There just aren't words to describe how broken hearted I feel tonight. I've been sobbing basically since Sarah left my house tonight, I can't get a grip. I don't know why this day feels so much more heavy than others, but I'm in agony.
Today we should be celebrating 8 years of marriage. And what hurts is knowing others will and I'll think "I never made it that far." I've been crying out to you all night, I hope you hear me. I'm so afraid that maybe I didn't show you how much I loved you enough, that maybe you didn't understand the depth of it, or that maybe I've inflated it in my head since you died and somehow sainted our imperfect relationship. But I found a card in my box of our stuff (I've been avoiding it a lot but I wanted to spend time with it and you tonight) that I wrote in 2006:
"Jeremy, In my whole life, I never knew it was possible to love someone so much. My heart feels so full just to think about you and all that you are to me. I wish there were words to describe it. You are truly the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't know what I did to deserve you. I am still madly in love with you - I knew the first time I kissed you that I had to have you in my life. I thank God every morning that I get to wake up next to you, that I get to grow old with you, and now, that I get to start a family with you. Thank you for all that you are to me, Love. I can't breathe without you."
I'm so glad I told you. I hope you remembered. I didn't make it up, I still feel this way. Only, I lied. I can breathe without you. I never would have believed it and I'm pretty pissed about it, but it turns out, I'm still breathing. It does hurt, though. Especially today.
I wish it were possible to sleep through tomorrow. I'm completely dumbfounded at my reality today, sometimes it knocks my feet out from under me. I can't believe you're gone. I love you more today than ever before, and that actually really sucks.
I could bet money that tonight we'd be laying on the couch together watching Friends, and you'd wait til just after midnight to tell me Happy Anniversary. What I wouldn't give to be back in our crappy little house, too broke to do anything special, run-of-the-mill life that I used to complain about but loved whole heartedly.
This sucks more than I could ever imagine, but I wouldn't trade the last eight years for anything. Everything that I am today is because you loved me. 8 or 80 years, it's the strongest force I've ever witnessed. Thank you for your love.
I love you with all that I am and everything I have.
Happy Anniversary, baby.