To the boy who saved my life

I knew today was coming, but now that it's here, I'm in complete shock.

I can't believe my baby boy is 1 today. Even more, I can't believe what that year actually represents. It means we've survived, it means we're still here. It means Carter is healthy, happy, and beautiful. He didn't just survived, he thrived.

The days of resentment I had for having to raise this guy all alone are long gone. I hate that Carter will never know his daddy and I will never get to share his life with Jer, but I see what a blessing he is to me. I see how he has saved my life. However, it's still emotional for me. Today still hurts. Thinking about last year is very painful, I wish Carter had come into this world in such a different way. But today, what matters, is that we made it.

Happy Birthday, my sweet angel.  We've come a long way.

Oh, honey....how I miss you today. How I wish I could share this day with you, to celebrate the life of our beautiful baby boy. In some ways, I wish you here to celebrate for Carter, to see him, hold him, and feel what happens in your heart when that boy smiles at you and to let him know your presence in his life. But some parts of me wish you could celebrate with me the fact that we survived his entire first year of life without you. I would have never believed it, and just look at him: He's crawling everywhere, he can say 'mama,' 'dada,' 'uh oh,' 'papa,' 'what,' 'sissy,' and can wave, blow kisses, wink, give hugs and sweet slobbery kisses...he's so close to walking. He's got a red-headed temper just like Caleb, and he's got your stubbornness. He's absolutely beautiful and I know you would be smothering him with love today. 


It's hard to think back to this day last year and not tear up...it was literally the scariest day of my life. That moment of panic I experience when the doctors laid me on the table still makes me cry and shake when I think about it. No one should ever have to go through that moment. But I realize what a gift Carter is to me. My gift from you. I may never understand why I had to experience having your child without you, but I can tell you that he has saved my life. He brought me joy when I couldn't find any. He breathed life into me when I had none. He forced me to look outside myself and my own grief in order to protect him and take care of him. And in a way, he allowed more people to see who you were and our story. He doesn't know it, but he has already changed lives. I remember making big plans with you for our little guy, but I know God has something magnificent planned for his life. I see that God created Carter for Him, not for us. I see such purpose in his life. I know you're smiling big today babe....I would give anything to see it.


I miss you always. I love you forever.