The other night, Jeremy met me in my dreams. It was lovely. I finally got to see him again, it's been awhile that I've had a full dream about him - he pops in my dreams here and there, but mostly just to remind me he's still watching over me. This time, he was present, talking to me, sitting with me, and even put his arm around me. I've only had one other dream of Jer where I've been able to touch him, and it was a simple hug...he's always been out of reach to me. This time, sitting next to him on a chair, I curled into his shoulder and he put his arm around me. I remember stopping briefly to listen to his heart beat, even though I knew in the dream he wouldn't be staying.

The dread of knowing he wouldn't come back made me concerned, and I turned to him and asked him what he thought about me dating Steve. (I'm not sure why I asked him this, because I have talked to him SO much about it, and have felt his blessing every step of the way) He smiled at me and in an almost teasing tone and big grin he said "What do I think about it?!" His smile turned warm, his eyes got serious and he said very slowly "Honey, I am sooo happy for you." And then I woke up.

It has taken me two days to type that out. I am sitting here in a puddle of tears just reliving it, and I have been every time I think about it. I woke up with peace, but also with sorrow. It's weird to feel released to let someone else in my heart while loving Jeremy completely still. I didn't think it was possible to have a heart big enough for both. But while I smiled knowing how genuine Jer was in his happiness for me, it was like another realization that he's never coming back. It will never be him again. Bittersweet is a word I always use when describing my life lately, but I can't come up with anything else to better articulate it.

I think about how much Jer has taught me about love. I remember thinking for a split second when I woke up that I wasn't sure I could be that selfless. That somewhere deep down, I wouldn't want to see him love someone else. But when I realize that he sees so much more of the big picture that I can't possibly comprehend, or when I think about him suffering even an ounce of the grief I've faced, I know it's not true. I would feel the same way. I would want him to find as much happiness as possible.

Throughout the course of dreams I've had about Jeremy, I feel like I've watched him grow. I watched him turn into what God intended him to be. He seems wiser, softer, and more peaceful. I know that sounds weird, but I feel it - like I'm seeing him in real time. And I love that he always gives me an opportunity to remind him of how much I love him. It's so significant to me.

I can't wait to really tell him, someday, face to face.

Honey, I hope you can feel how much it meant to me to see you, even for a second. I hold onto those small moments as invaluable treasures that I will never forget. Thank you for bringing me peace and comfort, and for never letting me forget that you're with me every step of the way. I miss you so very much. I love you always and forever.

Please keep voting!!! Only 7 days left, and the race is SO CLOSE! EVERY VOTE COUNTS and it only takes one click! Thank you for all your support!!!


Debbie said...

Beautiful! I have tears.
What a gift!

I too have only had one of those dreams, where I got to touch my husband and and tell him good bye. It was so real and I truely believed it happened.


glenda said...

What a beautiful peaceful dream.
Wishing you, Steve and the kiddos much love, health, happiness, peace and strength!

EVILFLU said...

What a beautiful dream.
I have dreams about my husband sometimes. Most of them make me happy and some are so real I think these past eight years have just been a dream.

Thanks for sharing your story!

BerryMorins Bits & Tips said...

Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us.

Anonymous said...

Sending you peace, hugs and more beautiful dreams.

=) said...

I have been reading your blog for the past 10 minutes. Someone asked me to vote for you on the mothers circle page, I said I couldn't until I'd read your blog, I felt to just click and vote, without making an effort to read, really defeated the purpose of the contest..

Your beautiful words have made me cry & smile at the same time. Some of the feelings you express I can remember myself feeling, in a different kind of way, when my mother passed away. I too dream of her and it too sometimes seems like she's so far away, and the embrace that you finally feel, makes you feel like you are home.

I will vote for you, because you have aroused something inside of me that I haven't felt for a long time, just the simple joy of having gotten to know someone, rather than the emptiness of losing them.

You have inspired me, just reading your front page, to be more honest in my writing, in my own thoughts.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Veronica, I started following your blog on accident... I happened upon it from a friend of a friend. I know you gets comments of praise and inspiration daily... But I just couldn't help but leave a comment just to share my gratitude. You take something so personal, so...deep and choose to share it with the world. As a new mom to a 16 month old, and also a wife I had been having a lot of trouble wrapping my brain around all this new responsibility and pressure; after reading your story and some nights staying up till 2am so I could catch up on your blog I have been enlightened. I was raised Church of Christ and come from a family FULL of preachers and ministers... I was finding it hard to force myself out of bed on Sunday and would always come up with a reason not to go to church. Then, of course, my guilt would settle in for the rest of the week. It's a vicious cycle. When reading your blog I realized that my whole thought process was completely backwards... All I thought about was myself! What could I do today to benefit me?? You are self-sacrificing and put yourself last every single day... You are the kind of person I can only dream of becoming, and I know your husband is smiling down on you and thinking about what a wonderful woman he chose. Because it is true...he chose you! You talk often about what a wonderful, Christian man he is and the legacy that he left behind. I hope you know that his legacy is still be carried out through you... And that you are so worthy of such a man like him even twice in your lifetime. You truly are a "God-send" for me! And reading your story helps me see that even though there is so much sadness and evil in this world; the good that some people possess far out weighs the bad. Truly a woman after God's own heart! You will never know the impact you have had on me, and it is my hope that this comment might provide you at the least an ounce of the compassion, wisdom, and warmth that you have sown me. I am eternally grateful.

Your sister in Christ,


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