I have been wrestling these words on a daily basis for a few weeks now. It's been an extremely hard day for me today and these words keeping knocking. I really don't want to answer.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

These have been the daily prayers of Jeremy, me, and the kids since I can remember. 'You hear each spoken need' - that's like a kick in the stomach, because it makes me feel like God thought I didn't need Jeremy. I still need him. 

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

These are the words that have haunted me in my sleep. One of the faith issues I've been having with myself is realizing how much closer I feel to God now. Not close like buddy-buddy or to say I'm now so spiritual. I'm still angry and have a hard time wanting to get on board with God some days, but in my despair, I've called out to Him more times than ever before in my life. I never used to talk to God this much when I
did believe what I was preaching. Now suddenly, when I want to throw everything out the window, God finds this way of seeping in, of keeping me at arms length just waiting to wrap His arms back around me when I'm ready. 'What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near.' It just hurts to even think it.

"What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise." What could God have possibly saved me from by allowing me to lose my husband at 31?!?!? I want to scream this at God, but truth be told, I'm afraid He'll answer. With the blinders I have on, I can't possibly see anything worse than losing the love of my life so young, while carrying his third child. I don't want to think that it was God's mercy in disguise.

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

Ah, this is where it lies: "We know the pain reminds this heart that this is not our home." If it was, I'd have left it awhile ago. For the first time in my entire life, I don't feel at home here. I don't feel like I want to stay. I'm ready to be home. Perhaps it's dowsed in the yearning to be with Jeremy, but it's the pull to hold on to everything I know to be true, even though it just doesn't make any sense right now.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

God, please hear my prayer. I am not ready for these words in my heart yet. They sting and seem to suck the validity out of the pain I feel. But they keep knocking and knocking and knocking. And every time I try to walk away from it, I still hear the tapping. I want to hold on to my selfishness, that says I'm the only one who matters in this dark time. Open my eyes to appreciate the blessings that have come through raindrops. Let my heart accept the good that has come with this bad. Right now, I just don't want any of the good - I want my old life back. I want my love back. The future is much too scary to look into, help me take it one day at a time. And Lord, if this awful pain is a mercy in disguise, keep it from me. Make me unaware of anything more painful than what I feel today.


Tiffany said...

Your post just breaks my heart. I haven't lost a husband, but I have lost someone very close to me, and I remember being ready to punch the next person in the face that said something along the lines of "God will use this for good" or "Things happen for a reason." Although I knew that was true, I just was not yet ready to hear it. When you are ready, the words may be comforting to you, but until then, that is okay. I really believe that God can take our anger. I'll continue to pray for you and your family!


The Domestic Engineer said...

I think that no matter what your situation is, you can learn something from this. Won't it be great to sit with Christ one day and get all of the answers that we so desperately want at times? Thanks for sharing.

Delaney said...

you are such an encouragement! I feel like I could never have the strength that you do! I know it is all through Christ...

Just so amazed when I read your blog!

Danielle_Wright said...

I needed these words today. I am blessed to have met you at gcg and to have found your blog in a time when I feel like I do an have lost someone close to me. I am sorry that it is through your loss that God is speaking to me. I would give back all the words He has said to me through you, if it could end your pain...

Brooke Simmons said...

This is just beautiful...I love this prayer/poem and relate so much to your questions and doubts. thank you for reminding me through this that I don't have to have all the answers. I just have to have faith.

Vicki said...

Love you, friend. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful song and how its touching you right now. So blessed by you.

Michele Neff Hernandez said...

Vee, I have been checking in on you every week, praying for you, and holding you up in the way someone who does not know you, but does know this pain can. When I saw your post today I thought I knew the song because the font page of the video is the same, as the one I am sharing here. This song just says that every single moment of your honesty with God matters, and does bring you closer in a way that is indescribable. Hold on Vee, and know that you are not alone.


Rebekah said...

Last Thursday, on my way into work, I allowed this song to minister to deep parts of my heart that have healed, but like to show their scars every once in awhile. About half way through the song, your face flashed in my mind.

As soon as I got to work I started to write you an email with Laura's lyrics, but quickly erased it.

In my darkest days, such words could only be prodded by the holy spirit. Had they come any other way I would not have received them well.

As painful and raw as your heart still is, it takes incredible maturity to recognize where you're at, right now, and where you know you're going.

God would so much rather have us pounding his chest for answers and screaming uncertainties out loud, than to turn and walk the other way.

I will never believe that it was God's will for you to lose your love and process such heartache, but he WILL refine you in this process. He will turn your mourning into dancing.

He gives crowns to the faithful, Vee. And even in the blackest of times, you are one shining light of faithfulness.

Your words are raw and real and they're changing lives. One post at a time.

I think you're simply, magnificent.

Melissa said...

A dear friend once told me, "God has dragged me kicking and screaming to every blessing He ever gave me". Not to say that what has happened to you is a blessing...far, far from it. But rather, perhaps there is a blessing that might be buried underneath all the pain and suffering. I pray that God reveals that blessing to you.

Anonymous said...

I feel as though Jeremy is quite lucky to have been "taken away by God". I feel God wanted him home with him....through your blog it sounds as though Jeremy was a wonderful husband and a true follower of Christ. And before anything destroyed that God wanted him home with Him. Selfish? Maybe. Live saving? Absolutely. You and Jeremy's marriage is a wonderful example of how every marriage should be and I am finding that out through your blog. I am stepping back and evaluating my own marriage and looking at all the many flaws...mainly starting with how our relationship, or lack thereof, is with God. I realize my husband and I need to devote more time to centering our lives around God and what he wants from us and to respect and love each other much more than we already do. And I have you to thank for that. And God. So yes, I feel that God took Jeremy like he took other people in the bible...Jeremy was just that spiritual. And for you to have been with him? Priceless. You are a true inspiration and a model to me. Thank YOu.

Allie said...

Dear Vee,
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I will be keeping you in my prayers:) God has a plan for you, it might seem crazy and horrible now, but He will smooth everything out for you!

Alyssa said...

Hi Vee, after first reading your story from the love bomb, I have occasionally checked in and continue to pray for you and your family. That song Blessings, I hear on my Christian radio station nearly every day while I'm driving. I love the song but the reality of it is scary to me. Tragedy can knock on our door anytime and rather than God reversing it or providing a miracle like we want him to, he uses it in another way; some sort of blessing. I cannot even begin to imagine what you're going through, but I am so, so encouraged and inspired by your strength and faith. I hope you are giving yourself the credit that you deserve for having been such a wonderful wife, for being an amazing mother, and now for coping with everything with so much grace even when you don't think you are. Your family sure is lucky. May God continue to help you heal and bring you blessings. You're a beautiful person. And you write beautifully too! <3

Aaron S. said...

Might I suggest this song? This post brought it directly to mind.

"The reason for the world is to make us long for home"


Anonymous said...

I listened to this song one morning and it was as if God was speaking directly to me. I then listened to a Joyce Meyer podcast, and she stated we all want to live on the mountain tops, but the only place there is growth is in the valleys. After reading this, this song has a whole new meaning as to His mercies. Thank you for your willingness to share this journey. You may not realize it, but you are the encourager to all who know you and who read your gifted writing. You are a blessing, and I pray for God's blessings to continue to pour down on you each and every second!!!

Anonymous said...

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted" Psalms 34:18
I'm so sorry, I'm praying for you.


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