3.28.2013

Seasons of grief

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I laid in bed the other night, eyes brimming with tears, threatening to overtake me at just the thought of Jeremy's smile or to hear him laugh just one more time. Ultimately, I couldn't shake it and balled at the overflowing grief that seemed so prevalent.

It's weird that lately, my ache for his personality and presence is so strong. The way he got excited about things, his voice when he was happy, the way he brought life to a room....I miss that. More than I think I ever have before.

It struck me the same evening that my grief goes through different seasons. In February and March, while my children were celebrating birthdays, I was really grieving the loss of their daddy in our lives. It was hurting me that Jeremy was missing them reaching new milestones and getting older and bigger, and he wasn't seeing any of it. I couldn't seem to turn a corner without feeling a stab of bitterness that he wasn't here for our kids.

Now that I think back, I can remember going through different seasons of grief. Not just the stages of grief like anger, denial, or depression....but grieving different specific pieces about the man that I loved. I went through a long phase of grieving not being able to experience Heaven with Jeremy, or constantly wondering what it will be like and yearning for the experience. Anything that was different than life without him. I went through a phase of really missing his knowledge of being able to fix anything, answering the questions I couldn't, and figuring out every electronic in our home. I remember for weeks in a row focusing on the absence of his physical presence - the feeling of holding his hand, the physical space he took up in the bed next to me and how empty it felt without him there, the comfort of his embrace. Then, it was smells - I missed his cologne, and the smell of his deodorant could have sent me on a downward spiral of tears....I even missed the smelly work clothes wreaking of cut grass, sweat, dirt, and body odor!

Has anyone else experienced these different seasons of specific pieces of grief? I call them seasons because they inevitably come back around. I will eventually grieve those pieces again in different situations along the way. And I also wonder what other pieces of him I haven't fully grieved yet.

Ultimately, it's all pieces of the same whole. All the parts that made up the man that I fell in love with. I grieve him completely, and apparently separately for all the different voids he left in my life. Different views of the same heart. Seasons taking affect on the same tree. But, oh, that tree sure was beautiful. I will miss it in every season.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

It is going on two years without the love of my life and each day is a reminder of how special he was and how much we loved each other. Seasons come and go & each one is a constant memory of him. I wish he was here everyday!
I hate the moments we shared without him. I will never be the same. To much pain!

Is It Really All Random? said...

I have been through the *seasons*, as you call them, for 20 years. I am married, happily, since the seventh year after my widowhood. And still there are times when I am clear only my son's father would truly understand a moment. I still think about what it would be like to tell him *the news* - 20 years worth. The buildings that have been leveled, and those that replace them, around me, and inside me. He has no idea about Trader Joe's, Costco, or iPhones. Imagine!

More than anything, I wish he could see his son, 11 when he left, 32 as of last week. I wish the same for my son. Goodness knows, the boy/now man has news to tell his father, not the least of which is what it was like to live on without his dad.

You have beautifully captured the maturation of grief, as Stephanie Ericsson refers to it. From one who walks with you, thank you.

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