Would I still be your Valentine?

source

Jeremy was never big on Valentine's day.

He didn't hate it. We didn't ban it. He just wasn't overly romantic. He tried to be, and did some very sweet things, but most of the time we were too broke to really do anything anyway. And yet, on this Hallmark holiday celebrating love, it brings those little moments rushing back as if it were a big deal. Cause he was a big deal to me.

Our first Valentine's, while we were still dating, I cut up hundreds of hearts and wrote different reasons why I loved him on each one. Every year after that, I re-used them in different ways, and would add more reasons why I loved him in the mix. I was thinking today that I'm not sure what I would add this year, because he's not evolving or changing anymore, I love him for all the same reasons. He is and forever will be the 31 year old, handsome and strong husband and father in my eyes. But then it also made me realize how much I have evolved and changed since then, and pieces of me that Jeremy will never get to see. And it made me wonder if he would love the girl I am now.

I don't love the way I used to. I'm more careful with it, but I also cherish it so much more. I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I actually enjoy cooking (who would have thought?!), and I know how to maintain a household pretty well on my own. I'm scared of things I didn't used to be scared of, and unafraid of things that used to terrify me. My support system has changed, my friends aren't the same. My priorities have shifted. My dreams and goals have evolved. Would you still love this version of me that has been beaten, broken down, and built back together?

Of course, I know the answer. Even though I'm not the same girl I was before he died, I know that essentially, emerging from grief has forced me to be a better version of myself....probably the version that Jeremy always saw in me. And even though I've grown for the better, I'm still me. I'm still the girl who has to sleep on the left side of the bed, who tries to please people too much, who quotes Friends in my head on a daily basis and then hears his laughter in the back of my head affirming how funny I am. I'm still the girl who wants Faith and Caleb to love the things their daddy loved, who cries at nearly every movie, and who holds onto all the precious and unforgettable quirks that he had. I'm still the girl terrified of fish, loves all things cotton candy, rollercoasters, pink, and slurpees. I'm still the girl that wants to tell our story. I'll always be that girl.

Yes, I am still convinced that no matter how much time separates us, no matter how much change comes between us, I would still be your Valentine.

love and be loved

Saw this today on Facebook and wanted to share:

"Happy Valentine's to all of those who feel like they are missing love, for those who are grieving love, and for those who are still searching for love. May God's unending love for you this day bring you comfort and peace."

I went back and read the Valentine post I wrote last year. Wow. What a completely different place I was in, and my heart was in such turmoil. It brought me back to those emotions and how raw they were...I was so bitter and broken. And again today, I felt a lot of sadness for not being able to share my Valentine's Day with Jeremy. I felt stuck in a place where I am happy to look forward to a future and thankful that I've found another Valentine that I am grateful to celebrate with, and yet feel an ache for the only other Valentine I've ever known. 

I haven't forgotten. But that ache has reminded me that there are so many people who need to feel loved. Not in a mushy, lovey-dovey way, but just knowing that someone cares. That's what this day is really about, right? Today, I am reminded of God's love and mercy towards me in my life over the last 15 months. It has filled me today.

I had a lovely Valentine celebration yesterday with my sweet date. He is very romantic and always treats me like a princess! But really it was just another reminder for me to love with everything I've got. And it has been my prayer, even long before I wanted to accept it, that others would be moved by my story to do the same.

My Valentine surprise yesterday...

Happy Valentines Day. May you love and be loved today.

A day late and a dollar short

I know the title makes you think this is yet another depressing post from me.

Not today. =]

Just wanted to recap my weekend with my perfect Valentine....a day late. And since we're broke, we didn't celebrate (a dollar short). The kids and I did make this sweet card for him:

 Please excuse the photo quality, this was taken from my camera phone.

We had a very low key day. Just like any other Sunday, really. Church, then lunch with friends (our one treat for ourselves and about the only time we go out to eat anymore). Then, cleaned the house in preparation for friends to come over for Rock Band, then some guitar playing and girl talk (those happened separately, btw). 

Also, thank you to everyone for all your prayers this week, not only for myself but for our dear friends as well. I have felt prayer and it's amazing to have this avenue to connect through prayer with amazing women I would never meet otherwise.

My little dude is feeling much better, praise God! And, I think it's finally safe to say......drum roll please.....HE'S OFFICIALLY POTTY TRAINED!!! I don't know which news I'm happier about!

Like Father, like son.

Hope you all had a fantastic Valentine weekend!!! XOXO