Q & A: Part 7 - The last ones

This is the final part in our Question and Answer series. It's a combination of some of the miscellaneous question and new questions that arose since we began. Thank you to everyone who was brave enough to ask us tough questions, and thank you for letting us use our story to make a difference. We pray that our answers have been helpful, and even though the truth isn't always easy, we pray it sheds light where light needs to shine and create understanding in an arena where there is little.

1. Are you going to continue using this blog now that you're remarried, or are you planning on starting a new blog with your new family?

I will continue to use this blog because it’s not just about parts of my life, but all of it. Eventually, when I find the time, I will likely incorporate all the other pieces as well but updating all that takes forever and I just haven’t been able to do it yet. But I won’t completely change it – the name will remain the same, Jeremy will remain a big part of it as well.

2. My husband and I are looking at life insurance right now because you never know what tomorrow brings. Were also working on our Will and other things of that nature. However with a tight budget already right now Life Insurance is something we always said we would get "later' because we were so focused on our day to day survival that life insurance really didn't come into the picture. With that said, Did Jeremy have life insurance and if he did, did it make grieving for his loss more doable since you didn't have the extra worry of finances? From someone who has walked that awful path of losing a spouse, I am wondering if there is any advice you can give me. Thank you.

Jeremy and I did not buy life insurance, but he was covered with the basic term insurance provided by his work, which wasn’t a ton. But anything helps when it comes to finances, because not only is it difficult to sort all that out while you’re blinded by grief, it’s also a huge stressor trying to figure out how you’re family will survive on one income. While the term insurance was helpful, I definitely regretted not taking the time to do it with Jer for sure. Even just a minimum amount is helpful, if you can manage it in your budget.

3. Would you mind sharing what phone editing software you use? Your pics have always been so beautiful!

Haha, I was not expecting this question! I usually take all my pictures on my phone, since it’s always with me. I use Instagram or Camera+ or Camera! to use all their different filters to edit the pictures. The photos you see that are not filtered from my phone are probably taken by my beautiful and talented friends Sarah and Vicki.

4. What's your favorite food ever? Something that makes you drool just thinking about it. It can be a dish or a type of food (ie. cheese, bread etc).



I can’t say I have one favorite food, but I would say I’m in love with Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares with Caramel – I put a bag in the fridge and I swear that’s what Heaven will taste like! I also am a sucker for slushies, pizza, or anything with avocados.

Steve: Donuts, cake, or BBQ – take your pick… I LOVE them all!!  And if I could get a BBQ flavored cake-donut all bets are off!!

5. What's your favorite time of day?


Nap time, of course J

Steve: I have lots of favorite times of the day! But my two favorite times have to be our bedtime routine with the kids (reading stories, praying, and doing Bible trivia together as a family) and spending time with just Vee and I after the kids are asleep and the house is finally quiet J

6. If you could be an animal what would you be and why?



Um, I’ve never put much thought into this and I wouldn’t qualify myself as a huge animal lover, but I would have to say a Tiger. They’re so beautiful and have very few predators. Plus, they like nap time too!

Steve: I am not sure I have ever had to think about this question, but I guess if I have to choose one animal to be, I would say a bear. Bears can eat whatever they want and no one is going to tell them otherwise (after all, who is going to tell a bear he is overweight?!)… and, 9 times out of 10, if you go to the zoo the bear is off sleeping somewhere, which means I would get a lot more nap time!

7. I also read "Heart Cries" (and love love love love that blog!)

I remember that she did a really amazing interview style bunch of videos on her blog when she was answering a bunch of questions with her first son's birth mother...

Would you ever consider adding some "video blog entries" so we can hear from you and Steve verbally!?

I think that would be kind of cool!!

That is a very cool idea that I had never really thought about before. I can tell you there is a reason I write – because I can organize my thoughts before they come out. I’m not nearly as impressive in person. But, I definitely have that on my list of ideas to do sometime. Thanks for the suggestion!

8. How is Faith doing with her birth order being changed since she is no longer the eldest? Also, how is Steve's youngest (sorry I don't know her name) dealing with no longer being the youngest?

It’s been pretty interesting and fun to watch the girls adjust to their new roles. I think overall, they’re adjusting quite well. I’m grateful that Faith doesn’t feel so much pressure to take care of things like she did after Jeremy died, I think it made her age way faster than I wanted her to. But she still likes to tell me “Zada, Reagan and I are the oldest. Caleb and Carter are the youngest” – so she still functions that way sometimes. I think she likes going back and forth, to be honest – she has sisters she gets to go to for help with make-up/dress-up, girls to play with while still using her nurturing side to take care of her brothers. Reagan has seemed to really enjoy having someone younger than her to boss around! Haha, I think she loves being the big sister and I love the little voice she uses when she’s playing that role. “Now remember Faith, we need to this….” “Caleb, remember Mom and Dad want us to do that…” It’s very sweet and I think she likes having the little bit of responsibility that comes with the role – it makes her feel important. She’s a wonderful big sister.

FOR STEVE:

9. As a bereavement counselor, what advice would you give me to find someone as wonderful as you? I feel as if I'm going to have to settle for the first shmoe to come along since I am not beautiful. (One guy told me he would be with me if I supported him and let him move into my house...he doesn't have a job and got kicked out of his apt., and he said I should take his offer since I'm not pretty and won't ever find anyone else anyway...I didn't take the "offer"). Please give me some advice. I'm so lonely for the kind of love Vee has found with you. I used to be so happy when my husband was alive because he thought I was beautiful but no one else ever will. What should I do? (I realize this may not be the forum for this exactly, but I really need advice and Vee said we can ask anything. I don't know where to turn. My friends are sick of hearing it.)

First of all, let me tell you that I am not perfect.  I have my own set of flaws and imperfections that Vee has to deal with – no one is perfect! However, please, PLEASE don’t settle for someone who does not treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.  I have told Vee numerous times that if, for whatever reason, we had never wound up dating or marrying, I hoped she would have found someone who treated her like a princess, who would walk beside her, support her, carry her when she was down, love her for who she is, and allow her to embrace her past while living in the present. I consider myself BLESSED to be the man who gets to walk beside her in this journey, much like I know Jeremy felt blessed to walk beside her in their marriage. 

While widowhood can leave you with a longing for intimacy, love, and companionship, it is important to not opt for someone who can “tolerate” your past, but who can support and love the person you are! I don’t know you, and will probably never get to meet you, but what I can tell you is that God designed you specially – you are His handiwork, and therefore you deserve to be treated that way! Don’t settle for some jerk that wants to take advantage of you, or who treats you less than a princess. Its not always easy to wait, and sometime its tempting to rush into things because we see ourselves as “broken” or with “baggage”, but trust me, there is someone out there who God has designed to help you feel beautiful in the area of your life where you feel so messed up.

10. Now we know that Steve is divorced and that there is a mom in the picture, albeit the wack-job she seems to be. How do her visits with her daughters affect your relationship with the girls? I know you said that you love them and they love you, but they are not teens yet and someday wacky mom might offer them things like freedom to do as they please when they are teens, just to make trouble in your household. How will you handle this practically? Are you prepared for it? Are you ever worried she will bad-mouth you to the girls? The family you created seems so near to perfect that I wonder if you or Steve are ever afraid that the mom will try to destroy it?

I have a ton of fears, most of which I am sure the normal divorcee has when they have to balance the relationship with their ex-spouse for the benefit of their children.  While you list a couple of fears here, there are many I worry about even more for Zada and Reagan, for instance: Since their mom has severe health issues and has inconsistently taken her medications, I fear walking the girls through her early death because she failed to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  Because she has had unstable mental health for so many years I fear that this may be something that causes the girls problems in their personal lives and relationships. I fear that somehow they may pick up on her unhealthy relationship and emotional patterns and it will become something that plagues them personally. I fear for them when they get old enough and learn the truth about their mom and the ways in which she has hurt them, me, or others in our family including her own mother. So, yes there are a lot of fears I have, but the way that I look at it, I cannot allow myself be consumed by these fears. I have to do what I know is right, work as hard as I can with Vee to show the girls God’s love through our parenting, and pray that no matter what God will protect them in ways I only wish I could.  I daily pray for them – and for all our children, that God will help me be the right man and father for them today, tomorrow, and for the rest of their lives.  I pray for wisdom well beyond my years to know how to deal with those situations as they arise as well as to be thankful for the fears that never come to fruition.  

Q &A: Part 6 - Relationship Questions

Here's our Part 6 of the Q&A series for you - only one more to go! Good thing we've been traveling a ton and have had a ton of time in the car to get all these questions answered, otherwise, it would have taken us months to get through it all. Tonight's questions are relationship questions.

1. Could you talk a little about the progression of your relationship, as it moved quickly?

Vee: Well, I feel like we’ve covered some of this in other areas, but I’ll touch on it again. I realize that for a lot of people – myself included had I not been the one experiencing it – think that things between Steve and me happened quickly. And it did. But what you also have to take into account is that we weren’t looking to “date” – we both had families, lives in the work, and responsibilities to take care of. We lived in different states and weren’t about to put ourselves or our family through a long distance relationship going back and forth if it wasn’t worth it. And we made sure we discussed all the hard issues very early on, no pretenses. What also needs to be taken into account is that we knew of each other first. We weren’t close friends, but had hung out enough for me to know what kind of guy Steve was, what kind of dad he was, and the integrity he showed in the midst of his divorce – it didn’t just come from him telling me, I got to see it. We weren’t strangers, and our closest friends trusted him and loved him, so I knew I could too.

What I find so funny is that Jeremy and I had a pretty quick relationship as well. We dated for about 5 months before we got engaged, and got married 4 months later! Only 3 months longer than I was with Steve before we got married. What can I say?! When I know, I know!

Steve: As Vee stated, we weren’t strangers prior to our relationship. We had know each other for a couple of years, hung out on several occasions, and knew each other’s back story. I had seen the kind of relationship that Jeremy and Veronica had, I knew that she was a great wife. I had seen the kind of relationship that Vee had with her kids and knew that she was a great mom. I had seen the kind of relationship she had with God despite losing Jeremy and could tell she was a woman who followed after God’s heart. The real part that was unknown was whether or not we could be more than just good friends.

The first night that we talked on the phone, we both laid it out really simply and really clearly that neither of us wanted to date just for fun. As Vee shared, there was too much at risk for both of us. Because of our past circumstances and histories, we cut through a lot of the formalities of dating in a few hours and got to the meat and bones of a relationship. Truthfully, I knew I wanted to marry Vee within probably a week of us talking…let’s be honest, what’s not to love about her? While it may seem fast for some, I feel like it was all in God’s timing. As Vee and I talk about it, even today, we can’t imagine it being any different than it was – we feel like it was exactly the way God worked it and we have a lot of peace about that.

2. Do you ever feel like there is a third person in your relationship (or maybe 4, I don't know Steve's situation)?



Vee: While I take pieces of my life with Jeremy with me (how could I not?) I feel like my relationship with Steve is one in its own. It’s complicated of course, because I am completely in love with two people and the way that plays out can be confusing. But what’s incredible about how God gives us the capacity to love is that neither outweighs or negates the other. Jeremy and Steve are two different men – they have some things in common, but my relationship with each of them is different. There are things Steve and I handle differently than Jeremy and I would have – and that’s ok. Because what I know is that I love and trust Steve and together even if our strategies are different, the goal is the same.

Steve’s ex wife holds no influence in our relationship, other than in the insecurities that have been left behind in Steve and his self-image, and really that just makes me strive to show him what a good and healthy relationship looks like. We handle minor issues regarding Zada and Reagan, but she’s not an entity in our relationship.

Steve: This is an interesting question and one that I’ve seen talked a lot about in various blogs and writings for widows and widowers who are remarrying. There’s a stance for some that says when you marry a widow(er), you should be prepared for a marriage of 3, while others state that the widow(er) should completely leave behind their past relationship to move forward with a new one. While I can’t speak for anybody else, I am uncomfortable with both of those. No doubt Jeremy and Veronica’s relationship changed them both and despite Jeremy’s death, it doesn’t change Vee’s feeling for him. It’s an ongoing part of the story. But my marriage to Vee is ours. We talk about Jeremy, Vee shares memories, but this in no way implies that there are 3 people here. The same is true for my ex-wife. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t shaped by my relationship with her. From time to time, she is a topic of conversation (though not spoken of as fondly as Jeremy) but in no way is she a part of our marriage. Vee and I have our own way of communicating, our own way of raising our children, our own way of loving each other that is unique to us.

3. Do you think it's wise to make plans for the big "what if" my spouse dies or is that morbid? If so, what kinds of plans do you wish you had made with Jeremy or are you now making with Steve? 


Vee: Of course I think it’s wise to make plans for if your spouse dies. It might be difficult, but the truth is, one of you is going to die first. If and when it happens, you’ll be sorry you didn’t do more. Have life insurance. Have a will. It just makes things go smoother. Not easier, nothing makes it easier, but it will be one less thing you have to worry about. My other suggestion would be to take the time to write a letter to each other only to open if your spouse dies before you. I had done it for Jeremy as a wedding gift, and I would have given anything to have one from him. Just to have his words to hold onto would have been so special. Cheesy, maybe – but trust me, it would be invaluable.

Steve and I haven’t put anything in place yet, but it is a topic of conversation because we want to do that soon – establishing a will, writing letters to each other, talking about what each of us would want for funerals, burials, etc. – so that we know. But Steve isn’t allowed to die first – we made a deal. ;)

Steve: I think its super important to talk about those issues long ahead of time. I worked with many couples who had never discussed issues of where they wanted to be buried, what kind of funeral service they wanted to have, never wrote out a will, or even talked about what would happen if one of them passed away, and yet one of them was facing just a few weeks left to live because of a terminal illness. Trying to make those decisions while in the throws of grief is needless pain when you have the opportunity to discuss if beforehand. Vee and I have had several conversations about our own deaths, funeral wishes, burial wishes, and what we would like to happen with our children if either one of us dies first. While these talks aren’t easy, I feel like it’s given us some peace about what the other person wants. I know that this is especially a hard topic for Vee, because this is one of her greatest fears, but it’s also a reality and something we have to face: one of us will die before the other.

4. My 27 year old husband died suddenly from heart disease (that we didn't know he had) 2 1/2 months ago. I am now dealing with the fear of those close to me just dropping dead. Did you deal with this fear? If so, are you still dealing with it?

Vee: I did have this fear, especially at the beginning. Saying goodbye to people was very difficult. But I suffer from this in another form: If I am trying to get a hold of someone and can’t and have no idea where they are, I have major anxiety attacks. This has happened 3 times now with Steve, and I had no idea how severe it was. But every time, I have flashbacks of texting Jeremy and not hearing back from him, then my mind races to every horrible scenario that could possibly have happened, and my heart races and I hold back tears. Last week, I went to a movie with some friends and never heard back from Steve. I called, no answer. I knew he should have been home with all the kids, but I couldn’t stay – I had to rush home to make sure he was okay because I was starting to panic and didn’t want anyone to notice. He was sleeping, of course, but it took over an hour for me to calm down from the idea of losing Steve. I couldn’t even talk about it with him, even knowing I was being ridiculous, without tears. The fear of losing other people I love haunts me often. Steve takes every precaution to make sure he takes his phone with him and gets back to me when he can. The only way I deal with it really is knowing that fear can’t keep me from loving people with all I have – it’s better to love and lose than never to love at all. I am living proof.

Steve: Your fear and reaction to that fear are a normal response to anyone who’s gone through a tragic or traumatic experience. Vee and I have talked about this as she shared some of the fears that she’s had when she hasn’t been able to get a hold of me. These times are called ‘triggers’ and they trigger an emotional response from a previous event. Some counselors or psychologists refer to this as post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. This is fairly normal for most people who have gone through something traumatic and no reason for alarm, unless it something that’s preventing you from your daily life. The main thing you can do to help work through those anxious moments is to be able to talk them out with someone you trust over time. Vee and I have been able to share her feelings and thoughts she had when she wasn’t able to get a hold of me. It doesn’t mean that the next time she’s unable to get a hold of me she won’t still feel anxiety or fear, but it allows me to do everything I can to help prevent those moments. It allows her to confront some of those fears with somebody she knows loves and supports her.

5. How do you and Steve handle holidays you shared with Jeremy (your anniversary with Jeremy, Jeremy's birthday)? 


Vee: Steve is so loving and gracious in these areas. He’s very good about allowing me celebrate Jeremy, and even joining me in honoring him, and letting me grieve when I need to. He makes himself available to me to talk with or cry on if that’s what I need, and also gives me space to grieve privately if that’s what I need. For Jeremy’s birthday, we host a birthday party and bring all of Jeremy’s favorite foods and Steve is committed to helping me continue that tradition, not just for me, but for our children as well. Since my anniversary is coming up on the 19^th of this month (this Thursday), Steve has already asked me what I would like to do on this day and how I would feel most comfortable spending my time. He’s very thoughtful in these areas. Actually, he’s pretty thoughtful in most areas. J

Steve: In a previous question, Vee was asked if I allowed her to grieve Jeremy or to celebrate or remember those special occasions. For me, there’s a difference between ‘allowing’ and ‘supporting’. She doesn’t have to have my permission to grieve Jeremy – that’s natural and expected. While I hurt to watch her grieve, I’m honored to be able to support her as she grieves and to grieve along side of her. It’s nothing she does on her own. While her intensity is greater than mine, because she was married to Jeremy, I share in her grief and I support her fully. I try to look for opportunities to allow her to express her grief and although not always easy for me, give her the space she needs when she wants to grieve privately.

6. How did you ease into being intimate (emotionally, physically etc) with a new partner? Did you find it was really difficult initially?

I have only been with one man and that is my husband - how did you adjust sharing yourself emotionally, mentally and physically with Steve. Was it a hard adjustment?

Talking about intimacy in the widow world can be very taboo.  No one wants to talk about it; therefore it can be very difficult thing to deal with. Not just the loneliness that comes along with losing a partner, but also the ache for intimacy that’s included. Add that to pregnancy hormones, and I can say the first 3 months after Jeremy’s death were very difficult for me, and I was only able to share that with a few people!

Steve and I had a much better transition than I thought, but I attribute that to the fact that Steve is very patient and loving, and I trust him with my heart. If we hadn’t been emotionally or mentally in line, then the physical stuff probably wouldn’t have been either. That’s not to say it is always easy. Steve was lucky enough to have to deal with an emotional bride a few times on our honeymoon, poor guy. Not because our relationship isn’t beautiful or wonderful (which it is!) but because I am still grieving, and needed to grieve that part of my life with Jeremy. But I think intimacy is a part of relationship that reflects all the other pieces. Steve has been very careful with my heart and we have a great relationship mentally and emotionally – therefore, our physical relationship is pretty awesome as well.

Steve: Intimacy was honestly a big deal for both Vee and I, but for very different reasons. For me, I had been really hurt in the past and wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to get hurt like that again in the future. Vee understood my insecurities and knew the vulnerability I felt in intimacy and was really patient with me as well. Because of what I went through, which was honestly one of my biggest fears, our emotional connection and spiritual connection laid an amazing foundation for our physical connection. From time to time I still have those insecurities about intimacy, but since Vee is such an amazing wife she’s been very healing for me.

The last section of questions will be miscellaneous ones along with any new ones that have come up since we started. Thank you all for allowing us to share pieces of our story with you!

Q & A: Part 2 (AGAIN!) - Getting to know Steve

Y'all didn't realize how much there was to know about Steve! Well, here's the rest of our questions:

4. I'd love to know how Steve fell in love with you and how he first knew. You've mentioned that he was Jeremy's friend. I'd love to know more about how he approached you and how he fell for you. :)

I would love to know more about Steve and how you two came to meet and fall in love. Steve's background was very vague so I’m wondering if that has to do with you two getting together and meeting.

Vee and I first met officially back a couple of years ago, but we both agree that we may have met earlier than that but it would have just been in passing.  I had met and known Jeremy several years prior to meeting Vee while he was singing and traveling with Deeper Still at many of the youth functions that I had taken my youth group to when I was a Youth Minister.  Although Jeremy and I were not what I would consider close friends, we had talked on the phone a couple of times about church work, finances, and hunting right up to a few weeks before his death. When Vee and I met officially she and Jeremy had come down to Indiana to visit some of our mutual friends and we all wound up going out to eat together. While Vee and I both wish we could remember a lot more about that day, we both remember how Jeremy and I sat at the end of the table together, laughing and sharing funny and crass stories with each other.

Vee and I have many mutual friends and had hung out together several times over the years both while Jeremy was alive and after his death.  Ever since I met Vee for the first time I appreciated many things about her that are apparent for anyone who comes into contact with her: her love for her husband, her love for her children, her love for God, and her fun-loving personality. 

Because we had so many mutual friends who knew our personalities were so close and we had always enjoyed hanging out with each other, several of our friends saw what a good fit we would be together before we ever started dating. 

When I talked to Vee for the first time about being more than “just friends,” we had a long conversation about how neither one of us was interested in “dating for fun.”  Too much was at risk! We both had children, schedules, lives, and most importantly, we had both been hurt (for different reasons) and didn’t want to waste time in a relationship that really wasn’t going to go anywhere.  I think our first conversation lasted 4 hours where we both laid out a laundry list of our own hurts, fears, and things we couldn’t comprise on.  Over the next week we talked several times a day, sharing deep details and “exploring the possibility” of us together.  I clearly remember the moment where I knew Vee was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  While Vee is super gorgeous and every day I feel very blessed to wake up beside such a physically attractive woman, it was not her outward beauty that made me fall in love with her, but her heart, her honesty, and her openness.  I remember her telling me very intimate hurts and mistakes, things she wanted to change and regrets that she had.  I know it sounds a bit weird to fall in love with someone as they tell you the stuff about their life they are embarrassed by, but for me it made me realize a couple things about Vee: 1) She is as honest a woman as there is! As Vee shared with me I realized that there were no secrets, no hidden spaces, she was not going to cover up the scary parts of her life, but those were going to be as exposed as all of the beautiful pieces of her life.  In her honesty Vee was showing me “all” of her – and that is how I love her the most, I love the past mistakes and broken pieces right along side the creativity, strong and loving nature, and amazing beauty! 2) I could trust her with everything! Vee shared with me hurts that she didn’t have to share with me, things I would have never know had she just kept them to herself, but she didn’t! She showed me in sharing her life with me that I could trust her with everything – and I do! 3) That she cared about me, my fears, and my girls enough to not put up a façade of who she thought I was looking for, but was willing to show me all side of her – and I honestly love them all! 

While I knew within the first two weeks that I wanted to marry Vee, I also knew that it was going to be harder for her to feel the same.  Not only was Vee going to have to search her heart to make sure she was ready for this step after losing Jeremy, but she would have to battle the “mile-markers” in a new relationship that meant that Jeremy would no longer be the person that she was going to be experiencing those things with. She would have to find a peace in her own heart and mind between loving me and loving Jeremy, and she would have to navigate any shame or guilt that may come from family, friends, and strangers who may tell her that her love for Jeremy was insignificant for finding another love in her life.  For anyone who has been widowed – these are huge steps! I realized this and from day one I tried to make sure that Vee understood I did not want to make her sacrifice her past for her future – whether it was with me or anyone else. 

I will let Vee share at a later time how she fell in love with me… but that is how I knew she was the one for me J 

Vee: Since I don’t believe there is another question about how I came to fall in love with Steve, I suppose I’ll answer here. Oddly enough, it didn’t take that long considering, and yet it evolved through what seemed like endless prayer, countless late night conversations with my best friend, and a lot of tears. The first night we sat on the phone together for hours getting to know each other, I hung up and my first thought was…”Well, crap.” It’s true! I couldn’t find anything wrong with him – he was genuine, funny, kind, a wonderful dad (and I already loved his daughters), thoughtful, and really seemed to understand what I was going through. Aside from those things, we were obviously very compatible – in our humor, interests, music tastes, parenting styles, ambitions, etc. I didn’t want to like him, but from the very beginning, I knew God was up to something. Everything seemed to fit together too well, and I was waiting for a shoe to drop. But it never did. And every time I talked to him, I found the hardest pieces of my heart start to soften. 

I was still very careful about it though. I asked God early on to make it very obvious to me if this was not the path He wanted me to take. I will never forget the first time Steve told me he loved me: I could tell he’d been wanting to tell me, but I could also tell that it was bittersweet for him. He shared the guilt he originally felt for falling in love with me and knowing that the only way it could’ve happened was out of Jeremy’s death and how much that hurt him. I remember him telling me that falling in love with me meant that he would do anything to bring Jeremy back for me so I wouldn’t have to hurt. WOW (that’s exactly what I thought, too).  But they weren’t just words from him – I knew he meant them. I remember telling Sarah about it, just aching for someone to share it with. She asked me how I felt about it, and I burst into tears and said “I’m completely in love with him, but I don’t know how to say it!” I knew I had fallen for Steve, but had a really hard time telling him. I knew once I did, I could never go back. It meant facing a really scary world I was unfamiliar with, and also one that would hold judgment, ridicule, and confusion from others who didn’t understand. But again, I feel like I can’t stress this enough – it was God’s timing, not mine. So, while Steve told me he loved me first and I patiently waited for the right moment, it totally bubbled over and spilled out of me! How did I get so lucky to find two incredible, God-fearing men in my life? I really have no idea but I can tell you, I’m so incredibly grateful.

5. I'm dying to know: what is the story with Steve and ice cream cake?

I am dying to know, who doesn’t like ice-cream cake?!  For real!!! Seriously though, when I was growing up my mom had her own business making wedding cakes – which meant that many weeks our house was filled with the smell of warm, delicious cake! So, my love for all kinds of cakes started in my childhood… but ice-cream cakes seems to be just a Canada thing J  The first trip that I made to Canada to visit Jeremy’s family we celebrated Jeremy’s oldest sisters birthday and they had an ice-cream cake.  Every time I have been back to visit our Canadian family since then, we have had ice-cream cake (for various reasons – but I refuse look a gift-horse in the mouth!) so it seems like a bit of tradition now!  We are heading up to Canada this week and, since its Byron’s birthday (Jeremy’s dad), Arlene got a new job (Jeremy’s mom), and I finished my Masters – I think we decided to eat ice-cream cake everyday we are there – or at least that is what I have been replaying over and over again in my head J

6. Does Steve allow you to keep pictures of Jeremy up in common areas of the house? Does he allow you to mourn Jeremy on Jeremy's birthday, death-day, and wedding anniversary you shared with him? Are you allowed to "visit" Jeremy? I ask these because there is this very popular guy online who encourages people who marry widow(er)s to force the widow(er) to extricate the deceased spouse from their life completely, never again speaking of them or visiting the cemetery or anything, and calls grieving people selfish if they want to do these things. If that is what I have to do to find love again, then I can do without it. I will never extricate my deceased husband from my heart. Ever. 

The love and relationship that Vee and Jeremy had was real, valuable, and life changing!  They were both better people because of each other and together they brought three wonderful children in the world!  Jeremy didn’t choose to leave, he did not mistreat Vee or abandon his children, he died.  And just because someone dies does not mean that we no longer love them, or want to talk about them.  It’s not a matter of me “allowing” Vee to put pictures of Jeremy in the house, it’s a part of who she is and who the kids are! In order to fully love her, I have to love her for who she is, not for who I want her to be. Before we were married, Vee had pictures of Jeremy in the bedroom, living room, hallway, etc….since we’ve been married, none of that has changed nor have I asked her to change any of it. However, if I’m being honest, the first night we were home together, I remember looking over at a picture of Jeremy and Veronica and for a moment I felt like I had taken another man’s wife. Since that time, it hasn’t bothered me but I know if it did, it would be something Vee and I could talk openly about. At the same time, I also realize that those feelings don’t stem from Jeremy and Veronica’s relationship, or even from the pictures, but come from my own insecurities and inadequacies. Not only will I never ask Veronica to take any pictures of Jeremy down in the house, but I think it’s good and healthy to leave some up because it gives us an opportunity to talk about Jeremy, his life, and to talk with the kids about their dad.

Very early on, I made sure that Vee knew it was ALWAYS ok to talk about Jeremy, her past with him, times when she missed him the most, and whatever else she wanted to share.  I share this information because I believe that if you are a widow or a widower, you should not EVER have to leave your past behind to move forward with someone else.  If someone that you are dating does not like it that you talk about your late spouse, have pictures of them, or items that remind you of them – then I would suggest that they are not the person you should waste your time with!

Vee: I want to interject here to share my side of this as well as attest to what a great guy Steve really is. It’s true that he doesn’t mind the pictures of Jer in the house or all the other things around that belonged to him. Steve knew that first week we were talking that I would never settle for anything less than someone who didn’t respect my relationship and life I had already built WITH Jeremy – and then BECAUSE of Jeremy. The woman that Steve fell in love with is the woman who was shaped and changed by another man. It’s just a part of our relationship. But I will state that it is not the MAIN part of our relationship. While I’m thankful that Steve has never asked me to take pictures of Jeremy down, I also know that if I didn’t have any pictures of Steve anywhere to be found or in addition to the ones already up, that wouldn’t be fair to Steve, or to his girls. While planning our wedding, we were very intentional about honoring Jeremy, but not having a memorial service – it was a day to celebrate the love and redemption that Steve and I found in each other, and it wouldn’t be fair again to Steve if the whole day was about Jeremy. He was evident in every corner – in the faces of his beautiful family, his wonderful sisters standing beside me, the candle lit, the location, the stories – he was there. He will always be there. And I continue to carry him with me. It’s a hard balance to figure out how to create a future with a man that still is so entangled in a past with another man. I can’t say I’ve mastered it or can even claim we’re doing it right, but I can say that Steve and I work together as a team when we come across any of these issues, and very respectfully work through them together with prayerful consideration.

Since we are a team, Steve is very proactive about honoring Jeremy’s legacy and making sure that our children know what a great man he was. We take things to Jer’s memorial stone for special days – or just when the kids ask. We have picnics there on beautiful days because we like to spend time there. I have taken Steve up to Jeremy’s grave in Canada as well. It was important to both of us. Last year, we started a tradition on Jeremy’s birthday to honor his memory by all getting together and making Jer’s favorite foods and remembering him…this year, Steve participated and even drove through the night to be a part of it, made a dish, and made an effort to show that he was not a replacement for Jeremy, and that he wanted to be a part of remembering him. He talks to Faith and Caleb about their daddy regularly, asking them questions about him, their memories, and praying about him at night. Zada and Reagan have decorated stones for Jeremy and other special items on their own request.

Steve also understands that my grief is on-going and never-ending. I still struggle to understand why Jeremy’s not here. I still battle anger in moments, I still burst into tears for no reason. Not often, and not out of unhappiness of my life now, but because grieving someone who was an integral part of your life never ends. I still love Jeremy as much as I ever have. I still miss him every single day. And if someone wants to claim that as selfishness – then so be it. I don’t mind being selfish in that way and luckily, Steve understands that. He is very patient with me in my grief, loving and understanding – even if that just means I lay in his arms and cry. And sometimes, that’s exactly what I need.

 7. How does Steve feel reading your blog when you talk about missing and loving Jeremy and not being able to wait to be reunited with him in heaven? I know he is a kind, understanding man, but it has to hurt him just a little.

While I know that for many of you, Vee’s blog is your main access to her life, her world and her grief, for me Vee’s blog is a summary of various topics and thoughts and emotions we’ve talked about together since we first started dating. While you read her posts a couple of times a month, I get the opportunity to talk with her on car rides, or bedtime, or as we’re going throughout our daily routine – so there’s nothing in her blogs that surprise me or catch me off-guard or aren’t things that we haven’t already talked about along the way. However I feel like maybe the underlying question is does it ever bother me that Vee loves and misses another man? The honest answer is it’s hard to watch someone to grieve. It’s hard to know that along side every happy moment, you watch them also miss somebody they would love to be there with. Even though it’s hard, it doesn’t change the way I feel about Vee or the way I love her or the way I know that she loves me. While I have a lot of my own insecurities based from my past relationship, because of the way Vee loved and loves Jeremy, because of her loyalty to him, I feel safe in my relationship with Veronica, knowing she can love me the same way.

Vee: Heaven happens to be a sensitive topic for us both, and one that I will attempt to dive into in another post.

Q & A: Part 2 (section A, paragraph 3, line 6) - Getting to know Steve

Here's part 2 of our Q & A series: Getting to know Steve. Once we finished answering all these questions, it totaled 10 pages! So, we're breaking up this section. Half of the questions for you here today, and the rest tomorrow. We don't want to put you to sleep all at once!

1. I'd love to hear Steve's life story :)

Life story… well, I think I will spare you a ton of time and a good nap and cut out a lot of the details that you probably don’t care too much about – but hopefully you will get to know a little more about me and begin to see how God intertwined mine and Vee’s lives to bring about redemption and healing.

I grew up in Anderson, Indiana where I lived until I moved to Rochester Hills after our wedding.  My childhood was pretty normal – it was an all boy home (minus my mom) so we did a TON of sports, camping, hunting, and fishing.  My parents were great examples of love and selflessness and made sure my older brother and I were well plugged in to a good church home.  Although life was all around pretty good, it was flecked with episodes of depression from my dad who had been abused as a child.  Watching him struggle with self-worth made me want to “do something” to help.  It was from this early point in my childhood where I began thinking about spending my career as a counselor helping those who had been through hardships and giving them hope.  In addition, when I was in my early teenage years I developed a love for the Bible and began thinking about a career as a minister when I grew up. 

Unfortunately, as you will probably see from my writing, I was much better at being a class-clown than a top-notch student and consider myself pretty blessed to graduate high school and really had no serious thoughts of going to college.  With no college degree there was little hope of being a counselor or minister, so I spent several years working various jobs: childcare, engineering, janitor, home repossessions, maximum security prison guard, etc… you name it, and I have probably done it once, or twice.  But the truth was, none of these things was what I felt like God had called me to do and I felt like I was missing out! After several years of debating whether or not to go to college, I finally took the plunge and got my undergraduate degree with a double major in Psychology and Social Work in 2003 shortly before the birth of my second daughter, Reagan.

At the same time I began working for a church in Indiana and after I finished my degrees I began working 2 jobs, one as a youth minister and one as a mental health counselor.  While I originally loved my job as a mental health counselor my heart began to grow restless to help people in another setting and it was not too long before I had found myself working as a bereavement counselor and chaplain for a hospice in Indiana.  In addition to working full-time as a bereavement counselor, working part-time at a church, I also began to work on obtaining my Masters in Pastoral Theology which I just finished a few short months ago.      

 2. Did Steve lose his wife?

Is the mother of Steve's girls in the picture?



Did Steve suffer a spousal loss? I was wondering how you met, and thought maybe that is what brought you together.

You've hinted at the fact that tragic circumstances led to Steve being single. Was he also widowed? Again, I hope that isn't insensitive or too nosy...  Just curious about Steve's backstory, if that's a possible topic to touch on.

I know there has been many questions as to whether I lost my spouse, or was divorced, or spent some time in the circus as stand-in for the bearded woman during her lunch break (ok, ok, no one has really asked the last one but I figured it was going to come sooner or later…). Before I begin I must tell you that this is one subject that is the hardest for me to talk about or put into words for others to read.  I am divorced.  My ex-wife is still living and gets to spend a little time with the girls each month.  While I know there are probably a ton of questions about my divorce, what happened, and all the curiosities that come along with that – I have to be honest and tell you up-front that for the sake of my daughters, I have been and will continue to be very selective about what I say in reference to my divorce as I know that the things I say and write impact the way my daughters think and feel about their mother. This has not always been an easy stance for me.  On one hand, there is a part of me that would love nothing more than to expose all the truth  - a sort of revenge for the past the girls and I went through - but deep down inside I know that's not really beneficial or the kind of person I am.  On the other hand, there are people who want to know, who feel they have a right to know to "make sure" I divorced for the "right reasons."  (I even had one brazen person call me on our wedding day to warn me I was making a mistake since I had been divorced - as if that person knew anything about what me or my daughters went through) While the thought of vindicating myself and gaining support sounds nice - when I factor in the negative impact that it will have on my daughters, it's just not worth it! I have support from Vee and from those who know the truth and I am comfortable with that.

But, for those who have inquiring minds, here is some information I am willing to share with you…1) I tried for a very long time to make things work – 12 years – and attempted to seek both professional and lay counseling for many years to make our marriage work, but my ex-wife was unwilling to do the same. 2) My ex-wife became very unhealthy in many facets to the point where I felt it was no longer healthy for me or the girls to interact with her on a daily basis.  3) At the time of my divorce I was employed by a church and I worked with the leadership of the church to try and resolve issues, I met with them, listened to them, and allowed them to speak into my life, but together we were unable to resolve the issues that had plagued my marriage. 4) My ex-wife willingly gave up full legal and physical custody of the girls to me at the time of our divorce. 5) Vee and I have the girls with us the majority of the time and we, along with many other people who have known and loved my daughters for many years, agree that’s in the best interest of the girls.

I apologize if this information is too vague for you – but I hope you understand that while I am no longer married to my ex-wife, I never want to do anything that would cause my children to see their mother in a skewed light.

3. I would love to hear Steve's perspective on where he and his daughters’ life were at when he met you.

Honest and transparent – while its not always pretty, this is what you get…. I got married to my ex-wife at a very early age – too early! The kind of early where you don’t understand that people think and feel different than you about important issues in life, relationships, love, honesty, parenting, etc… The kind of early that people might just say exactly what you want to hear in order to make you like them – only to find out later that they are not the person you thought they were, but someone else.  Anyway, I say all of this to state that the divorce was not something that happened over-night, but something that happened many years ago.  I realized within the first week of our marriage that there were going to be issues – not normal, everyday issues, but serious, troubling issues. Issues that I could not fix, counselors could not fix, and I could not continue to deal with and keep my own sanity.  Because of these issues, I was use to taking care of the girls hygiene, homework, etc. by myself, spending the evenings by myself, and going to bed by myself.  For many years I felt like a single dad long before I ever filed any paperwork.  By the time I had filed for divorce, I had long, long since worked through the anger, guilt, and hurt that comes along with a divorce – because I realized that we had not been “married” for a long time! I know it may sound bizarre, but when the divorce finally happened, I walked away without any anger – all that was past me, I walked away relieved and confident that God would take care of me and the girls whatever our future would be.

So, that being said, while I still have some hurts and emotional scars from my previous relationship (which is normal, considering) I felt as though I was in a better place than I had been for years.  As with most children, the girls were hurt by the divorce.  I remember having to sit them down, by myself, and tell them that their mom and I were getting a divorce.  It was hard for them at first, but honestly after a few weeks, they seemed to be adjusted quite well.  They were already used to spending almost every night at home with just me anyway, me being the cook, bather, hair-dresser, etc… so not much changed, other than they knew what to expect from each day, which really seemed to help them.

When Vee entered the picture, it changed all of us!  I was ready for conversation, affection, and a relationship that I never really had.  At the same time, the girls had missed the same thing.  I remember clearly how the girls loved (and still love) to crawl up in Vee’s lap and let her hold them, read to them, do their hair or nails, and just spend quality “girl time” with them that I could never really give them.  Vee understood that this was something the girls really needed and has always gone way out of her way to give the girls her time, attention, and affection.  While every transition has its challenges, ultimately the process of Vee and I dating, getting married, and blending our family has been overwhelmingly positive not just for me, but for my girls as well.