Experiencing the face of God

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Last weekend, I was leading worship in Iowa. I always look forward to being able to travel and sing, especially knowing I get to use that talent for God. I get to spend time with my favorite people, meet new people, and worship. What's not to love?

Like most trips, we stood on stage to model worship for people old and young alike. Sometimes, we challenge everyone in the room to get 'uncomfortable' with God and take a position of worship on our knees. It's always powerful to see how just stepping outside our comfort zone just a bit can change our hearts and the meaning of what we sing.

This trip, we did something we've never done before. Chris asked everyone to close their eyes and picture the face of God. The first thing that came to my mind was the stereotype of Jesus we see every day, in paintings and children's bible stories, deep eyes and brunette hair and beard. Quickly erasing that image from my mind, I realized that I had never actually attempted to think about the face of God. I don't know why.

I closed my eyes once more. The next thing I know, I felt the warmth of the sun on my face, smelled green grass beneath me, heard the beautiful sounds of my children laughing and playing, had this overwhelming sense of peace, and out of nowhere tears began to fall...

....and I felt Jeremy.

I quickly turned around, unnerved by my emotions getting the best of me on stage, and grabbed a drink of water. As I composed myself and got down on my knees in worship, I tried to push the image out of my head until we finished. Once I was off stage and sitting, the tears came again as I went back to that image of the face of God. I didn't "see" God per say, but I felt Him. My image of God was the closest thing to Heaven I've ever experienced on earth. As soon as I felt Jeremy, emotions took me over.

I realize that I might hold onto a very skewed vision of what Heaven will be. I'm okay with that. I figure if I'm wrong, I won't be disappointed. To me, Heaven is a place where all is made right. A place where children are fed and warm, there are no tears, and there is no death. Jeremy will be there waiting for me, and Jim will be there waiting for Amy. I can't picture it any other way at this point, and I don't want to. Suddenly I knew that I could no longer separate what God is to me from who I am because of Jeremy. In so many ways, Jeremy molded my image of God and my relationship with Him.

Jeremy is the strongest indicator of this love because I've lost him and that love is held and carried on in memory and in my heart at an elevated place. But the truth is, if I closed my eyes hard enough, the face of God would reveal all of those I love, because of course, God IS love. And being in the presence of completely unselfish, unconditional love is my Heaven.

I may not be able to do it without tears yet, but I'm glad I was able to experience that moment, however brief it was.

a shift

I've noticed a shift. It wasn't over night, rather subtle. I first noticed it on the drive to Canada a few weeks ago and it happened when I was at your memorial stone yesterday. I've found myself now talking to God more instead of you. At first, it made me angry and upset cause I felt like you were drifting away from me. But I realize that's a natural progression of things, and that's eventually where I'm supposed to be right? Talking to God? We didn't speak for awhile unless I was screaming at Him or pleading for Him to bring you back. And when you didn't, I just talked to you instead. But I feel you guiding me where I'm supposed to be, speaking to the right audience. And maybe I'll never stop talking to you but I'm starting to allow God to show me bits and pieces of what a future might look like, or at least of me accepting that I still have a future.


I never used to be a pessimist. I don't mean to whine all the time, but it's honestly how I feel and I can't shake it. I want to be positive, I want to plan a future somehow, I want to see good, I want to take a deep breath again someday without heaviness in my heart. 


Help me find peace, love. I don't know how to find it on my own.


I miss you.
I love you always and forever.

Keep Holding On

Last week, I shared my story out loud for the first time, in front of a bunch of teens. When I was asked to do it, I was so anxious about it. I can write any day of the week when I have no topic to worry about, but as soon as I have to write something, or speak about something, I can't. So we decided to do a Q&A interview style about my story and how I've come to see God through the experience of losing my love.

I don't remember a word I said.

I remember crying. I hate crying in front of people so I thought I could hold it together. Nope. I read this blog post out loud which was very hard. I remember feeling like I didn't say what I wanted to say and said things I didn't think I'd say....it was a jumbled mess. I was just praying that something good came of it.

I realized it was hard to describe how I've seen God at work through all of this when I'm not really sure. Have I seen God at work? Yes. Without a doubt. It's ironic to feel God's hand guiding me through such a painful experience that He didn't prevent in the first place. It's hard to be a role model when I feel so unworthy of that title. It's still a struggle to choose to keep going some days. I'm making a mess of everything, I'm still angry sometimes, I don't feel qualified to tell people to hold onto God in the storms of life because it will all be ok. What do I know? Right now, it's not ok. I've never really talked to my friends and family about how much I wanted to die those early days. I realize most people feel that way after losing someone close and other widows understand the idea of wanting to die and knowing you'd never actually make it happen. But I would pray for God to take me every night. I prayed for my plane to crash. I prayed for God to just take me and the kids so they wouldn't have to grow up without me and we'd all be one big happy family in Heaven.

What I wanted to tell those kids was to just keep holding on. Hold on to God even when you don't understand why. I don't have the answers, and maybe I never will, but I can tell you I haven't found a better alternative for God. He's there seeing you through your darkest storm. I'm holding on to God even though my faith is not my own right now. One day it will be again, but right now my faith is for my children because I know they need me.

And my faith is for Jeremy, so I know I can see him one day again. Every time I start to throw in the towel and yelling and screaming at God, I swear I can hear Jer saying "Just hold on baby. I promise it will be worth it."

Right now, that's good enough for me.

A Broken Hallelujah

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Ironically, after posting about wanting to write more, I feel compelled to leave someone else's words today.

This song had actually been sent to me by several different people. I couldn't listen to it for awhile because I wasn't even ready to offer God a Hallelujah, even a broken one. This weekend, though, these words came to life for me:

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more

Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise

Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn

How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place

Hallelujah
I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You


A Broken Hallelujah - Madisa

Finding my verb

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I am still here.

The truth is, I'm here almost every night, staring at a blank computer space, unable to make my fingers move. Every day, a million different things go on in my head that I want to write down, but I can't configure them into coherent thoughts when I sit to write. Even more than that, I sit and wonder if I really have anything to say that I haven't said already. I can find new adjectives, manipulate metaphors, use a thesaurus...but at the end of the day, it feels the same:

My husband is dead.
It still hurts like hell.

But this weekend I've had a couple of cool experiences that has given me a voice again. First of all, people have been writing me the last few days, wondering where I've been. It's nice to know that people like what I have to say and want to hear more from me.

Second was an encounter with Mark Duckworth, lead singer of the band Salient (check em out, btw). Mark and I have crossed paths several times, singing at the same events and hanging out here and there. This weekend, we were both singing for the youth rally at my home church (I with DeeperStill - the group my husband sang with, and Mark with his band) and we all went out after the event on Friday night. He approached me afterwords to thank me for my blog and FB postings to Jeremy and expressed an appreciation for my writing. Mark probably knows that I hear that often - which I do. I've been overwhelmed by the response that my story has received and people have expressed their appreciate for me sharing it many times. But what Mark probably doesn't know is that I really took it as a huge compliment from him as someone who has written some incredible music to note my writing, which in my opinion, is not that great. He encouraged me to keep writing and reminded me that there are so many people that I am still unaware of that are reading and praying for me. I guess I needed the reminder.

Next happened during church this morning. Without going into the entire sermon, since I could never do Patrick Mead justice by trying to recap his incredible lesson, I will say something struck me today. It was a combination of the sermon and something that was said during our Missional Moment today about finding our verb as a Community of God. We are not saved by our works but we do good works because we are saved, therefore we must put our faith into action by finding our verb. I've struggled with finding mine my entire life, and today it was as if a finger was tapping me on the shoulder and I heard it:

WRITE. That's your verb. 

Everyone has a different verb, and I don't believe this will be mine forever, as I am not a writer (at least not a good one). But for now, in a season when I feel broken with nothing to offer, I felt God showing me a way to still somehow offer something in the midst of my weakness: My words. My story. My journey. As awful as it is for me right now, I know it's blessing others along the way.

One of my and Jer's best friends wrote me something a couple weeks ago that has been swirling in my head since. I hope he doesn't mind me sharing:

"I think that most people are numb to the fragility of life, and they go about in narrowly focused on their own lives, living in quiet desperation seeking real connection with people. Even with all the advancements in technology and more ways to connect electronically than we've ever had before, people still struggle to truly connect with another. 

On a broad level I think that the genuineness of your writing, and sharing of yourself through these last months has people flocking to your posts in droves because your transparency creates the type of deep connection they so desperately crave. However wrong, right, weird, well intentioned, or wild it is, I watch people find connection and MEANING in your pain & happiness. Whether or not you're seeking it, that is a truly transcendant gift." 

There you have it. This is certainly NOT the way I wanted to watch my blog grow, and how I wanted to make even the smallest impact on the world, and yet it's happening whether I like it or not. It's not a gift I asked for, but I will take it for now in hopes that it will reveal healing and purpose back into my life. I will continue to try to write through this mess I'm living in.

Tough day

For the first time in a long time, I am not looking forward to this Sunday.

Today is going to be a tough day.

It's been a long time coming, and I'm dreading every second.

I'm putting all my trust in God, that he knows what He's doing and will make the best of this situation.

Please send prayers for peace, direction, discernment, and guidance.

Thank you.

A series of unfortunate events

One step forward, two steps back.

That's how it goes, right?

Well, yesterday was my two steps back. My day just started out rough. I was awaken by a little dude who was ON FIRE with a temperature of 106!!! After going up and down with fevers for the last few days, I woke up the hubs to tell him he needed to get the little guy to the doctor. I wasn't able to go with him, because I was having my preschool Valentine's day party. After running late for work (of course) and getting the kids together, the hubs had to drop me off at work. Realizing that it had snowed overnight and the hubs should have been up bright and early to plow at the college, he ended up taking both kids next door to plow snow while I was at school.

So, I'm scrambled. I'm worried about my chum. My assistant and I were frantically getting things ready. She had a rough start to her day with a leak in her house. We were both not wanting to be there.

Then, one of my students came in with his grandmother. We welcomed him in and knowing that his mom was due any second with her third child, we assumed she must have been in labor since she was not bringing her son to school. After asking him 'Hey buddy, did you mom have the baby yet?' we were met with cautious eyes by the grandmother, who put her hand up to stop us. She leaned forward to tell us,

"The baby died. She delivered yesterday morning."

How gut wrenching. Tears welled up in my eyes. I had just seen her, in her pregnancy glory a few days prior, everything was fine. Emailed back and forth about the baby that week, sending her well wishes. Apparently, she noticed mid afternoon that the baby wasn't making any movement. The chord has wrapped around her neck and had knotted. They went to the hospital only to discover that baby had died, then had to deliver it naturally. She has two boys, and this was her third and final child...a girl.

She has been flashing through my mind constantly since. I can't even begin to imagine what she must be going through. This morning, I sent the grandfather with a lasagna and a card....but it felt so pitiful and insignificant. What can you do for someone who has just lost a child?

Needless to say, it was tough to get through the day. Then we had to take the dude to urgent care after school, only to get antibiotics (he's still been very sick today).

Pray for this family, that God will provide healing and peace that passes understanding for this horrific situation.

Prayers Needed

I am asking for specific prayer today for 2 major things:

1. As most of you know, I lost an income at the beginning of the year when I quit my job. The hubs and I started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, which has been wonderful. HOWEVER, even though the last few weeks have been the most frugal of our lives, we still just can't cut it on what we make - it doesn't even cover bills right now. So my specific prayer is that God will provide us an opportunity to earn some extra income without having to sacrifice family (it's very hard when we only see each other for a few hours a few nights a week). I am going to put out some applications this week, I've been looking for anything and everything that I can sell in my house, we're talking about the hubs trying to work evenings a few nights a week so we don't have to pay the sitter while I'm teaching. It causes a lot of stress. There's no way around it...we can't just save money at this point. We have to make more money.

2. Tonight, I ask specific prayers for our dear friends. They're facing losing a job tonight as well, and I know they are worried about what the future holds. Ironically, this decision about his job effects our financial life as well (I won't give you the details, just know it's complicated). Through all this, we want to pray only that God's will is done.

Just knowing that people are praying gives you a certain amount of peace. So thank you.

Calm before the storm

Bullet point #4 that I am suppose to cover, as promised here, is the hardest to write. Mostly, cause I don't know where to start or even how to talk about it without talking about everything at the same time.

Basically it's along these lines: God has been workin' on my heart a lot lately.

These last few months, I've just had a lot going on. I mean, I always have a lot going on, but I've been convicted to find joy in the midst. Ironically, trying to find it was causing discontent and frustration in my life. I'm ready to move on. I'm struggling through financial hardship right now, but I'm confident that God will provide, as He always does. I'm frustrated with the plateau I've hit in my weight loss, but I know that it's about balance and taking care of myself to live my best life. I get down on myself that I'm not always being the best parent I can be, but then I realize I'm raising some pretty fantastic kids.

This is the lesson I'm learning: I am blessed. Yes, I knew this already, but I didn't really know it. Ya know? My weekend at Gulf Coast Getaway was the first time in a long time that I sat back and listened to God and what He had to say. I never stop long enough to listen. Being away from my kids for 5 days was the hardest thing, but I have been a better parent since. I've been cherishing every moment with them, and keeping my cool when little meltdowns don't matter.

This is the other lesson I'm in the middle of learning: I don't know what's ahead. It's scary, unsettling, frustrating, and down right aggravating, but the only thing I can count on is change. There are a lot of possibilities in my future, and I have no idea the path that God will lead us through. I just know I'm ready. I literally feel like I'm sitting in the calm before the storm.

Something big's a comin' - are you ready?

Gulf Coast Getaway

As promised here, I'm giving you updated of my life over the last few weeks, when I slipped away from blogging. Bullet point #3: Gulf Coast Getaway

Last weekend, I had the privilege of leading worship and event in Panama City, FL for around 2,000 college students. There are really no words to describe the experience I had. But you know me, I use 12 words when probably only 1 will do, so here goes:

First of all, let me start off by saying this was my first time flying since my honeymoon...6 1/2 years ago. This was also my first time away with my hubby since we had kids. So, even though I was there with a job to do - this was a vacation for me. It was cold and rainy while we were there, but it wasn't snowing. I'll take it. We stayed at the Edgewater Beach Resort in a beautiful condo with a master suite, and of course, a King sized bed.

Oh yeah, and this was the view from our room....

Okay, on to the good stuff (yes, it actually got better than this)...

I've been singing for most of my life. Specifically Acappella music. I've worshipped in many places and lead worship at a lot of places, but very few came close to my experience this weekend. It was a fairly large event, which always helps. But these college kids came ready to worship. It was heartfelt, emotional, and captivating. A few times during the weekend, I had to stop singing just to listen. I held back tears almost every time we got up to sing. I felt God's presence in that place, He moved in me. It was so encouraging to hear the kids come up afterward to say how uplifting the worship was and how blessed they were by it, but hands down, being up on the stage was the most powerful point in the whole room, hearing praise to God coming right at you.

And man, was it fun. Hangin' out with some of my best friends, meeting new people, singin', dancin', chillin' with Sean Algaier from Biggest Loser for awhile, late night runs to the Waffle House....it was one of the best weekends ever.

Strong Enough

I've had the lyrics to an old Stacie Orrico song stuck in my head for the past few days, and thought I'd share:

"Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?

Is there anyway to be made whole again?

If I'm healed, renewed, and find forgiveness, find the strength I've never had

Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

Is He not strong enough? Is He not pure enough?

To break me, pour me out and start again?

Is He not brave enough to take one chance on me?

Oh can I have the chance to start again?"

This song is one of a very short list of songs that can bring me to tears. The words always pop up in my head, every now and again. I struggle with a never-ending battle of control. Control to do things my way, in my time. And every time my plans fail, I wonder why. These words remind me of the amazing grace of God. My favorite part is 'Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?' I'm so thankful that God is bigger than any trouble of mine. That I can come, broken and shattered, and still be used for His purpose. That every day, I get the chance to start again.

Happy Spring!

I feel like every year, around this time, I blog or post something about spring and the renewal of life....this year is no different. Seasons and weather totally affect my mood and personality, and Spring is my favorite season. I feel a deep drive to get going, spring-clean my house, and just jump start the life I put on hold in the winter time. (I should totally be a California girl!) There are always so many changes during this transition in my life.

This weekend was a powerful one for me. I had the privilege of singing on praise team for Illuminate @ Rochester Church this weekend. It's been awhile since I've been to a youth rally, and I've forgotten the power that comes with watching young kids praising the Lord together. I also sang on Sunday morning praise team @ church. Even though I had been sick all weekend and my voice was so weak (I barely had a speaking voice) God allowed something to come out every time I needed to sing! It was tons of fun, especially being able to sing with so many talented people that I admire.

The best part of my weekend was being able to develop new friendships. Over the last few months, Jeremy and I have really been able to get involved at church, and also get connected with some more people our age. I'm so thankful to be able to surround my kids with christian adults, especially when they have kids of their own. We were really missing out on the family life that comes with being connected with people. I pray that we can continue to build close relationships and friendships, to have people to share life with. I love making new friends!

I've also rediscovered the joys of finding new music and singing old favorites. My iTunes list is about to get much bigger....

Looking Up

It always amazes me how my life unfolds in the most unexpected ways. Even in the eye of the storm, I know the Lord has a plan to get me out. The last few months have been stressful for our family, to say the least. A lot of unknowns about money, the future, our family....there were points when I wasn't sure how I'd come out of it. But it's so great that I don't always have to know. It's been a long journey to try and overcome pride and learn how to covet prayers and help from other people, but the process has taught me so much.

I'm happy to announce that I finally can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Things that I thought were disasters are turning out to be a blessing in disguise. We're finally getting to a point in our lives where we shouldn't be struggling to stay afloat. We finally have a plan. A plan to get out of debt. A plan to be better with our money. A plan to stay committed to the church and stay involved. A plan to spend more time together. A plan to let God take control.

The last couple of days have been great! I finally got some more hours at work that I needed, the weather is warming up, we're finally getting some answers about our kitchen and planning to get it put back together, I got a ton done around the house, and we had family in this week!!! Jeremy's mom and sister Melanie came to visit from Monday til this morning, and it was so nice to visit, we've missed them so much. They hadn't seen our house yet and we got to celebrate Faith's birthday - again - with family. Faith was a lucky girl this year:

A personalized Veggie Tales CD from Nana that sings and says her name!

High School Musical Stuff!!! Always a hit!

A Barbie bathroom!

And Barbies to go in it!!!

Looking forward to seeing how everything turns out over the next couple of weeks. I'm so thankful that God doesn't let me go and lets me learn from my mistakes, giving me a chance to make it right. To quote my husband's Facebook status: "It's amazing what happens when someone else steers the ship!"