2.07.2011

This is it


This is really gonna happen.

I'm gonna have a baby alone, without the one who helped me make him. Without my rock, without my support. I know other people will be around to support me, and I'm thankful, but it's not the same.

It will never be the same.

I feel like if I can just get through tomorrow, it'll be ok. Everything is painful anyway, and I know watching Carter grow and reach milestones without his Daddy there to witness will be hard, but this hurdle seems like the biggest to survive: bringing a life we created into the world alone. That's not how it's meant to be.

I've not shared this story with many people as to not misconstrue my love and desire for Carter, but it makes a lot of this make sense (not that any of this really makes any sense):

I was done having kids after two. But Jeremy was never quite sure he wanted to be done yet. After we found out my sister-in-law was pregnant with her fourth, and me thinking she was crazy, it really sunk in how selfish I was. On the drive home from Canada one night, I lost it. I felt this heavy weight on my heart knowing that I didn't want any more kids because it would be inconvenient for my life. Jeremy and I spent the entire 4 hour trip talking about it, crying about it, praying about it. We decided we'd see how things went, and leave it in God's hand.

We tried once.

The next morning, I decided that if I wasn't pregnant, I didn't want to keep trying to get pregnant. If I was, great, but I was really content with our sweet little family of 4. But, deep down I knew I was pregnant (we discovered it was my most fertile day of the month). And even just the possibility of it scared me a little, but knowing Jer was by my side made it worth it, and made me excited to have another child with him. We made a pretty great team.

I waited on pins and needles to take a pregnancy test. I took it a few days early, in fact. I picked one up on my way out to see Jeremy one morning at work. Our tradition was always that I'd take the test, he'd read the results. I stopped at the college, peed on a stick in the gymnasium bathroom, and brought it out for him to read...while my heart was pounding out of my chest.

I wish I could describe the look on his face when he read it. I haven't been able to get it out of my head. His eyes wide, his smile crooked and growing wider, he said "We're gonna have a another baby."

I instantly burst into tears.

Jer lovingly reassured me that everything was gonna be ok. But they weren't tears of sadness. I was never sad, just overwhelmed. I cried because of Jeremy's excitement. I cried because of my own excitement. I cried because I was scared but so looking forward to walking this journey again with him. He was pretty good about treating me like a princess, but it was so magnified when I was carrying his child, and I was selfishly looking forward to him doting on me again. He loved me pregnant.

Jer used to tell me I was crazy for saying that labor was my favorite part of pregnancy. But, it was. It's intimidating, and extremely painful, but it was the most incredible experience we'd ever shared together, and nothing has ever brought us closer. Bonding with him in that way is one of my most cherished memories.

Jeremy was a man's man. Rough and tough hunter and fisher, smelly, inappropriate, and very stubborn....but inside he was just a big teddy bear. And that never showed more than when I was bearing his children. He was always so nervous about labor because he worried so much about me (I had some close calls with both deliveries), but I never worried. It's hard to explain, but I waited 9 months to share that day with him.

And now, looking back, it just infuriates me. That one night of uncharacteristic vulnerability where I decided to give up all control to God now almost feels like a slap in the face. I trusted you, and this is what happens? You allow me to conceive knowing I would have to raise this child alone? Why do I have to trade one life for another?


Don't misunderstand, I love Carter unconditionally already. I can't wait to hold him in my arms and I know that my greatest responsibility in life is to care for innocent lives that Jeremy created with me. And I am honored to be the mother of his children. However, in hindsight, knowing I'd have to do this alone, I wouldn't have even considered it. I did it because of Jeremy, even for him. And I can share this because I think it's safe to say that no one would voluntarily choose to raise three kids alone.

And now, thinking about labor has the complete opposite effect on me. I already feel so lonely, and I'm terrified to get through this. I'm angry that I won't be able to see Jeremy's face when Carter arrives. I'm heartbroken that I can't hold his hand and feel his excitement, to watch that look of awe in his eyes when he lays them on his son. I feel resentful that Carter will never get to share that bond with his Daddy, never have even the smallest memory of him. On my own, I am such a bad representation of what we were together. And I feel like my kids are getting cheated out of that, especially Carter. My heart hurts for him already.

My body is so ready to be done with this. And I'm ready to see my little man. I've never been so ready and yet so unprepared for anything in my life.

Please continue to pray that redemption will be found tomorrow, even in the slightest way, for this bittersweet day. That love will be in abundance, and strength will be provided.

And pray, please pray, that Jeremy will meet us there.

56 comments:

Birdie said...

I'm praying for you guys. Imagining what you are going through, wow...I just, I know that you're so incredibly strong, and that you will continue to be for Carter. Nobody should have to do what you're doing. It is unfair and I think, absolutely terrifying. My heart breaks for you. Congratulations on the baby, though. I get the feeling he'll bring you unimaginable comfort. I wish you all the best. Lots of love from Ohio

Renea Flaishans said...

Our prayers are with you and Carter both!

widowedowl said...

Life is so crazy. So much love and so much pain.

Thinking and praying for you and baby Carter tomorrow!

Me and You, Just Us - Two. said...

I have been and will continue to pray for you and your family.

trininista said...

Everytime I read your entries, I feel your pain. But you also have an amazing amazing strength as well. You will get through this. And your husband will always be with you...as long as his love and memory live in your heart.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

That doesn't seem to make any sense at all but we all just have to trust that God has a plan for each of us. As I struggle with infertility, I keep telling myself that daily, God has a plan, God has a plan. Good luck to you tomorrow Vee. Prayers and hugs always!

Anonymous said...

I feel for you...you will find the strength within and from Jer watching over you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

rsobering said...

The many tears I have shed for someone I don't know personally is unbelievable to me. If I cry just reading your feelings I cannot begin to imagine what it like to live it. I have been praying for you and thinking of you daily and will pray that everything will go well tomorrow and that you will feel your love beside you while you bring your precious son into the world.

Christine said...

Prayers for you!!

Amanda said...

Jeremy WILL be there tomorrow...looking straight at you when you hold your precious boy.

I am not very good at the whole praying thing but tomorrow, for you and your family, I will.

(((hugs))) friend. xo

LisaAnne said...

I will pray for you all day today. I have a sticky note on my computer screen to remind me to pray often for you throughout the day today.

There is no way to change your grief and how unfair this is. If only we could see God's divine plan to know why he "refines us with fire" this way.

I hope you feel all of the prayers and love that everyone will be covering you in today, tomorrow and as you continue parenting alone.

~Amber~ said...

Oh Hun! I am crying so hard for you right now! Please know that SO many of your readers, including me, will be with you in spirit tomorrow. You will get thru this. Know that Jeremy will be watching over you. He will be there. Know that Carter, although coming into the world without his daddy physically present, he is being born into a world where he already has his own angel looking out for him. You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly, but more so tomorrow. You and all 3 of your amazing children are so loved and so thought of and prayed for by so many. Hugs!

Julianne said...

I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago and have been keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers ever since. You are a truly gifted writer, and your children are so lucky to have such a strong woman as their mother.
Good luck to you and Carter tomorrow. I'm sure your husband will be there with you every step of the way.

Anyes said...

Jer will be there with you, and in your heart for tomorrow's delivery. My prayers and strengthening energy are with you from afar. Thinking of you all always.

Glenda said...

Praying that you will have a smooth delivery...that Jeremy will be there with you and be your strength. Best to you and Carter! XO

Leah said...

You are in my prayers.

Lacey said...

Vee,
I believe with every ounce of me that Jeremy will meet you there tomorrow. Though it won't be the same, and it can never be be what your heart really desires, he'll be there. I pray that you'll somehow be able to feel his presence and love surrounding you and Carter. I love your honesty in this post, and I imagine I'd feel similar if I were about to start another journey alone. Not only do you have the journey of widowerhood, but your walking the path of a single mother too.

Elliott and I were going to try and start our family this year. He always wanted children a little more than I did. What I really wanted was to see him as a father, because I knew he'd be amazing. I also imagined being pregnant as an awesome experience because I knew he'd be a doting husband just like Jeremy. After El was killed I secretly hoped that maybe I could be pregnant. Of course I wasn't, and it was disappointing, but probably for the best.

Anyway, I'm sure you never imagined you could feel so many contradicting emotions simultaneously. I know it's exhausting, overwhelming, heartbreaking, happy, exciting and scary all wrapped up together.
I just pray that you have a little peace and that you are able to find a moment of quiet, where your heart and soul are calm. And in that moment I pray you'll feel him.

Sending you lots of love, hugs, and support <3

Nancy P said...

I don't know much right now but what I do know is you will be an incredible mother to Carter just like you are to your other children.
You are not a bad representative of what you were together - you are an incredible, honest, woman. Not only were you lucky to have Jeremy and his love BUT Jeremy was lucky to have you and your love. You feel together you were invincible - you still have that strength to draw from. To have love that strong and special will help you through.

from C to C said...

My heart just aches for you. You are such a strong woman, praying for you that all goes well tomorrow and thank you for continuing to share your life story.

Sarah Hannon said...

I'll be praying!
Haven't stopped.
xoxo

Melissa said...

I can't imagine how tough this is. I am praying and thinking of you. Tomorrow will be hard but also a beautiful day.

Missy said...

This must be so hard. I will definitely be praying for you. And I know that you already know this, but Jesus can be everything for you that you needed Jeremy to be. So He will be with you during it all. I hope that you will still be able to experience the joy of seeing Carter for the first time.

Christy Blessing said...

Someone had sent me your blog and I would love to connect with you. I too lost my husband, July 22nd, 2010, while I was 6 months pregnant. He died of a heart attack at the age of 34. I have my little girl on November 9th, 2010. I also have a blog, but would love to connect on facebook or email if you are interested in speaking with someone who is going through something similar.

I wish you the best of luck during delivery. You will have an angel watching over every minute.

Love,

Christy and Olivia Blessing
blessthisfamily2010.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I Love You!!

Kelly said...

Vee, I have been checking in on your blog since your tragedy first happened. I pray for you and your family often. I am always so impressed by your heartfelt writing, yet sad for your circumstances.
I am a mother of two and my husband and I aren't planning on having another. However, there is a part of me that sometimes regrets that I will never experience pregnancy and childbirth again. I agree that even though it is painful, it is such an amazing experience. I pray that you will be able to savor the moments as little Carter enters the world.
I believe, as you do, that this baby is a gift to you. Caring for a baby (well any age) is incredibly challenging though, and I cannot imagine doing it as a single mother. I have to also believe that God has a plan for you and Carter. It may be hard to see it on those sleep deprived days...but there will be those simple things (like a baby giggle) when you will realize it is all worth it!
I also believe Jeremy will be looking over you and your children tomorrow and always. He will be so proud of you for carrying on without him to give your children the best of yourself.
Can't wait to see pictures! My little guy is 8 months now and it is so much more fun to get up in the morning when there is a baby waiting!

Christy Blessing said...

I would love to connect with you by either email or facebook.
I too lost my husband to a heartattack at 34, while i was 6 mos pregnant. Olivia Marie Patrick Blessing was born on 11/9/10.

Best of luck and prayers,
Christy Zimmerman Blessing
blessthisfamily2010.blogspot.com

Christy Blessing said...

I would love to connect with you by either email or facebook.
I too lost my husband to a heartattack at 34, while i was 6 mos pregnant. Olivia Marie Patrick Blessing was born on 11/9/10.

Best of luck and prayers,
Christy Zimmerman Blessing
blessthisfamily2010.blogspot.com

darcie said...

I am thinking of you & praying for you...I pray that He will give you the strength you need to move forward & open the next chapter of you life...even if it is so terribly different from how it is supposed to be. xoxoxo

megan said...

Man.
Well, he will be there, but not in the way you want, or need, or he should be. And all of us will be there, in our own energies, and most of us should have no reason to know you at this time. (well, I should speak for myself).
The smack from god - the one time of fully releasing control, and THIS is what you give me? This? Word, my friend. And, feeling like a bad representation of what the two of you were together? Yes ma'am. I feel the same, as representing M and I, even to myself.
But you will breathe, and you will reach out to him, and into yourself, and it will be done. The rest will be as it will.

much love.

Donna said...

Yes, I will. You are an amazing person....

white collar | green soul said...

I'll be thinking and praying for you all day tomorrow. Jeremy will no doubt there watching his Queen.
- agata.

Caley said...

You have all been on my heart, even more so the last few days. Won't stop praying for you.

Abby said...

I hope you feel Jeremy's presence all through tonight and tomorrow and forever. I know he wouldn't miss this! I'm excited for you! Can't wait to see some pictures of the beautiful boy... red hair???

Brooke Simmons said...

Definitely will say a prayer for you both...I hope it can be a beautiful experience for you in some way. I sent an email to your personal account too...thinking of you and your kiddos tonight!

Lucy Marie said...

Haven't stopped praying for you. Won't stop praying for you.

"Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand". Is 41:10

Vee - I will be on my knees in prayer for you many times through the day tomorrow, asking God to guard your heart, to grant you some kind of peace, and to bring sweet Carter into your arms safely. I am praying that you will feel His mighty, loving hand around you and your precious child.

You are making Jer proud.

Anonymous said...

Veronica, I will be praying for you. Love,
a friend

Cecilia said...

My daughter and I are praying for you. We have been for a while, but extra prayers will be sent up for you for the next few days. I'm positive Jeremy will be watching down on you.

Anonymous said...

Good luck tomorrow veronica, Carter is one lucky little man already to come into your family. Best of luck and know that we are all praying and thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

A stranger in California will be thinking of you tons and sending big prayers for you!

Anonymous said...

I have never met you but was asked to be praying for you through my cousin Kate Dunphy. My prayers will be with you during Carters birth and will continue to be with you during this. Laura Gibson

Anonymous said...

Prayers for you and your family. You are such an amazing person, and your words put things in perspective for me. I pray for you and your family!

Roger P Mulligan said...

aunt Rilla and I are loving you hurting with you praying for you all dreading with you hugging you. all the best tomorrow Veronica and God be with you and bless you and Carter as he enters this atmosphere...

Kristen said...

Vee... Thinking and praying for you and your family. I hope that all of the people that are thinking of you a little extra at this time, will be able to each take away a tiny bit of your pain. Although you may not see Jeremy, he will be with you always. He will be there for this amazing day and I believe you will feel his presence. You will be an amazing mom for the 3rd time with Carter. Can't wait to see picture of your new little guy with his big sister and big brother! Wishing you the very best - you certainly deserve it. You are so much stronger than you realize. Welcome to the world little King!

Jill said...

You're getting my prayers today. And I have no doubt that Jeremy will be there with you all the way. In a special way, Carter was so meant to be.

Zookeeper Jess said...

Praying. it's all I can do. I can imagine I would feel the same in your situation. It's just not fair :(

boyd2 said...

My friend and yours, Katy Travis, shared your story with me. Your blog post today is raw and beautiful. I'm so proud of you for putting it out there - your true feelings of faith put to the test. The rest of us need to read about Godly women who just feel irritated and frustrated with God sometimes. Thanks for being real.

larag1028 said...

Praying for you today!

erynn said...

Veronica,
The hardest thing for me after P's death was the 2 months in between leading up to my baby girl's birth. I had so much anxiety about doing it alone, without him. Why couldn't he be there to hold my hand, to hold my leg, to cut the cord, to see his baby girl? It was the worst feeling and I was so so scared. I pray you have a safe delivery, a health baby and a whole lot of courage and strength. It's one thing to loose the love of your life and it's another to have to give birth shortly after.

One thing I wanted to mention is to make sure you document and absorb all this time with Carter. I feel like I had so much going on when I had Reese and so many helping hands that I can't even remember much from that time. I feel like we really didn't bond the way Will and I bonded when I had him because I had some many people around to help me and I didn't have to do much {if that makes sense}. Her first 6 months are pretty much a blur to me and I feel like I really missed out. =(

Anonymous said...

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

Amy said...

I cried in the middle of my classroom as I read this. Your struggle is beautiful, and vulnerable, and I know that every time you articulate these thoughts it has to be breaking your heart, but letting the world read your pain and the way you're facing it has definitely made and impact on my relationship with God. I haven't spoken to you in years, but something happens every day to make me think of you, your kids, and Jeremy and pray for you. -Amy Stewart

Mindy said...

Thinking and praying of you today Vee. I know that Jeremy will be there watching over you to help you get through this and I know that he will be SO proud of you.

Andrea Renee said...

Thinking of you and Carter!

I can kind of understand how you feel about "trading one life for another" - I felt a little like that with my daughter...

Oodles of love and hugs for you.

Lisa B said...

I starting reading your blog in January (through Pennies on a Platter), and I've cried with you many times. You and your children have been in my heart and prayers so often, and especially today. May the grace and peace that surpasses all understanding fill your heart as you gaze upon the littlest member of the family created in the love of you and Jeremy.

Anonymous said...

Another stranger from Texas praying for you all day today.

Meeghan said...

Praying for you tonight...praying for a safe delivery.

Marisa Dragone said...

My heart breaks for you, and I understand all of your pain as I am going through a parallel misfortune. My husband of almost 17 years died two weeks ago and our third child is due next week. I am so worried about resentment, anger, feeling cheated... yet excited to meet this little angel of ours. How cruel that he or she will never feel their Daddy's arms around them, or have any photos taken together. Will I fall apart in the delivery room? Will I fall apart post-partum? How can I get through this?

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