I am still here.
The truth is, I'm here almost every night, staring at a blank computer space, unable to make my fingers move. Every day, a million different things go on in my head that I want to write down, but I can't configure them into coherent thoughts when I sit to write. Even more than that, I sit and wonder if I really have anything to say that I haven't said already. I can find new adjectives, manipulate metaphors, use a thesaurus...but at the end of the day, it feels the same:
My husband is dead.
It still hurts like hell.
But this weekend I've had a couple of cool experiences that has given me a voice again. First of all, people have been writing me the last few days, wondering where I've been. It's nice to know that people like what I have to say and want to hear more from me.
Second was an encounter with Mark Duckworth, lead singer of the band Salient (check em out, btw). Mark and I have crossed paths several times, singing at the same events and hanging out here and there. This weekend, we were both singing for the youth rally at my home church (I with DeeperStill - the group my husband sang with, and Mark with his band) and we all went out after the event on Friday night. He approached me afterwords to thank me for my blog and FB postings to Jeremy and expressed an appreciation for my writing. Mark probably knows that I hear that often - which I do. I've been overwhelmed by the response that my story has received and people have expressed their appreciate for me sharing it many times. But what Mark probably doesn't know is that I really took it as a huge compliment from him as someone who has written some incredible music to note my writing, which in my opinion, is not that great. He encouraged me to keep writing and reminded me that there are so many people that I am still unaware of that are reading and praying for me. I guess I needed the reminder.
Next happened during church this morning. Without going into the entire sermon, since I could never do Patrick Mead justice by trying to recap his incredible lesson, I will say something struck me today. It was a combination of the sermon and something that was said during our Missional Moment today about finding our verb as a Community of God. We are not saved by our works but we do good works because we are saved, therefore we must put our faith into action by finding our verb. I've struggled with finding mine my entire life, and today it was as if a finger was tapping me on the shoulder and I heard it:
WRITE. That's your verb.
Everyone has a different verb, and I don't believe this will be mine forever, as I am not a writer (at least not a good one). But for now, in a season when I feel broken with nothing to offer, I felt God showing me a way to still somehow offer something in the midst of my weakness: My words. My story. My journey. As awful as it is for me right now, I know it's blessing others along the way.
One of my and Jer's best friends wrote me something a couple weeks ago that has been swirling in my head since. I hope he doesn't mind me sharing:
"I think that most people are numb to the fragility of life, and they go about in narrowly focused on their own lives, living in quiet desperation seeking real connection with people. Even with all the advancements in technology and more ways to connect electronically than we've ever had before, people still struggle to truly connect with another.
On a broad level I think that the genuineness of your writing, and sharing of yourself through these last months has people flocking to your posts in droves because your transparency creates the type of deep connection they so desperately crave. However wrong, right, weird, well intentioned, or wild it is, I watch people find connection and MEANING in your pain & happiness. Whether or not you're seeking it, that is a truly transcendant gift."
There you have it. This is certainly NOT the way I wanted to watch my blog grow, and how I wanted to make even the smallest impact on the world, and yet it's happening whether I like it or not. It's not a gift I asked for, but I will take it for now in hopes that it will reveal healing and purpose back into my life. I will continue to try to write through this mess I'm living in.
27 comments:
Keep on writing, I'm still reading! Writing can be such a healing power, I know it's always been mine. God Bless!
I for one am better for having found your blog. You write about the woman of faith that you are without making that your blog's only focus - and that is something I appreciate. You're sharing what you're going through and at the same time you're just being you, including telling all of us how your faith plays into this. Definitely keep it up.
Two things strike a chord with me about what you wrote. (Well, many more, I'm sure, but two that I wanted to tell you.)
With the release of Rob Bell's new book, Love Wins, I've enjoyed reading different discussions on hell. Noel Walker has a really interesting series on hell on his blog and while I read you saying that it hurts like hell, I thought that was as close to the physical reality of hell as you can come probably... Isolation from the ones that mean the most to you. All the pain and suffering that you can amass from being in a fallen world. No end in sight to it all. Thank God for Jesus and our invitation out of hell.
The other thing is that I've recently realized that the blessing is not always for me. When there is a difficult time or cirsumstance to work through, we often say that somehow God wants to bless us through it all. I'm certain He does, but I think sometimes the purpose is to bless others. You are definitely blessing so many people through your writing. More than you can know.
You have beautiful words, and a story to tell. I am praying for your family, your heart, your kids, for your healing....God is in and with you, always.
From a fellow Mama and Michigander, blessings to you.
Beth
I am one of those who always checks up on your blog because I feel the same way as the others that you mentioned in this post do. I always am shocked at how clearly you are able to put your feelings and emotions into words-that's something I've always struggled with.
Beyond your writing, I am so amazed that through all of your grief, you are still looking for a way you can serve. As much as you don't feel like the same person anymore, you still have a huge heart. Continue to write, and I will definitely continue to pray and read.
What Jer's best friend said is so true about your blog. It hurts me to read it and I don't even know you. Your pain that you put into words feel so real within me and my heart aches for you and your children. But reading your blog makes me stop an argument I was about to start, it makes me go back and get one last hug or kiss, it makes me nearly drop everything to be with the people I love as much as possible. The fragilness of life is on my heart and mind everyday. But there are times when I'll get mad, upset, ect and drift away from it throughout the day, but I think back to you and immediately stop in my tracks. I know you never meant to do anything but share your heart and even though it hurts to read, it is a magnet to draw me back when I start to drift too far off course.
Thank you for finding and sharing your verbs right now. I echo what so many have said. You are a phenomenal writer and we are all so blessed by your journey. Love you, friend.
I think you are a great writer and something speaks to my heart in every post. I'm not even going to pretend to know what you are going through, but every time I see your name, I personally send up a prayer for you and your little ones. I'm glad you are finding your verb here. I'll be reading often.
Veronica, I love your writing. I think your friend's message to you summed things up very well. I wanted to tell you yesterday how much it meant to see you singing with Deeper Still. How much it meant so see you still holding on to your faith. That is all the more meaningful because you have been so transparent about how hard this has been on you and how sometimes every breath is a struggle. I am so glad that you see your verb as writing at this time. I pray continued blessings on you as you push through this "mess."
I check your blog at least once a week to see if you have a new post. You are a GREAT writer. Keep it up. My thoughts and prayers are still with your family. Much love from MO.
Jessica
first off,you ARE a good writer...im not a big reader,never have been,but if you were to write a book,i would read it..i don't personally know you,but i respect you,& i check in on your blog every single day to see if you've written,much love vee! praying for ya'll always!
Hi Vee, I'm glad you're back to writing, and you ARE good at it. Believe me, there are plenty of people who get published who really shouldn't... Your blog is touching a lot of people, and Soaring Spirits would be interested to know if you wouldn't mind us adding your blog to the blog roll on our site. You'll be reaching even more people that way - specifically those who would be comforted by your message. Please let me know when you get a chance by emailing me at andrear@sslf.org. Praying for you... XOXO
Wow Vee! Empowering! Thank you. I share your friend's feelings. Your words pierce my heart so deeply. They even helped me stop and appreciate life and love more. Thank you for being so honest and sincere. It's refreshing!
Your friend is right. Your blog helps me grieve and cry for someone else which is so necessary. You remind me constantly that I can be real about my hurts and that it's ok to share what's really on my heart and not just say "God will take care of it!" I know he will but I'm also sad, angry, and discontent among many other emotions. Thank you for your blog. It's been one of the hardest best things I've ever read.
gorgeous post
Your blog has helped me strengthen my own marriage, because I no longer take anything for granted. I appreciate the fact that he is simply sitting next to me on the couch at night. My husband was on a business trip for two weeks, and I thought about you constantly. It blows my mind that not having your husband there is your everyday reality. I was exhausted, lonely, crabby...
Your two oldest are almost the exact same age as my two kids. I can't even imagine adding the strain of a newborn. Children are blessings and wonderful, but they are also a lot of work! I don't know how you find the energy or drive to write, but keep it up because you *are* helping people.
Vee - another beautiful post - thank you! You definitely have a gift for writing - I knew it the first time I read your blog. And it's healing to share and release your pain to share with all of us who care and pray for you. How wonderful to know you're serving Him in song. Bless your sweet heart....may each day ahead find you a day stronger than the one before.
If you continue to write, I'll continue to read. *Hugs and prayers every day for you and your little ones!*
I'm glad you're still here. And that you will keep writing. I'm quite sure you have no idea how many people you are reaching through this blog.
I love you lots Vee!
I also don't know you personally and can't even remember how I found your blog but I am drawn back to it regularly. You are brave beyond measure, living through such a tragedy. To give that tragedy a voice with such raw heart and soul....it isn't the legacy you might want or have envisioned for your husband but you honor him with your writing. That you share it with all of us strikes me as very brave and I am grateful, because your story has given me pause to stop and think 'what if?'. So things that used to seem big are small now and I find I stop to remind myself what really matters much more often than I did before I found your blog. Thank you.
I am a silent blog stalker! I check your blog regularly. I try my best not take my marriage for granted thanks to you and your words. I love to read your writing and I pray for you daily.
Vee...
I am glad that you are back at Everyday Kings. I know you are a busy girl and dealing with so much. I didn't want to bother you, but I have been checking and wondering were you are and missing your blog.
I started reading your blog in January - as it was sent to me by a friend during the Pennies on a Platter fundraiser. I feel like I know you a little more each day that I read it. In an odd way, I feel like we are friends - although we have never met and you don't know anything about me.(We are now friends on Facebook, if you want to 'meet' me and my family.)
I have found myself thinking of you and your family daily. I feel so terrible for your loss and have been wanting to do something for you. I was so happy that your friends put together the "New Car for the Kings" fundraiser for your family because now I feel like I can at least do a little something.
Would you please share the info - as other Everyday King followers may want to donate, too!!
I wanted to let you know that there are so many people thinking about you and and praying for you - people that you don't even know. You have touched the lives of so many by sharing your life and your story with us. I have told many of my family and friends about you. It is a reminder to all of us of so many things in our lives...it makes me just want appreciate my family and friends a little more and hug my kids just a little bit tighter.
I believe that Jeremy is with you and the kids everyday and that he guides you in the decisions that you make and the things that you do. I believe that you getting pregnant with Carter was Jeremy's way of giving you one more very precious gift.
I can't imagine all that you are going through, but I think you are getting stonger and hope you feel like yourself just a little bit more each day.
You are an amazing person. You have so much talent and have so many gifts to share. Thank you for everything that you have given me already.
:) Kristen
I, like so many others, feel drawn to your blog. I have never met you and don't even remember how I found your blog but you give me so much strength through your words! I am amazed at how through it all you are surviving and showing your amazing love for God! You have an amazing love for God and it is shown, even through the trials! Please keep writing as I will keep reading and praying! God bless!
I haven't commented in awhile, but I still read every single one of your posts.
It sounds like you have really come along way in such a short time. Thank you for always being honest about how you feel. So many of us really don't know what it's like in your shoes and your willingness to tell it like it really is helps us to feel, at least a tiny bit, connected to you.
I am so glad to read that you found your "verb", your way to actively struggle through a nightmare I can not even begin to imagine. We have never met, but know that I pray for you and your children daily. A mom I homeschool with, Michelle, indirectly led me to your blog and I am so grateful. Reading it reminded me that I used write..that it used to be part of who I was. Somewhere along the way I lost that and reading your writing has reminded me of the power the written word has to change other people...and ourselves. So thank you for that, although it is a message I wish I had gotten in any other way than through the circumstances that led me to your blog. Praying for you still...Marcy C.
We are reading, feeling for you, praying for you, trying to imagine how you feel, being inspired by your honesty and strength and believing we would feel much the same way -- all while wondering why bad things happen to good people. Thank you for making us think and keep on sharing!
so beautiful! WRITE!
I love it.
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