11.24.2010

Keepin' on

To the love of my life,

It's been two weeks now since I've seen your face. Two weeks since I kissed you, watched you hold our babies, told you I loved you. And I still can't believe it to be true. I can't believe I'm never going to see you walk through the door again. I can't fathom never laying in your arms again. I can't believe you'll never tuck your children into bed again. I can't believe you'll never meet your son. This can't be happening.

Baby, my heart is shattered. Never in a million years did I ever imagine walking through this life without you. I feel cheated. There are so many things we still have to do, so many places to go, so many dreams to achieve together. I don't want to share these things with anyone else. I don't want to go on without you. Even though I know God is there and did not cause this to happen, I can't figure out why He didn't prevent this from happening. We still need you. I still need you.

The last two weeks have been an absolute blur. Your funeral was the most incredible thing I've ever witnessed. You touched so many lives, and I am in awe of the man that you became, especially over the last year. It was a true testimony of your heart, and I know you would have been proud. Your funeral is Canada was just perfect for the other part of your heart, and where you will forever lay to rest. I know that's what you wanted. It seemed ironically fitting to burry you on Opening Day of hunting season, your favorite day of the year.

Speaking of irony, I can't help but feel your presence around everywhere. I used to think it was crazy when people talked about things like that, but I know you're there. I can hear your voice in my head. I can feel you watching over me, protecting our children. It's comforting to know you're there, and yet makes me ache to not be able to reach out and touch you, hold you, or talk back to you.

If there is one good thing out of all this I can say, it's that I have been surrounded by love every step of the way. I can feel your petition of protection over me. Since two weeks ago, everyone imaginable has stepped in to help and remind me to keep breathing. I know you're trying to tie up all the loose ends that you left and get things done that you wanted to do in your life. You're taking care of me through my incredible friends and church family. Your number one concern was always providing for your family, and you're still doing it. People I've never met before are praying and donating. Fixing my car and our home. Coming over and bringing joy to the kids when I have none to offer. I've even noticed you mending relationships that have hurt me in the past, or worried you. I'm humbled to see how many lives you touched. You always had a great judge of character, and that shows in the people you chose to surround yourself with, they are some of the most amazing people I know. I don't know where I'd be right now without them. But even with all these people surrounding me and doing things for me, it doesn't feel right without you there. Someone came and fixed our screen door the other day, and it made me so mad that you weren't going to be around to see it or appreciate it.

Every time I feel a moment of strength, like maybe I can take the next step, something reminds me of what I'll never have and my chest starts to burn, my eyes well up. Each morning there are those few moments as I wake up and realize my reality, I can feel my heart rate rise as I come to terms with what I have to wake up to: Emptiness. Loneliness. I've lost my purpose. I feel guilty for laughing, or even smiling. I look at our beautiful babies and it physically hurts to know I can never give them all the things you provided. To know they won't have you around for their sporting events, to take Caleb and Carter hunting and fishing, to walk your daughter down the isle someday....oh God, baby. This is so hard. We've prayed for you every night, asking you to be our angel and watch over us. I give them a kiss from you every night, and promise them that I will never let them forget you. But they're so young. Faith told me yesterday she missed your tickly beard, and I lost it. What happens on the day she can't remember what it feels like? When they forget what you smell like? What your voice sounds like? They're so young and innocent, they don't deserve to grow up without you. The best thing about becoming a mother was watching you become a daddy, and it kills me that I won't get to witness that again.

I still feel like I'm watching all this happen to someone else. Not me. When I realize it is me, it's too much to bear. I just wish I could make sense of it all. I wish I knew why. I walk around feeling numb, not knowing what to do next. I think about the box of letters I gave you on our wedding day, each one to be opened on different milestone anniversaries.  I'll never get to celebrate them with you. I even wrote you a letter to open if I ever died before you. I wish you had one for me, just so I could have some source of strength right now. I think about all the vacations we'll never take. The grandchildren you'll never hold. I think about the letters I have from you, from when we dated and random days since then. I'd never experienced true unconditional love until I met you. No one has ever loved me as much as you did. And I fear no one ever will. No one could ever replace you.

I've never in my life experienced a paralyzing pain like this. I have to put up a wall to get through the day. Over the weekend, I sang at the rally you and I were supposed to do together. I knew you'd want me to go, and I promised you I'd get through it, but it was hard. I couldn't think about the words I was singing, about how great and wonderful God is, because frankly right now, I don't feel them. But I know you did, and I know others need to. It was good to be with friends, but it hurt. It was healing and hindering for me at the same time. But I know you were blessing people over the weekend, and that's why I got through it. It just didn't feel right without you there.

I don't know when I'll stop crying myself to sleep. Right now, it seems like never. I don't know when I'll stop thinking about you every second, or picturing you falling from your tree stand. I don't know when I'll stop waiting for you to wrap your arm around me and put your hand on my belly to feel Carter kick. I don't know when I'll stop picking up the phone to text you something funny or ask you a question. I don't know when I'll stop thinking about your family and the pain they're suffering as well. And Mark and Jon and the horrific experience they've had to go through, finding you. I don't know when I'll stop staring at your side of the bed, aching, praying that if I close my eyes hard enough and ask God enough, you'll appear when I open them.

This pain may never go away, but I know you would hate to see me like this. You couldn't stand to see me cry. I know you want me to keep my head up and put another foot forward. Everyone keeps telling me it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I wholeheartedly agree with that, even though it hurts to think about. The loss part is much harder than I could have ever imagined, but I wouldn't trade the last 8 years of my life for anything. And so, for you, I will keep on keepin' on. And for our children because if it weren't for them, I'd be curled up in a corner somewhere. They're the only reason I wake up right now.

Please watch over me, my love. I don't know where I'd be without you, and now I don't know where I'm going without you. I'm scared to death and I really need your guidance. Help me find the peace that passes understanding. I can't believe I'm gonna have to do this without you, but I guess that's what comes next, right? And for you, baby, here goes nothin...

I love you forever and always.

50 comments:

Daniel Dixon said...

Veronica...it's Daniel Dixon. I just wanted you to know how much I admire and respect you. I know you have read many a note like this in the last few weeks, but my heart just aches for you. You are one special person and I couldn't be more proud to know you. Keep the faith, even though it's really hard. I love you!

Daniel Dixon said...

Veronica...it's Daniel Dixon. I just wanted you to know how much I admire and respect you. I know you have read many a note like this in the last few weeks, but my heart just aches for you. You are one special person and I couldn't be more proud to know you. Keep the faith, even though it's really hard. I love you!

Emily said...

You don't know me, but I found your blog through another blog. I don't know what to say, there are no words. I wanted you to know that people you have never and will never meet are praying for you. I can only wish for you that you will find the strength to carry on, although that seems impossible right now. Take it one moment at a time. My heart is broken for you; I am so very sorry for what you have lost.

~Amber~ said...

I am sitting here with tears, unable to form words....

~Amber~ said...

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Please know thar loads of people you don't even know are lifting you up in prayer. I cant imagine what you are going through. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

Nicole said...

I can't hardly breathe when I read your words. I'm still praying for you Vee, and for the kids.

Allyson & Jere said...

OK, I clearly will not be allowed to read any of your entries first thing in the morning. Too many tears to even see straight.

It is amazing to me you can be so eloquent even in SO MUCH PAIN!

But, all I could think as I read this "letter" was how grateful you'll be SOMEDAY that you did write it. Because just like everything in life, memories fade, feelings dull with age. Eventaully, who knows when, but eventually you WILL feel "better" (whatever that is) and this sharp sharp pain will have subsided. And you will be able to go back and read this and remember who you were, what you felt and the incredible strength you showed just getting up each morning.

You are amazing, and clearly loved.

Much love and respect,
Allyson

singedwingangel said...

Jen from the Daisy Approach directed me to you and I saw the last posts and found myself without words. Even now I struggle through tears to say something, cause I know nothing I say can be enough. I close my eyes and Thank God that he has put so many people around you in this time to support you and hold you up. Continually praying for you and your family. May the peace of God bring you the comfort you so deserve in this moment of time.

Jackie said...

Words cannot express how sad I am for you. Hang in there...praying for you still.

Mandy said...

I keep typing and erasing over and over again. I guess there is no "right" thing to say in a response to your post, maybe you aren't even looking at the comments... but I just wanted to say, that since reading here of your loss, I have been thinking of and praying for you each and every day.

Amanda said...

Hey Vee....

I just wanted to thank you for opening up your heart to us. I am praying for you forever and always!

Loves.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Vee, just wanted to let you know that I've thought about you almost every day since the accident. I know tomorrow will be tough but know that many people are thinking and praying for your family. *Hugs*

Losing Brownies said...

I wish you peace and courage, Vee.

Kristin said...

I cannot even begin to understand what you are going through, but by your touching words, your husband is surely looking down on you and your family and continuing to carry you through this difficult time.

Annie said...

i have only recently started following your blog. this post just breaks my heart in half. i don't know you at all but i'm crying. my heart hurts for you and your children and unborn baby. i will be praying for you all. stay as strong and positive as you can in the situation you have been placed in. i can't imagine your pain and hurt. you have your babies to live for, you are here for them.

Christina said...

Well I knew I shouldn't have read this just after I put on makeup :)

Veronica, Libby and I have been talking about you and praying for you a lot..... we keep trying to even imagine how you might feel and it's too hard and too painful.

I have actually had some of these same thoughts.... Just like I understand that God didn't cause this but why didn't He prevent it. I hear you. I thought that.

I'm so sorry and I wish I could make him come back. I've wished it a lot.

You will get through this and Jeremy will watch over you. I know it.

Keep breathing....

Jessie's Girls said...

What a beautiful, but heartbreaking note Veronica. Its hard to even say anything to what you've written.
I'm so glad you are being taken care of, as much as is possible.
Still praying for you, along with so many others.

Kolein said...

Vee,

I am still carrying you in my heart. Every single day. I think about you and pray for you and your children.

Love,
~Kolein

Anonymous said...

I don't know how long you will feel like this... But I do know you won't always feel like this.
I promise.

A fellow widow

The Lazdinsh Family. said...

Vee, I am so sorry for all the pain your going though. My eyes welled up with tears while reading this. I pray that one day you find peace again even tho I know it's hard...I hope you find peace knowing that Earth was made a better place because of your husband and that when he entered the gates of heaven God said "Well done my good and faithful servant".

The Lazdinsh Family. said...

Vee, I am so sorry for all the pain your going though. My eyes welled up with tears while reading this. I pray that one day you find peace again even tho I know it's hard...I hope you find peace knowing that Earth was made a better place because of your husband and that when he entered the gates of heaven God said "Well done my good and faithful servant".

Anonymous said...

Dear Vee,
You do not know me. I found your blog about a year a go from lucy's life and Caley's. I met Jeremy a little over two years a go at the Great Lakes youth rally in Beamsville. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I will continue to pray for you and your young ones. You are a true inspiration.

Sarah Hannon

LittlePaintedPolkaDots said...

I have no words...just prayers. I pray for you and your babies every day.

Megan D said...

Vee, We have never met but I am a student at Rochester College. I learned about your husband's tragic accident at school and have thought about and prayed for you and your family ever since. I've recently began follow your blog and have to tell you how truly moving and inspiring how strong you truly are even without realizing it. I cannot imagine the pain you are living with and can only pray that peace will find you one day. If there is ever anything you need, I am available to be helpful. I am so sorry for your loss.

Megan D said...

Vee, We have never met but I am a student at Rochester College. I learned about your husband's tragic accident at school and have thought about and prayed for you and your family ever since. I've recently began follow your blog and have to tell you how truly moving and inspiring how strong you truly are even without realizing it. I cannot imagine the pain you are living with and can only pray that peace will find you one day. If there is ever anything you need, I am available to be helpful. I am so sorry for your loss.

Gemini-Girl said...

Sending you much love from across the world. I am so so sorry for your loss. Nothing will ever truly be right again. But remember that you have a beautiful growing baby in that belly of yours. Your husband is watching over him and all of you right now and always.

Know that there are people around the world who are praying for your family.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea who you are but your story about your husband brought me to tears...you have a heart of gold and it shows through your writing. Your husband sounds like he was an amazing person. Be stong and push on. My thoughts and prayers go out to you on this Thanksgiving...I hope that peace will find a way to you. Many blessings to you and yours.

Rona's Home Page said...

Losing one's spouse can be so hard to articulate but you definitely did.
I cried as I read your post. It reminded me of a good friend's loss of her husband. The loss is so deep.
Please know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

tiffany said...

You are amazingly strong Vee. Your babies will remember and know their Dad. He'll live through you and always be their hero.

I hate that you are walking through this. You are right though, you're not alone. Jeremy is there, I believe it with all my heart.

Lots of thoughts, prayers, and tears for you!

Karen Peterson said...

I was just catching up on blog posts and read this. I am so shocked and heartbroken for you. I can't imagine what you're going through because I haven't been there, but I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

Friends nearby said...

Veronica,
I'm sure Jeremy is with you and he is very proud of his amazing queen.

You and your beautiful children are imprinted deep in our hearts. Please know that we will be there for you as well.

Stay strong and keep on keepin on.

Sheri said...

I am just some random person who came across your blog but want you to know that I am praying for you and so so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Veronica,
You have endured so much these past few weeks. This post brought me to tears, and I just wept while reading it. My heart just breaks for you.I think of you and your children at least five times a day! I'm praying for you girl.
Just know that through the love of those around you, that you do or don't know, and the strength of God you will get through this. Just remember the Footprints Poem
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering,when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
God is watching over you and your family.He will carry you through this pain and suffering.
Love and prayers~
Amanda

Brooke said...

You don't know me - I found your blog through another. My heart goes out to you, and this was a heartbreaking post. I've thought of you often since reading of your husband's passing, and I glad that friends and your church community are surrounding you with love and compassion. I'm so sorry for you loss. Keep breathing, keep stepping forward.

Tammy said...

Hey Vee
I found your blog through another blog. I am so so sorry to hear about your husband. I can't even beging to understand or image what you are going through but I just wanted you to know that I am praying that God will help you through this. I will be praying for you kids and your new baby on the way too.

The Ramblings of a Thirtysomething Wife said...

I came across your blog through another last week. I read your story and it broke my heart. I also figured out you are also living in Michigan, like me.

On my way to work this morning, I was listening to the Mojo in the Morning show and they were doing one of their Breaking and Entering stories they do throughout each holiday season. I heard your friend Sara read her letter and I had tears streaming down my face. After hearing the names and the details of your husband's death, I started to wonder if you two were the same people I'd read about just last week. As soon as I came into work, I figured out that it was.

Even though this wonderful and totally awesome moment for you and your family will only help to ease the pain only a fraction, I am so happy that it happened to you. What you are going through, and what you will continue to go through, is nothing I can even imagine. I hope you and your kids were able to smile for a little while today and will enjoy this joyful moment. I don't know you, but I'm a wife also. I can try to put myself in your shoes and only begin to imagine how you must be feeling. You are already stronger then I have ever had to be and I hope you keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other. We can only hope that the days and nights get easier. You are in my thoughts.

Courtney

Anonymous said...

Veronica
I lost my husband in October from a tree stand accident. He too, was an amazing man and husband. You articulated the feelings I haven't been able to express.
People say they admire us for being so strong. They have no idea. I go on out of respect for my husband who loved life dearly.
One second at a time. That's what we do.
My thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

There are no words to say. They have all been said. God said HE would never leave us or forsake us. I know sometimes it feels like we are alone and have to do this alone but I know God will walk with you through this. No one can tell you how to feel, no one can tell you it will be okay, all they can say is that you are loved with an unending love and cherished far above rubies. Stay pressing forward and hide under the shadow of the Almighty. Allow God to carry you so you won't walk alone. Blessings and prayers always.

Kim said...

Vee, you dont know me but my sister is Allison Hughes and I'm friends with Mindy Corder. I'm so blown away by everything that has happened. I think of you every day and wish that I had known Jeremy, he sounds amazing. Know that we are praying for you and you are in our thoughts every day. I just listened to the podcast from the radio show today, and just read this blog entry in it's entirety and I've spent the last half hour crying. Please keep writing, it helps, and know we are praying for you.

Laura G said...

Hello, you don't know me, but I came across your blog through another that I follow. I just wanted to let you know you were in my thoughts and prayers.

Rebekah said...

Just wanted you to know I'm here reading, praying, crying. I'm also holding my Ben a bit closer, tonight...

Just me said...

My heart is absolutely breaking for you. This post is so raw but so beautiful - thank you for your honesty, I'm sure you'll touch many people with your openness. Lots of love xxx

ImAaliyahMo said...

Hi Vee! I am so sorry for everything you're going through. I have cried and prayed for you. Just know that you're not alone. I will keep you in my thoughts. Much love =)

Debra Masters said...

I cannot fathom what you are going through!!! I read your letter to the love of your life and sat here sobbing. I love the idea of the letters you wrote for the milestones and hope that you keep them and read them aloud to Jeremy on the appropriate days...possibly with the children there. I am standing with you and sending support and energy and keeping you in my prayers here in Spokane, WA.

Debra Masters

Magnus said...

Always remember that there are people out there who think of you and care for you.

marionschmid said...

Hi Vee,

can't look through my eyes any more... I try to imagine how you must be feeling, but I just can't...

I can only wish you that you manage to get out of bed one day at a time, keep Jeremy's scent in your nose, be able to just be with your children and have further help around, to keep you breathing.

I hold you in my thoughts.

Big hug from Belgium,

Marion

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog, and read your story. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, but my heart is broken for you. I will pray for you and your family, that you find some comfort in this terrible time.
Reading your story makes me take a second look at everything I have, and it makes me appreciate the people in my life that much more. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I am inspired by your strength, and I am sure your husband is looking down on your with pride.

Anonymous said...

Vee,
You don't know me, I found you through Pennies on a Plate. Reading this post, my heart is broken for you. I've experienced loss many times in my life, and I wanted to tell you, first and foremost, you are an amazing woman. The strength of your character, your heart, your voice are strong and beautiful and clearly evident. Your worries about your children forgetting even the small details of your wonderful husband are for nothing. I lost my father very young and the scent of his cologne (Polo) still rocks me to my core more than 15 years later. Now there is joy twined into the loss.
I am praying for you at this very moment. There are no words, no explanation that eases the pain. Your pain is heard, and I can find no pity for you in me, you're far too solid and strong for that, but sympathy, empathy and as many prayers as I can form are yours.
Your love for your children is vibrant and beautiful.
When you're hurting (all the time I'm sure) or scared or feel alone, please, please remember that there are people from all over who are pleading the case for a bit of peace and a moment to breathe for you with God.
I'm so sorry that my prayers and love and hope are all I can offer you.
-Hannah
(Fay. NC)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. My heart breaks for your loss, and I am praying for you

tia layne said...

this broke my heart. it made me cry, and cry... i can't even imagine what you went through and still going through. your love for him is soo strong and you show that well throughout your blog. also, your a great mother. you've been so strong for your kids, and i really look up to that.

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