Daddy and Caleb snuggling at the hospital - one of my favorite photos of them together

Today was an oddly difficult day. Every day right now is difficult, but out of nowhere, grief smacked me in the face hard enough that I had to pull over my vehicle because I couldn't see through my tears. An image popped into my head that punched me in the gut and left me feeling completely empty and hurt. I may share about that another day, that's not what I'm posting about today.

In the midst of my painful day, I found a reason to smile.

That's a big deal, because nothing about this awful journey has left me wanting to smile. Or even smirk. But for a moment, I smiled through my sobs.

You see, I have these little images I like to store in my head. Moments in life I take mental pictures of so I never forget. Images that fill my heart, small moments I've saved in my soul to capture different feelings. I've done it my whole life and I have so many of these moments I've stored away of Jeremy and I think about them constantly.

I used to try and describe this to him, and those snapshots. Some he remembered, others he didn't. Some moments, he didn't understand their significance to me. But that's why they became special to me...little mundane details of life that brought me joy and I never wanted to forget. But I always failed at describing those moments and what they meant to me:

Like us accidentally catching glimpses of each other before our ceremony on our wedding day.
Him standing beside me during labor with Faith
Jer falling asleep at the hospital with Caleb on his chest
A random dinner we shared at a Mr. Pita, laughing away
Jer all dressed up for a Valentine's Dinner with the first pink clothing he ever bought for himself - a tie - because it was my favorite color
The image of us curled up together on the couch for a nap one sunny afternoon
Us holding each other and sobbing together after our one and only really big fight.

The one I think about the most is the moment I feel in love with him, the exact moment I knew. It was completely insignificant to Jeremy probably, we were just sitting together outside on a step at Rochester College, talking about nothing probably. In the middle of our conversation, he stopped everything, gave me a look (the one that's stored in my heart forever, but I would never be able to actually describe it), and said "God, you're beautiful." And then kissed me. It wasn't him telling me I was beautiful (though it's always nice to hear) that got me. It was the genuine look on his face that he really had never seen anything better in his life. And at that moment my heart was so full and I thought, yep, he's the one. 

I smiled for a moment today realizing that I no longer have to try and describe those moments to him - he can see them, and feel them in my heart the way I do. Thinking about him seeing those moments the way I remember them filled my heart today....that love is the only feeling more powerful than the pain I live in now without him. He can finally understand something I've failed to put into words for him. I'm glad he finally gets to see my point of view.

And for a split second today, the gap between Heaven and my hell didn't exist.


sherene said...

The picture looks so sweet..Keep the memories and hang in there.
I'm praying for you and for ur little children.

Brooke Simmons said...

LOVE this! Great way to look at it...that they can now see what's in our hearts- I hadn't thought of it that way before.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

I love that picture too! That is such a great idea to take snapshots just for you. Thanks for sharing this idea Vee. *Hugs and prayers!*

Kim said...

That thought it amazingly beautiful! Just wanted to let you know.

Anonymous said...

For me the gap between heaven and our hell closes whenever I'm in church. God promises that whenever two or three are gathered together in His name He is there...and I believe that where God is, the entire company of heaven is. When I am in worship I am imagining the angels and archangels and the whole company of heaven present and worshipping with us. I hope that gives you comfort. He is with you in worship and there you two are together again.

Glenda said...

Beautiful memories... beautiful post.

Vicki said...

Beautiful, Veronica. This is especially moving. I'm so glad that you're able to find even the smallest amount of good among all the bad you've been dropped into. The days are mundane, I'm sure. It must be so hard to focus on the good things that still surround you... You've not only done that here, but you've taken it a step further and allowed yourself to be even the smallest bit happy for Jer and what he's experiencing now - especially the parts including you! :) I love you. xoxo

Kim said...

I pray you have more moments like this, Veronica.

Janet Hartford said...

Thank you for sharing. The waves of greif come at times least expected. I know... Thank you Veee for sharing. You are an amazing woman and I love your honesty but most of all, I love the way you love him. May God continue to give you strength each and every minute of the day.

Roger P Mulligan said...

good one Veronica. I have these too - some are snapshots and some are 15 second movies throughout my life. I'll tell you about one sometime.

Emily said...

Wow Vee...what a powerful post. I'm so glad you had that realization. It's pretty incredible to think about, and I'm thankful you shared it.

Tiffany said...

All of your posts are amazing, but this one is especially touching. You are such an inspirational woman--please know that your family is still in my prayers!


Missy said...

This is a very heartwarming post.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog since the day you found out your husband had passed away and I have cried each time I've read your posts.

Almost a month ago, Chad lost his wife Sara and his unborn daughter Miranda in a tragic car accident. Miranda was delivered shortly after the accident and sadly did not make it. As I read his posts and your posts, my heart breaks knowing that two amazing families have both lost someone they love so dearly.

Maybe you both can help each other out through the struggles of dealing with grief and loss. Through the good times and the bad times.

Here is the link to his blog-

Praying for you always! <3

Tiffany said...

That was a wonderful moment, hold on to it. I don't know exactly what heaven is like, but I have to believe that our loved ones don't just turn us off for something better - they still love us, still care, they still remember and share in those memories with us.

Keep hanging on honey. Still praying.

widowisland said...

I love this post. I have those moments in my mind too. I remember one day in my early grieving thinking that now Dave would know me better than he ever did...that in death, he would be able to see my life in its entirety. He could see all those moments who made me who I was and have a greater understanding of how deeply I loved him. Thanks for writing this.

white collar | green soul said...

This is really a beautiful thought.
- agata.


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