Here are the rest of the questions we've answered related to grief. Grab a cup of coffee...you might be here awhile...
8.
Whenever people go through some of life's biggest moments (marriage, divorce,
death, birth of new lives, relocation, career change, etc)... sometimes
friendships change.
Have you experienced changes in friendships based on what
you've been through? Has it made friendships stronger or has it strained
them?
You've been through SO MANY of life's big changes... Jeremy's death,
moving to a new home, new baby, and now additional family members to complete
and add love to your home. It appears you have handled things so gracefully and
almost seamlessly...
For some of the realists who read the blog, it might be
good to have some insight around "if you are the widow...the one going
through all of the change, what should you be prepared for inside of your
friendships?"
Vee: First of all, if
things have appeared seamless, then I haven’t been telling it right! Nothing
about the last almost 2 years has been seamless, or even graceful. Every
transition has come with lots of grief, questions, heartache, and prayer – and this
includes my relationships. Jeremy’s death has brought a lot of people closer to
me and has made many of my friendships stronger, but unfortunately, it has
strained some too. I’ve read about a lot of people in grief who have
experienced broken relationships or people who were hard, hateful, or
insensitive – I can honestly say I’m thankful that this has not been the case
for me. My closest circle became tighter, and grew in number and I’m so
blessed. The strain has come from transition, distance, trying to keep up with
so much at once, or just from not agreeing on different aspects of life.
I’ve noticed that a
lot of the strain in my relationships hasn’t really come out of my ‘widowhood’
– most of it has sprung from moving forward in life. I think a lot of friends
found purpose and a place in my life to rally around me and help fill needs
that were absent, and now they struggle to know how to help me or misconceive
that I don’t need them anymore. It’s not bad; it’s just different and requires
patience and an open heart on both sides. It’s a tough place to be in when
everyone has his or her own ideas about how to grieve, but you have to be true
to yourself and know that everyone is different and everyone grieves different.
I guess if “you’re the
widow” expect friends to not really know what to do or how to help sometimes,
expect them to not understand, and expect them to struggle with your identity
as much as you do. When you’re grieving, you’ll notice that it’s a very selfish
state of being – you are incapable of looking outside of yourself and probably
incapable of being a good friend back to those who will give so much. I have
found a lot of guilt in this area, but I also know I would do the same for my
friends. It’s painful to watch relationships change sometimes, but know that
the ones worth hanging on to will find a way through the mud to meet you on the
other side of it. And the ones that do are incredibly special – hold onto them.
9. Have you or will you receive any professional counseling?
Vee: I did receive some
professional counseling last summer. While it was good to talk things out and
gain a different perspective on things, I found that writing was a similar
therapy for me, only cheaper. I’m a huge advocate for professional counseling,
and I believe I would have done more if I didn’t have such a strong support
system. I was never lacking in people to talk to, pray with, or cry with and
that has been invaluable to me. I’m a natural processor and talker (chatty
Cathy over here!) so I’m thankful to have these outlets available to me when I
need them.
10.
How do you bring up death with your children? I just experienced a tragic loss
and my little 2.5 year old daughter is always asking "why is mama
sad" how do I explain this to my daughter?
Vee: The thing I’ve realized
through teaching preschool and working in childcare and especially being a mom
is that kids see through fluff. My best advice is to just be honest with your
children – no need for gory details or information over their head, but be
honest. If you’re sad, let you children know why you’re sad and why it’s ok to
be sad when you lose someone you love. I was always very honest with my
children about why I was crying, but they knew anyway. They were sad, too, and
I wanted them to able to express that pain and talk about it. If you read back
through my blog, you’ll probably see some of the tough discussion I’ve had with
my kids. Some were painful and I wasn’t sure I could get through them, but I’m
so thankful they felt like they could talk to me about it. I think it has made
them more well rounded and more sensitive to others in pain.
Steve: As hard as grief is for adults, it can be even more
tricky for children for various reasons: First, adults have language to help
them talk about grief – we can say I am overwhelmed, afraid, depressed, alone,
etc… but most children don’t have the vocabulary to talk about grief, let alone
the understanding of those terms.
Therefore, most children wont talk about grief and most adults interpret
their lack of conversation about grief to mean they don’t want to talk about it
or its not affecting them. Second, most
adults want to “protect” children from adults things like grief. We don’t want
them to worry or become upset, so most of the grief happens behind doors where
the children cant see. Third, children
have a simple understanding of the world and the things that happen in it –
when we talk about complex issues that adults have a hard time wrapping our
minds around, you can only imagine what a child must think about it. (Since I
worked as a bereavement counselor, death was a common topic for Zada, Reagan,
and I after long days at work. I can
remember the girls telling me on several occasions how weird it was that when a
person died we put them in a box [i.e. a coffin] and then went to look at them
[i.e. a funeral], or put their body in the ground when we talked about their
soul going to heaven)
Since there are several factors that can make grief a little
tougher for children, here are a couple of things to keep in mind:
1. Children are resilient! Although they are young and
vulnerable, they are also able to do a lot more than what we think they can. Although It’s painful, many children lose a
parent every day – and still grow up to be normal, well-rounded adults.
2. Since children don’t have a vocabulary or understanding to
go along with grief, its often helpful to give them various outlets to express
their feelings in other ways that don’t involve just words. Allow them to paint, color, play, do a craft,
make up a game, do a project, make up a skit or play, or do something tangible
that will help the child express their grief.
When I worked as the Director for Camp Hope, a grief camp for children,
I had the children paint masks – on the outside of the mask they could paint how
they showed people how they felt and on the inside of the mask they could paint
how they really felt. This seemed to be
a great way of helping children get in touch with their feelings.
3. Don’t hide your grief.
While their will be moments where you need to grieve by yourself, its
important for children to see others grieve, so they know its ok to grieve
too. If nobody cries in front of them,
then they assume it’s not ok to cry when someone dies. If no one talks about the deceased loved one
around them and how much they miss them, then they assume that it’s not ok to
talk about the feelings they have of missing that person.
4. Talk on a “kid level.”
Since children have a limited vocabulary and a limited understanding of
grief, death, heaven, etc. then it’s important to talk on a level they will
understand. There are some things to
stay away from, however: phrases such as “Daddy went to sleep” or “Grandma is
just resting” can imply to small children that sometimes when you sleep you
don’t get up and can instill some bedtime fears in children. Also, using phrases like “God wanted another
angel” or “God needed to take Mommy home” can leave children with a fear of a
God who takes people away.
I have a TON more to talk about on this
subject, but I hope this is helpful and give you some ideas!
11.
Are you
angry at God? How did you get over that/how are you getting over that?
Vee: I can’t say I’m angry
with God anymore now, but I definitely was. I still have waves of it, but it
has been watered down to confusion and hurt – which is really what anger is
disguising in the first place. I can’t say that there was a moment I just ‘got
over it’ or even a revelation I suddenly had that made me understand God. I
still don’t get it. I still think Jeremy should be here. I still think it’s
unjust and stupid that good people die while bad people still get to suck in
air….but I also know that God didn’t cause Jeremy’s death, or that ‘He needed
another angel’ – when people say things like that to widowed people, it annoys
me. I think we live in a fallen world where evil and death aren’t prejudice.
And I know God grieves with me. Really, it just took time. And as much as I
HATED that answer in the beginning, it really is true. Time to work through the
anger in my heart. Time to talk through the hurt and cry out the pain. Time to
pass so that I could look back and see how God was working the whole time, and
working blessings out of a tragedy. It also took honesty with God – I said what
I wanted to say and got out my anger, because let’s be honest…He already knows.
Letting it out was more for me than anything else, but being angry with God is
so ‘taboo’ and something that we’re not supposed to do. But I say God wants
every piece of us – not just the pretty parts. How can He heal brokenness if
you aren’t willing to give it to Him? So, I gave it to Him, alright – anger,
yelling, screaming, cursing, and crying. Eventually, you just get it out til
the next wave comes.
I have a plaque that
sits on my kitchen counter with Jeremy’s favorite verse on it. Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” After Jeremy died,
this verse could not have angered me more. How could God plan to prosper me when
He took away my future and every ounce of hope I had? We were good people,
believers who were striving to be the best we could be – not perfect, of
course, but trying – why would God take away that promise from me?!
What I began to see in
my own life, and within the context of Jeremiah, is that God’s promises aren’t
always immediate – or even always in your lifetime. People were being given
this promise while being brought into captivity! When you take the verse for
face value, it becomes very egotistical, and that’s not the intent of the verse
or the context in which it is being used. What it means is that if you’re
faithful and you continue to put your trust in God, His promises will be
waiting for you.
I didn’t mean to
preach a sermon, but I say all that to say I can see God’s blessings in my life
every day. Even though I’ve lost much, I know I am still undeserving of what I
have left. And I am still waiting on my promises – Jeremy is standing there
among them.
12. How do you imagine your after-life in Heaven? You always
talk about wanting to be with Jeremy again, yet now that you're married to
Steve, I imagine you want to also be with him in Heaven. Is there a struggle
for you with that? When you picture it, are you with one or the other, or a
peaceful party of three, with both men knowing they carried a part of your
life? Also, what about your burial when you pass? Will you be laid to rest with
Jeremy or with Steve?
Vee: Heaven is a topic that
Steve and I both agree raises more questions than gives us answers. I can’t
tell you what Heaven is gonna look like exactly, but I am confident that Jeremy
will be waiting for me there – I can’t imagine it any other way. When I picture
it, I imagine reuniting with Jer because he’s the one I miss and the one I long
to see. I trust that Heaven holds more for me than I could ever possibly
comprehend. What gave me so much peace early on in my grief was picturing
Jeremy in Heaven with us already – playing cars with Caleb and wrestling with
Faith and me stealing hugs in between. But that was my Heaven on Earth. I pray
constantly that I will get my moment in Heaven with Jeremy. But thinking about
Heaven also brings tears quicker than almost anything – maybe out of jealousy
that Jer is there and I’m stuck here. Or the confusion of knowing I should be
happy for him while I’m so sad without him. Either way, I ache to be there. And
I have to think that Steve will there waiting for me as well. I don’t know how
that works and I don’t think I’m meant to figure it out. The thing you learn
about life after losing someone you love is how to be ok with things you don’t
have answers to.
As far as a burial
goes, it’s another question I don’t have much of an answer to. As much as I
wanted to be buried next to Jeremy, I knew even before I met Steve that outside
of Jeremy’s family, it didn’t make much sense for me to be buried way out in
Canada where no one else I know would ever be able to visit. Not that it’s the
primary motivation for a burial, but I realized after Jeremy’s death and my
brother’s death that there’s something to being able to just stand there in
their presence. I want people I love to be able to do that, and I can’t see
that happening in Canada. Jeremy’s grave is perfect there and I couldn’t
imagine him any other place. My family has plots in Brighton, Michigan where I
grew up so I know there’s a place there for me if I needed as well, but since I
don’t know where the future will take me, I’m not too worried about it right
now. Honestly, where my body goes after I die is really not important to me. As
long as I’m on my way to Heaven, put my body wherever.
13.
My question is about your relationship with God. How was it affected by
Jeremy's death?
My husband was still exploring his faith when he lost his
brother and since then he has been angry/bitter/resentful towards God. He feels
like God doesn't care about him, so why should he care about God. Is there
anything I can do to help him through that? Do you have any books, scriptures
or songs that you recommend that would help? How does one feel anger towards
God, but still keep him as the creator of the universe and the ruler of your
life?
Vee: Struggling with faith
is a natural part of grief. There’s no way to have your world shaken like that
and not have serious questions about God and His plan. Even those with strong
faith have to come face to face with hard realities. But anger is not a bad
emotion in and of itself. I believe that God would rather have us yelling and
screaming at Him than not communicating with Him at all. I watched my family
struggle with this as well when my brother died. I’m not sure I can give you a
cookie cutter answer for how to handle it, as I can’t even tell you how I
overcame that place. Just time I guess, and the prayers and support of so many.
Steve might know more about this area than me, so I’ll let him speak into this.
Steve: Vee is right,
struggling with spirituality is a normal part of grief, and so is anger. We need someone to blame or something to make
sense of the injustice and hurt we feel.
Sometime our anger is aimed towards doctors or nurses we feel should
have been more vigilant, or our anger may be directed at ourselves for not
doing more or preventing the death, or our anger might be at God for “causing”
or “allowing” our loved one to die. The
simple fact is, while blaming something isn’t helpful, it is normal. Allow your husband to be angry. If you study the Psalms you can see that the
writers spent some time questioning God, being angry, and expressing the
injustice that they felt – and yet these are words and expressions that we see
in the Bible. I think that we can be
angry and express that anger with God without losing” our relationship with
God.
At the same time,
understand that anger is a secondary emotion, meaning there are usually other
emotions that are provoking the anger – especially with grief. Sometimes its fear for the future, hurt,
overwhelmed, or injustice, but whatever the feelings are, it’s usually great to
try to explore and talk about them.
As far as books that
would be helpful, I would recommend “Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?”
by Tinker Melvin. This book explores the
topic of where God is when things like death and disease run rampant and tear
apart our lives.
