The foot of the Ocean

Enjoying a few warm moments this weekend in Panama City Beach, FL

I find it ironic sometimes how much I love being at the ocean. It's ironic for me in particular, because I have no desire to ever be IN the ocean due to my ridiculously irrational fear of fish and all things that live in the water. I will put my toes in as long as I can see the bottom, but if I see anything in the water, even from far away, I am outta there faster than a speeding bullet. But, I digress...

What I meant to say is, there is just something about being near the ocean. The white noise of the waves, the view and appearance of infinity....it's breathtaking. It's hard to see this view and not just stop to reflect. 

Every year for the past 4 years, I have gone to Panama City Beach, FL in January for Gulf Coast Getaway to lead worship. Every year, it has proven to be a pivotal point in my life.

The first year I went with Jeremy and it was just the most incredible experience. Even days before he died, we talked about how much we were looking forward to going again in just two short months. We could never afford to travel for leisure, so we always squeezed our experiences into these trips. We had never witnessed worship like that before, we got to do what we loved, and we met so many cool people as a result of that trip. 

The second year, I was 8 months pregnant and newly widowed. I remember praying our plane would crash into the ocean. I remember aching and wrestling through worship, and marking every spot that Jeremy had stood the year before. I remember 1,600 college students raising $10,000 for my family and being overwhelmed in my gratitude for the hearts of so many who were carrying me forward. 

Last year, I remember a different kind of wrestling, as I was battling the judgement of many for my new relationship, but feeling my heart healing as well. It was also the weekend that Steve told me he loved me, while I heard the crash of the waters in the background, and the beating of my heart echoing behind. 

This year, I was able to bring Steve with me. I needed him to know why this place was so sacred to me, why I loved it so much. Every year, I've spent time at the foot of the ocean: comforting a friend who grieved a betrayal of the worst kind from her best friend, cursing and sobbing in the middle of the cold night, wondering why I had to keep on breathing without Jeremy by my side, swelling with joy and confusion at the uncertainty of life and of what the future would hold for me, and hand-in-hand with Steve, enjoying a new experience together, and also grieving that I would never again be hand-in-hand with Jeremy in that place we so loved. 

This place, and the ocean represent a lot for me. Fear, growth, question, pain, struggle, and ultimately, hope and healing. That's why I love it so much. The ocean challenges me. It humbles me. And it heals me. It's a place that reminds me, even in the midst of knowing at the foot of the vast ocean that I am small and insignificant, that I am also not alone and that I matter. 

The ocean reminds me that if I close my eyes and listen, take a deep breath and soak in the moment, I will have survived one moment. If I can survive one moment, I can survive the next, one breath at a time.

The change a year can bring

I've made a decision to try and be better about posting. I always struggle with feeling like people have heard enough and don't really care to hear me continue whining about everything, but I have A LOT to share and a lot on my heart....and well, this is really for me. Cause I have a horrible memory and my only recollection of the last 14 months is from what I wrote down. And, I have been EXTREMELY busy.

Tonight, I want to start with just a little snippet about my trip to Gulf Coast Getaway this year. We just got back this week from one of the most incredible events we do all year long - I've blogged about it every year cause it changed my life big time. It has become a bittersweet event for me, because Jeremy went with me my first time, and last year I was 8 months pregnant...I just miss being there with him. I want to tell him about so much. Like how beautiful it was there this year, the best weather I've seen yet for January in Florida:

I spent a lot of time on the beach this trip. I thought so much about this beach and the milestones it has taken me through. Two years ago, we sat at the very beach and cried with a hurting friend, prayed together, and solidified a friendship that will last a lifetime. Last year, I sat alone on this very beach, in the cold, screaming curses to God with tears streaming down my face and fury and confusion in my heart. This time, I thought a lot about how much change a year can bring. I stood on this very beach with a different song in my heart, at a different place in my life. I cried a lot for Jeremy, but not the way I did last year. This year, I cried a lot for my brother too...for some reason, his loss hit me hard on the trip. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I feel closer to God in His beauty and creation. I pray more by the ocean. I breath deeper. I listen. But no matter what ups and downs I experienced on this trip, what I kept thinking about was how much different it could be in a year from now, on this very beach.

What I also know is that through all my ups and downs, I have incredible friends. This event brings me together with dear people I only get to see a few times out of the year, or JUST this time every year. But they are treasures to me:

This year, I got another tattoo. This one I've been wanting for awhile, for Jeremy. Sarah and I have gotten both our tattoos together, which is very meaningful to me...and her tattoo was with Jeremy in mind as well:

Overall, it was a great weekend. I always encounter God in a powerful way at Gulf Coast. I even adopted a little boy from Haiti named Johnsley. The kids and I are very excited to write him some letters and learn more about him! It was a highlight of my weekend. 

I tried to take lots of deep breaths to prepare me for the changes of another year...

Living in Limbo

Last year @ Gulf Coast Getaway. Jan 2010

I haven't been able to post....I don't know what to write. Not anything new anyway. A lot has happened over the last two weeks, and yet nothing has changed. I write to Jeremy every night before bed on his Facebook page and that has served as an outlet for me.

I started reading some of my grieving books. Mostly just to feel connected, to read what others have gone through. It's true that no matter how many people have experienced something similar to you, you still feel all alone in your grief. But something struck me in the book "Moments For Those Who Have Lost a Loved One" by Lois Mowday Rabey:

"Transitioning from intellectually understanding the reality of loss to actually living in the present with the reality of loss takes time. It does not occur at the moment of separation."

She calls this living in limbo. This is where I've found myself. Knowing my husband is gone and not ready yet to adhere it to my new reality, I "ache with the knowledge of loving someone and being loved." Sometimes I forget he's not here enough that I reach for his hand in the passenger seat. These are the hardest moments - when I finally realize he's not. It stings. 

I spent the last 5 days in Panama City Beach, FL for Gulf Coast Getaway leading worship. Jeremy and I went for the first time last year and it was an incredible weekend. He was so looking forward to it this year, and it was incredibly bittersweet to be there without him. Every moment reminded me of the year before and how much Jeremy would have wanted to be a part of it. This year, they made a beautiful tribute video for him. Then, 1600 college students emptied their pockets and broke the ATM machine to raise money for missions in Honduras, and for me and the kids - I was speechless. Once again undeniable proof that no matter how angry I get at God, I know he and Jer are watching over me and walking through this with me.

I was so ready to come home after not seeing my kids for 6 days - the longest I've ever been away from them. I was ready to be back to the familiar, to see those sweet faces that have become some of my few sources of joy and peace over the last 2 1/2 months. 

But then the reality of today really smacked me in the face. Realizing how close I am actually getting to my due date and how unprepared I am, I set out to get all the things still on my list for Carter: pack n play, car seat, swing, etc. I ended up having multiple anxiety attacks realizing I had to make all these mundane decisions without Jeremy. Decisions about OUR baby. I broke down in the middle of Babies R Us, reading all the daddy shirts. I cried with each item I chose, wondering if Jer would approve. I know he would, in all honesty. I could hear his voice saying 'It's okay baby, just get what you need' but that didn't stop me from wanting his opinion. He was always my voice of reason. Every few seconds, I would think 'I can't believe I'm doing this without him' and my heart would start racing and tears would threaten to fall. No wonder my blood pressure was high today at my prenatal appointment.

Going from such an eventful weekend to the mundaneness of every day life - I don't know which is worse: knowing Jeremy missed out incredible memory-making events that he would have loved, or knowing that my every day at home is just miserable without him. 

I guess it just sucks no matter which way you slice it.

Gulf Coast Getaway

As promised here, I'm giving you updated of my life over the last few weeks, when I slipped away from blogging. Bullet point #3: Gulf Coast Getaway

Last weekend, I had the privilege of leading worship and event in Panama City, FL for around 2,000 college students. There are really no words to describe the experience I had. But you know me, I use 12 words when probably only 1 will do, so here goes:

First of all, let me start off by saying this was my first time flying since my honeymoon...6 1/2 years ago. This was also my first time away with my hubby since we had kids. So, even though I was there with a job to do - this was a vacation for me. It was cold and rainy while we were there, but it wasn't snowing. I'll take it. We stayed at the Edgewater Beach Resort in a beautiful condo with a master suite, and of course, a King sized bed.

Oh yeah, and this was the view from our room....

Okay, on to the good stuff (yes, it actually got better than this)...

I've been singing for most of my life. Specifically Acappella music. I've worshipped in many places and lead worship at a lot of places, but very few came close to my experience this weekend. It was a fairly large event, which always helps. But these college kids came ready to worship. It was heartfelt, emotional, and captivating. A few times during the weekend, I had to stop singing just to listen. I held back tears almost every time we got up to sing. I felt God's presence in that place, He moved in me. It was so encouraging to hear the kids come up afterward to say how uplifting the worship was and how blessed they were by it, but hands down, being up on the stage was the most powerful point in the whole room, hearing praise to God coming right at you.

And man, was it fun. Hangin' out with some of my best friends, meeting new people, singin', dancin', chillin' with Sean Algaier from Biggest Loser for awhile, late night runs to the Waffle House....it was one of the best weekends ever.