Good intentions

The thing I've discovered about grief is that it is an all-consuming, selfish process. 

No matter how good my intentions are, I seem to always come up short when it comes to thinking about anything other than myself. I am forced to think about my 3 children, which takes up what little capacity I have left...so anything beyond that is completely outside my thought processes right now. I can't think past my own needs. I want to be helpful to others, I want to be a good friend, but the truth is, I just don't care right now. I'd love to be able to close out the entire world and stay under the sheets until I met Jeremy again. Nothing else matters - even when I want it to.

I try to care, but grief consumes me. I want to reach out, but then the ache in my soul starts burning too much to move. I want to connect with people and let their words heal, or draw from the experience of others, but I'm not ready to admit that anyone could feel as crappy as I do inside, or that allowing words to heal me would somehow betray my love to Jeremy. I'm not ready for that. I want the world to stop for me, I want everyone to know Jeremy's story and the man he was. I want everyone to feel the hole I feel so I don't have to try to explain it anymore. 

Right now, Grief is a reliable friend who waits for me in my bed every night even if I manage to dodge him all day. I save up all the tears I'm unable to let out in front of others for the evenings with my friend Grief. Always cruel, always unwanted, but always there. And because Grief follows me wherever I go, I find him draining and taking up all the energy I would normally use for other people.

With that said, I would like to point out that I have incredible friends. They have been my lifeline over the last few months during this unimaginable time in my life. My friends have stood by my side when I had nothing to say, helped me with the kids, been my memory for nearly everything, and have continued to be a presence even when I couldn't ask for it. I've read others' stories of friends who walked out of their life during their tragedies because they didn't know how to handle it, or they got sick of that person being a dark cloud of grief. I know that there are still the people who don't know what to say or how to help, and I get that. I'd probably be the same way. But I'm thankful for the people in my life who reach out anyway, even if they're unsure if it's helpful. Sometimes, it's not but I'm grateful all the same. And, I've made some incredible new friendships throughout this whole thing, which has been a great blessing to me. I feel like I got lucky in the friends department.

For example, I am still getting meals brought to my house, and I have yet to buy a roll of toilet paper. I'm still using some from the tons that were brought to my home the week Jeremy died, because people just stepped in and took over when I didn't know my left from my right. How amazing is that? I have a hard time asking people for help. I don't like being a burden on anyone, I've always been independent. Except when it came to Jeremy....but marriage is built that way. We were a team. I expected his help as he expected mine. I could ask him for help, the same help I refuse to ask from someone else. And the funny thing about grief is that even when I want to ask for help, I won't.

This is a horrible rambling post. I don't really know where I'm trying to go with this. I guess this is for all my friends: bear with me. Forgive my selfishness and the fact that I don't know how to be a good friend right now. It's not because I don't want to, it's because I literally just can't right now. Keep standing by when I push you away, til I see this through the other side. I have no idea how long that will be, but I'm working on it.

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing...not healing, not curing...that is a friend who cares."

Snapshots

Daddy and Caleb snuggling at the hospital - one of my favorite photos of them together

Today was an oddly difficult day. Every day right now is difficult, but out of nowhere, grief smacked me in the face hard enough that I had to pull over my vehicle because I couldn't see through my tears. An image popped into my head that punched me in the gut and left me feeling completely empty and hurt. I may share about that another day, that's not what I'm posting about today.


In the midst of my painful day, I found a reason to smile.


That's a big deal, because nothing about this awful journey has left me wanting to smile. Or even smirk. But for a moment, I smiled through my sobs.


You see, I have these little images I like to store in my head. Moments in life I take mental pictures of so I never forget. Images that fill my heart, small moments I've saved in my soul to capture different feelings. I've done it my whole life and I have so many of these moments I've stored away of Jeremy and I think about them constantly.


I used to try and describe this to him, and those snapshots. Some he remembered, others he didn't. Some moments, he didn't understand their significance to me. But that's why they became special to me...little mundane details of life that brought me joy and I never wanted to forget. But I always failed at describing those moments and what they meant to me:


Like us accidentally catching glimpses of each other before our ceremony on our wedding day.
Him standing beside me during labor with Faith
Jer falling asleep at the hospital with Caleb on his chest
A random dinner we shared at a Mr. Pita, laughing away
Jer all dressed up for a Valentine's Dinner with the first pink clothing he ever bought for himself - a tie - because it was my favorite color
The image of us curled up together on the couch for a nap one sunny afternoon
Us holding each other and sobbing together after our one and only really big fight.

The one I think about the most is the moment I feel in love with him, the exact moment I knew. It was completely insignificant to Jeremy probably, we were just sitting together outside on a step at Rochester College, talking about nothing probably. In the middle of our conversation, he stopped everything, gave me a look (the one that's stored in my heart forever, but I would never be able to actually describe it), and said "God, you're beautiful." And then kissed me. It wasn't him telling me I was beautiful (though it's always nice to hear) that got me. It was the genuine look on his face that he really had never seen anything better in his life. And at that moment my heart was so full and I thought, yep, he's the one. 


I smiled for a moment today realizing that I no longer have to try and describe those moments to him - he can see them, and feel them in my heart the way I do. Thinking about him seeing those moments the way I remember them filled my heart today....that love is the only feeling more powerful than the pain I live in now without him. He can finally understand something I've failed to put into words for him. I'm glad he finally gets to see my point of view.


And for a split second today, the gap between Heaven and my hell didn't exist.

One more day further away

Jeremy with his Pheasant hunting buddies - Jon, John, and Mark.

This weekend, I've noticed this indescribable panic start to set in to my body. Not an alarming anxiety-type panic, but rather the unsettling truth of my reality seeping into my heart.

I'm realizing with each passing day that Jeremy is slowly slipping through my fingertips and no matter how tight I try to hold on, another day will still come. Another day without the one I was suppose to spend all my days with.

This weekend, I received Jer's last pay stub from his last paycheck at work. They paid him through the end of February, but I was not prepared for the onset of emotions caused by the notification on my iphone for the direct deposit. I don't care about the money, it's the tangible confirmation that Jeremy's life is falling further and further into the distance. Just another reminder that life is going to continue on without him. It's not new anymore for people, life must keep going. But it still feels so fresh in my heart, and I don't want anything to keep going.

So many things have happened in the last 110 days, it has allowed me in small ways to not have to deal with my reality. My grief is there, make no mistake, but I'm terrified of facing the beast head on, worried I might not recover. I fear Grief will knock me out for the count, and win this fight I'm very ill-equiped to handle. So instead, I stand in my corner of the ring, shuffling from foot to foot, looking like I'm ready to fight, ready to move forward, when in reality it's just fancy footwork to keep me from having to actually defend myself.

Maybe it was that this weekend almost felt like a conclusion to all the things that were allowing me to hold on to Jeremy without really dealing with his absence. All these little milestones that I absolutely dreaded having to face were actually excuses for me to escape. Yesterday, a Jeremy King Memorial Pheasant Hunt took place to raise money for college funds for our children. Jer's family came into town for the weekend to participate and support, Jer's friends from all different walks of his life came together and had a good time. But this event was on my calendar for awhile and marked the end of a long series of dates on my calendar: The birth of Jer's niece, Grayci, Christmas, New Years, recording a CD in Jer's memory, Gulf Coast, the birth of Carter, Jeremy's birthday....now that they're all over, I find myself panicked about what to do next. Faith turns 5 in two more weeks, and after that I have nothing to focus my energy on except the harsh reality of this new life as Jeremy's widow and only parent to our three children. The new title alone is overwhelming.

It was a good weekend. It was good to be around Jeremy's family and friends - that's where I feel closest to him. And I feel like I'm starting to get 'used to' this routine, if that's even possible. It's not so startling every morning when I wake up and realize oh yeah, I've got to do this alone again, my husband is dead. It still makes me sick, it's just not as surprising anymore. It's when we're all low on fuel without naps and I'm sitting at home with three kids crying about three different things that reality becomes too much to face. If someone had told me my life would end up in this place, I would have ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

I'm still not ready for this. I'm not ready to face the future alone. I'm not prepared for this intense loneliness that is soaking into my bones, this hunger for a warm presence. A reliable presence to lean on, to talk to, to share my day with, to love me at my best and my worst, to accept my crazy, and to help ease the load that we created together. Even though I'm used to having the kids during the day and taking care of them myself at times, knowing that daddy will never be there again to help really makes the responsibility seem so much bigger and less possible.

I'm ready for this joke to be over. It's really not funny anymore.

The last few days

My sexy man leading worship - I miss watching him pour his heart out in song...

Just after Jeremy died, I went to AT&T to try and sort out our phones and cancel his, take over his iphone, etc. I tried to transfer some voicemails that I had saved over the last 2 years....I had about 12 of them, each one a different good-night message from Jeremy and the kids while I was bartending late at night. The kids voices were so little, some were from even before Caleb could talk much - singing to me, telling me about their day, praying for me - and the sound of Jeremy's voice telling me he loved me was something I wanted to keep forever.

I was absolutely devastated to find there wasn't a way to keep those messages. We had just switched to AT&T from Verizon days before Jeremy died, so I couldn't get them back from my old phone. I cried in the store, probably scared the poor girl working there. Even today, it kills me that I can't listen to them again. I wanted to remember, to hold on.

I've come to realize that over the last few weeks, I've tried so desperately to hold onto and remember all my 'lasts' with Jeremy. Our last kiss, our last words, our last meal....the last month, the last week, the last day...

The truth is, there are holes in my memory of our last week together. I know it was great, but we were so busy. I wanted to write it down so I don't forget, and maybe in writing, I will remember more. My memory starts on Friday November 5 - four days before Jeremy died. This is mostly because that's when we got our new phones, and that's as far back as our text messages to each other go.

November 5th
I remember that our dear friends Chris & Vicki were in town to see another friend in a show. We were able to meet up with them for dinner at Rochester Mills. Jer and I had never been there, and even though I knew about where it was, we ended up driving around it in a big circle in downtown Rochester, playfully arguing about where it was and calling Chris a bunch of times for directions. We had a great dinner together, and Jer was so anxious because we were going to AT&T after to get new phones. Our Verizon contract was up and he was finally able to get his iphone....we had money set aside for awhile just waiting. He was like a kid in a candy store.

We spent awhile in the phone store. I sacrificed having an iphone to save money and got a generic free phone. I always let him have the better technology, it was more important to him than it was to me. And I loved seeing him giddy about stuff like that (probably why I could never tell him no when he wanted something).

We, of course, texted each other back and forth with our new phones. I read the text messages between us those last few days over and over and over. But just in case I lose them, here it is:

JER 9:05pm - I love you!
ME - Ditto!


November 6th

ME 7:46am - I love you a lot!
(I'm not sure why I wrote him this early in the morning. I was on my way to work at the gym, I must have assumed he was already awake with the kids since they stayed home with him)


JER 8:17am - I love you. Let's have a family night tonight!
ME 9:23am - Deal
JER - Love you
ME 9:47am - Love you more!
ME 10:17am - Hey I actually get reception in the break room with this phone...schweet! But I am ready to come home already!
JER 10:34am - Yeah I'm heading out now (I don't remember where they went)
JER 11:32am - I wanted to let you know I love you

Later that evening, we went to Max & Erma's for dinner with the kids. I walked in to get us a table:

ME 6:33pm - Come in
JER - Ok love you, you sexy B
ME - Love you more handsome!

We had a great dinner with the kids, I loved when it was just the 4 of us. The kids were great and we ordered fresh chocolate chip cookies for dessert. We stopped at Target on our way home and picked up the Lady Antebellum Christmas CD. We stayed up late listening to it while checking our emails, etc.

JER 12:05pm - This song makes me miss my mom. (He was texting me from the bathroom, lol)
ME - Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas?
JER - Yeah
ME - I like this version

November 7th
We had to drive separate to church, since Jer always led worship for both services. I usually went with him to both but it's a lot with little kids, so I just met him up during class time in between services.

ME 8:02am - Just thought you should know how much I love you!
JER - I love you a ton too baby!
ME - Phew! What's the plan for this afternoon? Are you going hunting?
JER - I don't know yet I'm really frustrated....stupid deer
ME - Well I have the urge to go out to Lakeside mall for shopping and maybe Cheeseburger in Paradise. We could see if the Knutson's wanna do that for dinner tonight or maybe we could go on a date with a movie or something.
ME 9:43am - Wanna see if Kara and Mickey are free 4 lunch?
(I was apparently bored, texting him while getting ready for church - obviously he was busy, I wasn't really expected him to text me back, just give him some ideas so we could figure it out after church)

JER 10:06am - Just FYI I really love you
ME - Ditto :)


I actually can't remember what we did for lunch after church. We usually go out to eat after church, but I have a feeling we went home for lunch so we could get an early nap together. I do remember that we ended up eating at Logan's for dinner with the Knutson's, since it was new and none of us had been there since it opened. It was a good dinner with good friends.

November 8th
ME 11:53am - Are you coming to eat with me? (He usually came over to eat lunch with me, since he worked next door)
JER - I may! I'm starving!
ME - Well quick cause I'm ready to eat!
JER - Ok there in five


In the afternoon, during nap time at Preschool, Jer and I had a long conversation that I debated about posting. Nothing about it was bad, he was just down for the day feeling lost in our monotonous day to day life, I just didn't want people to misinterpret his heart. But, he was battling a cold that had lasted a couple of weeks, he wasn't getting much sleep, and he was feeling better by the end of the day.

ME 2:37pm - I love you a lot baby!
JER - Love you too...I need to get away! I'm feeling really down and I don't know why!!!
ME - Luckily, the next few months will be full of time with family, travelin' and days off :)
JER - Yeah but very few breaks, I really want to go hunting, and I want to relax and I don't feel like there's a point to doing either
ME - You've done a lot of hunting, and relaxing at Kirk and April's will do you good too...let's not lose sight of why we're doing all this. You are an incredible worker and you're taking good care of your family
JER - I know, and still all I want to do is sit in my stand and be away from here!!! This place is depressing me
ME - Well the next time you get out there try to clear your head. Talk to God and ask him to refresh our family and give us a better focus. Allow for some contentment in your heart, it will do you a lot of good. (This particular text makes me a little angry now...)


JER - Yeah I don't like this feeling. I just want to go to bed...
ME - You're sick. You're tired. You're overworked. It won't be forever baby. I love you more than words!
JER - I love you too. Sorry I don't mean to be whiny!
ME - Hey you listen to me whine enough, I think it's only fair!
JER - I don't want to be like this...sorry.
ME - I know baby. We've been doing the same thing over and over for a few months now, but you always find a way to provide for our family and I respect all that you do. It means the world to me even if I don't always express it.
JER - I know baby! I just need a break. I kinda wish I'd gone on the moose hunt! Just to get away
ME - Would you feel better now or less stressed? I think it might just be perspective though I wish we could have afforded for you to go.
JER - I don't know, I just feel like I need to get away from here for a bit


This day, November 8th, was a very long day for us both.  We went right from work to have a quick dinner with the kids, then right back to the church to prep for Refuge, our once a month instrumental worship series that we were both supposed to sing for that Wednesday. We had a long practice, half of which Jer was laid out on a church pew with a massive migraine. Once he was feeling better, he got on stage and in true Jeremy form, belted out our worship songs in his full chest voice - for practice. Crazy kid.

I remember our ride home vividly. We held hands and quietly talked while the kids fell asleep on the way home. I had basically been at the church building for 14 hours that day, and was looking forward to being at home and laying in my own bed. Jeremy told me how much he loved my voice and was looking forward to hearing me sing for Refuge. And I was secretly beaming with pride.

November 9th
You can read about the details of this awful day here as I can't bear to write it out again.
Very few texts exchanged this day, and yet I read them over and over as my heart sinks deeper and deeper every time...

ME 9:26am - Love you!
JER - Love you too
ME 4:34pm - Love you!
ME 6:45pm - When are you coming home? I miss you!
ME 7:06pm - You said you'd be home by 7 where are you?
ME 7:59pm - I'm starting to worry babe...
ME 8:38pm - Please call me

Ugh, it's like a sucker punch every time.

Happy Birthday Baby.

Today, Jeremy would have been 32 years old.

This picture of him is my computer's desktop picture...it's the last picture I have of him alone, from just a few weeks before he died. We spent the evening making applesauce - I even blogged about it here. I stare at the picture daily, memorizing every detail of it, trying desperately not to forget even the smallest thing. I talk to him in this picture, and it's usually the last thing I see before I got to bed at night, as I close my computer. I love it because I don't have many good pictures of him alone. I remember telling him how handsome he looked after I took it, and he hadn't worn that shirt in awhile. I love it because it's how I remember him - happy, handsome, and doing something he loved. He loved making applesauce that night. He loved showing the kids how to do it. He loved the family time.

This picture also makes my heart ache every time I see it.

I want to reach out to him and touch him. I want to feel the warmth of his breath, the strength of his arms. I talk to him hoping he'll talk back, hoping the light in his eyes will tell me something, bring me some comfort. And every time I realize I won't ever get to see that smile in person again, I die a little inside.

I remember doing a birthday post for Jer last year. I went back to read it, and remembered writing it. I very impatiently waited for him to come home from plowing all day, so that the kids and I could shower him with love and gifts. We had a snow day and he was so bummed that he ended up gone all day working. And I was proud of him for working so hard for our family. I remember looking through pictures of us, finding the perfect ones to convey what I wanted to say. And I remember hoping he'd read it so he knew how much I loved him and was thinking about him on his special day.

Today, the kids and I are gonna try and keep it pretty low key. It's gonna be a tough day, but we decided to try and make it special still for Daddy. We're gonna make him some pictures, write him some letters, and possibly go to the Fishy Store (Bass Pro), because it makes them think of Daddy. Truth be told, they're right on the money, cause I'm pretty sure that's where Daddy would want to go on his birthday anyway.

Thursday, we're gonna get together with some friends to honor Jer with a feast of some of his favorite foods. I will be making my most popular 'Jeremy pleasers' - Blueberry pie and Butter tarts. I'm thankful to be able to be around those closest to Jeremy, because it makes me feel closer to him.

Happy Birthday, Baby.
I love you more than words, and I so desperately wish you were here to celebrate your life with us. The kids and I miss you so much, and we want to shower you with our love.
Our hearts are hollow without you right now.
We miss your presence, your smile, and your love.
Hope you're enjoying your celebration in Heaven today, you deserve something Grand.
I love you forever and always.

There's more...

Here are the rest of the photos that Angela Miller sent to me from our session with Carter last week, this time with all the kiddos. If you get a chance to stop by her website, www.angelamillerphotography.com, or become a fan of hers on Facebook, please do - she takes incredible photos and I'm so thankful for the shots she got of my sweet little man.

Without further ado:

A baby is God's opinion the world should go on.

I'm so excited to share these photos, I'm bursting at the seams. We had a little newborn photo session with Angela Miller yesterday, and she did an incredible job capturing my little man. They're all so fantastic, I had a hard time choosing just a few to share. The one of Carter's hand holding Jeremy's ring especially tugs at my heart. Hope you enjoy.

Which one is your favorite?