Steve and I just finished reading this book called "Heaven is for Real" - it's a boy's account of his visit to Heaven and back while he almost died from appendicitis at age 3. Whatever your beliefs are about Heaven, it's definitely a great book that will give you a lot to think about.

I went through a phase in my grief where I longed for Heaven constantly. I longed to see Jeremy again with an ache that was so intense, I couldn't think about anything else. I remember writing multiple blog posts about Heaven - it was the first time in my life where I had actually spent any significant amount of time thinking about what Heaven would be like.

One thing that changed when Jer died was that I no longer feared death. No matter how excited I am about the future, no matter how many things left unfinished here, no matter how much my kids need me here...I know that I'm ready to go whenever. But the thing I feared for awhile was wether or not I would get my reunion with Jeremy in Heaven. I've dreamt about it and thought about it so frequently that the idea that I might not get my moment in Heaven with Jeremy was one that made me feel so sick.

As Steve and I were reading this book together, there's a chapter in which Colten (the little boy) asked his parents about his sister that died in his mommy's belly. It is a chilling account since Colten had never been told about the miscarriage his mother had, nor had his parents known the sex of the baby. But Colten tells them he saw her in Heaven and that she was waiting for them and couldn't wait to see them. I was reading the book out loud in the car, and I had to put it down because I couldn't hold my emotions in.

Even though the story was compelling, that's not what got me. It was the idea that Jeremy was waiting for me in Heaven, that his anticipation to see me was as strong as mine to see him. But not just him...my brother popped in my head and the thought of seeing him and giving him a hug also tugged at my heart in a heavy way.

It's weird that something that seems so hopeful and peaceful can be so emotional - that so much pain is tied in with it. But I know the emotion is really just the pain of having to wait. The pain of knowing I can't see them now. It was a painful yet peaceful thought. I'm not a cooky person and up until I experienced it, I would have never believed that Jeremy's presence would be so strong in my life after he died. But I've heard him, I felt him watch over me, I felt his blessing over my relationship with Steve - I feel him protecting me and loving me through my relationships. And in that moment, through the story of someone else, I felt his anticipation to my arrival.

I can't wait for our reunion.


Amira said...

"...There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.”
- C.S. Lewis


Courtney said...

I too just read it and it's so wonderful, and def got me all emotional!

DianeTaylor said...

Hi Vee - I don't know if you remember me at all, I used to comment on your blog here and there. First of all, I am so happy to hear about your upcoming wedding. Secondly, I haven't been around to visit my fav blogs very much - sadly I lost my only child, my 24 year old son Jonathan on March 1st when his apartment caught fire. Somewhere in the haze of a mother mourning her loss, someone gave me this book to read. I truly hope that Colton's heaven experience is what happened to my Jonathan. He had not come to know God in his life yet - I always knew it would take something catastrophic for him to open his heart. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take his dying for him to believe in our heavenly Father. I loved the book so much, I cried thru almost all of it.

Again, congrats to you and your sweet new family. I pray for the strength to do as you have done - find the new path that God has chosen for me without my son :(



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