I know Heaven is supposed to be a place free of pain and suffering so I wonder what happens when you watch the people you love struggle with a tragedy like we did today.
I feel very numb today. I'm full of emotions: anger, confusion, love, agony, uncertainty, and just utterly sad. Brian was too young. Our family has endured enough. I thought we watched Brian cheat death over and over before so that he would rise up against it and change the world. He had the brains and the personality to do it. I know he had the desire. I'm so broken that he couldn't overcome his addictions.
Today, after they tried to test Brian's brain function with a breathing test and we came back, I knew it was over. He did not respond at all, and when we came back to the room, he was cold, pale, and stiff. I tried to move his fingers around mine like I had all morning to hold his hand, and I couldn't. It scared me to death. And within minutes, he was gone. I'm haunted by the image of my brother's face, and watching his stats suddenly go to 0. I will say that I am so so thankful I was there holding his hand. It allowed me to grieve him and you both, because I didn't get that chance with you.
Today I begged and pleaded with God that Brian would not get to see you before me. I wanted to trade places with him desperately, my jealousy was so strong. But I pictured you smacking him for putting us all through this, and then embracing him like a little brother you never had, showing him around, and teaching him how to look out for the people he left behind.
You know how much I loved Brian, and how many prayers we lifted up together on his behalf, how many tears I shed worrying about him. I'm glad he isn't struggling anymore. But I've said it before - dying is easy. It's the surviving that sucks.
I find myself grieving for both of you tonight, and it's a little more than I can handle. Life really does sucks sometimes.
I miss you baby. Watch over my baby brother. I know you will.
I love you with all that I am.