Hello my love.
I think today was the first time in almost nine months that I've spent more time thinking about someone else other than you. But all those tiny pieces of my heart that were slowly starting to heal have been re-shattered again. I can't believe Brian didn't pull through. I wish I knew how many prayers it took to change God's mind and have mercy on a family. It's funny how knowing someone will never be around again, no matter how much time you spend with them, instantly makes you miss them and ache for them.
I've been having nightmares I just can't shake. Caleb must have gotten in bed with me at some point in the night and I rolled over once and thought for just a split second it was Brian. It scared me so bad, I jumped and it took forever for my heart to stop racing. His face will not escape my mind.
I've never felt so helpless in my life. I stood by watching my brother die in front of me and there was nothing I could do to help him, protect him, or even trade places with him. And now, I feel helpless not knowing what to do in the aftermath. It's my loss too, sure, but I've already survived my worst nightmare - now my parents have to survive theirs. I want so badly to be useful but the truth is, my mind is still mushy, I still have trouble concentrating on things, and this obviously doesn't help. This whole thing is making me face the loss of you again too, which makes this entire experience just too much. Even having just experienced a tremendous loss recently, I feel like I have nothing to offer that comforts. Death sucks.
I just need your big arms around me right now. I've never felt safer anywhere else, and that's only place I want to be tonight. Ugh, I miss you so so much.
I love you forever and always.