Look at your little man - he's getting so big and handsome. I love his shirt that says "Handsome like Daddy." I think he will be. He's been having a rough couple of days. He's teething and just miserable - not sleeping and fussy all day - I just want to cry for him. But I also miss your help on days like that when I know you'd help kiss his little tiny tears away.
I had a horrible, horrible nightmare the other night and I woke up sweating. I dreamt that I watched you, Carter, and Faith get hit by a train. Caleb and I were left to fend for ourselves. The thought of suffering another loss like that made me so nauseas I couldn't even tell anyone about it.
I had a weird discovery today. There are a lot of things that you were to me that cannot be replaced. So many wonderful people have stepped up to help out in areas where you used to cover, and that's great, but it's obviously never the same. Even so, I couldn't articulate exactly what it was that I felt voided of completely that can never be recovered.
Today, I realized what it was: I miss being number one for somebody. At the top of someone's list. Aside from our children, I am not the first anyone would call if there was an emergency, big news, or something incredibly funny that they wanted to share. Even my closest friends have their families or spouses that they would call on - and should call on - first when they think of something important. Along side that loss, I'm now missing the one person at the top of my list I would go to for anything. If I have something to share, I have to consider who to share it with that doesn't have other things going on to worry about. When I need something fixed, I have to think about who I know that I might be able to call on. When I need a break, I feel guilty for finding people to watch the kids. When I remember a funny story, I have to think about who might appreciate it the most. You were all of that in my life. It's hard to not have that constant go-to person to share life with. Really hard.
I miss feeling that specialness that comes with being at the top of someone's list. I miss feeling like someone needs me. I miss being there for you, being the person you wanted to start and end your day with. I miss feeling a part of something. This is totally corny, but the lyrics "I wanna be somebody's somebody" popped into my head. Thank you, adolescent teen pop music days. It's true, though.
I miss being your number one, baby.
I love you forever and always.