Missin' my Valentine

Our 5 year anniversary

To my Valentine:

I, in my naivety, never really understood how painful Valentine's Day could be for so many people. I mean, I used to be one of those 'I hate Valentine's Day because I'm single' people long ago, but always looked forward to the day when I could share it with someone.

I realized today that you're the only person I've ever actually celebrated Valentine's Day with.

I was also one of those people who annoyed the rest of the world with my love for the hallmark holiday once I had a reason to celebrate it. Do you remember our first Valentine's Day? I spent a week prior in my dorm room cutting out hundreds of hearts and writing different reasons why I loved you on half of them. You had saved my life, and I couldn't wait for the opportunity to celebrate and share my love and appreciation for you. And you were so sweet, not really knowing how to be overly romantic, locked yourself in your room for the day and wrote a song for me on your guitar and sang it to me that night. You were so nervous to sing it to me, it was the cutest thing. That's the only time I got to hear it, you never did record it. But it's burned into my heart.

Every year since then, I've found a way to use those hearts on Valentines Day. I kept them in an envelope and every year, I'd add new reasons why I love you on the empty hearts. I remember one year, when we lived in the town house, I got up at like 4:30am, drove to Meijer to buy a bunch of balloons and stuff to make you breakfast and new lingerie (the only time I think I've ever purchased any for myself btw), and made a trail from our bed all the way downstairs to the kitchen with the hearts. Other years, I'd have them just spread out all over our room with candles lit to set the mood. Hey, I knew it was cheesy, but it was cheap. And it was all we needed. The last two years or so, we didn't do much to celebrate because we had no money, so we'd inevitably end up snuggled on the couch together watching Friends while the kids slept. And it was just as romantic because that was my favorite place to be.

And now I have to endure my first Valentine's Day with a completely broken heart. I thought I'd had a broken heart before but I would endure that any day of the week over this pain. And it's not the day that matters. I will likely avoid Facebook and all the mushy stuff everywhere, even though I used to contribute - it's just too hard to face still. It bugs me that people still get to celebrate with their loved ones, just as much as it bugs me when people bicker about their loved ones or don't appreciate what they have. I hate that I had to lose you to make other people realize how good they have it.

This year for Valentine's Day, I know that there would be many more reasons I love you to add to my hearts:

I love the way you love me pregnant.
I love how hard you work for our family.
I love watching your passion in music grow.
I love watching you lead worship - it's the sweetest and sexiest thing ever.
I love how you love our children, they couldn't ask for a better daddy.
I love how you take care of me and the kids. Our rock and protector.

I know they're present tense, I can't face the past tense yet - and I know it's what I would say to you this year. Even though we've had ups and downs in our relationships, I'm so thankful that I can't remember a fight we've ever had that lasted through the end of the day. I'm thankful for the marriage we shared, I don't know that I could ever find that again, or would ever want to. I knew when I found you that God had meant you for me, and I feel so broken and hurt that it got ripped out from under me. 

I'm still in so much pain, baby. Now that I have nothing else to focus on surviving, I find myself lost in misery and having to face a reality I never signed up for. I still don't understand why this is happening. Even if I didn't deserve you, I know our precious children did and they just shouldn't have to learn at such a young age how horrible life can really get. 

I don't want a pity party on Valentine's Day. I don't want to ruin everyone else's day. I just want you back. I just want to lay in your arms, feel you breathe, feel comforted for just a moment, I'm starting to forget the feeling. I miss you, I ache for you every day. 

I. Hate. This.

I am now the "I hate Valentine's Day because it's a reminder of everything I've lost and the love I no longer get to have" girl. I don't want to be this girl, she's so very sad and pitiful.

I miss you more than I could ever convey in words. I wish there were more ways to say it so it's strength wasn't lost in how often I say it, but I miss you. With everything I have, I miss you. With everything I know, I miss you. With everything I am, I miss you.

I love you, Valentine.


Courtney said...

Praying for you today. Xo

trininista said...

Vee...you have lots of people wanting to be your Valentine today. Praying for you today. Happy Love Day - lots of love from me.

Jill said...

Thinking of you today.

Christy Blessing said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this as well. It is a tough day. Hold your babies close to you. I am with my daughter. I agree with you on this. It's a tough day to be without your loved one. Just waiting for it to be over, along with all the cheesy commercials.
I pray that with time, things will heal.

Christy Blessing

Ashley said...

Praying for you today.

Glenda said...

Thinking of you and the kiddos. Hug them each and feel Jeremy's love through them. XO

K Blue said...

Special hugs and prayers for you today...

Tricia said...

Hello, Vee -

You do not know me, but your blog was recommended to me in my RSS feed a few weeks ago. Your family's story has really touched me and I'm truly sorry for your loss.

I don't know if you've listened to this song since Jeremy's death, but I think it could really encapsulate what you're feeling right now. When I've lost someone, music is what is usually able to bring me back out of the sadness. I hope this song is able to help you in some small way.


Tricia K.

Tricia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Sounds like you all had great Valentine's Days and good memories of them. Praying for you today and every day Vee-hugs and prayers!

Anonymous said...

No words can help easy your pain and i'm sorry for that. But thank you for your honesty and willingness to share the deep stuff with us strangers and your friends and family. Many of your post have gotten me through some dark days recently. Thank you

Kendra said...

i just wanted to let you know vee,that ive gotten to where i check to see if you've written a new blog,before i do anything else on the internet..to check on you & your babies..& know you are ALWAYS in my thoughts & prayers..we may not know each other personally,but your story has touched my heart. i wish the very best for you & your beautiful babies. if you ever need anything,im here! much love!

Kim said...

Thinking of and praying for you, always.

Anonymous said...

I know your pain far too well. I promise you will dance again. And one sweet day this blink of a life will end and you and your lover and your babies will dance forever together at the feet of our Jesus. Be strong Vee. I am praying and will pray for an opportunity for you and your babies to laugh together like never before so that for a moment you might feel the true joy of the Lord and the strength to keep on keepin on.


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