Last year @ Gulf Coast Getaway. Jan 2010
I haven't been able to post....I don't know what to write. Not anything new anyway. A lot has happened over the last two weeks, and yet nothing has changed. I write to Jeremy every night before bed on his Facebook page and that has served as an outlet for me.
I started reading some of my grieving books. Mostly just to feel connected, to read what others have gone through. It's true that no matter how many people have experienced something similar to you, you still feel all alone in your grief. But something struck me in the book "Moments For Those Who Have Lost a Loved One" by Lois Mowday Rabey:
"Transitioning from intellectually understanding the reality of loss to actually living in the present with the reality of loss takes time. It does not occur at the moment of separation."
She calls this living in limbo. This is where I've found myself. Knowing my husband is gone and not ready yet to adhere it to my new reality, I "ache with the knowledge of loving someone and being loved." Sometimes I forget he's not here enough that I reach for his hand in the passenger seat. These are the hardest moments - when I finally realize he's not. It stings.
I spent the last 5 days in Panama City Beach, FL for Gulf Coast Getaway leading worship. Jeremy and I went for the first time last year and it was an incredible weekend. He was so looking forward to it this year, and it was incredibly bittersweet to be there without him. Every moment reminded me of the year before and how much Jeremy would have wanted to be a part of it. This year, they made a beautiful tribute video for him. Then, 1600 college students emptied their pockets and broke the ATM machine to raise money for missions in Honduras, and for me and the kids - I was speechless. Once again undeniable proof that no matter how angry I get at God, I know he and Jer are watching over me and walking through this with me.
I was so ready to come home after not seeing my kids for 6 days - the longest I've ever been away from them. I was ready to be back to the familiar, to see those sweet faces that have become some of my few sources of joy and peace over the last 2 1/2 months.
But then the reality of today really smacked me in the face. Realizing how close I am actually getting to my due date and how unprepared I am, I set out to get all the things still on my list for Carter: pack n play, car seat, swing, etc. I ended up having multiple anxiety attacks realizing I had to make all these mundane decisions without Jeremy. Decisions about OUR baby. I broke down in the middle of Babies R Us, reading all the daddy shirts. I cried with each item I chose, wondering if Jer would approve. I know he would, in all honesty. I could hear his voice saying 'It's okay baby, just get what you need' but that didn't stop me from wanting his opinion. He was always my voice of reason. Every few seconds, I would think 'I can't believe I'm doing this without him' and my heart would start racing and tears would threaten to fall. No wonder my blood pressure was high today at my prenatal appointment.
Going from such an eventful weekend to the mundaneness of every day life - I don't know which is worse: knowing Jeremy missed out incredible memory-making events that he would have loved, or knowing that my every day at home is just miserable without him.
I guess it just sucks no matter which way you slice it.