5.16.2012

Catch 22



This will be my last blog post as a single woman....Saturday, I will be becoming Mrs. Steve Cunningham! The reality is sinking in, and I am getting so excited! It's really been a crazy ride, and a quick one, so I haven't had much time to really let it process that this is MY wedding I'm planning, not someone else's - that and I haven't really let myself get too giddy about it.

It's weird that in the midst of all the craziness and planning my wedding with Steve how much it has made me miss Jeremy. Not because I'm not excited or because I'm not in a good place, but because he has always been the person I share everything with and I have been desperately aching to just share the ins and outs of life with him, the way I always used to. But, I recognize the irony in that and know that both of those things - my life circumstance and sharing it with Jer - could never happen at the same time.

While I'm experiencing the very weird mix of excitement and grief, I realize what a unique and frustrating place it has put me in. I find myself holding back happiness so I don't appear too excited about my wedding, because people then think it means I'm over Jeremy, that I'm done grieving, or I'm being disrespectful in some way. On the flip side, I worry that if I show my grief too strongly or talk about it too much, people accuse me of not being ready to get married or not being in a good place. It's my catch 22.

When I get down about this predicament, it helps to know that these assumptions generally come from those who don't know me well, have not talked to me about where I am at with things, or people who don't understand grief. I don't know a lot, but there are a few things I am certain of:

1. I miss Jeremy every single day.
2. I will miss Jeremy every single day for the rest of my life.
3. I am head-over-heels in love with Steve.
4. I am excited about my future with Steve and our beautiful family.
5. My happiness and my sadness run side by side. And neither negates the other.

So this week I have tried to intentionally not worry about what everyone else thinks and allow myself both time to grieve what I will no longer have with Jeremy and celebrate what I am going to have with Steve. I am trying to soak up every good moment of the beautiful chaos in my life right now, because Lord willing, I won't ever have to do it again.

24 comments:

Jackie said...

Blessings on your marriage! I can't imagine all the emotions you have experienced in the last year and a half (?). I am excited for you and your family and this new chapter.

Vicki said...

Congratulations!!! You're right, don't worry about what anyone else thinks! Enjoy your wedding and your life with Steve. You deserve great things!

Tamara Cosby said...

I have no idea how I found your blog...but I have been following you for awhile and I just wanted to say how incredibly beautiful it has been to watch God do His work in you and your family!!! Your testimony is amazing! I have never been through what you have been through, I don't want to pretend it understand it...but the smile I had on my face when I read about Steve asking you to marry him was real!!!! I am so happy for you!!!!! You are truly a gift from God and have reminded me I am to cherish my family, thank you!!!

Anonymous said...

The past few years have taught me many of the same lessons. You can be happy and sad at the same time, excited for the future, but still missing things from the past. You deserve so much joy. I am thrilled you have met a wonderful man to share your life. I can't wait to see the big event Saturday.

Tamara said...

Beautifully written, my friend. I am fully prepared to continue grieving with you for Jeremy and to celebrate the awesomeness of your marriage to Steve and the excitement that comes with it. I love you!

The Ramblings of a Thirtysomething Wife said...

I can't even imagine the mixture of emotions you must be going through, but I am so happy and excited for you!!! Congratulations :)

Brooke said...

Very powerful post. I'm in a very different circumstance but frequently experience both joy and grief side by side and it's hard to explain how they can co-exist. Wishing you all the best in your marriage!

K Blue said...

You have so eloquently written precisely what I felt when I got remarried...and still feel in my new marriage. It is a really crazy feeling...and yet so many people don't find love even once in their lifetime...and we have found it twice. And how blessed we are in so many ways to be able to celebrate love, and life, and growth even having experienced such sadness and heartache. God bless you in your marriage. Thank you for your openness and beauty!

Me said...

Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I pray for blessings over your whole family!

glenda said...

I'm not sure if my previous comment went through or not!

but here it goes again... I'm so happy for you and Steve and the kiddos. Wishing you all a lifetime of love, health and happiness. You so deserve it!

Enjoy your wedding day and can't wait to see pictures.

ruby luallin said...

SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND
STEVE.

Sarah said...

This post has humbled me - because, I confess, I was worried that you were making this commitment too fast. But I've not been in your shoes and I don't actually know you personally and reading that you are head over heels in love with Steve is a huge relief, one that I don't "deserve" because I don't know you, but one that I'm thankful to God for, because you deserve all the happiness in the world after everything you've been through.

I've been praying for you and your family and wish you all the best on your big day!

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

Oh my goodness! I felt the same exact way while planning my wedding. Worried that people would think I was "over" HeeJun, but worried if I showed grief people would think I didn't love Chad as much. Good gracious! I still sometimes feel like that. It all boils down to worrying too much about what people think. Congrats on your wedding this weekend! So exciting! Enjoy every moment!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your wonderful upcoming special day! God has a plan for you, one that no one would've ever imagined. And now you are on to the next phase of his plan. Good for you and Steve for finding love, try not to let the grief in too, too much.
And let the sun shine in! Lisa

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! Stay confident in the "things you are certain of", and definitely don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Blessings to all of you in this next chapter of life.

Anonymous said...

I think it a true testament to the love you are Jeremy shared, and how he taught you to "Love Fiercely", that you now have the ability to share love with Steve! It DOES NOT negate your love for Jeremy.....It honors the love he gave/taught you, use what your sweet Jer taught you to honor, love and cherish Steve. I am thinking Jeremy would expect no less!,
Enjoy your wedding, honeymoon.... Heck, your coming home to 5 kiddos!,,,
Much love, from a mere creeper.

Cari

The Olson Family said...

Congrats Girl! Enjoy your day the ways you need and want to enjoy your day! Can't wait to see pics!
May the Lord Bless your marriage!

carrieg said...

congratulations on your upcoming wedding. ive been following your blog since your husband's passing and am happy you found someone to share you life with. blessings to you and your family!

Samantha said...

You are truly an inspiration. Thank you for being so honest and real. I'll be thinking of and praying for you and your new family :)

Two Journeys:One Life said...

Congrats! So happy for you and you deserve every last bit of happiness and love!

K Blue- you said it so well yourself! So true. Only those who walk down this path know and understand these feelings and emotions.

widowisland said...

Beautifully said! Congratulations Vee! Sending you prayers for abundant blessings for you and your beautiful family~ Chris

Emily said...

You are such an amazing person, Veronica, and I'm so happy for you. Congrats on your wedding (today!!!) and your new family!!!

Emily said...

You are such an amazing person, Veronica, and I'm so happy for you. Congrats on your wedding (today!!!) and your new family!!!

Sabrina said...

Congratulations and much love! So often comments are made by those who simply don't know and really... those of us "in the widow know" would never wish this painful journey on them. Revel in your happiness and cherish the past. Yes, you are so blessed to find such a pure love twice in this life. So many blessings!

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails