What hurts the most

The lyrics to the Rascal Flatts song were bouncing around in my head as I sat down to type out this post....

This past weekend, I spent some time in Canada visiting with Jeremy's family. I always look forward to spending my time with them, not only because I love them so much and they don't even know how incredible they are, but also because they keep me close to Jeremy. What I didn't expect was how emotional the trip would be for me. 

I grieved a lot this trip. Steve came with me and we were able to talk about wedding stuff and they allowed me time for my heart to be happy and share good news, but I still ached and I know they did too. It's hard to move forward without feeling like I'm letting pieces of my past go. I want to take it all with me.

I took Steve to Jer's grandparents house. He hadn't been there yet, so we went over for dinner. And suddenly, the hole felt bigger and the knot in my throat grew tighter - the entire time we were there. We had a lovely visit, but I walked around the house looking at all the pictures of Jeremy, wondering why this wave of grief was following me around. Then, we sat down to dinner and ate Jer's favorite dinner EVER (grandma's lasagna) and talked about all of the things he loved to eat at their house and I heard the heartbreak in grandma's voice as she told me she couldn't keep chocolate chip cookies in the cookie jar anymore, and I suddenly knew. I felt closest to Jeremy there at his grandparents house - it was one of his favorite places to be. We spent a week there every Christmas, we traveled there many times throughout the year, I had listened to countless recalled memories from Jer about growing up there, and I knew that such a big piece of his life and his heart were there. I hadn't spent a whole lot of time there since he died, so I guess I had never taken it all in. Even through their joy for Steve and me, I felt their heartache for their oldest grandson. My heart was so heavy for them. And I felt myself lose Jeremy all over again. I lost my future of making more memories with him in that house.

What hurt the most....was being so close...

So close to Jeremy I could almost see him. Standing in the door frame, sitting on the floor wrestling with the kids, sitting at the table licking the blueberry pie plate clean. I can feel him there in his pictures, like they were just taken yesterday. I heard him laughing, felt him breathing there. 

I realized that the places I feel Jeremy closest are also the places I grieve hardest. I felt similar when I took Steve to Jeremy's grave for the first time the following day. Knowing he's there is so overwhelming for me to face sometimes. Feeling close to Jeremy means so much to me, but it lingers for days and sits in my heart.

I know that so much of my day to day looks different than it did before Jeremy died. In a new house, driving a new car - they're not places that Jeremy touched or made a mark in so they don't have that affect on me. But when I go back to those places where I feel him most, something comes over me. 

I was thankful for the sweet man by my side who held my hand while I cried out and grieved the other man that I love. His tender heart held mine as he thanked me for sharing pieces of Jeremy with him, and understood that no matter how much I love him or am thankful for his presence in my life, sometimes.....this grief thing just really hurts. 


Sarah Stier said...

You have yourself a wonderful man there, Vee. What a blessing for him to comfort you in such despair and heartbreak. I am again so sorry for your loss but I am smiling with you in your newfound happiness. Bless your heart!

All.For.Hannah said...

I'm continuing to pray for you. Though we've never met, I love you as my sister in Christ and I am so happy that God is blessing you with another beautiful love story. That being said, your first love story will always be special and unique. Jeremy is the babies "daddy", he brought you to where you are today... The grief and all. His life has taught you SO much and you are who you are today because of his life, and yes, his death. There is nothing wrong with grieving him, it's perfectly normal. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter Hannah, it was 4 years after I had lost my first three precious babies... I was elated, joyful, thankful, but scared, oh so scared of loving another child like that. When she was born all of "that" all of those feelings, all of my questions, everything that happened in 2008 finally made a little more sense. I wasn't replacing my three babies with Hannah, I was adding to my life, my experiences. She was an addition to who I was and where I have been, and where I am going. Not a replacement. My heart is overjoyed for you, but I do know as much as this time is beautiful and exciting, and as much as you're thanking God for this wonderful second chance, it's also heartbreaking... Try not to think about this next phase of your life story as letting go of your past. All you're doing is adding to the book (your life story) that God is writing with you. May God continue to bless you.

Love, Nicole

Heather Smith said...

So glad you had both someone new to lean on and the wonderful memories and past loved ones to surround you!

KendraSpiller said...

girl,this post brought tears to my eyes,imagining how much you've been through,and i just want to give you and steve a huge hug! steve is an incredible man,as you are an incredible woman,not to mention how wonderful jeremy is.i know that he would very much approve of steve,im so happy for ya'll & may God continue to bless your family! much love to ya'll!

Rebekah said...

This is really beautiful, Vee. It speaks so much of Jeremy, his family, and your new sweetheart. It reminds me so much of our story with Ty's mom. When we love one another more than we love ourselves, God steps in and makes everything glorious.

Even in the pain, you all are living examples of my Jesus.

I love it.

Laney Ellen said...

I know its not even comparable really, but I feel this way about my ex. When I am doing things we did together I grieve the end of our relationship so much more. I think about the last time we did that together and not ever really knowing that was going to be the last kind of just crushed you. It is painful to be in those places that make us feel close to the people we loved and lost.


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