I was walking to the car the other day after grocery shopping and had this sudden, eye-opening realization. Wow, I can't believe how much life has happened to me in the last 7 months. I mean milestone, remember-for-the-rest-of-your-days kind of life. It just suddenly occurred to me and I couldn't believe how much I had been through: I had a baby, bought a new house, travelled all over the place, and had some life changing experiences along the way. The most shocking revelation about the whole thing was that I did it all by myself.
Then this whole spiral of thoughts flooded me. I did it all by myself. Even though I will never be the same, I will survive this. I did it all by myself. I'm a lot stronger than I realized. I did it all by myself. I'm so weak and still feel like I'm falling apart all the time. I did it all by myself. I don't want to go through life all by myself. This thought hit me hardest.
So much life has happened and all of it is because of Jeremy. I often fantasize about what my day would look like if Jeremy was still here. But everything would be different. None of the great things that have happened would have occurred if he were still alive. But I pretend. How incredible life would be if Jer were here: I feel like I would be in a pretty great place. Funny how one factor is removed and everything crumbles.
Life keeps moving forward. I have no choice in the matter. All I know is even though I'm in it, it still feels like it's all happening around me. Like I'm watching everything go by while I go through the motions. Some days are fine and I get by, but I still feel so lost and when I put my head on my pillow at night and finally get a few seconds to myself, it's like a stabbing knife wound reopened every time.
How did I get here? How did this become my life?