So much of my life has changed since Jeremy died.
I live in a different house, a different city.
I drive different vehicles.
I shop at new stores that weren't around just three years ago.
I have super long hair, which Jeremy has never really seen.
I have some new, amazing friends.
I've lost some friends. Heck, I've been lifted out of some of my own support groups.
I have new family.
I got re-married.
I am a different parent than I used to be.
I've had new experiences that have changed me.
For crying out loud, I have more of Jeremy's children now than I did when he was here!
It's safe to say that things look very different. But what I find so frustrating and yet so odd is how much I hate that he is missing the very things that are only in place because of his death. Experiences that I was only able to have because Jeremy died, I ache for him to see it, to talk to him about it, to celebrate/laugh/cry with him about it. Only, my two worlds will never collide. The irony is not lost on me.
Somewhere, in a land created of 'what-ifs', there's a place where I get to talk to Jeremy about Steve, where I get to see his reaction to a new song that came out, where he smiles and celebrates the milestones in my life I only get to have in light of losing everything. The opportunities that were created out of his loss are the very things I want him to witness. I would never have been able to move to this home if Jer were still alive. And yet, it feels like he's missing here. I would never be able to claim Zada and Reagan as my beautiful daughters if he were alive, but I want so badly for them to know each other, for him to love them like I do.
I try not to venture into the land of 'what-ifs' very often, cause it generally just leaves me exhausted and unsatisfied. But every once in awhile....
....I would just love to see my two worlds collide.