Q & A: Part 4 - Questions about Grief

The questions about grief are also broken into 2 sections, we'll address the rest next - there were just so many questions to answer!

1. What you would choose if you could go back - to remain a family with Jeremy or to leave things as they are, with the lessons you've learned, or continue enjoying your family with Steve and his girls? Again, I realize this is probably an impossible question to answer.

You’re right; it is an impossible question to answer. I imagine these are the kinds of questions that plague every widow(er) once they find love again – or any sort of happiness after their loved one dies. The truth is, I can’t let myself sit with these kinds of things for very long because I would literally make myself crazy. And since I know it’s not a logical question that I will ever get the chance to answer, I try not to think about it. What I can say is that the woman who married Jeremy and the woman who married Steve are very different – so in some parts of my brain, I convince myself that I could have both.

2. My question is about grief: I just lost my only child, my son Jonathan Paul Daily in March when his apartment caught fire. After a long investigation, it was determined that is was a set of unfortunate incidents that led to him not being able to get out. My heart is so full of grief, I don't have room for any joy right now. I am so sad that this amazing young man is gone - I won't ever get to see him get married or get to be a grandparent :( I wanted to know if you could share any books or scriptures that helped you deal with the sudden loss of Jeremy. I know we have very different situations here - but the journey is the same. I find myself vacillating between anger and fear. Several books have been sent to me (Heaven is for Real was one of them). But I guess I am still searching for something to help me get thru this first hard year.

First of all, I am terribly sorry for the loss of your son’s life. Stories of death never cease to make me ill and ache for people, and continue to leave me speechless. Unfortunately, all of the grief books I read were very specific to spousal loss: Signs of Life, The Year of Magical Thinking, I’m Grieving As Fast As I Can, The Color of Rain – that’s not to say there wouldn’t be elements in those books you couldn’t relate to, but my suggestion would really be to get online and seek some out. That’s what I did. Find blogs, forums, and other books that might have something to say to move you to the next one. I stayed away from scripture right after Jeremy died, because I was too angry at first…but I discovered that what helped wasn’t specific scriptures, but stories of God working through pain and loss in the bible. People would send me different scriptures until slowly, my anger subsided and I was able to cling to some of those scriptures for hope.

3. You’re grieving in such a public way, what made you want to go public about your grief and sadness?

Grieving was never something I intended to do public. I’ve always needed to write to express myself, as well as help me remember life events, and emotion was just pouring out of me and I had to write it out. My blog was already established to keep up with my family and to give my relatives and close friends updates of life – I had no idea the impact it would have. Of course I realized people could read my words (which is why my angriest and most intimate writing was done in a journal) – but I didn’t put much thought into its affect. I just needed to let things out, say my piece, and feel like my grieving, and Jeremy’s life, mattered. As a result, hundreds of people started contacting me thanking me for expressing myself and putting words to their own hurt, or helping them understand a situation they might not have otherwise. Other people who had lost loved ones were referred to my blog as a reference of connection to someone who had been through tragedy. Soon I realized my blog had not just become my outlet of outpour, but also a ministry in which God was using me without my even knowing to bring light and insight on a very tough, intimate, and rarely talked about area of life.

4. Knowing how Jeremy had so many close guy friends who felt he was like a brother, have you felt any "judgment" or "ill feelings" from some of his closest guy friends... meaning- are his closest and dearest guy friends struggling with the fact that they may perceive that you "replaced" him? It's clear to all that you did not replace, but I guess I could see a friend dealing with grief/loss seeing it that way. Just wondering how his guy friends are connecting with you in light of your new path, new family and recent marriage. Do all of Jeremy's old friends still make the same effort around staying connected now that you're in a different stage of your grief?


I can’t lie and say that the transition has been easy for everyone. A lot has changed in a short amount of time, and all of it is confirmation that Jeremy is no longer with us. But I also can’t speak for these men or how they feel about things. I can say that Jeremy had impeccable judgment in character of others, and it shows in the people he cared most about – they are by far some of the best people on earth. I think most of these men understand that I am not replacing Jeremy, even if sometimes it can feel that way. I didn’t expect everyone to feel exactly the way I did, but for the most part, they’ve all reacted with grace and understanding. I can’t really compare ‘efforts’ to stay connected to the time when Jeremy died because that level has changed for everyone in my life, that’s how these things go. But I still talk to all of Jeremy’s friends, and they are all very dear to me, and still some of my closest friends as well. I don’t get to see his friends from Canada much, but I wish I did more. I hope that answers your question.

5. I remember reading a post about not wanting to take your ring off yet, and not knowing when you would be ready. I don't know if you've already written about this, but when did you take it off? And, do you still wear Jeremy's on a necklace?

I took my rings off the day Steve proposed to me. I now wear them around my neck with Jeremy’s ring. The day of the wedding, I wore my rings along with Jeremy’s on my right hand, because it didn’t look right as a necklace with my dress, but I couldn’t bare the thought of it not being close to me. Steve and I had discussed a lot of options about the rings: whether or not to just keep the ones I already had, to somehow combine Jeremy’s with his, or get a new one altogether, and Steve was comfortable with whatever option felt most comfortable for me. I came to the decision that I wanted to keep the rings Jeremy gave me as they are so that one day I could pass them down to Faith. And I didn’t feel right about being married to Steve and wearing a ring from someone else – so I feel at peace keeping them both close to me.

6. Sometimes when people experience the death of a loved one, there's an outpouring of support right away... but after the dust settles, and the funeral is over, the support dwindles.

In your situation, did you have the outpouring of support at the beginning and notice that it tapered off?

 Or was the support consistent all the way along?

Just wondering (based on the kind of support you rec'd from your friends, family, church, neighbors, etc) if a certain amount of support made your journey easier or harder.

In your view- what's the best "action" any of us can take if we ever find ourselves trying to support someone who's grieving?

Honestly, I couldn’t even begin to describe or count for you the different levels of support I received – nor could I imagine anyone receiving more. Support and encouragement literally came from every corner of the world, in every avenue of my life, and from my closest friends to complete strangers! There were times when a room full of people or a constant flow of traffic in and out of the house was a bit much, but overall, the support was so helpful – I wouldn’t have survived by myself. Selfishly, I think that was the only way God was able to keep me from giving up. Of course, there is no way that level of support for someone could continue…people have lives, families, and other people who are in need of help to think about. I would never have expected that support to continue the same way. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard when it does start to taper off, but you just understand it. And it doesn’t mean that people don’t still support me now, it’s just in different ways. 

My advice is that the best “action” you can take to support someone grieving is just that – action. Don’t ask, just do. A grieving person won’t ask for help or even know how to ask – I still don’t know how to do that. Find a need and fill it. If you can’t find one, make one. Send a card, donate, make a meal, clean their house, drop off groceries, pray for them, whatever you can think of. The most meaningful support to me now comes out of things that are in memory of Jeremy, because it means that people haven’t forgotten him. Whether it’s writing me on those tough anniversaries, or planning Jeremy’s birthday dinner, or telling stories to my children about their daddy, or supporting his parents and siblings, or finding a reason to get together in his honor. That kind of support is invaluable to me.

Q & A: Part 3 - Family Questions

Part 3 of our Q & A series is here, and they're all about our family:

1. I was just curious how you have/will approach the idea of the kids calling Steve "dad". Adding a "step parent" to the mix when parents divorce is so much different than when a parent dies. I know you did not get married to Steve to replace your husband or the kids father. If they call Jeremy dad and Steve by his name, will that make Steve feel less connected to them? Or if they choose to call Steve "dad" will you feel like you are breaking the connection between them and Jeremy?

What do Steve's kids call you and what do your kids call him?

What do Steve's daughters call you? What do your children call Steve?

What are the children going to call both of you? Since you both are now step parents will they call you mom and dad or will you be known by something else?

I'm not sure what verbal stage Carter is at, but does he/will he naturally call Steve "Dad"?

Vee: This was a very popular subject – and rightfully so. This has been a very sensitive topic for Steve and I to weed through together. We made sure that the kids knew that they could call us whatever they felt comfortable calling us, there was no pressure to call us ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ if that felt forced or awkward. And since Steve’s girls already knew me as Vee and my kids call Steve by name, it of course is a hard habit to break. But we also knew that eventually down the road, we’d want to blend our family as one and be “mom and dad.” This first involved some grieving on my part. While I am thrilled that my children have such a wonderful man in their life that will be a positive influence, it is really hard to associate someone else as father to them – and another realization that Jeremy is never coming back. But I feel like, at least for Faith and Caleb, the transition is not too difficult: they called Jeremy “daddy” because they were so young, and therefore we say ‘daddy’ for Jeremy and ‘dad’ for Steve. In theory, this gave my heart peace but it is still strange sometimes to actually say it. For Carter, it was much more emotional for me to think about because he understands so little. I know that Steve will be the only dad he knows and Steve loves him like his own, so it’s only appropriate (and heartwarming) for him to call Steve dada – which he now does. But I grieved heavily over the fact that he never got to call Jeremy that. Like so many other things on this journey, it’s bittersweet.

Next is actually implementing this concept. Steve and I started out with just trying it out ourselves by collectively saying things like “kids, say thanks to Dad for making your sandwiches.” Or “Say goodnight to Mom.” After that didn’t feel funny anymore, we started referring to each other as that in front of the kids. It’s just now starting to feel more comfortable in our family. It stills feels weird in the presence of people who knew Jeremy as Dad, I think because I know it’s an area that other people haven’t grieved yet either. But I will never forget the first time Zada called me Mom at Caleb’s t-ball game a few weeks ago. I could tell she was trying it out to see how comfortable it felt. I tried not to react and just answered like I normally would, but I’m pretty sure my heart almost burst open it was so full and I had a smile on from ear to ear that I just couldn’t take off. Right now, they call us both, Mom, Dad, Steve, Vee – it’s crazy and odd, like us – but over time I think it will start to feel more comfortable for everyone.

Steve:  As Vee said, this is a process and one that Vee and I have talked through extensively.  We want the whole family to feel like a family – and that includes the language we use – Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, etc. Vee and I both decided that we did not like the terms “step-mom” or “step-dad” because of the negative connotations that come along with those words, so, as Vee shared, we have slowly used the words “Mom” and “Dad” around the kids.  But we have also been very conscious of using inclusive words such as “ our children” rather than “my girls” or “your kids.”  We want them to know that we love them all equally and treat them all as our children. This new language has been a change for us and so we can only anticipate it will be a change for the kids too – but that is ok! However, in the past week or two we have noticed that the kids are getting more comfortable using the terms “Mom” or “Dad” with us. 

For Father’s Day, Vee and the kids made me special a special craft with all their handprints and wished me a Happy Father’s Day – all but Faith.  She couldn’t say it to me, but she wrote it out on a piece of paper.  It was ok, and I completely understand.  She misses her daddy and even though Faith and I have a really good relationship, this transition is still very new for her.  However, this past week Vee and I took the kids camping and one night, after we went swimming, Faith came up to me and said, “Hey dad, can you help me hang up my swimming suit?” It was as if time froze – my heart nearly beat out of my chest and my eyes welled up with tears.  I couldn’t jump up fast enough to help her, give her a hug, and tell Vee just as soon as I could.  Since then she has called me dad a couple of times, and while I am so grateful that she feels comfortable calling me dad, I am even more grateful to know that she has had two dad’s who love her more than anything!   Although Faith, Caleb, and Carter will, overtime, call me dad – they will always know that they have two dad’s who care about them.  I don’t ever refer to Jeremy as anything but their daddy and I try to give them every opportunity to talk about Jeremy, reflect on their memories of him, and learn more about him through others who knew him on different levels.

2. Do you think that you will have any more children?

I am curious are there going to be any little ones that join your family in the future?

Do you two plan on having a baby together?

Vee: In short, no. I was done having children at 2, haha! I am so grateful for our big funky family, but as of right now, we don’t even have a seat in our van for another person! We don’t have the space or the finances or the sanity to have another child. We both agree that we would love to experience having a baby together to redeem our last pregnancies and go through that as a couple, but we don’t love the idea of having 6 kids. I’ve always wanted to adopt and perhaps someday down the road if we’re in a place where we feel like we could, we haven’t shut that door yet. But right now…I’m pretty tired. J

Steve: WERE PREGNANT!!!!  

3. How is the blending of families going for the kids? Do the kids share rooms?



How are your kids adjusting? Are they sharing rooms and adjusting like other siblings do?

I know what life is like in a blended family ... just curious how it's going for y'all?? I hope it's going well!

Vee: This has been a common question among my friends and people at church lately. My honest response is that our family has come together in a way that only God could bring together. Other than the fact that our girls actually LOOK like they’re related – they also act like it! They bicker and fight sometimes, but they love each other. Faith and Reagan are pretty attached to each other and seem lost without one another any more. It’s so heart warming to watch them love each other and look out for each other and play together. I think the most rewarding thing to watch is how they benefit each other by being together. Most unexpectedly, Zada and Caleb and they way they play. Zada being the oldest, acting like a 40 year old who worries about everything, it’s amazing to see the kid that Caleb brings out in her. I’ve heard her laugh more, get emotional a lot less, and even act tough for Caleb, because she loves that he acts wimpier than she at some things (he pretends to be scared of the vacuum just to play with her). I love the way they talk about their new brothers and sisters – it’s very sweet and just feels right. I know it’s not always easy, but it is always a blessing.

Right now, Zada has her own room because she is the oldest and she is also the most anal about keeping things neat and tidy – unlike Faith and Reagan, who are sharing a pig sty together, and they LOVE it. And the boys are sharing a room….sorta. Both of their beds are in the same room, but Caleb likes to sleep on the floor in Faith and Reagan’s room. They’re all pretty happy with the arrangement, and it feels like it’s always been that way.

Steve: The transition for the kids has been honestly much easier than I had anticipated! There are small squabbles from time to time, and like most siblings we have to remind them to be patient with one another, share, and figure out how to work things out between them all. It has been very interesting to watch them find their new roles in our family.  As Vee shared, Reagan and Faith are almost inseparable – they share a room and enjoy just playing with each other.  Reagan is use to being the youngest and is enjoying her attempts at being an older sibling (although we have to remind her regularly not to be so bossy) while Faith, who was the oldest, is now learning a new role too.  While it’s tricky, Vee and I already see how tight their bond is and feel like not only will they be great sisters, but life-long friends.  Zada, our oldest, floats in between playing with Caleb and loving on Carter.  While Caleb seems to bring out the kid in Zada (which is a good thing because she sometimes acts like 40 year old woman) Carter see’s her as his biggest ally and protection from the other kids. 

To help the transition into “our family” instead of “my family and your family” we have established new rules, incorporated family meetings, and made sure, above all else, that the kids understand that Vee and I are a team and we make all our decisions together.  Vee and I have been very aware that in our new family we need to make sure that we are on the same page and that the kids know that they cant play two sides of the fence. 

While we know that things wont always be easy – we truly feel God’s presence and peace as we have moved our family forward together!     

4. Do your kids still visit Jeremy's family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.)

Vee: Of course! Jeremy’s family is stuck with us – they have loved us without condition and they are and ALWAYS will be family. In fact, we are in Canada now, celebrating Dad's 56th birthday. I try to make it a point to see them once a month, and if that’s not possible, at least every other month. When we travel up to visit Jeremy’s parents or siblings, we also try to see as many other extended family members as possible. But, it’s just as difficult as trying to get together with all of our other family members (my parents and Steve’s parents), so it’s never nearly as much time together as we’d like.

Steve: I am SO glad I get to talk about this subject, mostly because I thought that there might be several questions related to how I got along with Jeremy’s family or how we have navigated these waters, but was surprised to see that there was really only one question about Jeremy’s family and it was on whether or not the kids get to see Jeremy’s family. 

First, let me talk just for a minute about Jeremy’s family.  From day one I have been completely blown-away and humbled by the way that they have taken me in! I can only imagine how incredibly tough it has been for them to lose a son, brother, grandson, nephew, uncle, etc., and would have understood if they remained at an arms distance from “the new guy” who was dating the woman that their son was married to, or marrying the woman that their son was married to, or who was helping raise the children that their son once raised.  Contemplating my first visit to Canada I knew that just my presence alone would be a reminder that Jeremy was no longer there – and to be honest, I felt sick about it!  I knew I needed to go, I wanted to go, but at the same right I almost couldn’t bare the thought of what I would say or how would I act.  I remember battling in my head “Should I hold Vee’s hand when we are there or would they be offended by that?” or “Should I sit by her on the couch or not?  I want them to know I really care for her, but I don’t want to upset them!” But honestly, the moment they greeted me all my anxiety went away.

I will never forget talking with Byron (Jeremy’s dad) on top of a blustery hill as we took the kids sledding on my first trip to Canada. His grace and acceptance of me was something that I hope to imitate to others.  I remember Byron telling me that all he wanted was for Vee to be happy and well taken care of and for the kids to have the same, and he could see that I did those things.

Because I respected Jeremy’s family and knew how important they were to Vee and the kids I wanted to get their blessing before I asked Vee to marry me.  I remember Skyping with Byron and Arlene and talking to them about my love not only for Vee, but also for Faith, Caleb, and Carter as well.  I shared with them that I never wanted to be the replacement for Jeremy but wanted to join their family as my own unique person. I remember wanting to share more with them, but before I could utter out much anything else they were letting me know how much they appreciated me and how they felt grateful that I was in Vee and the kids lives (I know, I was BLOWN-AWAY!).  These weren’t just words though! Arlene and April agreed to be a part of the walk where I would ask Vee to marry me, April, Melanie, and Bethany all stood up with Vee on our wedding day in support of our new journey together, and Byron (along with Brian, Vee’s dad) walked Vee down the aisle to me.

It has been humbling for me for sure.  While I know that my presence is a constant reminder of Jeremy’s death and I know that their grief, just like Vee’s, will be a life-long journey, I am amazed at the way they have extended their hand of love and support to me. 

Although life is busy and I don’t always get to talk to them as much as I would like, I always enjoy texting back and forth with Byron about how he is doing or how his job is going, or getting Facebook messages from Arlene or April asking how I am doing or sending words of encouragement, or joking with Kirk like somehow we have been friends since high school (since that is where our maturity level is at sometimes J).  Needless to say, we are family – it is not a matter of “letting the kids visit Jeremy’s family” they are OUR family and we enjoy each moment that we get to spend with them. 

Next up is Part 4: Grief-related questions

P.S. We are NOT pregnant, but Steve does think he's pretty funny. :)

Do Something

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For a long time now, I've felt God calling me to do something with my story, and with Jeremy's legacy. To somehow help others through what I have been through. However, I had no idea where to start. And more importantly, and most selfishly, I didn't want to. I wasn't ready to let God use me because I was too angry that it had to be at the expense of such a great loss. I wasn't ok with me or my children suffering such heartache in order for other people to benefit or learn something.

I can honestly say that I still sometimes struggle with this battle. But the pull I've felt on my heart to help, to follow the calling I feel like I've been given, has been outweighing my selfishness. The stirring that I have felt has started to bubble over and I've finally felt ready to take a step forward.

Last week, a dear friend and her sister stop by our garage sale to see me. Her sister had just lost her husband weeks before. He died suddenly of a heart condition as well, leaving behind two children and a very distraught wife who wanted to come talk to me. As she hugged me and sobbed on my shoulder, my mind raced searching for something to say - just one thing that someone had told me when Jeremy died that helped in some way that I could offer back. I realized, though, that nothing I could say would make her feel any better. Death sucks, and grieving can never ease with words. Only time. I don't know that she was looking for words of wisdom (and if she was, she definitely wasn't gonna find any from me), but just to be in the presence of someone who 'got it'. Someone who survived. My heart ached for her as I recalled those first few weeks and months after Jeremy died. I still relive those moments every once in awhile like it's still happening. The confusion, the injustice, the anger, the desperation, the defeat...the heartache. I don't know if I helped her in any way, but she's been in my prayers and on my heart ever since.

I realized that even though I'm ill equipped to really move forward, God has really been using my story to help without my knowledge or even my consent for quite sometime now. He let me kick and scream and throw fits (and still does) while continuing to bring beauty from the ashes.

I want people to know that grieving is a dark and terrible part of life that never leaves.
I also want people to know that there is hope and healing.
I want to do more.
Steve and I have been praying that God work through our redemption and relationship to bring a unique perspective to others and somehow use that to help, and bring hope.

I am excited to announce that Steve and I have been asked to host a workshop in San Diego, CA for Camp Widow - a weekend long gathering of widowed people from across the country. Ironically, the workshop is titled "Mad at God: A conversation." Uh, yeah - I have some experience in that department, I'm not ashamed to admit it! I am anxious, excited, nervous, and overall humbled for the opportunity to help in some way.

I can't wait to meet some of the inspirational people that have been integral in my own grief journey. I'm thankful to have Steve by my side to share this passion with me. I hope this is just the beginning of many other opportunities to finally step forward and feel like I'm making Jeremy proud.

Q & A: Part 2 (AGAIN!) - Getting to know Steve

Y'all didn't realize how much there was to know about Steve! Well, here's the rest of our questions:

4. I'd love to know how Steve fell in love with you and how he first knew. You've mentioned that he was Jeremy's friend. I'd love to know more about how he approached you and how he fell for you. :)

I would love to know more about Steve and how you two came to meet and fall in love. Steve's background was very vague so I’m wondering if that has to do with you two getting together and meeting.

Vee and I first met officially back a couple of years ago, but we both agree that we may have met earlier than that but it would have just been in passing.  I had met and known Jeremy several years prior to meeting Vee while he was singing and traveling with Deeper Still at many of the youth functions that I had taken my youth group to when I was a Youth Minister.  Although Jeremy and I were not what I would consider close friends, we had talked on the phone a couple of times about church work, finances, and hunting right up to a few weeks before his death. When Vee and I met officially she and Jeremy had come down to Indiana to visit some of our mutual friends and we all wound up going out to eat together. While Vee and I both wish we could remember a lot more about that day, we both remember how Jeremy and I sat at the end of the table together, laughing and sharing funny and crass stories with each other.

Vee and I have many mutual friends and had hung out together several times over the years both while Jeremy was alive and after his death.  Ever since I met Vee for the first time I appreciated many things about her that are apparent for anyone who comes into contact with her: her love for her husband, her love for her children, her love for God, and her fun-loving personality. 

Because we had so many mutual friends who knew our personalities were so close and we had always enjoyed hanging out with each other, several of our friends saw what a good fit we would be together before we ever started dating. 

When I talked to Vee for the first time about being more than “just friends,” we had a long conversation about how neither one of us was interested in “dating for fun.”  Too much was at risk! We both had children, schedules, lives, and most importantly, we had both been hurt (for different reasons) and didn’t want to waste time in a relationship that really wasn’t going to go anywhere.  I think our first conversation lasted 4 hours where we both laid out a laundry list of our own hurts, fears, and things we couldn’t comprise on.  Over the next week we talked several times a day, sharing deep details and “exploring the possibility” of us together.  I clearly remember the moment where I knew Vee was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  While Vee is super gorgeous and every day I feel very blessed to wake up beside such a physically attractive woman, it was not her outward beauty that made me fall in love with her, but her heart, her honesty, and her openness.  I remember her telling me very intimate hurts and mistakes, things she wanted to change and regrets that she had.  I know it sounds a bit weird to fall in love with someone as they tell you the stuff about their life they are embarrassed by, but for me it made me realize a couple things about Vee: 1) She is as honest a woman as there is! As Vee shared with me I realized that there were no secrets, no hidden spaces, she was not going to cover up the scary parts of her life, but those were going to be as exposed as all of the beautiful pieces of her life.  In her honesty Vee was showing me “all” of her – and that is how I love her the most, I love the past mistakes and broken pieces right along side the creativity, strong and loving nature, and amazing beauty! 2) I could trust her with everything! Vee shared with me hurts that she didn’t have to share with me, things I would have never know had she just kept them to herself, but she didn’t! She showed me in sharing her life with me that I could trust her with everything – and I do! 3) That she cared about me, my fears, and my girls enough to not put up a façade of who she thought I was looking for, but was willing to show me all side of her – and I honestly love them all! 

While I knew within the first two weeks that I wanted to marry Vee, I also knew that it was going to be harder for her to feel the same.  Not only was Vee going to have to search her heart to make sure she was ready for this step after losing Jeremy, but she would have to battle the “mile-markers” in a new relationship that meant that Jeremy would no longer be the person that she was going to be experiencing those things with. She would have to find a peace in her own heart and mind between loving me and loving Jeremy, and she would have to navigate any shame or guilt that may come from family, friends, and strangers who may tell her that her love for Jeremy was insignificant for finding another love in her life.  For anyone who has been widowed – these are huge steps! I realized this and from day one I tried to make sure that Vee understood I did not want to make her sacrifice her past for her future – whether it was with me or anyone else. 

I will let Vee share at a later time how she fell in love with me… but that is how I knew she was the one for me J 

Vee: Since I don’t believe there is another question about how I came to fall in love with Steve, I suppose I’ll answer here. Oddly enough, it didn’t take that long considering, and yet it evolved through what seemed like endless prayer, countless late night conversations with my best friend, and a lot of tears. The first night we sat on the phone together for hours getting to know each other, I hung up and my first thought was…”Well, crap.” It’s true! I couldn’t find anything wrong with him – he was genuine, funny, kind, a wonderful dad (and I already loved his daughters), thoughtful, and really seemed to understand what I was going through. Aside from those things, we were obviously very compatible – in our humor, interests, music tastes, parenting styles, ambitions, etc. I didn’t want to like him, but from the very beginning, I knew God was up to something. Everything seemed to fit together too well, and I was waiting for a shoe to drop. But it never did. And every time I talked to him, I found the hardest pieces of my heart start to soften. 

I was still very careful about it though. I asked God early on to make it very obvious to me if this was not the path He wanted me to take. I will never forget the first time Steve told me he loved me: I could tell he’d been wanting to tell me, but I could also tell that it was bittersweet for him. He shared the guilt he originally felt for falling in love with me and knowing that the only way it could’ve happened was out of Jeremy’s death and how much that hurt him. I remember him telling me that falling in love with me meant that he would do anything to bring Jeremy back for me so I wouldn’t have to hurt. WOW (that’s exactly what I thought, too).  But they weren’t just words from him – I knew he meant them. I remember telling Sarah about it, just aching for someone to share it with. She asked me how I felt about it, and I burst into tears and said “I’m completely in love with him, but I don’t know how to say it!” I knew I had fallen for Steve, but had a really hard time telling him. I knew once I did, I could never go back. It meant facing a really scary world I was unfamiliar with, and also one that would hold judgment, ridicule, and confusion from others who didn’t understand. But again, I feel like I can’t stress this enough – it was God’s timing, not mine. So, while Steve told me he loved me first and I patiently waited for the right moment, it totally bubbled over and spilled out of me! How did I get so lucky to find two incredible, God-fearing men in my life? I really have no idea but I can tell you, I’m so incredibly grateful.

5. I'm dying to know: what is the story with Steve and ice cream cake?

I am dying to know, who doesn’t like ice-cream cake?!  For real!!! Seriously though, when I was growing up my mom had her own business making wedding cakes – which meant that many weeks our house was filled with the smell of warm, delicious cake! So, my love for all kinds of cakes started in my childhood… but ice-cream cakes seems to be just a Canada thing J  The first trip that I made to Canada to visit Jeremy’s family we celebrated Jeremy’s oldest sisters birthday and they had an ice-cream cake.  Every time I have been back to visit our Canadian family since then, we have had ice-cream cake (for various reasons – but I refuse look a gift-horse in the mouth!) so it seems like a bit of tradition now!  We are heading up to Canada this week and, since its Byron’s birthday (Jeremy’s dad), Arlene got a new job (Jeremy’s mom), and I finished my Masters – I think we decided to eat ice-cream cake everyday we are there – or at least that is what I have been replaying over and over again in my head J

6. Does Steve allow you to keep pictures of Jeremy up in common areas of the house? Does he allow you to mourn Jeremy on Jeremy's birthday, death-day, and wedding anniversary you shared with him? Are you allowed to "visit" Jeremy? I ask these because there is this very popular guy online who encourages people who marry widow(er)s to force the widow(er) to extricate the deceased spouse from their life completely, never again speaking of them or visiting the cemetery or anything, and calls grieving people selfish if they want to do these things. If that is what I have to do to find love again, then I can do without it. I will never extricate my deceased husband from my heart. Ever. 

The love and relationship that Vee and Jeremy had was real, valuable, and life changing!  They were both better people because of each other and together they brought three wonderful children in the world!  Jeremy didn’t choose to leave, he did not mistreat Vee or abandon his children, he died.  And just because someone dies does not mean that we no longer love them, or want to talk about them.  It’s not a matter of me “allowing” Vee to put pictures of Jeremy in the house, it’s a part of who she is and who the kids are! In order to fully love her, I have to love her for who she is, not for who I want her to be. Before we were married, Vee had pictures of Jeremy in the bedroom, living room, hallway, etc….since we’ve been married, none of that has changed nor have I asked her to change any of it. However, if I’m being honest, the first night we were home together, I remember looking over at a picture of Jeremy and Veronica and for a moment I felt like I had taken another man’s wife. Since that time, it hasn’t bothered me but I know if it did, it would be something Vee and I could talk openly about. At the same time, I also realize that those feelings don’t stem from Jeremy and Veronica’s relationship, or even from the pictures, but come from my own insecurities and inadequacies. Not only will I never ask Veronica to take any pictures of Jeremy down in the house, but I think it’s good and healthy to leave some up because it gives us an opportunity to talk about Jeremy, his life, and to talk with the kids about their dad.

Very early on, I made sure that Vee knew it was ALWAYS ok to talk about Jeremy, her past with him, times when she missed him the most, and whatever else she wanted to share.  I share this information because I believe that if you are a widow or a widower, you should not EVER have to leave your past behind to move forward with someone else.  If someone that you are dating does not like it that you talk about your late spouse, have pictures of them, or items that remind you of them – then I would suggest that they are not the person you should waste your time with!

Vee: I want to interject here to share my side of this as well as attest to what a great guy Steve really is. It’s true that he doesn’t mind the pictures of Jer in the house or all the other things around that belonged to him. Steve knew that first week we were talking that I would never settle for anything less than someone who didn’t respect my relationship and life I had already built WITH Jeremy – and then BECAUSE of Jeremy. The woman that Steve fell in love with is the woman who was shaped and changed by another man. It’s just a part of our relationship. But I will state that it is not the MAIN part of our relationship. While I’m thankful that Steve has never asked me to take pictures of Jeremy down, I also know that if I didn’t have any pictures of Steve anywhere to be found or in addition to the ones already up, that wouldn’t be fair to Steve, or to his girls. While planning our wedding, we were very intentional about honoring Jeremy, but not having a memorial service – it was a day to celebrate the love and redemption that Steve and I found in each other, and it wouldn’t be fair again to Steve if the whole day was about Jeremy. He was evident in every corner – in the faces of his beautiful family, his wonderful sisters standing beside me, the candle lit, the location, the stories – he was there. He will always be there. And I continue to carry him with me. It’s a hard balance to figure out how to create a future with a man that still is so entangled in a past with another man. I can’t say I’ve mastered it or can even claim we’re doing it right, but I can say that Steve and I work together as a team when we come across any of these issues, and very respectfully work through them together with prayerful consideration.

Since we are a team, Steve is very proactive about honoring Jeremy’s legacy and making sure that our children know what a great man he was. We take things to Jer’s memorial stone for special days – or just when the kids ask. We have picnics there on beautiful days because we like to spend time there. I have taken Steve up to Jeremy’s grave in Canada as well. It was important to both of us. Last year, we started a tradition on Jeremy’s birthday to honor his memory by all getting together and making Jer’s favorite foods and remembering him…this year, Steve participated and even drove through the night to be a part of it, made a dish, and made an effort to show that he was not a replacement for Jeremy, and that he wanted to be a part of remembering him. He talks to Faith and Caleb about their daddy regularly, asking them questions about him, their memories, and praying about him at night. Zada and Reagan have decorated stones for Jeremy and other special items on their own request.

Steve also understands that my grief is on-going and never-ending. I still struggle to understand why Jeremy’s not here. I still battle anger in moments, I still burst into tears for no reason. Not often, and not out of unhappiness of my life now, but because grieving someone who was an integral part of your life never ends. I still love Jeremy as much as I ever have. I still miss him every single day. And if someone wants to claim that as selfishness – then so be it. I don’t mind being selfish in that way and luckily, Steve understands that. He is very patient with me in my grief, loving and understanding – even if that just means I lay in his arms and cry. And sometimes, that’s exactly what I need.

 7. How does Steve feel reading your blog when you talk about missing and loving Jeremy and not being able to wait to be reunited with him in heaven? I know he is a kind, understanding man, but it has to hurt him just a little.

While I know that for many of you, Vee’s blog is your main access to her life, her world and her grief, for me Vee’s blog is a summary of various topics and thoughts and emotions we’ve talked about together since we first started dating. While you read her posts a couple of times a month, I get the opportunity to talk with her on car rides, or bedtime, or as we’re going throughout our daily routine – so there’s nothing in her blogs that surprise me or catch me off-guard or aren’t things that we haven’t already talked about along the way. However I feel like maybe the underlying question is does it ever bother me that Vee loves and misses another man? The honest answer is it’s hard to watch someone to grieve. It’s hard to know that along side every happy moment, you watch them also miss somebody they would love to be there with. Even though it’s hard, it doesn’t change the way I feel about Vee or the way I love her or the way I know that she loves me. While I have a lot of my own insecurities based from my past relationship, because of the way Vee loved and loves Jeremy, because of her loyalty to him, I feel safe in my relationship with Veronica, knowing she can love me the same way.

Vee: Heaven happens to be a sensitive topic for us both, and one that I will attempt to dive into in another post.

Q & A: Part 2 (section A, paragraph 3, line 6) - Getting to know Steve

Here's part 2 of our Q & A series: Getting to know Steve. Once we finished answering all these questions, it totaled 10 pages! So, we're breaking up this section. Half of the questions for you here today, and the rest tomorrow. We don't want to put you to sleep all at once!

1. I'd love to hear Steve's life story :)

Life story… well, I think I will spare you a ton of time and a good nap and cut out a lot of the details that you probably don’t care too much about – but hopefully you will get to know a little more about me and begin to see how God intertwined mine and Vee’s lives to bring about redemption and healing.

I grew up in Anderson, Indiana where I lived until I moved to Rochester Hills after our wedding.  My childhood was pretty normal – it was an all boy home (minus my mom) so we did a TON of sports, camping, hunting, and fishing.  My parents were great examples of love and selflessness and made sure my older brother and I were well plugged in to a good church home.  Although life was all around pretty good, it was flecked with episodes of depression from my dad who had been abused as a child.  Watching him struggle with self-worth made me want to “do something” to help.  It was from this early point in my childhood where I began thinking about spending my career as a counselor helping those who had been through hardships and giving them hope.  In addition, when I was in my early teenage years I developed a love for the Bible and began thinking about a career as a minister when I grew up. 

Unfortunately, as you will probably see from my writing, I was much better at being a class-clown than a top-notch student and consider myself pretty blessed to graduate high school and really had no serious thoughts of going to college.  With no college degree there was little hope of being a counselor or minister, so I spent several years working various jobs: childcare, engineering, janitor, home repossessions, maximum security prison guard, etc… you name it, and I have probably done it once, or twice.  But the truth was, none of these things was what I felt like God had called me to do and I felt like I was missing out! After several years of debating whether or not to go to college, I finally took the plunge and got my undergraduate degree with a double major in Psychology and Social Work in 2003 shortly before the birth of my second daughter, Reagan.

At the same time I began working for a church in Indiana and after I finished my degrees I began working 2 jobs, one as a youth minister and one as a mental health counselor.  While I originally loved my job as a mental health counselor my heart began to grow restless to help people in another setting and it was not too long before I had found myself working as a bereavement counselor and chaplain for a hospice in Indiana.  In addition to working full-time as a bereavement counselor, working part-time at a church, I also began to work on obtaining my Masters in Pastoral Theology which I just finished a few short months ago.      

 2. Did Steve lose his wife?

Is the mother of Steve's girls in the picture?



Did Steve suffer a spousal loss? I was wondering how you met, and thought maybe that is what brought you together.

You've hinted at the fact that tragic circumstances led to Steve being single. Was he also widowed? Again, I hope that isn't insensitive or too nosy...  Just curious about Steve's backstory, if that's a possible topic to touch on.

I know there has been many questions as to whether I lost my spouse, or was divorced, or spent some time in the circus as stand-in for the bearded woman during her lunch break (ok, ok, no one has really asked the last one but I figured it was going to come sooner or later…). Before I begin I must tell you that this is one subject that is the hardest for me to talk about or put into words for others to read.  I am divorced.  My ex-wife is still living and gets to spend a little time with the girls each month.  While I know there are probably a ton of questions about my divorce, what happened, and all the curiosities that come along with that – I have to be honest and tell you up-front that for the sake of my daughters, I have been and will continue to be very selective about what I say in reference to my divorce as I know that the things I say and write impact the way my daughters think and feel about their mother. This has not always been an easy stance for me.  On one hand, there is a part of me that would love nothing more than to expose all the truth  - a sort of revenge for the past the girls and I went through - but deep down inside I know that's not really beneficial or the kind of person I am.  On the other hand, there are people who want to know, who feel they have a right to know to "make sure" I divorced for the "right reasons."  (I even had one brazen person call me on our wedding day to warn me I was making a mistake since I had been divorced - as if that person knew anything about what me or my daughters went through) While the thought of vindicating myself and gaining support sounds nice - when I factor in the negative impact that it will have on my daughters, it's just not worth it! I have support from Vee and from those who know the truth and I am comfortable with that.

But, for those who have inquiring minds, here is some information I am willing to share with you…1) I tried for a very long time to make things work – 12 years – and attempted to seek both professional and lay counseling for many years to make our marriage work, but my ex-wife was unwilling to do the same. 2) My ex-wife became very unhealthy in many facets to the point where I felt it was no longer healthy for me or the girls to interact with her on a daily basis.  3) At the time of my divorce I was employed by a church and I worked with the leadership of the church to try and resolve issues, I met with them, listened to them, and allowed them to speak into my life, but together we were unable to resolve the issues that had plagued my marriage. 4) My ex-wife willingly gave up full legal and physical custody of the girls to me at the time of our divorce. 5) Vee and I have the girls with us the majority of the time and we, along with many other people who have known and loved my daughters for many years, agree that’s in the best interest of the girls.

I apologize if this information is too vague for you – but I hope you understand that while I am no longer married to my ex-wife, I never want to do anything that would cause my children to see their mother in a skewed light.

3. I would love to hear Steve's perspective on where he and his daughters’ life were at when he met you.

Honest and transparent – while its not always pretty, this is what you get…. I got married to my ex-wife at a very early age – too early! The kind of early where you don’t understand that people think and feel different than you about important issues in life, relationships, love, honesty, parenting, etc… The kind of early that people might just say exactly what you want to hear in order to make you like them – only to find out later that they are not the person you thought they were, but someone else.  Anyway, I say all of this to state that the divorce was not something that happened over-night, but something that happened many years ago.  I realized within the first week of our marriage that there were going to be issues – not normal, everyday issues, but serious, troubling issues. Issues that I could not fix, counselors could not fix, and I could not continue to deal with and keep my own sanity.  Because of these issues, I was use to taking care of the girls hygiene, homework, etc. by myself, spending the evenings by myself, and going to bed by myself.  For many years I felt like a single dad long before I ever filed any paperwork.  By the time I had filed for divorce, I had long, long since worked through the anger, guilt, and hurt that comes along with a divorce – because I realized that we had not been “married” for a long time! I know it may sound bizarre, but when the divorce finally happened, I walked away without any anger – all that was past me, I walked away relieved and confident that God would take care of me and the girls whatever our future would be.

So, that being said, while I still have some hurts and emotional scars from my previous relationship (which is normal, considering) I felt as though I was in a better place than I had been for years.  As with most children, the girls were hurt by the divorce.  I remember having to sit them down, by myself, and tell them that their mom and I were getting a divorce.  It was hard for them at first, but honestly after a few weeks, they seemed to be adjusted quite well.  They were already used to spending almost every night at home with just me anyway, me being the cook, bather, hair-dresser, etc… so not much changed, other than they knew what to expect from each day, which really seemed to help them.

When Vee entered the picture, it changed all of us!  I was ready for conversation, affection, and a relationship that I never really had.  At the same time, the girls had missed the same thing.  I remember clearly how the girls loved (and still love) to crawl up in Vee’s lap and let her hold them, read to them, do their hair or nails, and just spend quality “girl time” with them that I could never really give them.  Vee understood that this was something the girls really needed and has always gone way out of her way to give the girls her time, attention, and affection.  While every transition has its challenges, ultimately the process of Vee and I dating, getting married, and blending our family has been overwhelmingly positive not just for me, but for my girls as well.