1.19.2011

Living in Limbo

Last year @ Gulf Coast Getaway. Jan 2010


I haven't been able to post....I don't know what to write. Not anything new anyway. A lot has happened over the last two weeks, and yet nothing has changed. I write to Jeremy every night before bed on his Facebook page and that has served as an outlet for me.

I started reading some of my grieving books. Mostly just to feel connected, to read what others have gone through. It's true that no matter how many people have experienced something similar to you, you still feel all alone in your grief. But something struck me in the book "Moments For Those Who Have Lost a Loved One" by Lois Mowday Rabey:

"Transitioning from intellectually understanding the reality of loss to actually living in the present with the reality of loss takes time. It does not occur at the moment of separation."

She calls this living in limbo. This is where I've found myself. Knowing my husband is gone and not ready yet to adhere it to my new reality, I "ache with the knowledge of loving someone and being loved." Sometimes I forget he's not here enough that I reach for his hand in the passenger seat. These are the hardest moments - when I finally realize he's not. It stings. 

I spent the last 5 days in Panama City Beach, FL for Gulf Coast Getaway leading worship. Jeremy and I went for the first time last year and it was an incredible weekend. He was so looking forward to it this year, and it was incredibly bittersweet to be there without him. Every moment reminded me of the year before and how much Jeremy would have wanted to be a part of it. This year, they made a beautiful tribute video for him. Then, 1600 college students emptied their pockets and broke the ATM machine to raise money for missions in Honduras, and for me and the kids - I was speechless. Once again undeniable proof that no matter how angry I get at God, I know he and Jer are watching over me and walking through this with me.

I was so ready to come home after not seeing my kids for 6 days - the longest I've ever been away from them. I was ready to be back to the familiar, to see those sweet faces that have become some of my few sources of joy and peace over the last 2 1/2 months. 

But then the reality of today really smacked me in the face. Realizing how close I am actually getting to my due date and how unprepared I am, I set out to get all the things still on my list for Carter: pack n play, car seat, swing, etc. I ended up having multiple anxiety attacks realizing I had to make all these mundane decisions without Jeremy. Decisions about OUR baby. I broke down in the middle of Babies R Us, reading all the daddy shirts. I cried with each item I chose, wondering if Jer would approve. I know he would, in all honesty. I could hear his voice saying 'It's okay baby, just get what you need' but that didn't stop me from wanting his opinion. He was always my voice of reason. Every few seconds, I would think 'I can't believe I'm doing this without him' and my heart would start racing and tears would threaten to fall. No wonder my blood pressure was high today at my prenatal appointment.

Going from such an eventful weekend to the mundaneness of every day life - I don't know which is worse: knowing Jeremy missed out incredible memory-making events that he would have loved, or knowing that my every day at home is just miserable without him. 

I guess it just sucks no matter which way you slice it.


21 comments:

Christine said...

I wish I had something meaningful to say but there is nothing....I just didn't want to be silently blog-stalking you. I'm so sorry that you have to navigate through life without your partner.

Priscilla said...

My heart breaks for you and I cry when I read your blog. Every time. Thank you for being so willing to share your story and your heartache with absolute strangers like me. I will be praying for you, especially in these next few weeks when baby Carter makes his debut. I will be praying for strength and a peace that passes all understanding.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

I think it's great that you went to the conference and how amazing that college kids were able to raise money for your fam and the mission trip. Hugs to you Vee-thinking of you often.

white collar | green soul said...

You are an amazing, amazing woman and your kids are so incredibly blessed to have you. You will be an incredible mom to that little boy and though I know eventually he'll wish he had known his wondeful dad, I am sure he will never, ever feel a lack of love.

- agata.

Kolein said...

Vee,

I am still carrying you and your sweet family around in my heart. Sometimes I pray for you. Sometimes I sing out to God for you. Sometimes I cry.

All my love,
~Kolein

Marva said...

Hi Vee! I found your blog through Rebecca Little that was at the Gulf Coast getaway. she is my cousin. I have no words; other than I am sorry and I will be praying for you and your children. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." Phil. 4:13. Thinking of you and lfiting you up in prayer.

Marva

Brooke said...

Hugs to you, as always.

Heidi said...

I know that there are no words that will make you feel better. Just know a stranger is praying for you and your family daily. I am hopeful someday that you will find peace. God Bless you.

"Say What?" said...

(hugs). My prayers and thoughts are with you often.

widowedowl said...

Everything about this sucks. I am so sorry you have to go through these things without your love. It isn't right.

One book I read early on "How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies" by Therese Rando was very good. Many sections of that book described exactly how I felt. I only read hte first half, the second half was about putting your life back together and I wasn't ready for it when I first read it. I may be soon.

At almost 9 months. I am still living in limbo. Every night I get into bed, I can't believe that he will never be in it with me again.

I think of you often.

Melanie said...

I have no words of wisdom. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and pain. I will be praying for you and your children as you transition to a new and different kind of life. I pray God's peace, comfort and blessings for you, your children and your unborn child. (Here via http://www.joshuagraves.com/2011/01/20/a-million-pieces/)

http://musingsandmeanderings-mlp.blogspot.com/

Mrs. Sewell (Professional Wife and SAHM) said...

I am continuing to pray for you!

Crystal <><

sherene said...

hang in there...

LittlePaintedPolkaDots said...

I pray for you everyday. My heart hurts for you. I'm sorry, Vee.

Me and You, Just Us - Two. said...

Still thinking of you and praying for you since I found your blog.

O- God hears our prayers and knows our pain. He will rescue us when the hurt is to much to bear on our own.

A- I will remember God's presence when I am overcome with sadness. I will know that he always hears my prayers and will comfort me. I will turn to his word whenever I am filled with sorrow.

P- Dear God,
I am worn out from crying. My heart aches. My eyes are swollen. I know you are here with me and will comfort me. I pray that you take this burden from my heart and give me understanding. Help me remember your will and your timing. Give me a patient heart. Your loving daughter. Amen.

shelly said...

I know this sounds crazy...but here it goes. I believe God spoke to me about you though we've never met. My mom died in september and its been limbo for me since, thought its nothing like what your going through. Today, GOD clearly spoke to me and said, Jeremy...Hunting. I was so sure it was the Lord that I searched on google and found your story. I dont know why God told me this stuff, but I want you to know, that even though I live clear across the country, I am praying for you that God will hide you under the shadow of His wing, and that you will know that you are so very loved. He loves you so much!

Denise said...

Vee,
Just wanted to let you know, I said a special prayer for you today.

Denise (McArthur)Cameron

Joe.Karen said...

I was actually blog hopping through crafty blogs when I read about you.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and instantly make everything better.
I do want you to know that you have another person praying for you and your beautiful babies...

Kim said...

another stranger, lifting you up in prayer. My heart if full for you.

Conceita said...

praying. praying. praying.

vickdn said...

Thinking of you always, Vee. And hoping and praying.

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