3.31.2011

It could be worse...



...I could have lost my children, too.
...Jeremy could have suffered.
...he could have been much harder to find.
...he could have fallen farther from his stand and done more physical damage.
...he could have been doing something he did not enjoy when he died.
...the kids could have watched their daddy die.
...my friends could have abandoned me.
...Jer and I could have not had a great week together, and a great day together before he died.
...Jer could have died before we found out he was having a son, before he chose a name for him.
...he could have died before I knew I was pregnant.
...he could have died the day Carter was born.
...he could have been driving when his heart stopped and killed someone else.
...I could not have the best friends in the world.
...I could have been forced to go back to work right away.
...I could be forced into staying in this house, a house we're not safe in, that Jeremy hated.
...I could be feeling God's abandonment instead of His constant interceding.
...I could have not seen Jer all day that day. We could have had lunch separately.
...we could have been in a horrible marriage. I could have resentment.
...I could be angry with Jer for leaving.
...the kids could have forgotten their daddy, or stopped talking about him.
...the kids could be older and felt his death in a much more tangible way.
...the kids could be younger and not have any memories of their daddy.
...I could not have a relationship with his wonderful family.
...his family could have forgotten about me after the funeral.
...I could have a different church family. I could have been forgotten in the crowd.
...I could have already forgotten what he smelled like.
...the trauma could have severely affected Carter in the womb.
...Jer could have had skeletons in his closet.
...the kids could have not been able to see him all day that day.
...our last words exchanged could have been something other than "I love you."


I'm trying to write out some of these things to remind myself to be thankful, for I know deep down I am blessed. Even though I know in my head this could be much worse, my heart just doesn't believe it yet.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

very powerful.

not sure what else to say.

CathyVal said...

I am a lurker coming out of hidding to tell you that I am AMAZED at the strength you have! God has blessed you and I think your list you did today was well said. It's good to focus on the positive even though I know there is an empty spot. I can not even imagine what you must be going through but I admire the strength you have and the faith! I think it's great you have a blog to be a sounding board for yourself and later on down the road for you to look back on because what you are going through and your feelings are so real! I pray God give you peace and know that Jer is looking down on his beautiful family and I know he would be so proud of you.

A Nerd and A Free Spirit said...

Vee,

I know scripture commands us to mourn with those who mourn, as any pain felt in the body of Christ is shared with all of us. I am mourning with you today, even though I can't really imagine what you are going through. I just sat at work and sobbed. Thankfully I'm the only one here today.

I am so, so sorry. And I am praying for you and your beautiful family.

You sister in Christ,
Kathryn

A Nerd and A Free Spirit said...

PS - the Laura Story song "Blessings" made me think of you.... I'm sure you know, but if not, check it out.

~Kathryn

Anonymous said...

Absolutely incredible...even in the midst of your deepest heartbreak, you are able to see the good things. Please don't ever doubt your skills as a writer...your thoughts and feelings that you are sharing here are not only a wonderful way for you to begin healing for you but also a way that you are showing (or reminding) others that even in the worst moments..God is there. You don't know me...I don't know you either. But I knew jeremy because he was my brother's best friend. I hhavve pprayyed for you everyday and will continue. It may not be thhe roaad you chose but I know there are great things in store forr you as your words reach people's hearts

Losing Brownies said...

You are an amazing person.

Deanna said...

Amazing post. Praying for you!

Joannah said...

Yes, as awful as it is, it could be worse. I have reminded myself of this truth many times.

I'm so thankful that you know the Lord and that you are letting Him carry you through this. He will not fail you, and at the end of the road will be your Jeremy waiting to share Eternity with you and your children.

Kristin said...

What you have written is so powerful. Your mind knows this, but not yet your heart. I think I would probably feel the same way. Blessings to you, Vee. Keep on...

Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

It was probably hard to write this. To find the worse things to say. You are amazing!

Brooke said...

You are very strong, and have much to be thankful for, despite the hardship you are facing. Today, I'm thankful for being witness to both your strength and your weakness. They are both powerful, and your grace has such an impact, even when you feel like crumbling. Your posts remind me to be thankful for my own strengths, and to have more love and compassion for people in times of weakness so that they may again be strong.

Missy said...

What a fantastic post.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

This is a great post. I know it doesn't make it any easier but its amazing how much good can come from tough situations. *Hugs and prayers*

Glenda said...

Amazing post and even more amazing that you can see all the good from your worst moments. Stay strong and praying for you and the kiddos that you are blessed with brighter days.

Jackie said...

My heart just aches for you all the time. A good reminder...even how hard it still is. And even for those who are praying for you from great distances. Hang in there....

Anonymous said...

Veronica,

I just wanted you to know that I think of you constantly. I truly admire your courage. I can't phathom the pain you feel and I am sure we are only looking into the smallest window by reading your blog, because of this you are one of the first people out of my mouth when I pray. When I think of you and your children I think of the light the Lord talked so much about being.

Praying for you always.

Love,

Ashley Brennan

Rebekah said...

You are the most courageous woman I "know".

The Better Baker said...

How totally awesome that you recognize these good good things in your life. God is more than Wonderful and His amazing grace is truly obvious in you. Hang in there Dear Gal - you are an inspiration and God is shining through you and warming us. May He continue to keep you wrapped in His arms of love. Thanks for sharing this incredible list!

Autumn said...

what an inspirational post. i felt you with a lot of these. i feel so fortunate that things went better than what could have been.
although it is SO easy to reflect on the what ifs as well. so, this is a nice way to flip it around and be thankful.
perhaps i should also give this a try.
stay strong in the journey. i am here with you.

Brooke Simmons said...

It's funny you posted this because "it could be worse" has been the refrain in my head for days! It helps to keep it all in perspective. It also helps to give hope a foothold...

widowisland said...

your words are lovely and inspiring. I find that some days it is only my own whispering of one of those types of things, gratitude, is what makes it bearable...
thank you for sharing...hang in there.

Summertime said...

I think I need to make a list like this. You are constantly challenging me to keep going. You are strong because you make the choice to keep going for God, and for your children.

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog now since right before your sweet boy was born. A friend of a friend told me about you. I've experienced loss and reading your blog makes me feel "not alone."

I pray for you to be courageous today when you start to feel weak. God bless you and your sweet family.

Tiffany said...

You're doing exactly what you need to be doing, even if your heart doesn't believe it yet - that's ok. It's still healing.

Jenny said...

It takes a strong and brave woman to look at the blessings that accompany every tragedy. You have been blessed.

I will continue to pray for you to remain strong and brave.

Anonymous said...

I cant even begin to imagine how busy your life is, especially caring for baby Carter...but please Vee, dont stop writing! Praying for you.

Emily said...

Vee,
You don't know me but I know about your story. I'm from Roseville Church of Christ (I now live in CA) and started reading your blog shortly after I heard about your tragedy. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine going through that, as I'm sure no one can until it happens. I just wanted to let you know a) how inspiring you and your blog are, and b) what a gifted writer you are. The love that you and Jeremy had for each other comes through your words so strongly, and you express yourself so well. I know you've said you don't feel like you're as strong as people think you are, but it's evident in reading your blog that you are stronger than you know. Even though I don't know you, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much for sharing.

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