Keep Holding On

Last week, I shared my story out loud for the first time, in front of a bunch of teens. When I was asked to do it, I was so anxious about it. I can write any day of the week when I have no topic to worry about, but as soon as I have to write something, or speak about something, I can't. So we decided to do a Q&A interview style about my story and how I've come to see God through the experience of losing my love.

I don't remember a word I said.

I remember crying. I hate crying in front of people so I thought I could hold it together. Nope. I read this blog post out loud which was very hard. I remember feeling like I didn't say what I wanted to say and said things I didn't think I'd say....it was a jumbled mess. I was just praying that something good came of it.

I realized it was hard to describe how I've seen God at work through all of this when I'm not really sure. Have I seen God at work? Yes. Without a doubt. It's ironic to feel God's hand guiding me through such a painful experience that He didn't prevent in the first place. It's hard to be a role model when I feel so unworthy of that title. It's still a struggle to choose to keep going some days. I'm making a mess of everything, I'm still angry sometimes, I don't feel qualified to tell people to hold onto God in the storms of life because it will all be ok. What do I know? Right now, it's not ok. I've never really talked to my friends and family about how much I wanted to die those early days. I realize most people feel that way after losing someone close and other widows understand the idea of wanting to die and knowing you'd never actually make it happen. But I would pray for God to take me every night. I prayed for my plane to crash. I prayed for God to just take me and the kids so they wouldn't have to grow up without me and we'd all be one big happy family in Heaven.

What I wanted to tell those kids was to just keep holding on. Hold on to God even when you don't understand why. I don't have the answers, and maybe I never will, but I can tell you I haven't found a better alternative for God. He's there seeing you through your darkest storm. I'm holding on to God even though my faith is not my own right now. One day it will be again, but right now my faith is for my children because I know they need me.

And my faith is for Jeremy, so I know I can see him one day again. Every time I start to throw in the towel and yelling and screaming at God, I swear I can hear Jer saying "Just hold on baby. I promise it will be worth it."

Right now, that's good enough for me.


m&msmommy said...

You family is never far from my thoughts and prayers. Although I don't know you, your story has touched me in so many ways.

Love and prayers for you today and always...

Desi said...

Wow that's deep. Just know you are incredibly strong for sharing your story with those teens. I can't even imagine how difficult it is to talk about, but you are doing it to help others. And I understand your anger and frustration with God even at times. And I understand the feeling of wanting to die but please please never do anything to make it happen. You really are making the world better and touching people and even teaching people. Everytime I read your posts you teach me to cherish what I have, to not take it for granted because I don't ever want to lose it. And you teach me about the person I want to strive to be... strong, forgiving, resilient, loyal, an amazing mother, just a good person. You amaze me, just know that.

megan said...

"It's ironic to feel God's hand guiding me through such a painful experience that He didn't prevent in the first place." - Amen.

I think we hear so much that we should hold on to god and god will make everything okay. No. No god will not make it okay. Nothing is okay, can not ever be okay. Faith is not a magic shield that makes you safe. Nothing will do that.

But as you said, I haven't yet found an alternative for god. So far, what I know, is that god sits beside you, not changing it, not making it alright, but sitting beside you in the not ever okay.

love to you.

Moosey Mom said...

Every time I read one of your posts I get teary eyed. You are very often in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that things become more okay for you with each day.

Jo Julia said...

Thank you for these words. Esp. the part about your faith not being your own but for your kids and for Jeremy. I feel the same way. My faith is almost nonexistent these days but as I wrote on my husband's one year memorial program, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." I see no other hope offered. I see no other way to raise my daughter. But boy is it hard. Holding on with you...holding on with you- and I hope to rejoice there one day with you and your Jeremy and me and my Dan.

Bree@ 700sqftDesign said...

I think about you almost everyday. Even though it may not feel like it, you are a very strong woman, just know there are people out there who care for you and pray for you everyday.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

I love that, "Just hold on..." so true for many situations. Hugs and prayers my friend!

agata said...

Thank you for sharing with us and with those youth. You are incredibly strong and an amazing woman. Thank you for letting us in your life and sharing your thoughts with us so honestly. I feel like I tell you that a lot, but I believe you are helping an incredible amount of people. Clearly, that is no consolation to what you have to go through.

Your boy looks so much like his dad - at least in the photos. And your little girl is beautiful. Any more pictures of the baby? I bet he's ridiculously cute.

You are in my prayers - all of you.
- agata

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. You are stronger than you know and a gift from God for more of us than you will ever know. Hang in their my fellow warrior.


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