I have absolutely no idea why this struck me so hard, but sitting in the hospital with my brother, all I kept thinking was "Brian can't die and leave all of mom's grandchildren fatherless." The thought was so heavy and sickening. I shouldn't have shared it with my mom, cause I think it crushed her. But I can't believe that became reality.
Fatherless. That word ignites such emotion in me. It's hard enough to watch our children grow up without you. Now I have to watch my sweet nephew go through the same thing? It's too much. They all have good male examples in their lives, but they all lost incredible fathers. It's totally unfair. Today, while Caleb and Braiden spent time together it broke my heart to think that one of their bonds will be that they don't have their dads. It's weird. But they love each other so much, they're attached at the hip. I love the picture of them holding hands while they watched the fire trucks today, they are so sweet.
"A Father to the fatherless." The phrase used to describe God is one of the few that I'm able to hold on to right now. I'm terrified of watching our children grow up without you and what kind of holes it will leave in their hearts, their minds, and their behavior. But I can only hope that God will hold their hearts with special care and fill that incredible void like only He can.
Be with your children tonight, babe. With all this happening with uncle Brian, they're asking a lot of questions about you too. They really miss you.
I miss you, too. So very much.
I love you more than anything in the world.
