rock bottom

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life" -J.K. Rowling

I read this a week or so ago and it has been swimming in my head ever since. I wanted to write for New Years, but the truth is, I have been too busy and too exhausted for writing lately. I kept thinking about last year...the dread of starting a new year without my husband was so heavy, I was shaking and made myself go to bed before midnight so I didn't literally get sick to my stomach. My prayers were so heartfelt, I thought for sure I wouldn't have to wake up the next day because God would have mercy on me. And now here I stand after surviving the absolute worst year of my life. Where do I go from here?

I guess I can only go up from rock bottom.

Unlike last year, I was ready to ring in a new year. I am ready to recharge and restart. Not without my love - EVER - but carrying him with me to the next phase. I have no idea what that looks like, but I know that God has shown me way too much for me to hold onto the horrible grief with white knuckles like I have been. There are so many pieces to this statement, however. I am in no ways whatsoever done grieving. In fact, I still daily face different facets of grief that continually knock me down and shock me to my core. There may never be a time when I really wrap my head around the fact that Jeremy will never be here again. It still doesn't make sense. The kids are still grieving and I find myself grieving for them as well. It's just down right sucks what we've been through and continually go through as a broken family.

And, staying true to the roller coaster that is grief, I can tell you that every day is different. I do still grieve heavily and have had an emotional week, but I am definitely in a better place. God is pulling me in the right direction, and Jeremy is pushing me from behind. I can feel his presence still, almost daily, and it brings me a lot of peace. I don't know how else to explain it. So, I wanted to start my year of posting on a positive note. It won't always be - but today I thought I'd try.

The week after Christmas, I got to spend some time at Jeremy's grave, by myself, for the first time ever. I had the most incredible conversation with him and found it painful to leave. It always is. But even though I sobbed all the snot out of my head probably, I still drove away with a peace and a sense of Jeremy's protection over me. It was good and painful and necessary. 

After hitting rock bottom this past year, I found level ground to start rebuilding. The truth is, I'm ready to go home and be with Jeremy but I have this feeling that God has something planned for me here. And as long as I'm stuck here, I want to make the most of it. I want to live a life that Jeremy would be proud of. One thing I know he's proud of is the friends he's sent to me in my life, and they are one of the main reasons I've been able to start rebuilding my life. Definitely the biggest reason. They keep me afloat and have shown me so much over the past 14 months.

So maybe this post is going nowhere. Maybe it makes no sense. Maybe it's not happy or positive. But, it's me. And it's where I'm at. I'm still here, still grieving, still blessed. It's a weird spot to stand in and gets very confusing. So I'll just wrap up all this nonsense with some fun pictures of my wonderful friends at New Years:

Happy (belated) New Years. May you go up from here.