Spilling the beans

Okay, so the last two weeks have been absolute MADNESS.

I'm still not even fully 'back' mentally from break, I think cause I'm afraid if I do, reality is going to set in all too quickly.

A lot has happened. Let me give you the highlights:

-Had a great Christmas
-Got to see some wonderful family and spend time together.
-Got sick right as school was ending, still have not recovered. I almost did for a second there last week, but now I'm worse.
-Rang in the new year with some of favorite people (my in-laws). A good time was had by all.

The first of the two weeks was busy, but good. The second week was relaxing, but stressful....and here's why: I quit my part time job as bartender.


It happened while I was out of the country, actually. It's a long story that roots pretty far back but I finally had the courage to quit. I say courage because I've been wanting to quit for about 6 months now and have never been able to do it. I've specifically asked God for signs that it wasn't right for me anymore, and then blatantly ignored them because I was afraid. I was afraid of losing out on money, when we so severely need it right now. Well the circumstances aligned and I was finally able to muster the ability to say "Thanks, but no thanks."

This has been very bitter sweet for me this week. While I'm happy about it and feel a weight lifted because of it, I always feel another weight pushed on me as I realize I won't be able to pay my bills this month. I know I did the right thing. I loved bartending. Loved it. But it wasn't a good fit anymore. The hubs was never too keen on the idea (which I don't blame him - I get hit on every shift), and I didn't like having to put him through that. I loved the people I worked with. It breaks my heart to think that I likely won't see a lot of them much anymore. This was the last 6 years of my life. I loved being a light in a dark place, but the darkness was creeping into my heart, causing discontent and anger. It was subtle, but enough to make me uncomfortable. I know I did the right thing. I just have to keep telling myself that.

So now I have to sit down and take a look at how life is going to work making less money than already barely-enough-to-get-by income. Obviously, the Preschool is good, but it's hardly any pay and what I make is really only supplementing what I'm paying to have the kids taken care of while I work.

I know God has a plan. And I know I worry for nothing, because I'm always taken care of. Somehow, God always provides. But I have been tense and stressed about it all week, crying every other chance I get and I just need some peace about it. And always, prayers. I hate worrying about money, but I also hate being in a harmful environment just to make a buck.

There ya have it. A lot going on. There's more but I can only blog about one stress at a time.

Hope I haven't stressed you out. In all honestly, I'm looking forward to this year and seeing what God has in store for me. I'm ready take it on, it's just harder to walk blindly into something when you don't know where you're going or how you're going to get there.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and a happy new year!

Bartender = Evangelist?

I've now been working @ East Side Marios for five years....crazy how time flies! (though some days it feels like it's been a lot longer). In January of last year, I was asked to move into the bar to be a bartender. I really had to think about the decision, and it's turned out to be an unexpected journey.

People that have known me for years are always shocked when I tell them I'm a bartender. I would have NEVER predicted it, but I was excited to learn something new at work and of course, make more money. Even more surprising, I never thought I'd enjoy it as much as I do, and I've been thinking about it a lot this week...

I remember Josh Graves telling a story @ church about a ministry student who at graduation decided the best thing to do with his education was to become a bartender. People come in aching to be heard, to find comfort, and what better place to bring the Word to the lost? Now, I have to admit that this was not my motivation for working in a bar, I'm certainly not an evangelist, but the thought has crossed my mind many times. It always makes me laugh at how many customers make comments to me about my great attitude and smile....It's not like I'm overly bubbly, I think that people aren't used to that in their everyday lives. Most of them are surrounded by heartache, burdens, stress, overwork, addictions, and sorrow and they don't know what do with a person who is content with their life and enjoys what they do. 

Even though I didn't get into bartending to bring people to God, it's surprised me how many biblical conversations I've had with people that I wouldn't have expected. But much more often, I feel like I've been very subtly presented with people who just needed an ear to listen, a smile, a laugh, someone to talk to. In the process, it has allowed me to learn to be a better listener, which wasn't always my strong suit. I find that many times, the bar crowd is more open and willing to talk about God issues than many church members, and are much less judgmental. That in itself can be a breath of fresh air sometimes. (Not to mention, most days work is the only time during the day I have adult interaction, so I look forward to it).

I still have my bad days where I let the atmosphere sometimes get the best of me, which makes me doubt my decision about being around a lot of that negativity. But overall, I think it's really opened my eyes to the world and it's heartache and given me a better understanding of my place and purpose in this world, and for that I'm thankful. It's also helped me appreciate my own life and realize how NORMAL I actually am! If nothing else, I hope that I've made a positive impact on someone's life. That would make it worth it to me. Plus, the awesome friends that I work with that I wouldn't trade for the world!

One of my favorite regulars (and Steve's BFF), Dave Nash