Since just after Jeremy died, I've been writing on his Facebook wall every night. Partly because I wanted to let others know how I was doing, but mostly because I still desire to end my day with him and I wanted to remember some of the day-to-day things that I would normally talk about with him. It's been therapeutic and I've realized I now can't go to sleep without writing Jer first.
The problem with Facebook is that I only get 1000 characters to talk about my day with him, or to write what's on my heart. I write him messages as well, but 1000 characters is rarely enough space to get everything out like I want. I've been debating transferring my good-nights here, where I have unlimited space, the option of adding relevant pictures, and the added benefit of supporting my family with every person that visits this blog. Plus, they're easier for me to archive here. I've been thinking about doing it for over a week now, but the change scared me.
Ironically enough, Facebook is down tonight. And I can't sleep without saying goodnight and wrapping up my day with Jeremy. So, I guess I'll take it as a sign to start the switch now. To anyone who might be reading along (which is fine btw) I will try to still link them on Jer's page. And those of you who aren't following me on FB, you'll be seeing a lot more of me now and maybe hear a little more than you might even prefer from me.
Baby, I wanted to tell you that even though it's Tuesday (I think anyway, I never know what day it is anymore) I was aching for Saturdays this morning. At one point I was laying in bed with all three of our children and had to turn away and cry thinking about how we used to spend our Saturdays. If we had no plans, we'd lounge around in bed and eventually the kids would come in and bug us to play, so we'd wrestle in bed and I swear without fail you would always seem reflective and say something about how beautiful your kids were and how much you loved Saturday mornings that started like that. The way Faith will lay next to you and stroke your cheek or hold your hand. The way Caleb will look in your eyes and tell you how much he loves you. The way Carter fits snuggled on your chest. Sweet family moments I will forever cherish.
I tried to soak it in this morning for both of us. Tried to reflect on those rare moments and see what you saw. I see it baby - they're precious and beautiful and I love them more than life. I will do what I can to protect them with every source I have available.
I miss you baby. I miss rolling over on Saturdays and you still being there. Okay, I miss that everyday.
I love you always and forever.