An unexpected surprise

My new morning view

We are settling into our new home here in West Virginia. It's a strange experience to live your entire life in one region and then move somewhere completely different in your thirties....but, I feel called here, and our family is loving it so far. And I've got lots to keep me busy!

One day last week, I decided to take a drive around and see the area a little bit more and try to figure out where things were and get acquainted with the place. I pulled up to the mall a few miles away and walked into one of the side entrances. As soon as I walked in, I had suddenly remembered being there before, almost 3 years ago, exactly two weeks after Jeremy had died....I came to lead worship in the area cause he and I were supposed to do it together and I decided to do it in his place and still go. With my sweet friends, we took an evening to walk around the mall and hang out. I was shocked that I even remembered that in the whirlwind of my aftermath and widow brain.

I continued walking through the mall and felt Jeremy's presence very strongly. I couldn't figure out why until I turned the corner into the food court. There, I saw him, sitting at one of the tables with Faith next to him as a baby......and it hit me.

I have been here before. With Jeremy.

My heart nearly leaped as it jumpstarted a memory I didn't even realize I had. What a beautiful surprise it was to remember coming here, 7 years ago, traveling with Jeremy to Ohio Valley University just up the road, and stopping here for lunch at the food court I now stood in. I remembered us driving across the street to pick up a stroller for Faith because we didn't realize how badly we would need one on the trip. That same stroller is sitting in my garage now three miles down the road.

It all came back to me and it was like Jer audibly whispered in my head "I'm here too." One of the hardest parts for me about moving was leaving Jeremy behind. I talked about it a few weeks ago, but still struggled with picking up and moving somewhere Jer would never be a part of. Somewhere I thought I couldn't reach him. I fought tears for a few hours just thinking about how random, ironic, and special it was to know that I had shared a memory in a place I didn't even realize I had been before. Jeremy's presence was found hundreds of miles away from home.

This forgotten memory will now be one of my most cherished moments.

Home Sweet Home

I promise I'm still here! I apologize for the long overdue post. I wrote this for tomorrow's post on Widow's Voice, but I thought I'd share here to fill in a few people. I will be back soon.

source

Well, things around here never seem to quite slow down. And lately, in particular, they've sped up into super speed! Steve accepted a new job position in Parkersburg, West Virginia. Oh, and we move next week! We are taking a ride on the crazy train and loving every minute of it. Well....almost every minute. 

While I am thrilled for this new opportunity for our family and ready to start fresh together somewhere, I will be honest and say that initially, I was not ok with moving so far away. There are a lot of different things that factor into that, but one of the reasons is certainly because this place is home to me. I've lived in Michigan my entire life and this area in particular is where I went to college, it's where my children were born, it's where I've worked, it's where my friends are, it's where I discovered who I am.....it's where Jeremy is.

This is where he was and always will be. There will be no more moving for him. This place will always be associated with him. His memorial stone is here, his job and church is here, his friends are still here. And leaving this place sometimes feels a lot like leaving him. 

I will say that I've been through enough transition over the past few years that I know this is not the case. I won't be leaving him behind. I will carry him with me wherever I go. It will be difficult to make new memories in a place where Jer will never step foot and to make new friends that will never know of my life "before" but I know I could never completely leave this place behind. I will be back often. 

I have found so much peace about moving since that initial idea hit me...I don't know where it came from. I'd like to think some of it is Jeremy's blessing to keep moving forward with a life he always wanted for me. Either way, I am jumping into the great unknown leaving a piece of my heart here in this place, but looking forward to filling more spaces in my heart with new experiences and new people. 

An update

I'm still here. I honestly hadn't opened my computer in over a week, things have been so crazy. My only connection was on FB via my phone. Let me give you all a little update:

I finally closed on a house! This has been a very long process, but I wanted it to be the right decision, and the right house. The house we're in now isn't safe or big enough for our family anymore. I think we've found something that suits us way more. We've been working on it (me and a ton of wonderful people) non stop for a few weeks now and every day it starts to come together a little more, and I am in love with it. It's perfect for us. The best part is, our next door neighbors are wonderful, they have a little boy named Caleb who is 2 days older than my Caleb - and they've all been connected at the hip since they met!

When I get a chance to finally sit down and play with my before and after photos (oh and get the house in order to actually have after photos) I will share them. I will tell you that I am pretty proud of myself for learning how to stain and seal hardwood floors (I had to call in help to sand the floors). There are flaws that will likely bug me more than anyone else, but overall it looks pretty good:

I have been ready to move out for awhile. More than awhile, Jeremy hated this house. Knowing he wouldn't want us here without him made the decision to leave very easy. I never thought twice about leaving it, that is, until this week as I pack up my things. As much as I am not tied to this house and am excited about starting in a better place, it's still painful to leave the last place Jeremy ever lived. Our last home together - our only home together. I can feel the anxiety of seeing it empty creeping up on me.

I have pushed a lot of grief to the back burner with everything going on. Not necessarily on purpose, it's just happened that way. But what I'm finding is that while every day gets a little easier, it also gets a little bit harder, and little more real if that makes any sense. Today has been the first day in weeks that I was just home, getting stuff done, no one around and I went grocery shopping for the first time in awhile. What a disaster. I was completely caught off-guard by the emotions I was going go through just slowing down and doing every day normal things. I cried harder today than I have in months.

There is so much on my heart and mind that I want to write down before I forget, I just don't know when I'll find the time to do it. All I can say for now is that prayers have never been needed more and I will never stop asking for them. Thank you.