Hello my love.
I think today was the first time in almost nine months that I've spent more time thinking about someone else other than you. But all those tiny pieces of my heart that were slowly starting to heal have been re-shattered again. I can't believe Brian didn't pull through. I wish I knew how many prayers it took to change God's mind and have mercy on a family. It's funny how knowing someone will never be around again, no matter how much time you spend with them, instantly makes you miss them and ache for them.

I've been having nightmares I just can't shake. Caleb must have gotten in bed with me at some point in the night and I rolled over once and thought for just a split second it was Brian. It scared me so bad, I jumped and it took forever for my heart to stop racing. His face will not escape my mind. 

I've never felt so helpless in my life. I stood by watching my brother die in front of me and there was nothing I could do to help him, protect him, or even trade places with him. And now, I feel helpless not knowing what to do in the aftermath. It's my loss too, sure, but I've already survived my worst nightmare - now my parents have to survive theirs. I want so badly to be useful but the truth is, my mind is still mushy, I still have trouble concentrating on things, and this obviously doesn't help. This whole thing is making me face the loss of you again too, which makes this entire experience just too much. Even having just experienced a tremendous loss recently, I feel like I have nothing to offer that comforts. Death sucks.

I just need your big arms around me right now. I've never felt safer anywhere else, and that's only place I want to be tonight. Ugh, I miss you so so much.
I love you forever and always.


Anonymous said...

Who am I to even comment to one who has endured so much? I just feel though that you need to know that your presence is all your parents need. I don't know you nor do you know me but I've had the privilege seeing your heart unfold. I don't understand this mess at all for your family Vee but I know your mom and dad will find strength just by you sitting there next to them. Thank you for dealing with this so publically and honestly. I've never seen God honored is such an authentic way.

Anonymous said...

Oh Vee - I am so, so sorry. I have often wondered the same thing about how many prayers are needed to change tragedy into hope again. I always wonder why it feels like the world just wants to beat us up when we are already down and so broken that we don't know what to do. I am lifting you and your family in prayer and hope, hope, hope it helps. I am so sorry for your loss, your pain, and your daily struggle. please, hang in there and be gentle with yourself.

Ashley Regimbal said...

I have been following your story for sometime now and I have to say wow Vee you are one amazing women. I pray for you often and just wanted to let you know how very sorry I am that you have now have had a another loss.

Desi said...

I wish we all knew how many prayers it takes to change God's mind. Beautifully written. I'm pissed that you and now your parents have to endure this kind of pain. Lean on each other, grieve together, you will help each other through it. Always always always thinking of you. Hoping for better days ahead.


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