I haven't decided yet if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I survived today. It was a heavy weighted day, your absence followed me everywhere. But I spend a lot of time and energy trying to outrun grief and acting 'normal' and today I decided I needed to face it. I made a date with grief and I just wanted the chance to be with you, think about you, talk to you, cry out for you, and love you. That's what I did. I spent most of the day on the couch just feeling sorry for myself and soaking in the weight of the hole you left in my heart. I haven't felt this stricken in months.
What I will say is that so many people pulled me up today in love. I got so many texts, FB messages and postings, phone calls...two flower deliveries and even a slurpee delivery. Even though it doesn't take away the pain, I can't describe the gratitude I have knowing people have not forgotten you. Or us.
Even the kids were thoughtful today. We talked about it a little last night, but today I asked them to let me lay down for a bit and Faith took it upon herself to try and clean for me. She asked Caleb to put his toys away and swept the floor...she told me that even though Daddy isn't here, they can still help. Seriously? I couldn't ask for anything more. The house may have been a mess afterward, but the thoughtfulness filled my heart. They drew pictures for you today, and told Carter silly stories about you. Caleb slept with a play phone tonight and said he was gonna call you and tell you that all of us miss you very much and he wishes your heart was still working.
I miss you more than I ever thought possible. My only peace came from knowing you don't have to live this hell I'm in.
I love you more than anything baby.