7.19.2011

Happy Anniversary





There just aren't words to describe how broken hearted I feel tonight. I've been sobbing basically since Sarah left my house tonight, I can't get a grip. I don't know why this day feels so much more heavy than others, but I'm in agony. 


Today we should be celebrating 8 years of marriage. And what hurts is knowing others will and I'll think "I never made it that far." I've been crying out to you all night, I hope you hear me. I'm so afraid that maybe I didn't show you how much I loved you enough, that maybe you didn't understand the depth of it, or that maybe I've inflated it in my head since you died and somehow sainted our imperfect relationship. But I found a card in my box of our stuff (I've been avoiding it a lot but I wanted to spend time with it and you tonight) that I wrote in 2006:


"Jeremy, In my whole life, I never knew it was possible to love someone so much. My heart feels so full just to think about you and all that you are to me. I wish there were words to describe it. You are truly the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't know what I did to deserve you. I am still madly in love with you - I knew the first time I kissed you that I had to have you in my life. I thank God every morning that I get to wake up next to you, that I get to grow old with you, and now, that I get to start a family with you. Thank you for all that you are to me, Love. I can't breathe without you."


I'm so glad I told you. I hope you remembered. I didn't make it up, I still feel this way. Only, I lied. I can breathe without you. I never would have believed it and I'm pretty pissed about it, but it turns out, I'm still breathing. It does hurt, though. Especially today. 

I wish it were possible to sleep through tomorrow. I'm completely dumbfounded at my reality today, sometimes it knocks my feet out from under me. I can't believe you're gone. I love you more today than ever before, and that actually really sucks. 


I could bet money that tonight we'd be laying on the couch together watching Friends, and you'd wait til just after midnight to tell me Happy Anniversary. What I wouldn't give to be back in our crappy little house, too broke to do anything special, run-of-the-mill life that I used to complain about but loved whole heartedly. 


This sucks more than I could ever imagine, but I wouldn't trade the last eight years for anything. Everything that I am today is because you loved me. 8 or 80 years, it's the strongest force I've ever witnessed. Thank you for your love. 


I love you with all that I am and everything I have. 
Happy Anniversary, baby.

15 comments:

Delaney said...

saying a prayer for you right now in hopes that the lord will bring comfort and joy to you in this time of suffering. so sorry for you but encouraged by your brave words

trininista said...

there are no words, but holding you in prayers today - a tough one for you. you are so strong and each day will bring renewed strength and grace. (hug)

Christine said...

Oh, I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult time. I once heard it said that when someone dies they become all knowing. If that is indeed true then Jer knows every bit of how much you loved him and he knows everything else that you might wish you could have told him while he was still alive on Earth. I hope that you feel better soon.

Kim said...

*hugs* my thoughts and prayers are with you.

megan said...

"I can breathe without you. I never would have believed it and I'm pretty pissed about it..."

yes ma'am.

Land of Blissful Chaos said...

Praying that through the pain you'll inevitably feel today, that you'll find a moment of peace to fully feel his love.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Happy anniversary as bittersweet as it may be. You and Jer have an amazing love. Anyone that experiences an ounce of what you and Jer have is very lucky. Extra hugs and prayers for you today Vee.

"Say What?" said...

Praying peace, comfort and strength over you today.

agata said...

I will pray especially hard for you today.
- agata.

Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

saying a prayer tonight. I know Jer is looking down and wishing you a happy day. *hugs*

Glenda said...

Thinking of you!!
Peace & Strength!!

kkhk12 said...

Thinking of you today, Vee. Sending you prayers and hugs. I believe Jeremy is looking down and sharing each day with you, even if he is not physically here. Especially today. I admire the love that you have and as a result you are so blessed with 3 beautiful gifts. I hope that there is some way that you and the kids can celebrate your wedding, the love that you share and all of the incredible times you had together because not everyone has the opportunity to experience all of those magical things. I wish it would have lasted longer for you because you deserved it. I often wonder why this happens, especially to such an inspiring person like you. I wonder what God has in store for you for your future. It must be something truly amazing. Sending you strength and peace today and always.

Anonymous said...

I was married in 1996 and widowed in 2003. 7 years with him, and now 8 without him... I'm finally able to smile when remembering our wedding day, and I promise that you will too, one day.
For now though, I will pray for you and wish you peace.

Jo Julia said...

yes, yes yes. give anything to be broke and doing nothing special with him again. well, you made it through. proud of you vee.

Desi said...

I know I am late, but you've made it through this tough day. You are so strong. The line "What I wouldn't give to be back in our crappy little house, too broke to do anything special, run-of-the-mill life that I used to complain about but loved whole heartedly." really struck me... as I am always complaining about our boring normal life and how we're too broke to do anything special. When in all actuality if I didn't have those boring normal days to spend with him I would be devastated. You always know just the right words to say. Your and Jer's love is something that anyone could only hope to have at least once in their life. Happy belated anniversary, the love you two shared radiates.

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