The Ripple Effect

I've mention that grief has been lurking around every corner lately. Not super intense, I am just very aware of it and it has made my heart heavy. I think the realization that I am coming up on two years in November is suddenly hitting me.

Just like any other day on this widowed journey, it feels like yesterday and forever ago all at once. I start to hurt when it feels like Jeremy slips through my fingertips each passing day, further away from me. Then I look around at my life and realize how vastly different it looks now than when he died, and how different it would look now if he were still here. That makes him feel far away too.

Just when it feels like forever, or when Jeremy feels far away, I remember all the day-to-day proof that he was just here:

Jeremy's password I still have to put into my phone to update all my apps
The fact that I still have and use his iPhone.
The black shirt in Faith's drawer that she loves to wear cause Daddy picked it out for her. It still fits.
The death certificate I just got back in the mail from the alarm system I cancelled.
A worship set he scribbled down on a piece of paper.
The smell of him that overwhelmed me when I went through his stuff in the basement this week.
The Lady Antebellum CD that he picked out days before he died that was sitting on my desk.
The video game of his that our nephew asked to play when he came to visit.
The pamphlet for the 2nd annual Jeremy King Memorial Pheasant Hunt that will happen at the end of the month.
The gestures, expressions, and smiles of our children.

These are all marks of a great man. Not just a great man, my great man. And not just a distant man who lived long ago, but a guy who was JUST HERE. The marks he left in this world are still visible, still rippling through my life and through the lives of those he touched. The big things are there, no doubt, but what amazes me is all those little things. The details of simple day-to-day life don't just go away when you do, they carry on. They continue through those you care about, through stories, habits, rituals, memories, and love.

Especially love.

Even though it can be painful, I'm in awe watching the ripple effect that Jeremy's life still makes. Not the deep defined ripples anymore, but they're visible; subtle, smooth, and steady. And I've realized that I myself have become a ripple in Jeremy's life and I carry the effect of it everywhere I go, forever.


Me said...

Your blog touches me everytime I read it! I just wanted to say thanks for sharing with us!

Paloma said...

Thank you for sharing your heart and deepest feelings... I wish I had better words to say to you but I know words can't do much... My prayers with you and your family!

Rebekah said...

This is beautiful....

Anonymous said...

Very touching and meaningful to me as I also lost my husband 6 months ago....he was 43 years old and we have a little boy who was 15 months at the time. His death was completely unexpected and this has left me a broken but stronger woman. This month will be tough for me as his birthday is this week and we would have also celebrated our 17th wedding annivesary at the end of he month. A friend of mine who also lost her husband a couple of months ago told me about your blog and I can't express to you how comforting it is to chat with people who truly understand the Pain and challenges of moving on without your love beside you. God bless you always.
Christy B.


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