wait for me

I've decided that if time indeed does not exist in Heaven and maybe there's no distance between us, then maybe you can't feel my ache for you here. I need you to know it. I need you to watch over us.


I need you to be waiting for me when I get there.


I imagine that outside of my understanding, maybe both is possible. I told Sarah that I fantasize getting to Heaven and standing at the pearly gates, and making a run for it, towards you. I will knock anyone over who's standing in my way, people who get there before me will just have to wait. I give a head nod to God and tell him to hit it and with a 'you got it' nod back, He plays my slow-mo music while we run along side a beach towards one another slowly and dramatically. Sarah said she'll play defense for me and block anyone who tries to get in my path. It will be cheesy and perfect until I finally touch you and then the moment is just ours. I see the look on your face and feel your familiar arms around me and know that I'm home.


These are the daydreams that keep me going a lot of days. It just sucks that I'm so young and will likely have to wait a long time before I get to see you again. Hopefully I won't be old and wrinkly in Heaven. And I hope you're exactly the way I remember you.


I miss you baby. I'm so lonely tonight without you.
I love you always and forever.

Keep Holding On

Last week, I shared my story out loud for the first time, in front of a bunch of teens. When I was asked to do it, I was so anxious about it. I can write any day of the week when I have no topic to worry about, but as soon as I have to write something, or speak about something, I can't. So we decided to do a Q&A interview style about my story and how I've come to see God through the experience of losing my love.

I don't remember a word I said.

I remember crying. I hate crying in front of people so I thought I could hold it together. Nope. I read this blog post out loud which was very hard. I remember feeling like I didn't say what I wanted to say and said things I didn't think I'd say....it was a jumbled mess. I was just praying that something good came of it.

I realized it was hard to describe how I've seen God at work through all of this when I'm not really sure. Have I seen God at work? Yes. Without a doubt. It's ironic to feel God's hand guiding me through such a painful experience that He didn't prevent in the first place. It's hard to be a role model when I feel so unworthy of that title. It's still a struggle to choose to keep going some days. I'm making a mess of everything, I'm still angry sometimes, I don't feel qualified to tell people to hold onto God in the storms of life because it will all be ok. What do I know? Right now, it's not ok. I've never really talked to my friends and family about how much I wanted to die those early days. I realize most people feel that way after losing someone close and other widows understand the idea of wanting to die and knowing you'd never actually make it happen. But I would pray for God to take me every night. I prayed for my plane to crash. I prayed for God to just take me and the kids so they wouldn't have to grow up without me and we'd all be one big happy family in Heaven.

What I wanted to tell those kids was to just keep holding on. Hold on to God even when you don't understand why. I don't have the answers, and maybe I never will, but I can tell you I haven't found a better alternative for God. He's there seeing you through your darkest storm. I'm holding on to God even though my faith is not my own right now. One day it will be again, but right now my faith is for my children because I know they need me.

And my faith is for Jeremy, so I know I can see him one day again. Every time I start to throw in the towel and yelling and screaming at God, I swear I can hear Jer saying "Just hold on baby. I promise it will be worth it."

Right now, that's good enough for me.