Dream on

The dream world has always been a funny topic for me.

I dream A LOT. Almost every morning I remember my dreams, usually more than one. They're sometimes crazy weird, sometimes scary, usually in some way incorporates things I've been thinking about throughout the day or weeks. 

Only recently have I discovered that I sometimes mumbled in my sleep (nonsense), giggle when I'm dreaming about something funny, or shake and breath differently when I'm afraid. Jeremy was such a deep sleeper that I don't think he ever noticed if I did these things (although I caught him talking in his sleep a few times, which was always hilarious). Steve, however, is one of the lightest sleepers I know and wakes up every time I move a muscle. He's had to wake me from a few bad dreams - I seem to be having quite a few lately.

Oddly enough, I've been dreaming about Jeremy a lot over the last few weeks. After he died, I dreamt about him often, constantly begging God to let me see him in my dreams. But it was never in the way I wanted. He was distant, never came close enough for me to touch him, but would give me these deep looks of pain and apology that would leave me aching in the morning. Then, gradually over time, my dreams would just come every once in awhile. I don't know why he's been coming back in my dreams so much recently. Perhaps getting past the 2 year mark was a big milestone and I was thinking about him constantly. Perhaps like the rest of my dreams, it's manifesting an understanding I can't work out when I'm awake or in real life. I don't know. 

What I do know is that Jeremy is changing in my dreams.

Has any other widow(er) had this happen? I feel like I always have this sense that no matter what the dream is about or where we are, I can feel him in real time - like he's opening my eyes to something. I've never been hokey about dreams before, but after Jeremy died, I knew there was purpose in me seeing him there. 

At first, he wouldn't come close. He would stay far away and apologize or I would beg and plead for him not to go from a distance.
Then, he finally got in close enough that he put his arm around me once. But the closer he got, the weaker he seemed and I always dreamt of the injuries he endured from the fall after his heart attack, or I would worry about his heart. Or I knew that he wouldn't be staying alive long and I needed to do or say as much as I could before he left.
Then he got closer and intimate enough to hug me and tell me he was so happy for me when I found Steve. And there was no pain, just that beautiful smile of his. What a gut-wretching blessing of a dream that was.
Throughout the changes in my dreams, though, I felt him grow. I felt any anger he ever had gone from him and he always seemed at peace, even if he was sad he couldn't stay with me. He matured somehow in my dreams, like the essence of Jeremy but in the form that God created him to be. It's hard to explain.

Lately, he appears in my dreams like a lot of normal characters in my dreams. He'll be along side me for an adventure, or trying to protect me from something, or won't do anything specific, but I know he's there.

Maybe someone else out there knows more about this area than I do, but I would be interested to know how the widowed community or anyone else for that matter views dreams of their loved ones, or what they think about the evolution of Jeremy in my dreams. Either way, and in no matter what form, he is always a welcome presence that I ache to see in my dreams. I love getting to see his face, and feel him living, even for just a moment and even if it's not real. It feels real. Those are the dreams that if I wake up prematurely, I try desperately to close my eyes and finish, just so I don't have to say goodbye. Just so I can squeeze one more second of time in with him.


Anonymous said...

I am not a widower but just a thought... maybe Jeremy in your dreams is a reflection of your Journey and how when you work things out or come to a next stage things change his role in your dreams with change and also the role grief plays. It hellps your mind and heart work things out on your own pace and it helps you in ways that maybe when your awake you can't see.

shannasummers said...

I love hearing about dreams. My friends and family often call to tell me about their. I use to decode dreams for people. Maybe you can share a few in detail with me one day. I recently dreamed about Jeremy. He was wearing all white, even a white ball cap. I kept asking him why he hadn't been at church lately and I told him I was sorry for his lost... as if he lost a love one. He never said a word. He just smiled. I sincerely miss him :(

harper said...

When my dad died, i OFTEN had dreams of him still being alive. However, even though he was alive, he was still sick. I could tell that he still had cancer but he wasn't dead. He wouldnt say much; just smile. It was sooooo confusing! During my dreams, I really thought he was still alive.
It has been 5 years, now, since he died. Recently, I had a dream of him and it was of him when he was younger-maybe 30 or so. He wasn't sick but he still didn't talk to me. Somehow I was able to understand that I was remembering a picture of him from my childhood.
My mom has told me of only one dream that she had of him. It had a profound impact on me. It was shortly after he died...she dreamed that he called her from heaven and told her he only had a few minutes to talk so he told her that he was ok and that he's busy...helping people. That was a very interesting dream to me!


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