Daddy and Caleb snuggling at the hospital - one of my favorite photos of them together
Today was an oddly difficult day. Every day right now is difficult, but out of nowhere, grief smacked me in the face hard enough that I had to pull over my vehicle because I couldn't see through my tears. An image popped into my head that punched me in the gut and left me feeling completely empty and hurt. I may share about that another day, that's not what I'm posting about today.
In the midst of my painful day, I found a reason to smile.
That's a big deal, because nothing about this awful journey has left me wanting to smile. Or even smirk. But for a moment, I smiled through my sobs.
You see, I have these little images I like to store in my head. Moments in life I take mental pictures of so I never forget. Images that fill my heart, small moments I've saved in my soul to capture different feelings. I've done it my whole life and I have so many of these moments I've stored away of Jeremy and I think about them constantly.
I used to try and describe this to him, and those snapshots. Some he remembered, others he didn't. Some moments, he didn't understand their significance to me. But that's why they became special to me...little mundane details of life that brought me joy and I never wanted to forget. But I always failed at describing those moments and what they meant to me:
Like us accidentally catching glimpses of each other before our ceremony on our wedding day.
Him standing beside me during labor with Faith
Jer falling asleep at the hospital with Caleb on his chest
A random dinner we shared at a Mr. Pita, laughing away
Jer all dressed up for a Valentine's Dinner with the first pink clothing he ever bought for himself - a tie - because it was my favorite color
The image of us curled up together on the couch for a nap one sunny afternoon
Us holding each other and sobbing together after our one and only really big fight.
The one I think about the most is the moment I feel in love with him, the exact moment I knew. It was completely insignificant to Jeremy probably, we were just sitting together outside on a step at Rochester College, talking about nothing probably. In the middle of our conversation, he stopped everything, gave me a look (the one that's stored in my heart forever, but I would never be able to actually describe it), and said "God, you're beautiful." And then kissed me. It wasn't him telling me I was beautiful (though it's always nice to hear) that got me. It was the genuine look on his face that he really had never seen anything better in his life. And at that moment my heart was so full and I thought, yep, he's the one.
I smiled for a moment today realizing that I no longer have to try and describe those moments to him - he can see them, and feel them in my heart the way I do. Thinking about him seeing those moments the way I remember them filled my heart today....that love is the only feeling more powerful than the pain I live in now without him. He can finally understand something I've failed to put into words for him. I'm glad he finally gets to see my point of view.
And for a split second today, the gap between Heaven and my hell didn't exist.