2.22.2011

Happy Birthday Baby.



Today, Jeremy would have been 32 years old.

This picture of him is my computer's desktop picture...it's the last picture I have of him alone, from just a few weeks before he died. We spent the evening making applesauce - I even blogged about it here. I stare at the picture daily, memorizing every detail of it, trying desperately not to forget even the smallest thing. I talk to him in this picture, and it's usually the last thing I see before I got to bed at night, as I close my computer. I love it because I don't have many good pictures of him alone. I remember telling him how handsome he looked after I took it, and he hadn't worn that shirt in awhile. I love it because it's how I remember him - happy, handsome, and doing something he loved. He loved making applesauce that night. He loved showing the kids how to do it. He loved the family time.

This picture also makes my heart ache every time I see it.

I want to reach out to him and touch him. I want to feel the warmth of his breath, the strength of his arms. I talk to him hoping he'll talk back, hoping the light in his eyes will tell me something, bring me some comfort. And every time I realize I won't ever get to see that smile in person again, I die a little inside.

I remember doing a birthday post for Jer last year. I went back to read it, and remembered writing it. I very impatiently waited for him to come home from plowing all day, so that the kids and I could shower him with love and gifts. We had a snow day and he was so bummed that he ended up gone all day working. And I was proud of him for working so hard for our family. I remember looking through pictures of us, finding the perfect ones to convey what I wanted to say. And I remember hoping he'd read it so he knew how much I loved him and was thinking about him on his special day.

Today, the kids and I are gonna try and keep it pretty low key. It's gonna be a tough day, but we decided to try and make it special still for Daddy. We're gonna make him some pictures, write him some letters, and possibly go to the Fishy Store (Bass Pro), because it makes them think of Daddy. Truth be told, they're right on the money, cause I'm pretty sure that's where Daddy would want to go on his birthday anyway.

Thursday, we're gonna get together with some friends to honor Jer with a feast of some of his favorite foods. I will be making my most popular 'Jeremy pleasers' - Blueberry pie and Butter tarts. I'm thankful to be able to be around those closest to Jeremy, because it makes me feel closer to him.

Happy Birthday, Baby.
I love you more than words, and I so desperately wish you were here to celebrate your life with us. The kids and I miss you so much, and we want to shower you with our love.
Our hearts are hollow without you right now.
We miss your presence, your smile, and your love.
Hope you're enjoying your celebration in Heaven today, you deserve something Grand.
I love you forever and always.



22 comments:

Delaney said...

Your posts are beautiful but so hard for me to read. My heart is truly breaking for you... I am sorry that you are going through this...


You really are in my prayers at night.

Life's a Batch said...

Happy Birthday to your Jeremy! I pray that he feels your love, and I'm certain my prayer will be answered.

Tamara Johnson said...

I'm so sorry that you have to live through today without him. You and the kids were the reason for that smile. How many times did he post on Facebook how blessed he was to have you as his wife in one way or another? I remember he wrote that he would be "lost without you" and "thank God for Vee." I hope that knowing how amazingly happy you made him can be a comfort to you. It is if you lived in a concentrated way; that much love in such a short time vs how so many live; loved that's stretched out throughout time that waxes and wanes. You were the smile on his face. He made that clear to everyone he knew. God bless you guys. We are praying for you especially hard today.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Enjoy celebrating and remembering! I'm sure anything you did for him was a "Jeremy pleaser." *Hugs and prayers!*

m&msmommy said...

Happy Birthday to a man that I never knew, but was clearly amazing!!! Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings. I continue to pray for you daily. My heart aches for you, and I can't even imagine an ounce of your pain, but I hope prayers being lifted for you and your beautiful children help a teeny tiny bit.

Love and prayers,
Christina

Ashley said...

Happy Birthday Jeremy! Praying for comfort for you and the children today!!!

Kim said...

Today would be my grandpa's 94th birthday, and now I will always remember Jeremy on this day too. I knew he was around my age, but he was only 5 days older than me. I'll be 32 on the 27th. Praying for you and thinking of you always!

Deanna said...

Happy birthday to your sweet husband. I'm praying for you!

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you and your family. I can only hope that you see the light you are looking for in your children's eyes. Your gifts from Jeremy. Praying and always thinking of you and your family.

Sarah Hannon said...

What a great way to honour and keep on remembering Jer.
The butter tarts sounds so yummy :)

Katie said...

Wow. Hoping you'll find comfort in celebrating his wonderfulness today!

Tish said...

Veronica,
I was thinking of you as soon as I woke up and I'm sitting here sobbing my eyes out as I write this. My heart just hurts for you and the kids. I wish I could magically take away your pain and tell you everything will be fine but I can't. All I can do is pray which I see alot of people are doing for you and I know God hears those prayers. And even though we don't understand why this happened it comforts me to know Jeremy lived for God and is in heaven and someday you will meet again. His example in life makes me want to be a better Mother,Wife,Daughter, Sister and Christian. I realize now more than ever life is like a blink of an eye and how thankful we should be for our loved ones. You showed that everyday with your appreciation to your marraige and life with Jeremy and that is more than most people can ask for in a lifetime. Dad and I are so proud of you and we want you to know how much we love and appreciate you and the kids. We feel so blessed to have you as our Daughter and we will love you eternally! Love Mom

Kim said...

I know I keep saying it, but really it's true. I'm always thinking of you and praying for you. Always.

Anonymous said...

Ive been missing Jeremy a lot today. Especially after the snow storm. One of my favorite things about Jeremy was on these days when I would see him working around campus as I was going to and from my own route for Greshams. We would stop and talk about the weather, debate snow days, get mad at bad parking jobs, and debate who we should plow in on purpose. Then maybe grab a quick lunch together. However, the one point of conversation that ALWAYS came up, was how he couldn't wait to be done and get home to his family. I always looked up to Jeremy for his work ethic and for the love he had as a father and husband. Ive never known a man who could be so gung ho manly, yet have the biggest soft side for the ones he loved. Happy Birthday Jeremy, We Love you!

Duncan

The Better Baker said...

Your sweet post sure tugged at my heart! Bless you all and may God's amazing grace cover you in a big way today. No doubt, Jesus is helping Jeremy celebrate his birthday today! Love & Prayers to you all!

Allyson & Jere said...

Happy Birthday to your Jeremy.
You are truly are an amazing woman, and I hope YOU feel the comfort and peace you seek today.

A couple years ago, shortly after our good friend died unexpectedly, we all gathered and had a huge birthday dinner/party for him. It was fun and cathartic at the same time. I hope yours is the same.

Anonymous said...

It's so unfair that loss is overshadowing a day of celebration. I love the idea of having a day all about his favourite foods, what a GREAT idea! I hope you found some moments to share some laughs, exchange memories and stories, and keep his spirit alive in the room. I'm sure he's sitting up there drooling over the spread, and his heart is overflowing with love for you and everyone there.

Hang in there... we're all reminded to love more, and cherish EVERY single day.

deardarl said...

Hugs honey, and happy birthday Jer.

It was my husband's birthday on Feb 23. I didn't remind the kids that it was Daddy's birthday as we are coming up to 1 year since he was killed next Tuesday and it's all too much at once. Not to mention that we met 18 years ago on Feb 6 ....

It's all so unfair.

Summertime said...

You are an amazing woman and I hope to keep fighting like you although I'm heartbroken everyday. You give me hope while reminding me it's okay to hurt and grieve and be real. Jeremy couldn't have had a more amazing bride. Happy belated birthday Jeremy.

Phil 1:3

Elizabeth said...

I just have to tell you that the number 222 means "Keep The Faith". I have been seeing this number a lot for the last 2 years and when I looked it up, I found that. =]

widowisland said...

Vee, your story brings me back to my early days after my husband died. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I remember looking at pictures, listening to voicemails and any, any recording or image I could...all I wanted was to be with him again. Your posts are so honest and so raw...they bring back my own images of those early days. I know nothing helps, but know I have made it nearly 6 years without my love and am still here...I still miss him and can hardly believe he's gone...but I'm still here...trying to be a testament to our love and our family.
Hang in there Vee. I wish I could say it will get easier...but, well, love survives.

Desi said...

Happy birthday, Jer! Your life lives on through your wife and kids... we all get to know you through her beautiful words.

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