2.11.2011

Whirlwind

I've been writing this post since Tuesday, it's been hard to muddle through it and write it all out:




The last three days have been quite a whirlwind. I don't know how I've maintained this unexplainable calm (which really on the inside, I don't feel calm, more like numb) other than feeling like Jeremy is watching over me and taking care of me, allowing me to get through all this. 


The morning of the 8th, I shot out of bed early and felt panic start to set in all morning. When I got into Triage and the nurse gave me my gown and asked me to undress, I sat in the bathroom for a minute just shaking with tears. I half jokingly asked the nurse if they could put me to sleep for the surgery and she started to explain why they couldn't do that and I wouldn't want to miss it anyway. Then, I felt bad and felt the need to explain myself, and burst into tears. As did she.


When Mum and Sarah finally met me in the Triage room, I had composed myself a little. Their presence gave me some strength and they helped ease the tension and lighten the air in the room. They were a good distraction for awhile. I just wish they didn't have a reason to be there in the first place.


When I got on that operating table, I did not expect the wave of emotions that overcame me. I wanted to be strong, but instead I started freaking out, and I was literally using every once of energy I had in me to not shake and sob uncontrollably. Tears fell quickly out of panic. I was so scared, and I wanted to scream out so badly. I was trying not to sob so violently that I would shake my body and they wouldn't be able to do anything. All the nurses and doctors were trying to calm me down, rubbing my back and shoulders, assuring me I was going to do great. And all I wanted to do was scream "I need my husband here!"

They laid me down on my back immediately after the spinal anesthetic was given. One of the nurses came around to my head, and grabbed my hand and that's when I started to go numb....my body AND my emotions. She let me hold the teddy bear Jer gave me in one hand and I squeezed him so tight. I could sense Jer calming me and heard his voice in my head telling me it was going to be okay. I don't know how to explain it - it was calming and nervewrecking all at the same time. I still wanted to scream out, but somehow I was able to keep it inside even though my head was spinning. Finally, they called for my mother-in-law to come in and she grabbed my hand, wiped away some tears, and I closed my eyes.

I kept my eyes closed. The next few minutes are really unexplainable to me, because I really just went numb everywhere. I remember almost falling asleep, because I just wanted to wake up and have a baby so I didn't have to deal with it all.

Then something amazing happened. At 9:17am, they pulled Carter out, pulled the curtain down, and laid him on me - right smack against my cheek - goop and all. I never got to even touch our other two children when they were born since I was laying down, so it was a neat experience to get to feel him slimy, warm, and brand new. Jeremy's mom got to cut the cord, and tears came again. 





While I waited for surgery to be done, so many things were swirling around in my head: 


The sounds of Carter's beautiful cry, 
watching the nurses take pictures for us and put his footprints on all my baby books, 
Mum telling me she was sorry and kissing my forehead, 
the doctors calling out stats and medical terms, 
nurses telling me what to expect next,
me internally calling out Jer's name, asking God why he had to miss it.


So much was happening. And yet, it was just an undertow below the numbness I was feeling, not really thinking anything and thinking everything at once. 



















------


Fast forward, and I'm still hanging on even better than I expected. I think I'm just trying not to think about it all, cause it's a little overwhelming to face the reality of all this. I have found that I'm not able to really talk to Carter about his Daddy without crying, but I guess I didn't really expect to. And whenever I can't get through it, I just end like a broken record, telling him how much I loved his Daddy and I know he would too.




One thing that does make me very happy to say is that I'm head over heels for my new little man. The resentment I feared might creep in just simply has not. Praise God. I've found that I just don't ever want to put him down once I have a hold of him. Like I'm holding on to the last little traces that Jeremy left behind. It helps that he is the sweetest little thing and thus far has been a dream baby. I think I deserve that. I'm so thankful for the help I have here from my sweet Sarah, who has been doing so much with my older two and allowing me the time I've been craving with Carter. Along with help from many others. I'm just trying to soak up the first glimpses of pure joy I've felt in my heart in 3 months. They come and go so quickly.


Right now, I'm just trying to live today, because tomorrow seems like too much to ask for. And today, for the first time in awhile, is okay.

34 comments:

Nicole said...

What a blessing, that sweet Carter!

Zookeeper Jess said...

Thinking and praying, always. <3

The Dayleys said...

Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing once again. Carter is such a beautiful boy! Congratulations once again and best of luck in the coming days.

Brooke Simmons said...

So, so happy for you!

Sarah Hannon said...

I knew Jer would be with you!
your always on my mind, praying always.

Lisa said...

Congratulations on your handsome little man! :)

Anonymous said...

I recently started reading your blog and I think your honesty is amazing and heart breaking at the same time. I can never imagine being in such a place as you are now, but I read your last post about how you left having a 3rd baby up to God and were hurt he betrayed you. I would feel exactly the same way, but from an outsiders point of view, I think in that one act alone God had you in mind and gave you the exact blessing you needed. He is so precious! I hope his smiles can help you through each day. Praying for you!

Kimberly said...

Such a sweet little child. Bless you and your family!

The Better Baker said...

Oh so blessed to read about this experience. I've been following you just a short while, and haven't commented because my heart's just been too full. I will share more of my heart later...but for now, I just want to say Congrats and God bless each of you...as I know He is. God has very special plans for little Carter and your family. And you, Vee, are stronger than you could ever imagine! You are always close in my thoughts and prayers.

BeeMore said...

Your expressions are so real and touching. I feel like I'm aching and celebrating with one of my closest friends. I am so thankful that Carter is here and bringing you joy. Just know that God is still close through it all and I am praying for you and your family. <3

The Domestic Engineer said...

It makes my heart so happy to know that you are enjoying yourself and Carter, even through the sorrow.

He sure is one sweet blessing.

Kristin said...

Beautifully written...may the joy continue!

Kristin said...

Beautifully written...may the joy continue!

Ashley said...

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Jackie said...

I agree so much with the anonymous comment above....I completely understand you not understanding why God allowed this to happen as it did (I would be in the same boat as you), but at the same time that He knew exactly what He was doing in allowing this last "link" with your husband. I know you know this, but God doesn't make mistakes and He is certainly not a God of coincidences either. You are going to do wonderful and you will surprise even yourself.

So glad everything went smoothly with Carter's arrival and that you could feel Jeremy's presence helping you through. Enjoy lots of snuggles with your new little love.

Anonymous said...

Hoping your 'okay' days begin to come more often. Praying for all the Kings.

sherene said...

Oh sweet carte..so precious Vee.:))

Courtney said...

Been thinking about you and your family during these last few days. Hold on tight to that baby!

Jessie's Girls said...

Veronica,

I'm so glad you are experiencing some joy in Carter's arrival.
I hope you will be able to take advantage of all the help you will need in the next weeks and months. I am sure there are so many people around you that are just anxious to help you, and make sure you get to experience the joy of getting to know Carter without the extra burden of caring for him yourself. This is definitely your time to be upheld by God's family, so don't ever hesitate to ask for help!
Praying for you that you will be rested, comforted, and surrounded by love.

tiffany said...

You are amazing. And Carter is perfect.

Christine said...

Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy! God Bless!

Amy said...

He's a beautiful little boy, Vee! I love that they placed him right on you! What a beautiful thing.

he is the tiniest and biggest blessing. Congrats, momma!

Donna said...

I wondered if Carter's looking so much like Jeremy would be a blessing or a suffering...sounds like he is a blessing all around! Thank you, Jesus! You deserve to have joy return to you...

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Thank you for sharing this story Vee! He's beautiful. Hugs and prayers!

Melissa said...

What a sweet little soft bundle of love!

Glenda said...

God had bigger plans for you. Don't lose faith and hope. Praying for you and the kiddos. Thanks for sharing your story and pictures. Enjoy today. Baby steps at a time and I pray that your "okay" days are more often.

Angie said...

Carter is such a wonderful blessing for you. I agree with some of the other comments above - God has plans for you! Keep hope, Mama, and breathe in each and every moment of those precious newborn days. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Bring on those "okay" days!!

Kolein said...

You are a beautiful mother.

xo
~Kolein

Anonymous said...

It's so wonderful to hear that you are feeling so good and he is a good little boy so far! He will bring some comfort and joy to you and your family in these difficult times. And keep you occupied as well. :) Take care, Lisa

audra said...

i'm so happy carter is bringing some peace to you and your family! no one deserves it more...

Ashley said...

I'm so glad everything went smoothly. Baby Carter is just the sweetest little baby. I can see why you can't put him down or get enough of that sweet little thing.

Karen Peterson said...

I'm so glad you're hanging in there, Vee. Carter is just so precious!

Congratulations.

Desi said...

So glad you are doing better! Carter is beautiful, I love the last pic. You amaze me.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails