. Not without my love - EVER - but carrying him with me to the next phase. I have no idea what that looks like, but I know that God has shown me way too much for me to hold onto the horrible grief with white knuckles like I have been. There are so many pieces to this statement, however. I am in no ways whatsoever done grieving. In fact, I still daily face different facets of grief that continually knock me down and shock me to my core. There may never be a time when I really wrap my head around the fact that Jeremy will never be here again. It still doesn't make sense. The kids are still grieving and I find myself grieving for them as well. It's just down right sucks what we've been through and continually go through as a broken family.

And, staying true to the roller coaster that is grief, I can tell you that every day is different. I do still grieve heavily and have had an emotional week, but I am definitely in a better place. God is pulling me in the right direction, and Jeremy is pushing me from behind. I can feel his presence still, almost daily, and it brings me a lot of peace. I don't know how else to explain it. So, I wanted to start my year of posting on a positive note. It won't always be - but today I thought I'd try.

The week after Christmas, I got to spend some time at Jeremy's grave, by myself, for the first time ever. I had the most incredible conversation with him and found it painful to leave. It always is. But even though I sobbed all the snot out of my head probably, I still drove away with a peace and a sense of Jeremy's protection over me. It was good and painful and necessary.

After hitting rock bottom this past year, I found level ground to start rebuilding. The truth is, I'm ready to go home and be with Jeremy but I have this feeling that God has something planned for me here. And as long as I'm stuck here, I want to make the most of it. I want to live a life that Jeremy would be proud of. One thing I know he's proud of is the friends he's sent to me in my life, and they are one of the main reasons I've been able to start rebuilding my life. Definitely the biggest reason. They keep me afloat and have shown me so much over the past 14 months.

So maybe this post is going nowhere. Maybe it makes no sense. Maybe it's not happy or positive. But, it's me. And it's where I'm at. I'm still here, still grieving, still blessed. It's a weird spot to stand in and gets very confusing. So I'll just wrap up all this nonsense with some fun pictures of my wonderful friends at New Years:

Happy (belated) New Years. May you go up from here.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-23T23:04:00.000-05:00

I am missing you bad today babe. I laughed histerically when I randomly remembered your crazy thrust dance you did in your boxer shorts and your 'seduction' face you use to make...and right after the laugh came incredible heartache. I could see you so clearly in my head, you felt so close for a second. It's been happening a lot lately....it struck me that it's been 2 years since I've celebrated a Christmas with you - that cannot be right and it's sickening to think about. I had gotten to the point where my memories didn't hurt and I could smile thinking about you. But not today.

Your beautiful niece turned 1 today. I wish you could have met her, she is a miracle and absolute sweetness, but I know you've been watching over her this year. I can't wait to hug her for you in a few days.

Realizing that tomorrow we'll have two gaping holes in our Christmas left by you and my brother is horrifying. I don't understand why it happened this way. All I can say is that unlike last year, I am relived to begin a new year. I am relived to get out of 2011, the most life-changing year of my life. I'm ready to just face something new, something other than constant grief and tears. I'm ready to find joy.

I love you baby, forever and always. I miss you more than anything.
Merry Christmas, my love.

mosaic

2011-12-18T22:18:00.003-05:00

I have been at a stand-still lately. Unable to form words, unable to express the evolution of my heart the last few weeks. I miss you so very much, and the freshness of it sometimes is enough to take my breath away. The moments get further apart, and the feeling of being blessed takes over, but you are always there as a reminder of how great a loss I've had.

The other day, I started cleaning out the scrapbook area in the basement. It was the only section of the house that hasn't been unpacked yet. I uncovered so many things in those boxes: pictures, written letters, things the kids made for you, special things I had written down to remember. I was reading Faith's mini-album I made her for her 3rd birthday, and she told me she wanted to grow up to play ball like her daddy and that her favorite thing to do was wrestle with you. The most painful were the letters that you had written to the kids for their birthdays. I actually didn't remember you writing one for Caleb (I remember bugging you about it, but I didn't know you finished it) so when I found it in his envelope, it was like someone had punched be in the throat. Baby, for all that I have suffered and lost, I grieve so much more for our children. I could give you up if it meant our children could have their daddy back. You were such a wonderful daddy and the wound was ripped open new the other day going through it all.

After going through all that, I ached to find more of your things, read more of your things. I wanted to feel close to you and spend time with you and my memories of you. So, I went back through the box I keep next to my bed, full of letters and keepsakes over the course of our relationship. All the letters I wrote for you for different milestone anniversaries - I had finally opened them a few months back - and they twist the dagger in my heart as I realize I will never get to speak those words to you or read the letters to you. Then, I read the letter I wrote for you to read if I died before you. I've read it a few times (and I say very few, because it is too much most of the time) and have debated sharing it. Today, I am able.

Hello my love,
If you are opening this letter, it means that my life has passed before yours. I have always said that I would rather die before you so that I wouldn't have to live a day without you. Even though it's too late now if you are opening this, I know now that I would rather suffer without you than to make you suffer. I never want to cause you pain. I am so sorry if this is causing pain and suffering, but please know that it will be okay.
I have tears welling up right now while I am writing this just thinking about all of our memories. Words cannot express the joy and love you have shown me. I have never in my life found anyone who can make me smile that way you do, who can heal my wounds as quickly as you, and who can fill me up the way you do. I know that even if I lived to be a thousand, I would never find that again. Baby, I love you with all that I am, and no one can break what we share.
I want you to know that my life was such a blessing. God has blessed me with so much. Even if there was something that I didn't get to do, I know that it won't matter anymore. Now I can look down from Heaven and be satisfied knowing that you are moving on and being happy, and doing all the things you dreamed of. More than anything, I want you to be happy. No matter when I die, no matter how old, that is my wish for you. As hard as it is to say, I want you to be able to move on. Don't forget about me. but know that as long as you are happy, let your heart and God lead you.
Promise me one thing - let God take over in everything. If we have children, don't let a day go by without them knowing that I love them, and that God is the only one who can change their lives. If not, tell yourself that. I need to make sure that this is not the last time I get to see you.
I don't want to leave anything unsaid or unfinished, and I am sorry if I have. There is nothing more that I can think of to tell you other than that I love you. You are the love of my life. You are my one and only. Nothing is more important to me than that. Thank you for filling my life full of love and laughter and giving me so much to remember.
This is my chance to say good-bye. My prayer is that you will only remember the good things. I know that I'm not perfect and that I've had my moments of regret, but you far surpass any obstacle I could face. God gave you to me when I needed you the most, and He has let me keep you in my life as my husband. You are my greatest gift and my biggest treasure. You are my angel. I only hope that I have left with you half as many wonderful memories as you have given me. I know God has an awesome plan for you, so reach for the stars. When you get there, I will be waiting just beyond.
I will see you in Heaven, my love. I can't wait to see you. I miss you already. I love you with all that I am.
Love always and forever and ever and ever and ever,
Your Vee

A few things came to my mind when I read this. The first is how young I sound (20 is young, though). The second is how little I knew about loss and death when I wrote it. If I had to write it now, I might be more practical, and tell you how it might hurt to breathe and it's okay to curl up into a ball if you need to. Or I might write about how to take a break when taking care of 3 kids on your own becomes too overwhelming, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Or I would tell you to take things at your own pace and not worry about others and the way they grieve, everyone is different. Or I would tell you that there would never be anything more painful in your life than losing our love, but if you could survive that, you could survive anything. Or maybe I wouldn't change it because at the end of the day, the only thing there really is to say is that I love you and I want to see you again.

But every time I read it, I tried to hear your voice in it. I remember wishing you would write me a letter like this just in case. I would have BEGGED you to if I had known, just to have something to hold on to. So I pretend you wrote this to me. Truthfully, I CAN hear you in most of it, I know you would say the same things. I know you want me to be happy, I have felt you telling me that a lot lately. I tell the kids every day how much you love them - they will never doubt that. And I have felt even to a greater degree after your death, how much you love me. Such an ironic experience to appreciate love and life in a way you could never possibly before and no longer have it to appreciate.

I guess I just want you to know that I love you, and I am holding on to the pieces left behind. Like a mosaic masterpiece, all these little pieces that on their own are just useless, broken pieces of glass....but when all the broken pieces are put together can create something meaningful and beautiful. Slowly, I am putting something together piece by piece. I don't even know what it is yet, they still just seem like useless broken pieces of my heart, but I put them side by side and try to fill in the empty spaces left behind with love and memories, family and friends, and trust that a masterpiece is being created. It is not what I intended to do with my heart, and the pieces will never come together in the same way again, but I see now that it can still be beautiful and meaningful.

Thank you for teaching my about life and love. I miss you every single day and I WILL see you again. I love you always and forever.

Happy Birthday Bro

2011-12-04T00:39:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to take the time to wish my brother Brian a Happy Birthday today - he would have been 27 today. The sting of his short life is still painful - almost 5 months and I've yet to really process the fact that he's gone. It became all too real for me when I finally got to see his grave today. It's beautiful and my mom and other family members have taken such good care of it and had it all decorated for his birthday

But, I just couldn't believe my brother was there. How is he under the earth? It's not right, he should still be here. I just can't make sense of it all. We drove out to Brighton to celebrate my other brother Matt's birthday (their birthdays are a day apart) - and I prayed the entire drive that he'd be able to enjoy the day and find some peace. We took him out to lunch, and it was good to be with family. Something about being all together that feels right.

Sometimes, I have a hard time digesting all the crap that's happened in the last year. Some days I can be strong, some days I fall apart, some days I think about other things. Today, I just really miss Brian and his vibrancy, and watching him with his son, and play with my kids, and tell stupid jokes, and hang out.

Happy Birthday Brian! We miss you every day, we're really struggling to put the pieces of our family back together - we need you here! Hope you're enjoying a grand celebration today - can't wait to celebrate with you again someday.

I love you, bro.

Holidays

2011-11-29T09:21:00.001-05:00

Holidays.

Anyone who has lost someone close knows that dread that comes along with holidays. In fact, I remember prior to Jeremy's death how grateful I was to have never lost someone so significant to me to put a damper on my holidays, I always had so much to be thankful for. Oh, how much can change in a year.

I didn't get to write about Thanksgiving this year. It was Carter's first Thanksgiving, the first in our new home, the first year hosting, my first time attempting to cook a turkey....and the first without my brother. As I was preparing the night before, frantically cleaning the house and baking cookies, butter tarts, and apple pie in Jer's honor, I felt his presence. I felt how proud he was of me for keeping it together (and for making his favorite Canadian food). The day of though, I noticed that the absence I felt stronger was my brother's. Perhaps because it was my parents and other brother who came for Thanksgiving that made the hole feel so deep. And perhaps it's because I deal with Jer's death every day and have become used to the fact that he's not around. But just like the reality of Jer's death took awhile to really settle in, I just can't believe I'll never see my brother smile again or play with my kids. I'll never hear "I love you sis" or hear his sweet voice call me on my birthday like he did every year. I'll never eat his famous chili again or play cards with him or ride roller coasters with him every Memorial weekend at King's Island. I really miss my brother.

The next day, I mustered up the energy and desire to decorate the house for Christmas. I used to jump up and down for the day when I could decorate the house with my little family. Even though it usually consisted of Jeremy tinkering with his itunes playlist to choose just the right Christmas music, which took him literally hours, while I hung up everything til he was done and ready to hold up a child to put the star on the tree - it was one of my favorite times. I think the only real pull for me to do it this year was because I have a new, beautiful house to decorate and two kids begging me to put 'toys' on the tree...it's hard to not get into the spirit for them. And truthfully, it felt good. I remember last year only putting the tree up for the kids and having Sarah help me so I didn't come unglued. I almost did. And it was completely meaningless for me, I was drowning in sorrow. This year, as I carefully unwrapped all the individual glass ornaments, I replayed our life together told through those pieces.
Jer's moose ornament.
The reindeer one he picked out when I worked at Pottery Barn.
Our first Christmas ornaments.
The fabric red heart with our picture inside.
The cluster of ornaments we got as a wedding gift from a friend my mom worked with, including a little bride and groom and a mailbox that is hand-painted with "The Kings" on the side.
And all the priceless ornaments the children have made.

I used to be picky about the tree, not wanting it to look 'tacky' with multi-colored lights and ornaments that were falling apart but I feel so differently now. I opened our new Christmas tree that was given to us by the radio station last year, complete with built-in LED colored lights, and it made the kids soooo happy! This tree represents our family: it tells our story of messiness, color, and memories. It's priceless. My whole life is up on the tree this year.

I felt like the old me for awhile as I got so excited to get a few new decorations for the house. I even created my own centerpiece with all the vases I've gotten over the last year:

The warm presence of Christmas is back in our lives. I'm trying not think about the fact that my brothers birthday is this weekend or the fact that there will now be two giant holes at Christmas time this year and how hard that is going to be. I'm trying to focus on something bigger. Something hopeful. I read this today in my daily emails this morning:

"One thing about being in grief is that your sorrow is certain, and your loss is so real you literally taste it to the depth of your being. You have to have a certainty that is bigger than the certainty of your sorrow."

I have to. I just have to.

Baby, I hope you feel how desperately you are missed and the void that can never be replaced. There is just no sense to be made of your death. All I can do is carry on with the certainty of something bigger and knowing that someday, when I see you again, everything will fall back into place. You are my compass. I will stand for our children, who are growing like weeds and still talk about you every. single. day. I won't have it any other way. We love you so deeply, you are forever woven in our hearts and souls. Please wrap us in your love and protection as this holiday season approaches for us and the feeling of your absence will magnify. And please, give my brother a giant hug from me and tell him how much I miss him.

I miss you too, baby. Deeper than I know how to express.
I love you forever and always.

Can I say this?

2011-11-26T19:07:00.001-05:00

I carry your bible around in my purse. I love to open it and look at the old newspaper clipping of your grandfather and his 13 siblings that you used as a bookmark, or the piece of scrap paper that had a worship set scribbled on it - there is something about your handwriting that pulls at my heart.

Last Sunday, I found this. 2 Timothy 4:6-8 boxed and highlighted, with a note you wrote beside it. My heart always skips a beat when I see your handwriting, so I stopped immediately. Then I realized this is the very verse we used for your funeral, for the programs, and I believe the verse you used to write with your autograph at singing gigs. I sat and stared at it through tears, reading it over and over and over.

I think you could have lived a very long life and still never quite felt like you fulfilled this verse. Maybe that's the point and any real Christian knows that we're always striving. And maybe I've had times where I doubted this in you (and myself) when you were here. But babe......oh, babe....what an amazing thing grace is. Look at what's become of your life and your legacy! Look at the lives that have been forever changed, forever benefited from your story and your love. You CAN say this and sometimes the image of you in Heaven makes me smile so big for you, cause I know you've found your peace. It's always a painful smile, though, as I selfishly wish you were still here. I'm humbled to watch how God has allowed grace to use an imperfect man to create beauty and life. Neither of us could have ever believed it the magnitude of it, but I am so proud of you.

I guess it gives me hope. So many times in the last year, I've beaten myself up about how horribly I was handling everything, how much I was still hurting, the horrible thoughts and desires that would run through my head. But I recognize that God can use brokenness, doubt, even darkness to shine light. As long as I keep my eyes ahead, I have seen the true testament of what can become of life served for God. I'm trying, baby. I really am.

Just know that I love you more than I can ever tell you and I miss you every single day. I don't know what to write here anymore sometimes, but my heart has gone through a roller coaster. But every single day, I'm thankful I got you - even for such a short time. I would never trade it. You did good, baby. You fought the good fight. You finished the race. I can't wait to meet you at the finish line.

I love you always.

legacy

2011-11-19T22:44:00.001-05:00

I can honestly say that I've never known anyone outside of fame that has been honored and remembered as much as Jeremy. My husband. The man I got to stand beside for 8 short years. I knew he was a great man, but I could have never understood the depths of the work he did and continues to do for God's kingdom. His life is still blessing.

Last night, The Jeremy King Memorial Dinner took place. A formal dinner comprised of limited seating, a catered meal, silent auctions, and touching entertainment by One Time Blind, the evening was absolutely amazing. The decorations were unbelievable and just right to honor Jeremy, all the way down to the fishing pole exhibits and fresh cut wood centerpieces with burlap flowers. Some of Jer's closest friends stood up to share stories about him, and made us laugh and cry. To top off the evening, Rochester College (where Jer was employed and also where Jer and I met and attended school) presented each of our children with scholarships should they choose to attend there. I was completely speechless. Just when I think no more could possibly be done, I am floored to see God's love pouring in for our family.

I think the one year mark left me at a very strange place. The dust has settled. People have gone back to life. A part of me started to feel very lonely in my grief - and left me dealing with this pain face to face on a daily basis all alone. People don't come around as often - and that's ok, but like almost anything, if you think about something often enough for long enough, you start to go crazy. I felt like I was going crazy, quite literally....maybe I made Jer up, maybe it was a dream, maybe it's been longer than a year, maybe it's really only been a week, the list goes on. But then an event like this takes place and reminds me that I am not alone. Jeremy is remembered by so many, loved by so many, grieved by so many. He is not forgotten, nor is the legacy he's left on this earth.

It was a wonderful evening. It was a heartbreaking evening. It was a devastating evening. It was a hopeful evening. The hardest part for me was hearing individually each of Jer's closest friends attest to the way that Jer loved me and our babies, and the way that he talked about us...I knew it in theory, but there's something about hearing it from someone else that completely ripped my heart out but filled my soul at the same time. I truly did not deserve that guy.

It's so humbling to stand in the place where my husband has left. I feel his love and protection in the way that he's surrounded me with the most incredible people on the planet, he's allowed this writing outlet for people to walk this journey with me, and has continued to shine through the beautiful faces of our children. I know there is so much going on in the world, so many people in need of prayer, time, and money....and to know that people will still use that time to bless my family just moves me to tears. I can only pray to leave half the legacy that my husband has left.

Baby, I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of the man that you became, I'm proud of the people you chose to surround yourself with, I'm proud of the community you've created and participated in. I'm mostly proud to be yours.

I miss you every single day and that will never change. Sometimes it's still suffocating - like yesterday while I was cleaning and found your sweater in the coat closet...it smelled like you and tears hit me so fast I could barely stand up straight. I haven't smelled that smell in awhile, and it instantly brought me back, then brought me to my knees. Sometimes, though, missing you doesn't always sting anymore. Thankfully, I can think about you and smile. I can tell funny stories about you and laugh. I can remember you with pride in my heart instead of jealousy (most of the time).

I will carry you with me everywhere I go. I can't get over what an incredible man I married.
I love you always and forever babe.

one year

2011-11-11T06:39:00.001-05:00

I remember thinking often, Where will I be at the one year mark? What will I say? What will I write?

One year has finally past since Jeremy died, and truthfully, I still don't know the answer. I really thought the anniversary would just be another day, not more or less painful than any other day since I live this grief thing daily. But as the weeks approached the date, all I wanted to do was get it over with. I thought 'If I can just get this dreadful day over with, then maybe I can breathe again.'

I remember where I was at 6 months - I was suffocating. For weeks up to that mark, I felt this anxiety so deep and heavy my heart wouldn't settle down. And then the day came, and the sky didn't fall and I was still alive - and utterly shocked. I came to recognize that the anticipation was worse than the actual day. So I figured the same would be true for this week. Only, I've been ok lately. As much as I hate to say that, everything has been ok. My kids are happy and healthy, my friends are amazing, and I've made it to a place where I can think about Jeremy without constantly breaking down into tears. As strange as it sounds, I hated feeling alright....grief is familiar, and people looking in connect my grief with my love for Jer...if I am ok, I must be 'moving on' right? But that's not it at all...I've just finally come to accept the fact that this is my reality and I can either live it and make myself miserable or live it in a way that honors my husband and what I know he would want for me and our children.

But then November 9th came and knocked me to the ground. I woke up feeling like someone was standing on my chest, had horrible back pain and dread throughout my entire body. I woke up weepy, which I haven't been in so long because I've built up so many walls. Yeah, I've been okay but damn it, I miss Jer. I miss my life with him. All I wanted to do was sleep - which is a rare luxury for me. A few wonderful people took the kids for me so I could do that. I barely moved most of the morning. I just stared off into space, eyes full of tears, aimlessly trying to figure out where I was and what I was doing - which is a state I'm familiar with from those first few weeks/months of grief. Basically November 9th sucked.

There was something very special that happened that brought me back to a place of peace. I received an incredible email....

Veronica,

I know you don't know me and quite honestly I really don't know you - although it feels like I do as I saw you about this time last year at the Belpre Youth Rally (Awaken Event) just shortly after you'd walked through some of the hardest days of your life. I think I sent you a note shortly after that just telling you how horribly sorry I was and that so many of us were committed to praying and that has continued through this year. Your blog has made your heart and the heart of the one you lost so evident to so many of us and we are all better because of it.

Several months ago I made a note on my calendar to remember this day and do something that I felt might possibly honor the life of Jeremy. I know it won't make today hurt one ounce less. I am so aware there is no "fix." I just know that sometimes in the middle of so much of this, you are afraid that as time passes people will "forget" who he was or how kind he was or how amazing a husband or daddy, or just how stinking good a man he was. I wanted in my own little corner of the world, in my own little way to be able to remind you that today we'll take time to honor his life.

So...I am certain you don't remember, but at the Awaken Event, Called and Compelled Ministries was asked to be the beneficiary for the Sunday MorningContribution - where you all were leading worship. We had the coffee shop in the lobby attempting to raise funds for a ministry which helps the poor and forgotten in the country of Honduras.

Over the past 48 hours or so people who love and support the ministry have raised enough money to build a house today. It is what I hope will be the first of annual builds on this day. We have searched out - in a culture that doesn't encourage or regularly produce men who are good husbands and daddy's - thanks to God, we have found a family that we believe has a man who is attempting to do the best with what he's got to provide and lead his family well, but he needs a little help.

In one of the roughest neighborhoods in this city, the house they're living in is falling down around them and so we're going in today to build them a home. To celebrate this man who is wanting to be God's man. He will receive a picture of Jeremy and one of your family (with your permission of course) and we will tell him the story of a man who loved his God, his wife, and his family and lived that out well - in the hopes that it will serve as an inspiration for this man to do the same.

The family has 5 kiddo's all sleeping in a one room house in one bed - the wife just got a microfinance loan for a tortilla oven so she is making some money to feed her family by making and selling tortillas in her community. We will send you some pictures of the build later today.

We just wanted to do something to let you know that Jeremy's life and your story are worth remembering. So while we pound every single nail today, we'll be praying for you and your family and we will be thanking God for Jeremy's life that is touching people even in other countries at this point.

I pray that the heart behind this is conveyed. Purely and simply we think Jeremy's life was an inspiration. Thank you for telling your story so that others might know the kind of man that he was and might be inspired to follow in his footsteps.

Today we build the first "Kings Quarters" house - the first of many I pray.

Please know that people all over this world are lifting you to the Father today.

On behalf of all of us at Called and Compelled...may God's hand hold you so tightly today Vee.

Love and blessings,

Jen and the other Called and Compelled folk :)

I sat and sobbed on the stairs, completely speechless. I know that I will never find justice in Jeremy's death, no matter how much good is done.....but how could I not be absolutely humbled and grateful for the life of my incredible husband?! Here I sit drowning in grief, in a beautiful home, with beautiful children - safe, comfortable, clothed, and fed - consumed and unaware of the tragedies on the other side of the world that Jer's life is bringing light and hope to. I felt such deep sorrow and honor at the same time.

In the evening, I attended our Wednesday church service, which was dedicated in memory of Jeremy and all those who have died in our congregation over the last year. I couldn't keep it together.

Do you feel the confusion of my day? The incongruity of events and the emotions I've gone through - there is such dissonance between my random mental state and my understanding of it. It was quite the roller coaster....as most of my life over the last year has been.

My conclusion is this: death sucks and hurts like hell. There is still such a void where Jer belongs, but I will say that grief is not all-consuming all the time anymore: I can smile without forcing it. I can be thankful for my blessings. I can recognize hurts greater than my own. I can appreciate the life my husband gave and led, while still feeling his protection over me - these are big steps for me. I haven't always been this way.

I'd like to say I came away with something monumental after surviving a year of living without the love of my life. I'd love to say something inspirational, something that will encourage or bring hope for others. Someday I will, I feel it brewing - but not today. Instead, I will borrow someone else's words that I'm holding on to today:

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu

I love you babe.
With all that I am and all that I know and all that I have, I love you. There is no way to adequately describe my disbelief that I've lived an entire year without you. It can't be possible. The only explanation I can come up with is that the love we shared is still strong and evident, and has kept me going. You have somehow kept me going.
Most days, I don't feel like I'm any better off than I was a year ago. But there are those few days here and there where you show me hope. You show me light, in the faces of our beautiful children and in the hearts of those around me.
I know I still have a long way to go. This journey will never end. I will miss you every single day until the day I see you again. Until then...I'll just have to wait.
I miss you.
I love you always.

see

2011-11-08T00:32:00.004-05:00

I don't know what to say or write. My heart is heavy. Another widow blogger expressed what I'm feeling so well. "The procession of time and the procession of the heart truly do not move at the same pace." This is so true.

I'm stuck. But I leave here the lyrics that have been on my heart today.

I miss you baby.
I love you always.

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this pain
Is that you I hear?
Laughing loud and calling out to me?

Saying see, it's everything you said that it would be
And even better than you would believe
And I'm counting down the days until you're here with me
And finally you'll see

But right now all I can say is, "Lord, how long?"
Before You come and take away this aching
This night of weeping seems to have no end
But when the morning light breaks through
We'll open up our eyes and we will see

It's everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And He's counting down the days till He says, "Come with me"
And finally

He'll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new
Just like He promised

Wait and see
Just wait and see
Wait and see

And I'm counting down the days until I see
It's everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I'm counting down the days till He says, "Come with me"
And finally
We'll see

Wait and see
O taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
The Lord is good
O taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good

-SEE, Steven Curtis Chapman

ordinary moments

2011-11-07T01:53:00.001-05:00

November 6:

I remember a few very specific moments or flashes from this day last year: Sitting in the break room at the gym, texting you with my new phone and being thrilled that I got reception with it. Pulling up to Max and Erma's to get us a table while you parked the car. A nice dinner with our sweet little family and watching your sexy smile all night. Going to Target to pick up Lady Antebellum's new Christmas CD. Sitting at the kitchen table while you texted me that 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' made you miss your mom.

Simple, ordinary moments. And some of my most prized memories.

I am holding on to every single moment I can. I had too few of them.

I miss you babe. I can't believe this is still happening.
I love you always and forever.

surrender

2011-11-06T03:31:00.000-05:00

Words have failed me lately.

I have so much going on in my head and my heart, yet I haven't been able to write anything or put any of it into words. I don't know how to describe this strange place I've found myself in.

I've found myself battling time. I still wish I could rewind the clock - just to see you, kiss you, hug you again, even just once. But sometimes I wish now I could fast forward the clock - fast forward to a place that doesn't hurt as much, past the plague of 'one year', past the loneliness and despair to a place where I can smile without pain and find contentment with the blessings I've still got in my life. I see those moments in passing, but if I'm going to be stuck here I have to believe there is a place where I can settle in with those kinds of moments some day. It's the sitting here in the now that's driving me crazy, unsure of where I'm going.

November 5. This evening last year we went out to dinner with Jodie, Gary, Chris, and Vicki at Rochester Mills and then headed over to pick up our brand new phones, and you finally got your iphone. I remember what shirt you were wearing. I remember you getting home and taking this pic with the kids:

That's you. You were here once. It seems hard to believe sometimes. And yet, a year feels sickening to say. If I let myself sit in the moment, if feels like yesterday. But an entire lifetime has passed since then. I know I'm a different person and I've come a long way in the last 12 months...most of it forced, things I didn't want to face, experiences I didn't want to have without you, strength I didn't want to find. But I survived it anyway. I grew anyway. I endured anyway. I thrived anyway. I didn't ask for these things, I resisted every moment and yet here I am, still standing and probably stronger than before.

What's weird is that I had convinced my mind that this week would be alright. The anniversary of your death would be ok because I've been ok. I don't know why, but I just want to get past it. But my body knew....I've been sooo tired and unmotivated. I haven't wanted to be social. I've been eating terribly and not caring, reverting to how I was a year ago. No matter how I much I had convinced myself that this would all be ok, my body does not believe my brain. It has anticipated this week.

So, I'm surrendering. Trying to stay low-key, taking time to talk to you and remember. Talking to the kids about you a ton. Just wrapping myself in you and how much we love you.

I miss you babe. No matter where I go or what I do, I've come to terms with the fact that I will always miss you.

I love you always and forever.

just get through today

2011-10-28T00:56:00.001-04:00

We flew into Louisiana today. You always loved to fly. So do I, though I rarely get to. I was thinking that the last time I flew was in January on our way to Gulf Coast Getaway.

It was 2 months after you died.
I was 8 months pregnant.

All I remember was being on the plane and praying for it to crash. Maybe everyone could survive but me. Or I would find an eject button on my seat....I couldn't see past anything besides being with you. And I remember being so disappointed when we landed safely.

Now, I can thankfully say I'm in a better place. I'm past that. I don't want to leave my children to become orphans - I know you would never want that either. I can't say that the future doesn't still scare the hell outta me, but I can say that today, I'm ok. If I can just get through today, I'll be ok.

We landed safely. I laughed a lot today with friends. I got through today. I think I'll be ok.

I miss you baby.
I love you with all that I am.

you were JUST here

2011-10-26T01:31:00.001-04:00

I don't know how to explain this place I feel like I'm in. This place of disconnect, like I made up this whole chapter of my life in my head. I'm getting so used to this day to day as my new normal, that I sometimes feel like you were just a dream...

But then this evening I go downstairs to put stuff in the kids 'keeper' bins, and I come across these notes from you - I can't remember now the exact reason you wrote them, I think it was just a random day you wanted to do something sweet. But I saw your handwriting and you rushed back to reality for me - so quickly that it made me shake and cry uncontrollably, which I hadn't done in awhile. I realized....you were JUST here.

I miss you babe. Thank you for the love you poured onto us.

I love you always and forever.

show me

2011-10-24T23:44:00.000-04:00

You could plant me like a tree beside a river
You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in a battle
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me
But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
Oh, not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me

-Show me, Audrey Assad

zed

2011-10-22T22:49:00.001-04:00

What an honor it is to have been your wife.

Last night was the tribute concert for you at Great Lakes. It was a great turn out and it always means sooo much to me to see how many lives you've affected and how many people still care. All the guys did a great job singing, my heart was broken and filled at the same time.

I've been doing ok, for the most part. The anxiety about these next couple weeks comes and goes, but yesterday you were everywhere. I laughed when I crossed into Canada without any issues whatsoever and the second I rolled up my window I heard you clear as day say "I love my country." And I giggled - I always agreed with you at the border.

Once we got to your sisters and the kids were playing with some toys, they were listening to one particular toy sing the ABC's....all the way to "zed" - and Faith, looking confused says "what is zed?!" You would have said that it's what the letter Z is actually called, but I told her it was something crazy Canadians say. And the next morning, Faith was very curious as to whether or not you learned the alphabet with 'zed' when you were a kid....and they were just cracking up. It just really made me miss our silly banter and all the weird things you do in Canada :)

We took a walk around the mall yesterday, the same mall with the jewelry store where you bought my engagement ring. I told the kids about it, they love hearing stories about the different places you used to be....and that's one of my favorites.

So many of my memories live here in this place, therefore, pieces of my heart are all over this town. I realized that it's not just your past anymore or the place where you lived and made memories. It's mine now too. It will always be a part of who I am and a part of my past, and hopefully always a part of my future and the future of our children.

It goes without saying, but I miss you. Terribly.
I love you always and forever.

the big stuff

2011-10-20T00:00:00.000-04:00

What I have found is that many day to day moments become so anticlimactic without someone to share them with. And most of them are moments with our beautiful, brilliant, hilarious children - and I have no one who understands just how magnificent they are in those little moments.

Like when Carter learns something new. Of course he does and will continue to, but I want to pick up my phone and text you about it, cause you'll find it just as exciting.

Or when Caleb started riding his bike without training wheels and I had to hold back tears that you were missing it! That should have been a father/son moment....instead I frantically searched for people who might be excited about such a milestone to share it with.

Or when Faith got her first loose tooth tonight. I could see the excitement in her eyes - a mark of a growing girl. I wanted to jump up and down for her, and she can't wait to tell everyone at school tomorrow. Such a silly moment that had me giddy for her and falling apart on the inside cause I just wanted to turn around and see your face there. "Look, babe! Our baby girl is getting so big - she's got a loose tooth!" I say in my head. "No way, not my little princess....that's amazing!" you say back. All while our little blonde haired blue eyed angel smiles from ear to ear with pride. And when we laid in bed together later, we'd talk about how unbelievable it is that our little girl is growing so fast.

These are the moments families are made of. And no matter how much we talk about you or draw you in our family pictures or incorporate you into our lives, you're still missing the big stuff. The itty-bitty, insignificant to anyone else but us, big stuff.

I miss you babe. Every day.
I love you always.

turning point

2011-10-19T00:48:00.000-04:00

I think I've come to a fork in the road.

As the one year anniversary of your death approaches and hovers over my head, I feel so much anxiety, disbelief, and sorrow for just having to survive it. Not necessarily the day, but the entire idea of you being gone a whole year. I also cannot believe that I'm still standing. An entire year, are you sure? On this day last year, we were making applesauce together as a family. The last real pictures I took of you were one year ago today. It suddenly feels like a lifetime ago.

On the flip side, I've noticed a turning point in my grief. I pointed it out to Sarah the other day, I've felt like I'm finally at a place where I can look outside myself. Not all the time, it comes and goes, but it's there. A few people I know are suffering lately: my parents who are still very heavily grieving my brother, a friend who is going through a dissolving marriage, another friend whose mother is in the hospital - they have all been heavy on my heart. And for the first time since Jer died, I really felt the truth: things could be much worse. 6 months ago, no one had seen a greater tragedy than me and my children. And even if I prayed for others, I still felt such injustice for my own situation. I still feel the injustice sometimes, but I'm coming to terms with it. We live in a fallen world, God said the load we bear would be heavy. And even in my darkest moments lately, I'm able to see a few things: I have loved and been loved, I have seen what love can do. I have been given many incredible blessings in my life including three beautiful children and wonderful friendships. I found this as my Facebook status last year:

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

I don't know that I will ever stop desiring you, babe. Ever. But what I know is that happiness is a decision and I have very consciously decided to hold onto my unhappiness. It's safe there. And you're there. I don't want to let go of my grief and lose the grip I have on you. But every time I grab pieces of gratefulness, or dip my toes into thankfulness, I realize you're still there. Just in a different form.

Sometimes I have no idea what I'm talking about. Okay, most of the time. This grief journey has proven anything but predictable. Today, I feel thankful for what God has shown me out of the ashes. Tomorrow, I may be covered in soot. I just want to remember that no matter what I do or where I go, I know you'll be there no matter what.

I'm still holding on to my promise. I'm gonna make you proud someday baby.

I miss you.
I love you always and forever.

Hurt

2011-10-13T01:31:00.001-04:00

I have this constant struggle inside my head. One voice is telling me that I don't want to keep doing this alone, that I eventually would like to have someone by my side, who cares about me. The other voice is telling me I'll never be ready, I don't ever want to let you go and change the things I've build with you and because of you.

What it boils down to is that you hurt me, in the worst way possible. You loved me fiercely and still, my heart was crushed, stomped on, and dragged through the mud. Neither one of us did anything and my world still came crashing down. You still left. And I'm terrified of being hurt again.

How can I ever let anyone in my heart knowing that I can lose them just like that? I can't bear this hurt again and I think it'd be easier to just live in the shadow of the wound I'm still nursing.

I don't have any answers. I know how much this hurts, but I also know that I would do it all again just to know you and love you and be the woman who gets your heart.

I miss you babe.
I love you always and forever.

still here

2011-10-12T02:03:00.000-04:00

Hi baby,
I'm still here. Still hurting. Only it's not as sharp anymore, it's just a numbness that has taken me over. Maybe it's to protect me from what's coming up, I don't know. But I'm thankful the sharpness is gone for now. I'm ready for things to change. I'm finally taking better care of myself physically (16 pounds down, in fact) and it really is helping me emotionally. It's just giving me more energy to face each day.

I promised you that I would make you proud, and I feel like I haven't been doing that lately. I want to change that. I want to live a life that reflects the love you gave to me and who it created in me: someone who knows love and can pass it on. To our children. In my friendships. To my family. And maybe, someday, to someone else. I don't know much, but I know feeling sorry for myself is getting me nowhere.

I am going to make you proud babe. I promise.
I miss you.
I love you always.

proud daddy

2011-10-09T00:44:00.000-04:00

Caleb riding with no training wheels!

I know you're a proud daddy today.

Spent the weekend at camp, since we we had to be up there to sing. The kids loved being able to sleep in the cabin one night. They both remember coming last year - this exact day last year, actually. Only we came to sing with you, I got to stand next to you and sing. Faith remembered that you wiped your sweat with your shirt after you played basketball with Jon - how on earth does she remember details like that?!?

Our little baby is 8 months old today - how can that be? He's got 5 teeth he's working on, poor kid. But he's sweet as candy, and loves loves loves to play with your ring on my necklace. It's always the first thing he reaches for, and if I say 'DA' he looks for it. I don't know why but it's very special to me. I just like to pretend he knows, somehow, and has a strong connection to you.

I miss you baby. I wish you were here, more than anything.

I love you always and forever.

a shift

2011-10-06T21:24:00.000-04:00

I've noticed a shift. It wasn't over night, rather subtle. I first noticed it on the drive to Canada a few weeks ago and it happened when I was at your memorial stone yesterday. I've found myself now talking to God more instead of you. At first, it made me angry and upset cause I felt like you were drifting away from me. But I realize that's a natural progression of things, and that's eventually where I'm supposed to be right? Talking to God? We didn't speak for awhile unless I was screaming at Him or pleading for Him to bring you back. And when you didn't, I just talked to you instead. But I feel you guiding me where I'm supposed to be, speaking to the right audience. And maybe I'll never stop talking to you but I'm starting to allow God to show me bits and pieces of what a future might look like, or at least of me accepting that I still have a future.

I never used to be a pessimist. I don't mean to whine all the time, but it's honestly how I feel and I can't shake it. I want to be positive, I want to plan a future somehow, I want to see good, I want to take a deep breath again someday without heaviness in my heart.

Help me find peace, love. I don't know how to find it on my own.

I miss you.
I love you always and forever.

random

2011-10-06T01:11:00.000-04:00

Sorry it took us so long to come back to your memorial to visit. I pass by all the time and want to stop by but we just haven't. I can see your name on the stone from the road, and it sends my heart to my throat every time. I can't believe I'm reading your name. That's you. You're dead. How can that be? But it was good to be there with you. I want to bring things to you, but don't know where to put them or if they'll last or get ruined.

I spent a lot of time today picturing you in this house. Which spot would you pick to sit and watch TV? How high would you stand in the hallway? What would you look like sitting at the desk, washing the dishes, folding laundry?

I miss your laugh today. I can still hear it in my head, but I feel like it's fading.

Carter was such a happy baby today, so so sweet. We did good, baby. I wish you could see him and how handsome he is. You would just be smitten, I know it.

I got so mad today when I was thinking about an event and couldn't remember if you were there or not. I wasn't sure if it happened before or after you died. I felt so embarrassed that it's starting to feel that way, it's frustrating!

Watched the Notebook tonight. Why? I have no idea. I hadn't seen it since it was in theaters and didn't remember the ending. It smacked me so suddenly, I wanted to throw the TV outside and cuss and kick and scream. Stupid movie. Stupid old people in love who get to die together. Stupid sappy crap. My 3 year old tantrum came out. It's just not fair.

Just random bits and pieces that basically all add up to me missing you terribly.

I love you with all that I am.

you should be here

2011-10-05T01:16:00.000-04:00

Today was an absolutely beautiful weather day. The perfect fall day to go to the Cider Mill. Any other time, I would be jumping up and down, literally begging you to take me, but this year I did it out of obligation to carry on our tradition and cause I promised the kids I would take them. Oh yea, and I had a coupon for a dozen free donuts.

As soon as we got there, I went instantly back to every year we've gone, looking at the bench we sat at to eat our donuts last year, the spot the kids sat to take their picture two years ago, the stairs where I took a grumpy picture of Faith cause she didn't want to have her photo taken when she was 2. This was literally right at the top of my list of favorite family things to do and I felt you missing today so much stronger than before. You should be here picking out fudge with the kids, petting the goats and chasing Caleb down the trail and walking the kids along the river. You should be here making yummy noises while eating the fresh donuts and complaining about the ridiculous price of a tiny cider slush that you are required to get for me. You should be here pushing the stroller, letting Carter taste donuts for the first time (which he LOVED by the way - no shocker there, he's your kid) and tickling him and smothering him with kisses.

You should be here.

The kids remembered too. When we turned the corner to get in line to buy donuts, Faith and Caleb said 'remember when Daddy took us to the Cider Mill when I was 3? Remember when Daddy said the goats were really stinky? Remember when we got to watch the donuts being made with Daddy?' I pray every single day that their memories of you never fade.

I miss you baby, in a way I can't put to words. You should be here, damn it.

I love you with all that I am.

less than a decade

2011-10-04T01:03:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I will have only known you in my twenties. We started dating shortly after I turned 20 and got married shortly before I turned 21. You died when I was 28. That's it - less than a decade. The best and worst decade of my entire life. And it's pain and experience will bleed onto every other decade I live.

I want to find happiness in the decades to come. If I'm gonna be stuck here, I want it to mean something. I want to be loved. I want to feel meaning in my life again. I want the kids to thrive and rise against the odds. I want there to be more than this...

I'm having a hard time with the fact that one year is approaching. It's not the day itself, but the idea of it all is suffocating me. I'm back to crying every day, finding myself pacing for no reason, forgetting things, get lost in thought. I'm realizing how much healing I still have to do, how scared I am for the future, and how much I still just hurt like hell.

I miss you baby.
I love you always and forever.

I love you

2011-09-30T23:15:00.001-04:00

I just....love you. More today than yesterday and I know it will never end. I just need you to know tonight how much I appreciate you loving me and giving me what so many people only dream of - unconditional love. I'm so honored to be yours. I'll always be yours.

I hate every day of living without you. But I know I would do it over and over again just to have you for eight short years. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I miss you baby.
I love you always and forever.

4:34

2011-09-30T00:33:00.000-04:00

My mom used to tell me that whenever she saw 7:28 on the clock, she'd make a wish. 7/28 is her birthday, and she thought it was lucky and I started noticing the time when I saw it on the clock too.

Now, though, I always seem to notice the time at 4:34. I don't know why it became so significant to me, but that's what time I sent you the last text before you died. I only know that because you sent a text at the same time to Mark. Only, I never heard back from you. And now, I see that time on the clock constantly and my heart skips a beat. I always wonder....did you get that text from me? Did you read it? And right when all this was going through my head today I looked at the clock only to see it again. 4:34.

The unknown is a horrible place to be. And I think it may haunt me forever. And even when it subsides and I don't think about it as much, every time I see that time on my clock, it will take me there no matter what.

I miss you baby. If you didn't read my text, it just said "Love you!" I re-read a few times a week on my phone.
I love you always and forever.

surrender

2011-09-28T21:05:00.002-04:00

"The only thing worse than the shock and disbelief that your husband is dead is the lack of shock and disbelief that your husband is dead." -Dear Audrey

A fellow widow and blogger wrote this awhile ago and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. This is where I am right now. I had a rough couple of weeks and when I think about how fast the next month is going to go before I hit 'the one year anniversary,' it makes me sick. But mostly, this is getting more livable. I'm getting used to being in this empty house at night. Maybe 'used to' isn't even the right term - more like, I expect it.

Today, an ambulance drove past us on the road so Faith started asking questions about you. I've told her the story: the guys called the ambulance when they found you but you were already dead. She wanted to know why. But as I was in the middle of explaining, the ease of conversation about it started to make me feel ill. I'd almost forgotten for a second that it was a real event. Yes, you're dead. Yes, that nightmare really took place. And I sat there talking about it like it was a story in some book we read.

Today that moment, that evening, that awful awful night seems like eons ago. It's supposed to be a good thing that this is less shocking and that I'm supposedly getting closer to healing, but it bothers me. It bothers me that I'm getting used to this. I'm getting used to just living day-by-day, not really sure where life is going to take me, still feeling like I have no purpose or future other than just surviving so my kids can have a life.

You feel so far away today, baby. I'm glad the kids can still recall events so crystal clear about you, it pulls you back closer and reminds me that you were here just a short time ago. Gosh, I miss you.

Maybe what I think is surviving is really me just surrendering to what life has become for me. I'll do it for as long as I need to so that I can get to you some day.

I miss you more than words.
I love you always and forever.

Carter the ham

2011-09-27T23:33:00.001-04:00

The other day while I was playing with Carter in bed, it suddenly dawned on me that I am never going to actually see you with him. I don't why these little details about widowhood creep up on me like that. Of course I knew it, but the reality of it smacked me in that moment. I love telling Faith and Caleb about the way you looked at them when they were born, how captivated you were with them, how much you loved them....I'll never get to share those kinds of stories with Carter. All I get to tell him is that you were so excited to meet him.

Vicki and I were talking about how unbelievable it still seems that I was pregnant when you died and how we all questioned God's purpose in timing. I'm not nearly as bitter and angry as I used to be, but I definitely still have those questions floating in my head: Why would God take you now? But what we both recognized is that Carter saved me. In some very egotistical ways, being pregnant allowed my tragedy to break through a lot of people's hearts and wallets and my family was lifted because of it. But more importantly, I think Carter kept me going because I had no other choice. Babies don't allow you to be selfish. Carter saved his brother and sister. I can't just curl up in fetal position in bed all day, no matter how much I want to, because his little life depends on me getting up and moving forward. He saved me and our family. Perhaps God used the opportunity to bring him knowing that I would lose everything and therefore he would becoming everything.

It's still heartbreaking knowing that this time last year, I was falling asleep to your hand on my belly, feeling for this little guy to kick. He's such a ham, babe. He's a happy baby and completely spoiled. He loves his momma and has started to now say 'da' when he grabs my necklace (which is about 100x a day). He's clapping and blowing raspberries but still lazy as ever when it comes to rolling around or moving. He has three teeth coming in at the same time, which makes for an unhappy baby, but he is generally a very happy boy who growing like a weed.

I never thought I'd get to a place where I'd utter these words, but thank you for giving him to me. I know this was not in either of our plans, but nothing ever seems to be right?

I miss you baby. I wish you see the look on your son's face when I throw him in the air. That's the way I imagine him looking at his daddy.

I love you always and forever.

goodnight

2011-09-26T00:51:00.000-04:00

It used to be that I couldn't sleep unless I wrote to you and told you about my day. I need it to do it for both of us. Now, every once in awhile, I fall asleep before I get to. And for the first time, I'm ok with it. I'm trying to soak it up and be okay with it.

Please forgive me. I'm so tired of not sleeping for the last 10 months, that I think my body is trying to catch up. Thanks for letting me have some peace about it though.

Know that I still love you more than anything in the world. I still mourn you every night and talk to you, but sometimes I just don't have the energy to type it all out. Tonight, I just wanted to tell you that I miss you terribly and my heart can't find the right way to adequately express it.

I miss you.
I love you.

wait for me

2011-09-23T23:29:00.000-04:00

I've decided that if time indeed does not exist in Heaven and maybe there's no distance between us, then maybe you can't feel my ache for you here. I need you to know it. I need you to watch over us.

I need you to be waiting for me when I get there.

I imagine that outside of my understanding, maybe both is possible. I told Sarah that I fantasize getting to Heaven and standing at the pearly gates, and making a run for it, towards you. I will knock anyone over who's standing in my way, people who get there before me will just have to wait. I give a head nod to God and tell him to hit it and with a 'you got it' nod back, He plays my slow-mo music while we run along side a beach towards one another slowly and dramatically. Sarah said she'll play defense for me and block anyone who tries to get in my path. It will be cheesy and perfect until I finally touch you and then the moment is just ours. I see the look on your face and feel your familiar arms around me and know that I'm home.

These are the daydreams that keep me going a lot of days. It just sucks that I'm so young and will likely have to wait a long time before I get to see you again. Hopefully I won't be old and wrinkly in Heaven. And I hope you're exactly the way I remember you.

I miss you baby. I'm so lonely tonight without you.
I love you always and forever.

what if

2011-09-22T00:25:00.002-04:00

I play this torturous game with myself pretty regularly, where I wonder what I would do if you came back today. I don't mean to play, my mind plays and my heart can't help but join. Every time I think about it, I feel my heart jolt, almost fooling myself into believing it could be possible. But the let down after still hurts every time.

Every time I think about what I would do. What would I say? I imagine myself dropping to my knees, sobbing, in sheer and utter gratitude more powerful than any emotion I've ever felt. I'd hang on to your neck, kiss you, and scan my fingers over your face, soaking in every inch of you, asking you where you've been. I'd tell you how you wouldn't believe the hell we'd been through but it suddenly seemed like nothing with you standing in front of me. Then I'd take you to Carter, so you could finally meet the handsome boy we created.

I often think that if everyone were able to feel this kind of devastation in their hearts without having to suffer the actual loss in reality, it could change the world. It would change marriages, families, relationships. It's ironic the knowledge that comes with loss when you can't use it to appreciate what you no longer have.

"'What' and 'if' are two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: 'What if?'..." -Letters to Juliet

It does haunt me. Every single day.
I miss you baby.
I love you always.

sucker punched

2011-09-21T02:16:00.000-04:00

I don't know what it is lately, but I feel like I keep getting sucker-punched with reminders that you're never coming back, and the terrible effect it is having on our family.

Heaven has been on my heart and mind constantly lately. I talk about it with the kids, so that they don't fear death and they know that you are happy and in a good place. Before we pray, we talk about what you and God and Uncle Brian are doing up there, and what they think Heaven will be like. I try to keep it lighthearted, but I know they ache for you. Caleb said he wished we had a giant ladder to put on our roof so you could climb down from Heaven and not be dead for a little while. Faith told me that she cried for you today (she didn't want me to know) because she missed you and dreamt of you.

Caleb asked me today if I wanted to get dead. It threw me off cause I was afraid of what he was asking. I think he was just trying to sort out in his head if I was going to leave him, but my heart nearly fell to the floor when he asked. The sad thing is, Sarah and I were watching Biggest Loser tonight and there are 60+ year olds on the show this season talking about how they want to stick around for a long long time to watch their grandchildren grow up and all I could think of is 'Gosh, I don't want to live that long.' This feeling kills me, and I feel so guilty for thinking this way. I don't want to leave our children, I don't want them to grow up as orphans. I'm not suicidal. But I ache for you and for Heaven so deeply, it consumes me sometimes. This may be part of the motivation behind Caleb's question.

The real slap in face happened this afternoon when I went downstairs to do my Insanity workout. The kids were playing down there and I hadn't paid much attention to what they were doing. Suddenly, I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized what the kids were doing - they were playing house and taking turns being the Daddy who dies. What stopped me was Faith's panicked voice as she frantically tried to wake up Caleb calling out 'Daddy! Wake up! Are you okay?!' It sent chills down my spine. If Caleb laid there too long, Faith would magically bring him back to life. When they traded places, they talked about how they would die - heart stopping or drowning. OUR KIDS SHOULD NOT KNOW OF THESE THINGS! I fell to my knees, rocked back and forth on the floor, sobbing.

Oh, Jer, I wish I knew what I was doing. I feel like I should be doing better by now, but I'm suffocating in this. I'm so heartbroken that our kids are exposed to such pain and loss at such a young age and they don't understand it. I wish so bad that I could take this away for them.

I miss you, baby. More than anything.

I love you with all my heart.

Quirks

2011-09-19T23:26:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about your quirks. Those little things that were just you, they pop in my head a hundred times a day.

Like every time I run down the stairs, I think about the way you'd take the stairs sideways. I don't think I ever saw you go down the stairs straight on. Which inevitably makes me think of your walk. No one has a walk like yours - trust me, I've looked. I've lost my breath a few times when I've caught a glimpse of someone with your stature, your shadow, a movement like you - but I've never seen anyone walk like you.

Every time I make the kids PB&J, we have them 'super-folded.' It was your invention to try to convince the kids that your sandwiches were the coolest. And it worked. They asked for super folded sandwiches all the time.

The way you held the steering wheel.
The way you always slept on your left side, cause you're right shoulder hurt to sleep on.
How you looked when you dropped to your knees at the front door to welcome running children screaming "Daddy's home!"
The way your ears went red when you were nervous.
The way you sat on your knees instead of sitting indian style - Caleb does it too.
How you cleaned your fingernails when you washed your hair.
The way you'd eat sunflower seeds to stay awake while driving.
The shape of your hands as they'd slap the floor while playing with the kids.
Your signature
The way your voice got really high when you were laughing really hard.
The way your neck got red every time you got a haircut.
How you looked when you drew a bow.

Just little things I'll never forget, that were just you. Some were things I didn't even realize I'd notice, but in their absence seem so distinct.

I miss you baby. And every weird, crazy, unique thing about you.
I love you always and forever.

time

2011-09-19T05:22:00.001-04:00

Maybe the beauty of Heaven
is that there is no distinction between now and when
Time does not exist so there is no distance between us.

Now, here, time is my prison. It holds me captive while I count down the moments til I see you again.
But maybe the splendor of Heaven is that for you, I'm already there.
You get to wrestle with your daughter,
play cars with your son,
and hold our sweet baby boy.

Maybe it's only us who have to wait.

I miss you baby. I can't wait to see you again.
I love you always.

future and past

2011-09-18T00:08:00.001-04:00

Spent a nice, chill day with your family. It was an absolutely gorgeous day.

They could never understand how much they fill my heart.
Mum showed me pictures of you I had never seen. I read through your baby book. Aside from holding back tears, my heart sank for your parents and all they must have to endure to lose a son like you. I grieve for a future I will never get. They have to grieve a past and an entire life of love for their child they watched grow from a precious baby. I can only imagine.

I love their stories, especially about you. The kids enjoyed going through all the pictures of you, I loved that they loved it. I still can't get over how much Caleb looks like you as a kid - it's uncanny. I wonder if it will be difficult to watch him grow to look like you the way I remember you, the way you will forever be frozen in my memory. I hope, instead, it will bring me peace and joy.

Baby, please hold my heart tonight, let me feel your presence. I miss you so.
I love you with all that I am.

tears

2011-09-17T01:25:00.000-04:00

Today, completely out of nowhere, was an incredibly difficult day. There was nothing special about today in particular, but I shed a lot of tears for you.

It started this morning. A sweet friend gifted me a compilation of CDs she's been collecting for me that she thought I would enjoy or connect with. One was Steven Curtis Chapman's "Beauty Will Rise." I knew the backstory already - the album was made out of the tragedy of losing his 5 year old daughter when her older brother hit her with his vehicle. Unthinkable. I knew the songs would be relatable but I honestly, obliviously, did not expect the emotion it evoked in me. The very first song literally had me sobbing with tears so big I couldn't see where I was going. It articulated Heaven for me in a way I'd been unable to do and it was breathtaking. And heartbreaking.

But it wasn't just that. It's been a tough week without you. We drove up to your parents tonight and it was a long, hard trip. Carter was screaming and there was nothing I could do: he was fed, changed, and extremely tired. At one point, I think all 4 of us were in tears. I was calling out to God. I didn't sign up for this. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up on my own, some moments are so overwhelming. I was crying out for you, to you. I just can't believe how much this still hurts. I feel like all I ever do when I sit down to write you at night is lament, and I want to move forward, but it's just not getting any easier. My heart is still so shattered. I must have worried Faith, because I heard her quietly crying in between my sobs. I asked her if she was crying for me or for you, and she said she was sad for me. We held hands for awhile and I asked her to just keep praying for Mommy. Pray that I can be the best Mommy possible, that my heart will heal, and that our family will always stick together.

I don't know what else to do. I miss you so much it's killing me inside a little more every day. It just takes so much out of me to keep up with the life that used to take two of us to handle.

I cried because I miss you.
I cried for the kids.
I cried out of jealousy for all the people that still have what I've lost.
I cried for my brother, I really miss him terribly too.
I cried for everything you're missing.
I cried out longing to be with you.

I guess I just needed a good cry. There's something cleansing about it, no matter how it hurts to let out. I just wish I felt some sort of resolution at the end of it. But no - still just emptiness where you belong.

I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with your family. They always restore my soul and connect me with parts of my heart that are left behind here. I wish I could just wrap them all up in a big giant hug and protect them from the pain of losing you.

I miss you baby, so much.
I love you always and forever.

deja vu

2011-09-15T23:52:00.000-04:00

I had the oddest moment of deja vu today...

Your littlest man started clapping today. It's the cutest thing and you can tell he's very proud that he's figured it out. I was sitting on the floor practicing with him while we were both giggling, and I thought to myself 'We need to get it down just right so we can show daddy when he gets home.'

BAM. No wait, that's not right. Why did I think that? I suddenly remembered Faith being almost that exact age, staying at your grandmother's house while you out hunting for the weekend with the guys and she learned how to clap. I got so excited and we practiced all weekend so we could show you when you got back. I may have forgotten that memory had I not re-lived it today with Carter. But I remember the look of pride on your face when you came home and she did it on command for you. Maybe you were showing me that same pride for our little guy.

I haven't had a lapse like that in awhile, one where I actually believe you're not gone. I almost forgot the devastation of realizing I had done that. Oh, what I wouldn't give for a moment with you again.

I also felt that same smile of pride from you today when I finally finished the outside of the house today. Got everything painted, and with the exception of one window that I was too scared to get up on the ladder to do, I hung the shutters. I was pretty proud of myself. I know I'm capable of doing these things, I just really hate when I HAVE to.

BEFORE

AFTER

What a difference it makes. It feels so fresh and clean and I love it. It's silly that these little things are sometimes what makes me miss you most - I wish you could see it and appreciate it with me.

Your princess is now a ballerina, she started her ballet/jazz class today. I wasn't sure if ballet would be engaging enough for that little ball of energy, but she insisted. I wish you could have seen her dancing today, I could have cried watching her today. The silly grin on her face as she practiced coordinated moves in the mirror was just priceless. I think she is going to love it.

I miss you baby. I hate that you're missing out on our every day mundane-ness.
I love you with all that I am.

my greatest ministry

2011-09-14T01:39:00.002-04:00

My Facebook status last year on this day said: "Sometimes I forget that motherhood is my greatest ministry." It just jumped at me today, and has been swirling in my head since.

Your little man started soccer today. I had no idea he was so tall - he was the biggest kid in the entire place and I chuckled to myself about what a bruiser he is. All morning he kept telling me "I already know how to play soccer, my daddy teached-ed me before he got dead." All I could do was pray that he didn't say that to his coach. He managed fine, and I think he'll enjoy it. It made me feel good to know that I have him involved in sports, just doing something that boys should do - I feel like you'd love it too.

As I reflect on motherhood as my ministry, I find that I have really drifted away from my purpose. Lately, the kids have been really testing me. I don't know if it's because it's been mostly me with them lately and school is starting, or cause we've been home a lot more now and a new schedule is evolving, but we're all butting heads with each other. Faith is so sassy sometimes, Caleb's whining makes me want to shut my head in a car door...even Carter hasn't been sleeping well. I can't remember the last time they did something I asked them the first time I asked. I feel like I yell too much, and spend so much of my days being a referee between Faith and Caleb because they fight constantly. I find myself sitting on the couch at the end of a day full of running around, getting kids dressed, making lunches, cleaning up after kids, bathing dirty kids, and putting kids to bed feeling sorry for myself. Is this what life is all about? Is this it now? This imagery never bothered me or scared me before, but without you here by my side some days the weight is too heavy and I can't remember why I am doing this in the first place. I need you here to bounce this stuff off of, to balance me out, to take over when I'm stressed, to let me know when I've crossed the line, to discuss discipline and how we're going to raise these kids...

There are those moments, though, that make it all worth it...

Like when Faith gets off the bus, and she grabs Caleb's hand as we walk back home. "I missed you while you were at school Faith. I always miss you." Caleb says.
"I missed you too, brother."
Or like when I'm doing something completely ridiculous and ordinary to make Carter laugh hysterically and the sound seeps down into the darkest and coldest parts of my heart and warms them up.
Or like when I lay down for a nap with Caleb, and he always asks "Mommy, can we talk about things? Like Daddy and Uncle Brian and Heaven?"
Or when I wake up to Carter changed, dressed, and fed in his room because Faith wanted to help me out and let me rest.

My greatest ministry. Maybe this is all there is going to be for me, and I need that to be ok. I want to find contentment is just being a mother. A minister of parenthood. haha, I like the sound of that, though it's a terrible title, it alludes to me knowing what I am doing. And I have no clue what I'm doing. I just know they're all I have left of you, and I want to make you proud. I want to screw them up in our specific ways, they ways we decided on before and the ways I hear in my heart from you. And I know as long as I keep my compass on God, that's all I can really do.

I miss you baby. I wish things didn't have to be so complicated without you. Nothing is easier without you here.
I love you with all that I am.

so in love

2011-09-12T22:22:00.001-04:00

Today, I was thinking about our date to go see the Righteous Brothers in concert. I was surprised at how many details I remembered, since it was before we were even married. I remember what I wore, I remember the guy who gave us tickets in the 5th row, I remember holding your hand, I remember the ride home....I remember your smile. I miss that smile.

I remembered that feeling of being so in love. Today I really miss that feeling. Just of knowing someone is there, thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread...I miss that. My heart is still full of love for you, more today than even yesterday, but it's different when you're not here to reciprocate those feelings.

I'm trying to get a grip, get my life back. I know this roller coaster ride still has many twists and turns left, but I feel you nudging me and supporting me. Keep guiding me. I just need to do SOMETHING.

I'm missing you a lot this week, baby. It hurts deep in my soul.
I love you always and forever.

we will never forget

2011-09-12T00:36:00.000-04:00

Everyone remembers where they were 10 years ago today. I was on my way to Algebra class my freshman year at Rochester College when I heard about the first plane. Just thinking it was an accident, we went about the class and I headed back to my dorm room. Then I saw my roommate in front of the TV and watched with her as the second plane hit. Then we went to Chapel together and watched the news feed with the rest of the school with our jaws hanging open.

I remember how monumental that day felt. It was a beautiful day weather wise, so peaceful and calm - almost eerie. And yet you could feel darkness and war that would change history. Classes were cancelled for the day. People were calling loved ones to make sure everyone was okay. We knew we would remember that day forever.

Even though I knew it was a tragic day for so many, I never really understood the epic loss that 9/11 caused for so many until now. I read a statistic on FB today: 3,051 children lost a parent. 2,819 lives were taken. 1,609 lost a husband or wife. 623 police and firemen did not go home. 1 day changed the world. Now I'm not trying to compare my loss to these, I couldn't possibly. But the world picked back up without those people. Not only were they a part of history that day, but their everyday lives were altered in ways that I only now understand and my heart breaks for them.

Every year on this day, I remember where I was when the world changed. But today, I thought more often about where I was on this day last year, with you. We were at a wedding, watching one of my best friends get married, spending time with some sweet friends of mine from high school. It's where we took this picture:

Today when I thought about 9/11, I thought about how strange it was that it was before we were together. Since 9/11, I've lived an entire lifetime of love and loss, new beginnings and tragic endings. The only 10 year anniversary I'll celebrate with you will be like today - an anniversary of loss.

I prayed for those who lost their lives that horrible day. I prayed for their loved ones who had to keep living afterward without them. I cried for them this morning even imagining half of the pain that they've endured.

I visited Ground Zero almost a year after 9/11 and was stunned by the amount of damage that still needed repair, and how fresh that day felt standing in that place, how tragic. But now I get it. Tragedy, no matter how big or small, takes time to recover from. It takes a long time to pick up the pieces, to clean up the damage done. And there will always be marks. We will never forget.

I miss you baby.
I love you forever.

On this day...

2011-09-10T21:10:00.000-04:00

Veronica 'Arnett' King
is excited to play Beatles Rock Band with the hubs. Be jealous. =]
· · September 10, 2009 at 9:56pm

Veronica 'Arnett' King
had SUCH a long, busy, exhausting, eventful, and rewarding week! Ready for the weekend! =]
· · September 10, 2010 at 11:23pm

Byron King and Sarah Robinson like this.

I love you. So very very much. It still stirs up so much in my heart and in my soul. Thank you for sharing that kind of love with me.

I miss you.

10 months

2011-09-10T02:41:00.002-04:00

10 months.

The months are now in the double digits. And yet, still no sign of reality making any sense. My brain rejects the possibility of you never coming back, while my body recognizes the absence and knows it's been too long already. My heart is broken and hardened at the same time.

I'm getting to the point where I feel like all I ever to do is complain. I want to tell you how great everything is, how blessed I am. I want to talk to you about how thankful I am. I'm still breathing, living in a beautiful home, raising three of sweetest and most beautiful children who love me unconditionally, I have great friends and family....I want that to be enough. Enough to fill my heart. I open my computer with a smile and a sigh of accomplishment, then my fingers hit the keys to write to you - and reality flashes at me and I remember why it feels like something is always missing. All the validity in my survival of the day seemed sucked out by the realization that it never means you're coming back.

I receive daily emails from GriefShare every morning, which are basically words of encouragement for grievers and testimonies from people who have lost loved ones. The one this morning struck a chord with me:

Margi, who lost her husband, says, "I eventually came to a point in my life where I just said to the Lord, 'I'm going to stop asking You why, and I will begin asking You how. How can I use this in my life so that it will glorify You? I want to be able to use this to witness to others and encourage them through whatever it is You are trying to teach me.'"

I don't know how far long in her grief journey Margi was, but her words inspired me. I want to be like that, I want to know how I can use this to do something - anything - that might help make sense of it all. I'm not all there yet, but that's where I want to be. I want to be where Margi is.

I miss you. There will never be a second of my life where that won't be true.
I love you always and forever.

7 months

2011-09-08T22:57:00.000-04:00

Our sweet little Carter is 7 months old today. I can hardly believe it. His smiles and giggles are sometimes the only thing that can make me smile. He's got 2 teeth coming in, he loves talking and is always saying 'mama' or 'dada'. He's sitting up, loves his big brother and big sister, and will sit and watch the Fresh Beat Band with them - it's hilarious. He's got delicious thigh rolls, and huge hands that are a mark of any King male. His hair is really starting to turn red, and in the sun, we like to refer to his 'cheeto-brows' because it looks like someone rubbed Cheetos on his eyebrows. He's such a little ham.

All I could think about today was how much you would love him. He feels like he's been a part of my life always and yet I can't get over the fact that you've never met him, seen him, touched him, or kissed him. There something perverse and backwards about it.

One year ago tomorrow we had our ultrasound to find out if he was a girl or a boy. We all went together - all 4 of us. I always loved the weird looks when you and the kids came to my prenatal appointments with me. It must be rare, but to us it was normal - we were in this together. I don't think you ever missed one. And this time, I have this burned image in my head of laying on the table, looking at the big screen in front of me, and you to the left of me, holding Faith and Caleb, telling them what we were looking at - our little peanut. Later you told me that you noticed he was a boy before the nurse pointed it out, and you were staring at me waiting for my reaction because I wanted a girl. Oh, am I ever glad we had a boy. Our precious little peanut. I posted about it here.

I still have moments where I feel like one life was traded for another. But today, I'm trying not to dwell on it. Today, I'm just trying to be thankful for our little miracle. Our sweet Carter. Thank you for loving him unconditionally before you ever laid eyes on him. Thank you for helping me make the sweetest children ever.

I miss you baby. And in some weird way, I think Carter does too. You should see the smile he gives me when I say 'dada' as he plays with your necklace. It's like he knows.

I love you always and forever.

Back to school

2011-09-08T00:38:00.000-04:00

My heart was beating out of my chest most of the morning today. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night and I woke up way too early. It felt like my first day of high school or something.

Thankfully, Sarah had spent the night so that she could help me in the morning. What an angel she is to me. Surely more tears would have fallen today without her. We even managed to get really cute pictures taken early in the morning before all the rain came the rest of the day. Caleb went to school like a pro, I was proud of him because he usually clings.

Faith was a different story. She was very brave until we had to leave. I felt her hesitation cause she's in a new place and everything is unfamiliar. But she rode the bus for the first time ever and was chatting about her day when she came home. Phew, one day down....a lifetime more to go.

This year it's going to be crazy. The kids are in school at different times (Caleb in AM, Faith in PM), they're doing soccer and ballet, I have to drive Faith to school every day since the bus only drives her home, and I apparently have to wait for the bus 5 houses down from us with an infant all through the winter because they can't stop the bus in front of my house to drop her off and I have to be at the bus door in order for them to let her off. It's gonna get interesting. My brain is already about to explode reading all the things I have to pick up at the store, pictures I have to order, supplies I need to donate, homework I'll have to do with them, etc.

Even so, I was proud to have survived today. If I can survive today, surely I can survive tomorrow. I can only think one day at a time. We're gonna do this. My kids are rock stars.

Thanks for watching over us today, love. I know you would have been so proud of our sweet children as they put on their brave faces. I'm pretty anxious about what the school year is going to hold for them both and how we're going to have to adjust to this new normal as a broken family. I felt compelled to email Faith's teacher and give her a heads up about everything going on - not because I want Faith's grief to be a crutch or a reason to be treated differently, but so that she can keep an eye on how she's behaving and also to know that it's ok for Faith to talk about you, make things for you, and continue to address you as a part of our family. Because you still very much are.

I managed to hold back tears until I laid down to nap with Caleb and watched him sleep thinking about how much he looked like you. I silently sobbed that you're missing all this, and my heart broke for him in that moment. And then I couldn't stop until my eyes were so heavy they gave in.

I miss you. I miss the way you loved us and completed our family. I miss the father of my children.
I love you with all that I am.

a new season

2011-09-07T01:44:00.000-04:00

A new haircut for school

For the first time in my life, I'm not looking forward to fall. And I didn't even realize it until the other day. I'm actually dreading it. This upcoming season feels so much more heavy than anything over the last 10 months. Fall was our favorite time of year, for completely different reasons. You were excited about hunting season, fantasy football, and making homemade applesauce. I was excited about school, the beautiful colors and smells of the season, and the Cider Mill. Fall in Michigan is the best but now it feels so lifeless. Now each fall, I'll have to anticipate another anniversary of your death.

The kids are starting school tomorrow. EEK! The last few days, I've been getting so anxious, wanting to make sure I don't screw this up for them. Trying to overcome my 'widow brain' to make sure I don't forget things, and I've been agonizing over the fact that you're not here. I've been crying at the drop of a hat, moody with the kids, and I've noticed it's all from this anticipation of facing this season without you. The kids like to play this game where we talk about what you'd be doing if you were here. "If Daddy were here, he'd take Caleb to school in the morning before work, and make sure he took a long lunch to see Faith off on her first day of Kindergarten." "If Daddy were here, he'd go to my soccer games and teach me how to play." "If Daddy were here, he wouldn't believe how beautiful Faith has gotten and how old she is." "If Daddy were here, he'd be head over heels in love with Carter."

We also like to talk about the things we remember. Remember when Daddy did this, remember when Daddy did that. We were walking through Marshalls today, and Faith pointed out a shirt she thought you'd like and I thought about the fact that anyone listening to our conversations would never know you're dead. That is, until today when Caleb came into my room wanting to snuggle with someone for naptime and I told him he was already snuggling with you (he sleeps with your picture) and his response was "I want to snuggle with a real person." Sucker punch to the gut.

I was laughing to myself today thinking about how you hated when people suddenly started using the word 'season' to describe a temporary change in time. You thought it sounded too trendy. And so I struggled with the multi-purpose title of this post. A new season. But I can't stop thinking about it, wondering if this season will ever change for me. I know it's supposed to. Someday I'm supposed to be able to take a full breath and enjoy the smells of Autumn, to see the colors vibrant instead of gray. Someday I'm supposedly going to be able to look forward to Cider Mills and donuts and playing in the leaves with the kids instead of looking back and aching for yesterday. I'm stuck in winter, and fall seems so far away. I wonder at what point I'll look back and see this valley as that: a season. A temporary time of pain and despair. But 'a season without you' doesn't end, does it? I will forever be without you.

Caleb pretended to be magic today, and said his first trick would be to bring you out of ground and make you alive again. I may buy him a magic kit...

I miss you baby. I feel like I'm starting to not making any sense without you. Be with us this week as this new season starts.
I love you with all my heart.

jealousy

2011-09-05T01:15:00.000-04:00

Today, I felt your absence. Spent time with many great people and dear friends, but I was painfully aware of the fact that I am no longer part of a couple. I can usually brush it aside and focus on other things, but it was blaring it's horn at me today. I hate harboring intense jealousy for other people and what they have. I fear I will live with uncontrollable jealousy for the rest of my life now.

I kept waiting to hear your laugh in the background while you hung out with the guys, or the sound of you chasing the kids around the yard, or seeing you hovering around the food table....my mind and my heart were playing tricks on me today. It was a cruel joke.

I've felt you close the last few days, which I'm so thankful for cause you were slipping away for awhile there. I don't know if it's because your family is here and they keep you close to me or what, but please stay close. Help me remember why I'm still fightin' this.

I miss you baby. Every minute of every day.
I love you with all that I am.

deja vu

2011-09-04T00:40:00.000-04:00

Some nights, I stare at the computer screen and can't come up with anything to tell you other than the obvious. I miss you. I love you. I hurt so much without you. But I know you already know, you have to feel it permeating through my skin.

We took all the kids to the zoo today. It was extremely hot today, but it actually turned out to be a great day to go: no crowds and the animals were surprisingly active, which is always fun. There was a moment when were turning the corner on the path near the Zebras that I had deja vu from that exact spot a few years back, when we went to the zoo with Jon and Holly and the kids. Caleb was tiny and Faith was just a toddler - she had fallen asleep at that spot. I actually looked for the pictures tonight of that day.

Then we walked out of the zoo, and I had deja vu from the trip we took to the zoo last year. I remember you riding Faith on your shoulders and me holding Caleb's hand while he was walking on the half wall around to the parking lot.

I don't know that I'll ever be able to go to the zoo without thinking about you. It's not like it was a thing we did, but those were special family memories for me. And I see you in every daddy carrying his child on his shoulders or picking him/her up to see the animals, or in every man who's pushing a stroller through the park. I see you in every couple holding hands, and every family walking around with big smiles on their faces, the smiles that know nothing of loss or broken families. I miss that naive and ignorant smile I used to wear.

I miss you baby. It's that sweatshirt in those pictures I love so much and like to lay in.

I love you more than anything.

1000 words

2011-09-03T00:21:00.000-04:00

They say a picture is worth 1000 words.
I say a picture is priceless.

Your sister and brother-in-law are here visiting, and it's soooo good to have them here. Every time I hang around them, it makes me ache to be closer to them more often. But this time April brought with her pictures of you for me to scan, some of which I'd never seen before. Some of you as a child, some of us dating, some of you with your nephews. All so precious. What a wonderful gift. And even though it's horrible that it comes down to me having to hold onto you through pictures, I found myself actually happy to see them, to see you. More healing than painful, I never feel like I have enough pictures.

There are a few pictures that tug at my heart.

This picture of you fishing with Jack was the one that almost made me tear up. Aside from being an incredible dad, you were an amazing uncle. I loved how much you talked about missing them and wanting to hang out with them when they were away. You were so good about spending quality time with them.

This picture made me smile, mostly because it's one of the few early pictures of us that I don't hate me in. But also because we look so young. This was when we were dating, before we got engaged. I still remember that feeling of elation just from being with you and around you.

There are a lot of sweet pictures of you and Faith together, but I had not seen this one before. I can't believe how much Carter looks like her right now. I can't wait to make a scrapbook for the kids of all their pictures with you.

Ahhh, this is my favorite. I love this picture because this is the way I remember you. Something about it makes me wanna reach out and touch you and never let go.

The worth of these pictures to me could never be measured. 1000 words would never do them justice. My life, my love, my past, my future, my family, my world - are all within these pictures. When I go through them all, I get a little glimpse of you and your heart, which is so so precious to me.

I miss you baby. There is still a giant hole in the universe where you should be.

I love you always and forever.

normal

2011-09-01T23:22:00.001-04:00

I'm in a weird place where things are starting to feel 'normal.' Only I don't know what normal is. Everything is backwards, and the reality of life is just not right. And yet, I feel like I've been here awhile now. Sometimes you feel so distant from me, I can't remember if you were ever there. And most moments, I feel you close and see things in the house that you've touched just months ago. But I was laying in bed talking to Carter about you tonight, and I had to look up at your picture to help me remember. To prove you were there, to bring you closer.

I measure the time by Carter's age. He's getting so big, but it's painful to watch him grow and know that I'm getting further away from you, the longer we've lived and grown without you. It feels like just yesterday you were here, and yet I look at pictures of the kids the weeks leading up to your death and they look so young. How could so much time have gone by already?

This paradox is agonizing. I feel like my life will be frozen here forever: just living the rest my life day by day as Jeremy's widow. An eternity overshadowed by 8 short years and a life that wasn't finished. My every moment is still defined by this, and part of me doesn't ever want that to change. I'm proud to be yours. I'm proud of life we shared together, and the life we created together. It's just exhausting to continue our life and our family without you.

I'm talking in circles. But that's how I feel anymore. Nothing makes sense, even when nothing goes wrong. When everything is right, nothing feels right. I want to celebrate life and my blessings, but there's still so much pain with every breath I take.

I miss you with every ounce of me tonight. I'm wrapping myself in your Maple Leafs hoodie tonight.
I love you always and forever.

defeated

2011-08-31T23:59:00.001-04:00

I'm tired.

I'm sore.

I'm defeated.

I just need a night to whine to my husband, and know that you would listen, non-judging, and hold me after I'm all done, rub my shoulders, and tell me how much you love me. For all the writing I do here, I know so many people feel connected to me and I appreciate the outlet to let people know where I'm at, but it also means I never actually talk it out. I just keep talking to your pillow...

Maybe you could meet me in my dreams? I just really need you tonight.

I miss you.

I love you.

kids

2011-08-31T02:25:00.001-04:00

I wish I could figure out how the kids are processing you not being here anymore. It comes out in bits and pieces. Some are hilarious, like when they recall funny moments with you. The other day, Caleb suddenly remembered that they jokingly called you "Uncle Jer" to tease you - I could tell he was proud to recall that memory. Then Faith piped in and reminded him that they extended the title to "Uncle Jeremy Allen" when you tooted and didn't say excuse me. BTW, thanks for the fact that the kids memories of you usually involve flatulence. I know you're cracking up right now.

Some moments are tender and sweet. When I tucked Caleb in for nap today, I laid beside him and he said "I wanna talk about Daddy for a minute." Sometimes now I think he does it cause he knows I'll bite since I love talking about you and he'll get to stay up later. I asked him what he wanted to talk about, he said "Daddy and Uncle Brian in Heaven." He continues to have me explain how each of you died, something he regularly does, and then talks about what he misses.

Some moments of their grief are gut-wretching. Faith talked about your beard today and how she misses it and asked me if she liked it when she was a baby. And she tells me that she's sad inside, but doesn't show it outside. That's hard for me cause I totally get it.

And saw this as my status on this day last year:

listening to one of my favorite sounds in the world: the kids wrestling with their daddy. =]
· · August 30, 2010 at 7:09pm

It has and will always be one of my favorite sounds. I don't have it on video much which really makes me sad, but it seems to replay clear in my head tonight. I miss that beautiful sound. There was nothing sweeter.

I love you, baby.
I miss you more than ever.

possible?

2011-08-29T00:12:00.000-04:00

One step forward, two steps back. That's how this is gonna go, isn't it? I've been so up and down lately, but felt like I was ready to just stop feeling sorry for myself and do something about finding some joy. And yet somehow I find myself sobbing at the end of the bed so violently that I wake up Faith. She comes and rocks with me until I settle down, then goes right back to bed. It's supposed to be the other way around, I'm such a mess.

I just can't believe this. How did I get here? I stood in the middle of my house and looked around in disbelief that you'd never seen it. It wasn't ours. It feels so lonely. I walk up the stairs to see Faith and Caleb sleeping on Faith's trundle - because they sleep together every night now - and I can't believe you haven't seen them in almost 10 months. They've grown so much. I can't believe you're never tucking them in again. I walk down the hall and check on Carter and I absolutely cannot believe that you've never met him, held him, tickled him, or talked about how much you hate changes his diapers. How is that possible?! This is our family we made together and you're missing it. I. HATE. THIS.

We took a picture today at the Renaissance Festival cause mom wanted to get her kids and grandkids all together. I looked at the picture a least a dozen times to check because I thought I was counting wrong or to see something appear that wasn't there. You're not in it. My brother is not in it. It doesn't look right. All those children, no fathers. Ugh, I feel sick.

I don't know how to get past this. How can I get it into my head that you're dead? When will it really sink in? Tonight, it just doesn't seem possible.

I miss you baby, so much so that the memory of your arms around me can make my shoulders tingle. I'm still holding on for you, I can hear you telling me to.
I love you with all that I am.

a broken heart

2011-08-28T00:44:00.000-04:00

Right now, I am loving the sidebar on Facebook that tells me what my statuses said last year. It helps me remember and hold on to those last beloved months I had with you. But the one I saw today sat right in my throat:

Faith: "Mommy, what's a broken heart?" Me: "Oh sweet baby....I hope you never have to find out what that is."
· · August 27, 2009 at 2:03pm

I had forgotten that moment until I read it. Then it came rushing back to me and made me sick. I specifically remember stopping to take a moment after this little conversation to pray for Faith and her heart, asking God to protect our baby girl. What's maddening is the irony. I would let Faith endure multiple broken hearts if it meant her daddy could be beside her through it, telling her and showing her what to look for in a good man. Her heart has been broken in a way that can never be fixed, nor can the extensiveness of the damage ever truly be measured.

I wonder what kind of idea or picture Faith must have had in her head when she asked me what a broken heart was. Life soon shower her a completely different picture of what it is. She knows my heart is broken. She knows you died cause your heart was broken. And she gets it because she's living it. A friend mentioned to me today that you could see it in her eyes how much she's grown up in the last year. It's true, she's had to step up and be a lot of things for me and for our family, and it's sad but incredible at the same time. What a girl, you'd be so proud of her.

I just wish I could protect her from her broken heart. I wish I could put it back together for her. I wish I could know when seh'll realize fully that it's broken. If only she didn't have to find out so soon...

My heart is broken for her tonight.

I miss you babe. Meet Faith in her dreams tonight.
I love you always.

something more

2011-08-27T00:45:00.000-04:00

There's gotta be more. Something more than worrying about how I'm going to survive the day. Something more than constantly feeling like I have no purpose, no meaning. There's gotta be more than wishing the day would just end.

Tonight, I decided I need to just stop feeling sorry for myself. I've been absolutely miserable lately emotionally and physically. I'm going to attempt to move forward, trying to clean some of the cobwebs out of my brain, and try to figure this out. I know I'm perfectly capable but I've just had no desire. I spend all my time being 'strong' and building this life of standing on my own two feet, but all I really want is for someone to come rescue me from it. I guess I'm just gonna have to rescue myself.

Stay close to be, baby. Guide me through this, I hate doing this alone. I am no good on my own. Help me figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I can hear your voice and I know what you'd say to help and encourage, but it's still not the same as you being here. I just need to do something - anything - to help dig me out of this hole.

I miss you, love.
I love you forever and always.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 21: Don't Give Up!

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." -GALATIONS 6:9

In other words, hand in there! Keep the faith! Don't give up! Finish the race! And it sure can't hurt to take a nap, either.

charades

2011-08-26T00:09:00.001-04:00

I don't know why the most random and ridiculous things set me off.

Today, I went to get an eye exam since I'm out of contacts. The eye doctor there is very old, well past retirement age. At first I pitied him. Then this little old man was carefully and very slowly cleaning the equipment while I looked around his office and saw pictures everywhere of him with his beautiful wife and kids. Suddenly, I envied him. I actually teared up out of nowhere vicariously living through this man who got to watch his children grow to adults and stand beside his wife through it. Why some and not others? Why you? Why me? I try to stay away from those why questions but sometimes they really sneak up on me.

One of the hardest things for me to do right now is look ahead. All those dreams of growing old with you are shattered and I can't see through all the debris left behind. We're never going to get to take a family picture when are children grow into adults. Hell, I'll never even have a full family photo since Carter and you never got the chance to be on the earth at the same time. The weight of that reality is seriously hard to swallow.

I had to explain my story to a random banker today. I hate doing that, it's always so awkward, and I always get the strangest looks from people. But of course I do, I'm too young to be a widow. And today was mild since I didn't have the kids with me - when I'm toting 3 kids around, sometimes jaws drop.

This whole charade is really getting old. I'd just like a day where my life doesn't feel like it's spinning out of control or falling apart. This ride is supposed to slow down soon, I hear.

I miss you baby. All I ever wanted was to grow old with you.
I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 20: Never Apart

"She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along." - MARGARET CULKIN BANNING

Once you are a mother, your children become such a part of you that you take them with you everywhere - even when they're really home with Dad feasting on caffeinated soda and dessert before dinner.

I wish.

friendships

2011-08-25T01:01:00.001-04:00

Today, we spent the day celebrating Vicki. We were going to take her out for her birthday last month, but everything got postponed because of Brian's funeral. So we celebrated today with shopping, mani/pedis, a movie, surprise friends, and A LOT of food. But she deserved so much more for the incredible friend she has been and continues to be. Her loyalty is honorable, and I don't know what I'd do without her.

We took her to Gauchos for lunch - YES, I finally got to try it! You wanted to take me so bad and we never got around to it. I was excited and incredibly bummed at the same time. I even tried the fried bananas for you. I didn't like em, but at least I tried em. I know exactly why you loved that place. I wanted to pick up the phone and text you a million times about it, I could feel your excitement.

I actually had a really great time today. I am so thankful for my friendships that have bonded together, even if some of them did get stronger after you died. I wouldn't trade these women for anything. And it helps to know, they all miss you too.

I miss you babe. At the end of the day, even a really great one, I still just ache for you.
I love you with all that I am.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 19: Hope

Hope transcends our current circumstances, elevating us above sibling rivalry, marital issue, financial strain, dirty dishes, and sleep deprivation by declaring, "This ain't all there is!" and "Something better is coming!" Jesus Christ, in whom the Christian's hope resides, certainly transcended His circumstances and gave us hope when He defeated death. Something better was definitely coming!

where you are

2011-08-24T00:21:00.001-04:00

I went back to your tree stand today for the first time since you died.

It seemed like a good idea - we were passing right by it on our way out to Fenton to look at cars. Beautiful day, kids had never been. However, I didn't take into account that the last time I was there, foliage was dead and the bush wouldn't be so grown up. I spent 15 minutes pushing a stroller through a tiny trail past thorns and thousands of mosquitos - yes, I could hear you laughing at me. So once we got there, we did not stay and immediately turned back around to go home.

But it's still there, exactly like I remember. I was angry with all the mosquitos cause I still just really want to sit out there and be with you there for awhile. A dead tree fell onto the tree with your stand in it, but everything else in untouched. It's hard to drive up there and walk through there without those haunting images but it's oddly comforting to be there.

I realized that I haven't spent much time at your stand, memorial, or grave. All these places to honor you, but I don't visit them as often as I thought I would. Your grave is where I mourn you most but it's too far away to visit often. Your memorial at the college makes me so proud of the man that you were, and I love to bring the kids there cause it's our special place, but it's not private and I can't leave things for you there. Your stand is where I feel you most, your presence in the place you loved most - the outdoors. Maybe cause I picture where you walked, what you've touched, where you've stood, but I could lay there with you forever.

I miss you baby. I wish I could find a place to stay beside you forever.
I love you always.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 18: Your children - His creation

Among the many acts of gratitude we owe to God, it may be accounted one to study and contemplate the perfections and beauties of His work of creation. Every new discover must necessarily raise in us a fresh sense of the greatness, wisdom, and power of God.

-JONATHAN EDWARDS

one day

2011-08-23T01:25:00.001-04:00

I don't know why, but I've had a tough day today. I've hurt for you more than usual. It's become a dull ache now most of the time, but not today. I'm not sure what brought it on. I had a productive morning tackling appointments, making phone calls, catching up with life since we've been traveling so much. Out of nowhere, I got the urge to look through old stuff, and came across this icard you sent. I've read it before and even posted it before, but today it crushed me and stopped me in my tracks.

"One day baby! I'm going to give you everything" The words were so thick in my throat, they just sat there. At first I was maddened by the fact that this statement will never be true and I was angry with God for not letting you keep your promise - because I know without a doubt you would have. Then I realized it might be true, because I know you are still trying to protect me and give me and the kids a good life. And it killed me to think about those dreams we had possibly coming true without you. I know you are trying to watch over me baby and I'm so sorry that I can't see past all this pain to appreciate the good. I'm trying, I really am.

I finally cashed in on my massage gift certificate I've had for months today. But just when I was looking forward to relaxing and taking a breath, I laid there silently crying because images of the night you died kept replaying over and over. It's like when you try not to think about something and you end up thinking about it more. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it out of my head. The sound of Sarah's voice crying to Jodie on the phone that you were dead. The helpless look on Jon's face as we sat in the ambulance trying to digest that this was all real. The screams and sobs of my mother. These sounds and images were haunting me today. I wish I knew why.

I've felt devastated and defeated without you today. I hate how much this still sucks.
I miss you so bad it hurts.
I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 17: Good Advice

"Do all the good you can, in all the way you can, to all the souls you can, in every place you can, at all the times you can, with all the zeal you can, as long as every you can." -JOHN WESLEY

What an extraordinary approach to life to teach our children - especially by example.

what matters most

2011-08-21T23:06:00.001-04:00

I think I'm starting to realize what really matters.

I also think it's stupid, unfair, and absolutely heartbreaking that it takes such tragedies to make people realize what's really important. Don't get me wrong - you knew you were my number one. I always knew what was important, but now I KNOW.

When I think about the future it scares me half to death. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go. All I know is I want to be surrounded by all the people I love. I see friends working their tails off to reach some monetary reward and I actually pity them now. I used to be one of them. I see statuses of people bragging about cool things they're doing at work, which is all well and good, but it's not what matters most.

On a day-to-day basis, I plan most of my time trying to figure out who I can spend time with. Lucky for me, I have a lot of incredible people in my life. And every time I get to see them, my thought is "I wonder when we'll get to hang out with them again" I know this situation I've been brought to can be used for good, to see what other cannot see. I'm trying to hold onto in and not resent it. Right now, it's still difficult. But I see the amazing men and women in my life, or your parents and sisters, or my mom and dad and brother, or those three little blue-eyed beauties we made - and I know.

I know what matters most.

Help me hold onto it babe. I miss you so very much.
I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 16: For Now

I woke this morning

At three o'clock

To crying in my ears.

I calmed my child

Tucked her in

Then thought of all the years

Of diaper changes

Newborn cries

Feedings in the night

And told myself

Someday I'll sleep

But for now I'll hold her tight.

I love you the most-est

2011-08-20T23:54:00.006-04:00

The "I love you" games have really come a long way since you left.

I smile every time I think about you and the kids arguing back and forth saying "I love you the most," "No I love you the mostest!" and "I love you the mostest-est-est-est!" and so on until someone gave up. Sweetest thing ever.

On the way to pick up Faith from camp today (she did a great job btw and had a blast), Caleb started on his usual "Mommy I love you" games.

"I love you the most buddy"
"I love you more than everything. More than the grass and the houses in the world."
"Oh yeah? Well I love you all the way to the clouds"
"No I love you more than a giant that's 100 tall."
"Wow, I love you to the planets"
"No, I love you more than all the stuff in the whole wide huge giant big world"
"Well I love you all the way to Heaven."
"Oh yeah, I love you all the way to Daddy."

He won.

We miss you baby. Thank you for giving me sweet kids who love me more than I deserve.
I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 15: Do the Impossible

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

Today, maybe that "thing" was just to coerce your sleep-deprived body from your warm bed and plunk your exhausted feet on the floor. Celebrate your accomplishment and, in God's strength, face your other impossibilities with faith and confidence.

vincible

2011-08-20T00:22:00.001-04:00

I remember when Caleb made this and asked me to take a picture of his drawing of you to send to Heaven. Apparently, you have really long legs.

I had an interesting conversation with Caleb the other day, which is not an unusual occurrence.

We were swimming in the pool together, and he suddenly got very quiet and sad. I said "What's up buddy, you look a little sad. Is everything ok?" He says "I miss my daddy. I thought he was gonna come to Aunt Karen's to swim."
"But Daddy's in Heaven bud, why did you think he'd come swimming with us?"
"I thought Daddy would stay alive until we came here."
"I wish that were true. He'd sure have fun with us, wouldn't he?"
"Yeah. I thought my daddy was the strongest in the whole wide world. One-hundred strong (he uses 100 as the biggest quantity he can understand)."
"Your daddy was very strong. I'm so sad he can't play with us today."

For some reason, this conversation made total sense to me. Caleb looked up to you the way any little boy looks up to his daddy. You were his hero, his role-model, the man he wanted to be when he grows up. No one is bigger or stronger than daddy. Surely a man of that magnificence can't die - Daddies are invincible. He is crushed that his hero isn't what he thought he was. I find myself realizing this on a daily basis because it's still so unbelievable to me that you're gone. And Caleb was realizing the same thing.

My fear is that he is recognizing you aren't coming back and trying to find another hero. I'm doing my best to make sure that slot will always be yours. I'm thankful he has other role models, but I want him to always remember that you were a great man and that I hope he does grow up to be just like you. Just like I will do myself to make that real for Carter too. I tell him about you constantly, and try to show him pictures of you often. He loves to grab your ring on my necklace, and every time he does, I always tell him "da-da" to make sure he makes the connection. Maybe it's nothing, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something.

I miss you babe. I really thought you were invincible too.
I love you with everything that I am.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 14: Faith and Hope

"Pride is on of the seven deadly sins; but it cannot be the pride of a mother in her children, for that is compound of two carinal virtues--faith and hope. -CHARLES DICKENS

Faith-believing what you cannot see; and hope-an optimistic expectations...What would mothering be without them? Impossible.

too young/too old

2011-08-19T00:47:00.002-04:00

This evening, I dropped Faith off for two days at Camp Hope. A camp for grieving kids who have lost a loved one, I think it will be a good experience for her to talk to other people. I see little pieces of her grief when it sneaks out, but she doesn't really let me in often because I think she's trying to protect me. I'm hoping this will be a time where she doesn't have to worry about me and she can just express her heart and how she's really feeling. There's only one problem:

She's 5 years old.

5 years old. Too young to have lost a father, a key figure in her life. Too young to attend a camp for grieving kids. Too young to have to learn how to live life that doesn't look like everyone else's. Far too young.

And yet, when I dropped her off today, she seemed too old. She's never done anything like this, gone away with strange people with literally no one she knows for two whole nights without me. I was anxious all day. You know how shy she can be when she doesn't know people. But not this time. She's been talking about it all week and has been excited to go. Every time I tried to tell her "Don't forget this" or "I packed this for you and I'm gonna put it here" or "Remember to do this" I can feel her rolling her eyes as she says "I know Mom!" When did she get so old?!? When did she grow so mature?

I cried when I dropped her off today. Both because she is too young and because she is too old. This little sappy Momma heart really needed you today. I needed your hand, your shoulder, your advice, your voice to calm me. I needed you to help me raise this beautiful little girl.

I miss you baby. Watch over our little girl this weekend. Let her feel your presence and your love.

I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 13: Truth

"It is one thing to show a man that he is in error, and another to put him in possession of truth." -JOHN LOCKE

It is easy to point out our children's errors. But if we also point them to God's truth, we equip them to make wiser choices in the future. And directing them to His love will help them want to.

heartbreaking treasure

2011-08-17T23:30:00.003-04:00

While I was going through pictures for Faith to take to Camp Hope this weekend, I suddenly felt the need to watch every. single. video sitting in our iphotos library. Many I had not seen. Like this one:

Oh, my heart.

I don't even have words for it. I've watched a million times in 48 hours, and still can't decide whether to smile or sob. My favorite part is the very last split second, the sweet smile you give to Faith and I feel your contentment and your appreciation for the sweetest of that moment. Love watching you being a daddy, can't believe it will only be through a few videos from now on. A heartbreaking treasure.

I miss you love.

I love you more than anything.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 12: A Happy Home

Happy the home when God is there,

And love fills every breast;

When one their wish, and one their prayer,

And one their heavenly rest.

Happy the home where Jesus' name

Is sweet to every ear;

Where children early speak His fame,

And parents hold Him dear.

-HENRY WARE JR.

this day last year

2011-08-17T01:22:00.001-04:00

I love this picture Sarah took of Caleb. I CANNOT believe how old he looks in this picture and it makes me a little sad when I think about how much bigger he is since the last time you saw him. But I love this picture because it looks SO much like you, it gives me chills. I know he looks like you but I just always saw Caleb. Not in this picture. I see you. Especially when I look at pictures of you as a kid:

Crazy. But I see you in his face now, not just when you were a kid. I see you looking out from his eyes. It's terribly heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time.

I was reading on my Facebook that on this day last year, we went on a date together and went Christmas shopping for the kids. I'm so so glad we decided to do that babe, you have no idea. I'm glad the kids have those gifts from you to treasure forever. I just watched the videos of them opening everything last night, and it broke my heart.

Just another day, missing you. Another day I am still stuck here.

I love you with all of me.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 11: Matched Set

Have a mirror handy? Take a look and you will see the mother God chose for your child. Now have your child look in the mirror and tell her that she is seeing the image of the child God chose especially for you. It's a match made in heaven!

questions without answers

2011-08-15T23:09:00.002-04:00

Anytime I go out of town or keep busy for a certain amount of time or am doing something emotionally revolving around you, the day I come back home is always so difficult. I think it's because I don't want to come back to real life. I don't want to come back to an empty house or a day-to-day that feels meaningless. When I'm out traveling or visiting family or friends, I feel like I have purpose. Even if I'm there because of you, it distracts me or it pulls me closer to you and oddly comforts me.

I'm arriving at a dark place. I feel like all I want to do is make you proud but I'm failing miserably at it. I'm gaining weight because I just don't care and I go too long without thinking to eat, then eat like crazy. I have no affirmation at home, no one to be proud of the work I'm doing, no one to motivate me. I find myself snapping at the kids sometimes when my responsibilities get to be too much. I hate this. I want to get out - I want to break this cycle. I know I need to do it for myself but there was something about making you proud, watching your face that could make anything worth it.

My dark place has holes of light. I need to poke some more holes. I want to be happy again, I want to feel alive and be in a place of contentment, but I don't want to let go of my grief. Grief is where you are, and letting it go scares me and makes me feel like I'd be letting you go too. It would make me feel like I didn't love you enough, and Lord knows that's not the case. How can I can really find that happiness when I'm still in love with a dead guy?

Tonight, I feel full of questions without answers. Wish I knew where to go from here.

I miss you baby.
I love you forever and always.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 10: Troublemakers

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." -MARK TWAIN

Unless their halos glow more brightly than most, your children probably cause you a bit of trouble now and then. But whether they are difficult or delightful, appreciate them for who they are.

Sarah Beth Photography

2011-08-15T00:07:00.000-04:00

I can't really describe the bittersweetness of leaving Youth in Action this weekend. It was one of our last big trips last year before you died, and I wanted to hold on to it forever.

I felt you there this weekend. I always say this, but the DeeperStill guys (or as Faith likes to call them now, "The DeeperStills") keep you alive for me. Or at least they keep you close. So often I find myself feeling you drifting away to becoming a distant memory, even a muddled picture I feel like I made up sometimes, like maybe you weren't real and I made it all up in my head. But their stories and their genuine love for you and our family pulls you close to me every time. We miss the fire and spark you brought to weekends like this.

It was a great weekend. It was a hard weekend. It was a sad weekend. It was a healing weekend. I miss you so much sometimes it makes me sick. But I love honoring you like we did this weekend, and carrying on the things that you loved.

On a completely separate note, Sarah took pictures for me last week. It started as Carter's 6 month shots, and ended up with family photos. There is a hole where you should be, but Sarah has a natural gift and talent, and the pictures turned out wonderful. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing these since I don't have the copies yet but I wanted to keep the watermarks on there for her credit. Love love love that girl, I don't know what I would do without her. And I'm so thankful she's captured moments for our family that I would otherwise never have record of. I know you would love these photos, especially the ones of your beautiful children.

I miss you, love.
I love you with all my heart.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 9: It Take Courage

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." -WINSTON CHURCHILL

Sometime we mothers have to speak our minds, but perhaps more often, we just need to listen to our kids. It does take courage, but joy and understanding come in hearing their hearts.

picture

2011-08-14T00:29:00.001-04:00

I'm at a loss tonight.

I just miss you. It's weird to say it every night and feel it stronger each time I write it. Such simple words that couldn't possibly convey the yearning in my heart for you. I am still stunned that I'll never feel you hug me or see your sexy smile ever again.

Dan mentioned something about my taking so many pictures this weekend. It's ironic cause I haven't turned on our new camera since you died and I took over your iphone. It takes great pictures and it's with me wherever I go. But for awhile I couldn't take pictures, didn't want to. Sarah took all my pictures for me, and I'm so thankful. But what I realized after frequenting funerals lately is how precious pictures can be. I treasure the very few pictures I have with my brother and wish I had taken more. I thought you and I had taken lots of pictures together, but I find myself constantly searching for more. So I've decide to take more pictures with the people I love, even if I have to force a smile.

It's been a great weekend, considering. I know why this was one of your absolute favorite events to be a part of - they treat us so well and are so kind and loving.

I found another little gift from my brother today. It was a post he put on his facebook in January encouraging his friends to click on Pennies on a Platter for us. What really struck a chord was the sweet sentiments he wrote about me, and especially about us:

"penniesonaplatter.com EVERYONE READING THIS: Please visit this website as often as possible during the month of January. Everytime you visit the site, money is donated to the website, and for the entire month of January, 100% of the proceeds are going to my beautiful pregnant sister Veronica, and her two kids Faith and Caleb, and baby Carter on the way! They lost a loving husband and father unexpectedly back in November. My sister is the greatest, most loving, religous, and good hearted person i know, and her marriage was a one of a kind loving one you never see anymore! Please help the cause, thank you everyone for your prayers and help! God Bless!!!

I love that kid. And it's good to know that our marriage and love for each other wasn't just something I made up in my head and put on a pedestal - he bore witness to it. And I've been hanging onto every word of that today, they're a beautiful symphony to me today in the midst of my chaos and confusion.

I miss him. I miss you, too, without ways to express the depth of it.
I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 8: Everlasting Forgiveness

"God pardons like a mother, who kisses the offense into everlasting forgiveness. -HENRY WARD BEECHER

Be reminded today that in the same way you are able to forgive your child forever and completely because you love him, your loving God forgives you as well. Forever and completely.

youth in action

2011-08-13T01:25:00.001-04:00

It really is starting to get more difficult to digest you not being here as the one year anniversary approaches, especially on days like today when I'm doing something that we did together last year. Today was the start of Youth in Action in Okalona, one of your favorite gigs to sing for and you were supposed to be leading this weekend. It seems like yesterday and an eternity ago that we were here last year, a lot like many other experiences these days. My life is frozen so my perception of time is completely off. Either way, I can almost see you laughing and talking to people, imagining your presence sitting next to the sound board or joking around in the lobby.

I'm thankful that DeeperStill was able to take things over and that I could come. This weekend, I feel close to you here cause I know you would have been here. People came up to me tonight after the concert telling me how strong I am and wondering how I got on stage to sing. They don't know how I do it and to be honest, neither do I. I have no idea how I keep it together but I'm glad your legacy is living on through these opportunities.

I miss you baby. I hate staying in a hotel room without you. Seems like such a waste.
I love you with all that I am.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 7: He is God

"A common saying espouses, 'God could not be everywhere, therefore He made mothers.' A better adage is, "The mothers God made can't be everywhere, but that's okay because God can.' His ability to be everywhere is one of the attributes that makes Him God. Rest in His omnipresence today.

zoo

2011-08-11T02:50:00.002-04:00

Today was an odd day.

We took the kids to the Zoo and honestly had a great time. Braiden kept saying "This was the best day ever" and the kids enjoyed spending time with each other. I loved being with my two favorite families - especially at the same place. The weather was perfect, the kids were well behaved, and the animals were entertaining. But the entire day, I was having flashbacks of the last time we came - in September - with you.

Now that we're approaching the one year mark, I'm getting more familiar with what exactly we were doing one year ago, just before you died. Remembering a little clearer some details that I tried to hold onto, counting down to that dreadful day. Our trip last year to the Zoo was a great one as well, and every few minutes or so, something would remind me of it. I ached for you today something fierce.

I think the kids were doing the same thing. Faith kept saying things like "Remember last time when Daddy brought us and showed me this animal?" Or "Remember when Daddy was carrying me on his shoulders and then tried to tickle me when we were walking in the Zoo?" I swear that girl has the most impeccable memory I pray she never loses those crisp memories of you. Caleb remembered too, when you held him up to see something, and he kept mentioning you throughout the day.

They must have felt it right away. The morning ride in this was the conversation between the kids:

Caleb: "I wish Daddy could come to the Zoo today, but he's dead."
Faith: "Yeah, remember when Daddy told us he was going to come home and we waited and waited for him to read us a book, but he died instead?"
Caleb: "Yeah, I was 3 and you were 4 when my Daddy died."
Faith: "I know. He was so silly. Remember when he asked us if we wanted ice cream at the Zoo?"

You'd think they're bluntness wouldn't phase me by now, but it brought me to tears. These should not be the conversations between children. I can't believe you'll never go to the Zoo with us again.

I also missed my brother terribly today. I know he would have been there today with Braiden if he could have been and the kids would have had a blast with him. I'm thankful, though, that Matt was there and it did my heart good to see him with his niece and nephews. I've noticed him making an effort to just be around more, and get involved. It's a sweet, sweet thing to see. I'm making an effort too, it feels good to be getting closer to my family again. I think Brian would be happy to see it.

I miss you babe. I got to see the Tigers (my favorite) in action today, and it seems silly, but all I wanted to do was call you and tell you about it. You would have known how cool that was for me.
I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 6: Share

"Seems like we tell our children a zillion times a day to share their toys or their candy. But as moms, we are also to share with our kids. . . things like compassion, forgiveness, wisdom, laughter, truth, integrity, optimism, godliness, faithfulness, kindness, love and Jesus. Remember, it's nice to share.

9 months

2011-08-10T01:54:00.000-04:00

I'm thankful to report that I made it through most of today without thinking about the fact that it's been 9 months since I saw you last. I woke up and decided I was gonna try not to complain about my life for one day. And you know what? It was a pretty decent day. It helped that we visited with friends and went swimming and enjoyed the sunshine. It also helped that I get to look at this face all day:

I'm trying so hard to see what I have and not what I'm missing. I'm trying hard to look forward to tomorrow instead of dwelling on yesterday. It's a minute-by-minute game. Sometimes, I'm able to forget and let joy seep in and take a few points. Other times, grief sneaks in from nowhere and scores against me.

I miss you baby. Just want you to know you mean the world to me and I can't thank you enough to choosing me. Thank you for loving me.

I love you with all that I am.

P.S. I came across this t-shirt the other day while shopping and smiled. My first thought was 'I need to take a picture of that to send to Jer.' So, I did.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 5: Christlike

"God sends children to enlarge our hearts, and make us unselfish and full of kindly sympathies and affections" - MARY HOWITT

Not only does God fill us with so much love for our children it seems our hearts cannot contain it, but He also uses our kids to help us be selfless, sympathetic, and kind. In other words, more Christlike.

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people" - VICTOR BORGE

Is there distance between you and your children? Has life become too serious? If so grab a book of corny jokes or rent a video of Christian comedians and let loose with some laughter. It's time to laugh.

6 months old

2011-08-08T23:59:00.001-04:00

Can you believe Carter is 6 months old?!? I find it strange that his birth seems like an eternity ago and yet your death still feels very fresh. Either way, the kid is growing like a weed and is as handsome as ever. He's sleeping so well and eating constantly. You would crack up at the faces he makes when he watches other people eat, like when your Uncle Doug teased Caleb with that dessert and we couldn't stop laughing. Yeah, it's hilarious. And when he has something to say, he says it very loud and proud. He loves the jumper and I'm so glad ours has lasted us through three kids. He loves to grab my face and smother me with kisses, it might be the sweetest thing ever. I continually picture what it would be like to see you playing with him - what you would say, how he would react. I know you would be great buddies. He loves being thrown in the air. I never did it much with our kids, cause you always did so now I do it for you.

We spent some time with Sarah taking 6 month shots of Carter and taking some family shots too. I know they'll be beautiful. I couldn't get over how much Caleb looks like you. The older he gets, the more it shocks me. I love seeing you in him though. I took Faith to get a haircut in the morning - I think you'd hate it, they cut it way too short and the woman didn't layer it right, even after I came back and asked her to fix it. Luckily, she's beautiful and it's just hair and will hopefully grow quickly. Didn't phase her from taking gorgeous pictures. Love that little lady.

So many days I wanna give up. The kids fight and drive me crazy, I can't figure out how to keep Caleb from poking Carter in the face, squeezing his cheeks, screaming at him to get a reaction. Faith can be sassy enough for a 15 year old and good Lord, am I nervous about her being a 15 year old! I get so overwhelmed some mornings laying in bed and listening the sounds that start my day: a crying baby ready to eat, two kids fighting over the remote and smacking each other until one finally runs up to tattle tell. And me running low on fuel cause I never get enough sleep. I specifically remember sitting in the stall of a Target restroom with three children fighting over who was gonna pee first while I was nursing Carter on the floor and thinking 'How on earth did this become my life?!"

But then I remember how sweet they really are, and how lucky am I am to have pretty great kids. And they're exactly that - kids. And even though they drive me crazy, they also love like crazy. They keep me close to you. They remind me that I still have a purpose.

Even though family pictures seem so empty without you in them, it still makes me smile to capture me being surrounded by my three greatest blessings.

I wish there was a better way to describe how much I miss you.
I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 4: A Time to Laugh

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people" - VICTOR BORGE

Remember

2011-08-07T23:48:00.003-04:00

I was remembering all these quirky things about you today. Like how you used to sit on your knees and you would tuck one foot over the other underneath you - Caleb sits the same way. And how you used to walk up and down stairs sideways. Or how you cleaned your fingernails in the shower or your getting dressed morning routine. Things that were just you.

I got so frustrated, almost to the point of tears today, cause it took me a few minutes to remember if you were left handed or right handed. Totally stupid and something I should have known and it made me want to cry that I couldn't think clearly. Then I tried to convince myself that it wasn't a big deal and since I of course knew you were right handed but played sports dominantly with your left, it was easy to get confused. But the truth is I was pissed cause it made me feel like you slipped away from me ever so slightly. Please please please don't slip away from me.

I hate this feeling that I get a few times a day whenever I realize the harsh truth that I can't pick up the phone and ask you something or that I will never be able to talk to you again. It always seems to catch me by surprise.

I miss you baby.
I love you always and forever

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 3: What's your name?

"Wouldn't you like to call out your child's name without stuttering through the first syllables of all your other children's names before finally landing on the correct one? Thankfully, the Lord never bungles your name nor confuses you with anyone else. Rejoice that He knows you by name."

a year you won't see

2011-08-07T01:13:00.001-04:00

I missed you today.

The kids were good to me today and I feel the need to thank you for that. I took em to the mall to shop, play, walk around, and have lunch and they were great. I loved that I could feel them trying to make my birthday special, even at such a young age. They are my precious precious gifts.

When you died, I felt like my arm got cut off, the arm with my writing hand. I've learned how to function without it and even how to write with the other arm, but it never quite looks the same. And every now and again, I ache for my limb, and feel the pain of losing it so fresh that it sears pain into my shoulder. That's how I feel without you here. I don't know which is worse: knowing without a doubt when you were here that I'd never function without you, or finding out that I can and I have to. Okay, I know which is worse.

I didn't have a horrible day. I survived it and I'm thankful for the countless texts, emails, calls, and Facebook messages filled with love. It means so much to me. I know you were with me today, I felt your presence. Thanks baby, I needed that.

I miss you more than I can convey in words. Even though I'm saying goodbye to the age I was when you died, I'm sad to face a year where you won't live at all.

I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 2: Best Friend, Mother

"A mother's love is indeed the golden link that binds youth to age; and he is still but a child, however time may have furrowed his cheek, or silvered his brow, who can yet recall with a softened heart, the fond devotion, or the gentle chidings of the best friend that God ever gave us."

-CHRISTIAN NESTELL BOVEE

a treasured gift

2011-08-05T22:39:00.003-04:00

Wow, I have hit every emotion today.

First I took Caleb to lunch with me today so I could get him a haircut afterward. The conversation I had with him on the way nearly knocked me over:

Caleb: "Mommy, look that car looks like Bumblebee from Transformers."
Me: "Oh, you're right. That's pretty cool. Would you like to watch that movie with me sometime? I think you'd like it"
Caleb: "Well, I think I'll need a new daddy first, since my other daddy is dead."
Me: "Do you want to have a new daddy?"
Caleb: "Yea, so he can watch Transformers with me."

I didn't know what to do with this. At first, I wanted to scream at the thought. I was also offended for a second that Caleb didn't view me as a worthy contender to watch Transformers with, especially since I love them. What I realized from this was that you have been a present part of our family up until now. Always in pictures, stories, prayers, everything we do. We are still a family of 5. But I think Caleb is starting to really understand that you're not ever coming back and that you've become the past. And while it rips my heart in two, I really thought his reaction would stir up gag reflexes, but it didn't. I thought if I ever heard this from my children, I would feel betrayed. I didn't. I'm not sure why.

I have days where I've thought it would be nice just to have someone for me to talk to, share life with, flirt with, someone to make me feel beautiful without having to involve the kids in anything. Other days, I think it would be nice to just have someone for the kids to be constant and a good example of a Christian man to guide them without me having to worry about compromising my love for you. I guess I've never really thought I could have both. And I'm not sure I'll ever really want either. But hearing Caleb express that desire really hurt me today and opened an already bleeding wound of need I see in him. A need for a father figure. A need for someone to play cars with him, watch Transformers with, teach manners to, go fishing and hunting with. I see these things in so many men in his life, but not all in one. That's what he's looking for, cause that's what you were. You were everything.

If that weren't enough to play with my emotions today, I found a gift from my brother today while organizing, the gift he brought to the hospital when Carter was born. Two books: Thinking of You, and Blessing for Mothers. I was so drugged up in the hospital, I only vaguely remember him giving them to me. I opened it up and found this written inside Blessings for Mothers:

"2/8/11: Carter is born (A King is born)

To my beautiful and loving sister that I've always looked up to and wanted the life you live so close to God. I envy your faith and the perfection you show as a parent, the love you give to all those around you, and the friendships you have with so many loving Christians as you have centered your life in your church and in Christ. I love you more than you will ever know!

Love, Brian"

I haven't dropped to my knees like that in a long time. I can't even type it without sobbing. Oh gosh, babe, you just have no idea what those words mean to me. They could not be more precious or have come at a more perfect time. I was walking around today thinking 'if Brian were alive, he'd call me or text me for my birthday no matter where he was or what he was doing. He always remembered.' I felt him speaking to me tonight, and it was the most treasured gift I could have received. Please give him a giant hug for me and tell him thank you from the bottom of my heart, and let him know how much I love and miss him.

I am still in complete disbelief that this is my life. One year ago, I would have never even imagined. I was just a broke girl in love her simple life. Now, I'm reading notes I'd never seen before from my dead brother, writing it out and telling it all to my dead husband. Are you kidding me? Please tell me this is a joke.

Here's what I've decided to do: At the end of my goodnights from now on, I am going to write out my 'daily blessing for Mothers', as a gift from my brother. First, to make good on this incredible gift and trying to let it resonate within me. Second, so I can feel him speaking through and hopefully bless others as well.

I miss you, my love. I wish you were here to whisper 'Happy Birthday' in my ear after midnight before we fell asleep.
I love you with all that I am.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 1: The Gift

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights."

- JAMES 1:17 NIV

The gift of motherhood is a "good and perfect" gift from the Lord. Unwrap it, and you will discover a depth of love and commitment surpassed only by the cross.

For proof, read here.

out-loved

2011-08-04T22:20:00.000-04:00

I'm in a funk this week. I'm guessing it's because it's my birthday this weekend and it will be the last major day to get through before the one year mark. The sound of turns my stomach. I've been home alone sick all week too, so maybe that's contributing. Either way, I find myself pacing a lot more, crying over you a lot more, missing you a lot more than most days. We passed your white work truck by the barn at the college and it instantly hurt and brought tears to my eyes.

The kids always seem to sense these things. They have this new thing where they tell me they love me more than God. I tell them no way. Caleb will open his arms wide and say "God loves you this much." Then he'll reach them all the way behind him until his hands meet "But I love you this much." Wow. I know they can't out-love God but they come pretty close. If only we could all strive to out-love God.

Then the kids were talking about my birthday. Faith has been letting me choose her outfits this week, since it's my birthday, lol. She'll get a few things out and have me choose, it's quite funny. Or she'll tell me to decide where to eat cause I'm the birthday girl. They were telling me they were going to get me something special for my birthday and they were gonna make me something. I told them I was very excited to see what they make. Caleb said "I'm gonna make you something SO special, it will get your heart back together." I asked him what he meant and Faith chimed in "We know your heart is broken cause you miss Daddy."

How do they do it? How can their little hearts and minds seem so much more insightful than I could ever give them credit for? I make terrible mistakes every day, and they still love me. I am helpless, and sometimes checked out, unable to guide them like I should, and yet they find their way somehow. I know I'm blessed to have these wonderful children you've given me.

My heart really is still broken, babe. I would give anything to feel your hug tonight.
I miss you.
I love you always and forever.

Protector

2011-08-04T00:28:00.002-04:00

I hate to admit it, but most days are actually getting easier. But today was not one of those days. I missed you terribly. I don't know if it's because I am feeling ill and I miss having you take care of me or because the sight of other couples was especially painful to me today, but it hurt.

I realized what I missed today was your protection. I've never had anyone take care of me the way you did, who looked out for my best interests like you did. No one has ever made me feel more safe. I never had any serious cares in the world because I always somehow knew things would work out and you'd still be by my side, taking care of me.

I guess in some ways, I'm still in disbelief that you're gone. My protector - you seemed invincible on some levels and I never thought I'd see the day where I wouldn't have that protection from you. Certainly not this soon. I spend all my days now pretending to be strong, just trying to survive. What I really crave is to not have to be so strong, to have someone look out for me and make me feel secure.

I miss you babe.
I love you always and forever.

these faces

2011-08-02T22:24:00.000-04:00

These faces get me every time.

They remind me of why I'm still here. They teach me patience and thoughtfulness. They keep life simple. But they also break my heart, because I see you in them and it aches. A constant reminder that you're not here to protect them or guide them, love them or lead them. It scares the hell outta me that Faith is such a pretty girl. I never worried about it before because I knew no guy would get past her daddy. What do I do now?!? I have anxiety thinking about it. Promise me you'll protect her from there.

They're also too smart for their own good. Today, we buried Brian and they were asking lots of questions, which I'm ok with. But as we each took turns putting dirt over Brian's ashes, I could see Faith's hesitation. Then, she asked me in the car "Mommy, how did Uncle Brian's body fit in that tiny box?" UGH. I didn't know how to answer, I didn't tell them you were cremated either. I told her to ask me when she's older. That didn't work. She said "I'm not that little." And she's right. She's growing up so fast and you're not here. I hate all of it. I hope my explanation didn't horrify her. She seemed content when I told her you and Uncle Brian couldn't feel a thing and that's what I wanted done when I died.

Then Caleb chimed in with a harder response: "Mommy, you said you weren't gonna die." If you didn't guess by now, I was already in tears. How do I explain that everyone dies but I would never leave them on purpose? How do I convey my desire to be in Heaven and my obligation to Daddy and God to love and protect them here? I know Caleb is really sorting out if I'm gonna leave him like you did. He must have said a hundred times today that he misses you and Uncle Brian. They used to believe me that people weren't supposed to die as young as you did, but now why would they? They wanna know who's next. It shouldn't be this way.

I just need some guidance with these two. I'm so worried about screwing them up.
I miss you.
I love you always.

simple

2011-08-01T23:59:00.000-04:00

I miss you the most in the every day simple things:

Going to church with you.
Taking Sunday naps with you, those were always the best.
Holding your hand.
Seeing you smile at me from across the room.
Watching you play with the kids.
Driving.

I love remembering you as you really were: a stubborn, crude-humored Canadian with a temper. Always spoke his mind, always truthful but always thoughtful. I miss fighting with you about where to eat. I miss arguing with you about cleaning around the house. I miss slapping you for trying to get out of cleaning by attempting to seduce me. I miss seeing you asleep on the couch with the TV on. I miss telling you to change when you looked ridiculous. I miss your crude sounds and noises around the house (never thought I'd admit that). I just miss you, not just the idea of you. I miss the things that made you Jeremy.

I miss all those things I told you I never would.
I miss you.
I love you always and forever.

we miss you

2011-08-01T02:38:00.000-04:00

I think Caleb has really been missing you lately. And like me, going through the process of losing Brian has stirred up losing you again too.

I gave the kids the option of sitting through the funeral with me yesterday. They were so scared when they saw you in the casket that they wanted nothing to do with it, but they always ask me questions about it and say they wish they were there. Faith still kept her distance from Brian's casket, but Caleb was fascinated with it. He stood there for a few minutes just absorbing. I wish I knew what he was thinking. He kept asking if he could go back to see Uncle Brian.

When the pallbearers walked away with a closed casket, Caleb got very sad and said "I really miss Uncle Brian. And I really miss Daddy."

He's been telling me he misses you a lot the last few days. I think the kids will probably sit through the burial on Tuesday and maybe it will give them a better idea of what happened with you. I still don't know how to really do this, how to explain to a 4 and a 5 year old what's happened to our family. No one should have to have these kinds of conversations with their small children. It's not right.

One of these days, this loss is going to affect them in ways that I won't be able to heal. I'm sick thinking about that day ever approaching. Wish I could keep this pain from them.

We love you, baby.
We miss you terribly.

P.S. Funny story: Faith was trying to fall asleep in the car last night on the way home but couldn't cause Carter was getting fussy and she kept trying to feed him and give him his pacifier. She got so frustrated that she started to cry. When I tucked her into bed, she said "Mommy, having a baby sure is a lot of work." I laughed and thanked her for noticing. I asked her to imagine what it must be like for me to take care of three kids with no daddy to help. Her eyes got very big. I think she's starting to get it.

Everyday Kings

the new guy

oh to be naive

The change a year can bring

rock bottom

Merry Christmas

mosaic

Happy Birthday Bro

Holidays

Can I say this?

legacy

one year

see

ordinary moments

surrender

just get through today

you were JUST here

show me

zed

the big stuff

turning point

Hurt

still here

proud daddy

a shift

random

you should be here

less than a decade

I love you

4:34

surrender

Carter the ham

goodnight

wait for me

what if

sucker punched

Quirks

time

future and past

tears

deja vu

my greatest ministry

so in love

we will never forget

On this day...

Veronica 'Arnett' Kingis excited to play Beatles Rock Band with the hubs. Be jealous. =]

Veronica 'Arnett' Kinghad SUCH a long, busy, exhausting, eventful, and rewarding week! Ready for the weekend! =]

10 months

7 months

Back to school

a new season

jealousy

deja vu

1000 words

normal

defeated

kids

listening to one of my favorite sounds in the world: the kids wrestling with their daddy. =]

possible?

a broken heart

Faith: "Mommy, what's a broken heart?" Me: "Oh sweet baby....I hope you never have to find out what that is."

something more

charades

friendships

where you are

one day

what matters most

I love you the most-est

vincible

too young/too old

heartbreaking treasure

this day last year

questions without answers

Sarah Beth Photography

picture

youth in action

zoo

9 months

6 months old

Remember

Veronica 'Arnett' King
is excited to play Beatles Rock Band with the hubs. Be jealous. =]

Veronica 'Arnett' King
had SUCH a long, busy, exhausting, eventful, and rewarding week! Ready for the weekend! =]