1.10.2011

2 months

Well, it's been two months. Two whole months. I can't believe it's been that long, and yet it's been the longest two months of my life.

I still ache everywhere.

I still cry myself to sleep every night.

I'm still just going through the motions to survive each day. Supposedly, it's around the 3 month mark that the finality sinks in and another wave a grief takes over. I guess I'll check in then and let you know. Because the reality is that I haven't accepted all this to be truth yet. My strong, handsome husband can't be dead. He is full of life, full of love, full of work yet to be done.

And yet, it is the nightmare I always thought it could be. I feel like every woman imagines what life would be like if something happened to her husband. I know I did. I used to tell Jeremy constantly that I don't know what I would do, I wouldn't be able to breathe. I used to cry just thinking about losing him. I had visions of me on my knees crying out, unable to stop tears and the snot-flying emotions that come along with them.

Most of it is true.

I still have a hard time breathing, it honestly hurts sometimes. I have to remind myself to keep going. I really don't know how I am going to do this without him, especially after Carter is born. To say I'm terrified is the understatement of the century.

The only difference is that I haven't let myself go all the way to depths of grief I know are lurking in the corners of my broken heart. I haven't fallen to my knees in despair, because honestly I'm afraid that if I do, I won't be able to get back up. I don't think I'd recover.

Somehow I make it through the day. I will say that I'm so grateful to the incredible people in my life. I imagine it is difficult to be around me right now, I don't have any interest in being social and I certainly am not the girl I was 2 months ago, but my friends have stuck by my side. They've silently wrapped their love around me and stood by, waiting to be useful. And when I can't ask for something, they just do it anyway.

Not just friends, but strangers too.

People I have never even met before are writing me, donating, praying for me, clicking on  Pennies on a Platter everyday to raise money for me and my children - it's amazing. And now, another fellow blogger is teaming up with Pennies on a Platter to help raise even more  - Mama Still Wears Gucci - click on her blog and read more about how you can help.

In 2 short months, I've learned what it means to lose everything that matters in life. I've also learned what true unconditional love from others can do.

Oh, the irony. I wish these two situations didn't have to come together.

34 comments:

Lacey said...

Vee,
I still can't breath either i totally get what you mean about not being able to go to the depths of your grief yet. I've been so busy since Elliott was killed and it feels like I'm still waiting to really feel the full effect of the pain. I also can relate to the irony of feeling the love people have to offer but receiving that love because you lost the one you love the most. I'm holding you in my thoughts and prays... sending love your way.

Delaney said...

I cry when I read your blog. Which in part is why I have a hard time becoming a follower of your blog. :) Your story just breaks my heart. I always stop and pray for you as I am reading...

I look forward to the day when Jesus will be able to permanently wipe away your tears...

Jackie said...

*Sigh*

My heart just aches for you. I can't even imagine your hurt.

Still praying for you...

Anyes said...

Clicking away on both links and praying for you, life is indeed full of cruel irony sometimes

Katie said...

Oh my, I've missed so much in my break from blogging. I cannot even begin to imagine and hope that you find hope, love and strength each and every day!

Anonymous said...

Heatbreaking...I don't know what to say. Just know I'm lifting you and your kids in prayer.

A Martini Always Helps said...

Lots of strangers are reading and we're sending you some good juju to get through this.

Alicia said...

I found your blog a few weeks ago through Pennies on a Platter. I just want to let you know that I am standing by you as a sister in Christ, praying for you daily. I think of you often and pray for you often.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

I never know what I say but I always just want to comment to let you know that I'm thinking and praying for you and your babies.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

I never know what I say but I always just want to comment to let you know that I'm thinking and praying for you and your babies.

Anonymous said...

Can't imagine what you are going through. Praying for you and that God's love will envelope you daily.

Mrs. Sewell (Professional Wife and SAHM) said...

Vee,

You are in our prayers!

Crystal <><

Jessie's Girls said...

There are times when I don't know how to pray over certain situations because I just can't imagine how it can be made better, or what God can possibly do with such a mess, but I still do, saying "Lord, you know." And I've seen him do amazing things after horrible brokenness. I can't see the "other side" for you, but I keep praying God will carry you during all the grief and heartache that has to come on the way.

Anonymous said...

Veronica, read this and Just keep breathing.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/01/how-to-just-keep-breathing-on-a-monday/

Rhonda said...

Vee,
I find the need to "check" on you often. I can't imagine how you are hurting, or what you are going through. Stay strong, keep your babies close, and take care of yourself for the little love that is coming into your life soon.

We, your blogging "friends" are loving you and sending you all the support we can. Lean on us, lean on your friends. They want to help you, and may not know what you need. Tell them. Tell us. Whatever you need, I and the others who send you messages here honestly do care about you.

csego said...

Veronica,
I was just worshipping with you at renovate this weekend and listening to your angelic voice and I just kept thinking how? How and Why is she up there singing to God? After all you have been through and so recently! How are you able to get up there and sing praises to Him and not be so unbelievably angry? I had a miscarriage 7 years ago and I am not at all saying that that compares in anyway to the loss you have endured. But I do know some of the feelings that come with the feeling of loss. I remember thinking how angry I was with so many things, God, the world for not stopping and grieving with me, commercials of pg tests and ovulation calculators and birth control, just people being happy in general! I was a good person and did not deserve this in anyway. People let me grieve for about 2 months and then "they" decided it was time for me to get over it. I couldn't get over it, I couldn't live. I did not know HOW! One day I did what I thought would lead me to my death, the unthinkable....I screamed and had it out with God. I poured every bit of my being out to Him and really let Him have it. I told Him all that I was feeling. I was sure He would strike me dead right then and there for Noone speaks to Him like that and lives! I didn't care, He had let me down and He was going to hear it no matter what the consequence. It took many months after that day but now that I look back, that was the first day that I really started to heal. The sad thing is there is no human on this earth that can help you through this, of course you can have good friends and family, even your children, to lean on but for true healing it is so very personal and God is the only one that can and will heal you. Let yourself feel all that you are feeling, you have permission and are allowed to have every feeling....God put them in you! Vee, somehow someway in time God will bring you through this...I know you don't want to hear any of this but God is using YOU to touch people and bring them back to Him. You can't see it right now but it's happening. Of all the things we saw at renovate, the teachings, the 321 improv, the lessons by David, the Jesus Painter..YOU are what moved our teen group above everything else! You may not know this yet, and it will take much emotion before you can look back on all of this but eventually you will look back and see it. Thank you for teaching us! If you ever need to vent or talk with a stranger, but sister in Christ, you can email me at my personal email at csego@att.net. It's all because of Him, much love to you!
Cathy Sego
Southland C of C

Melrose said...

I cant remember if I commented the first time I saw your story just a week or so after Jeremy's death. I lost my dad in a plane crash two weeks before my 18th birthday. I will never forget the horrifying days. I was the oldest child at home at the time with two younger siblings and I remember that weekend after the crash trying to help my mom figure out a weed whacker. :) We were a mess as we sobbed and screamed at the stupid thing.

Five years later I was married and had my first child. My husband was a seminary student at the time. Then, another seminary wife's husband died very unexpectedly of cancer. She was 4 weeks pregnant with their first baby. Through that tragedy I became friends with her. It took 3 1/2 years for God to heal her broken bleeding heart, and she still grieves daily for her husband...but something miraculous happened. My husband and I were sent several states away upon his graduation and I strong armed her into joining the internet dating site, eH@rmony. Well, just as she was about to cancel her membership after only a couple months, she met a man...two hours from my house several states from where she lived!!! She married him last may, is expecting her second child, and we see each other at least once a month. Absolute miracle.

I still cry myself to sleep too many times to admit because my superhero died. I know my mom still does. I know you will too even 15 years from now. But I pray bit by bit God gives you miracles of happiness and provision.

happeningsonchaosranch said...

I'm clicking and praying for you too. Just wanted you to know that there are a lot of folks out here that you'll never hear from that know about you and your kids and care about y'all. Take care.

Hugs and Much love,

Sharon

purseblogger said...

I heard about you through Gucci's blog. I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your children are in my prayers. xoxo

Andrea said...

I can't say I know how you feel, in regards to losing your husband, but knowing what happens after losing a child, I can tell you for certain that you will survive - especially after Carter arrives!

That little boy is going to bless your life in so many ways, and in a small way, he will bring a piece of Jeremy back to you.

I know that sounds strange, and really, it's hard to explain, but my world came crashing down when my daughter died. However, when her baby brother was born, not only did I get the joy of knowing him, but it was like a little piece of her was given back to me.

I'm sure you will see little pieces of Jeremy in Carter, whether it be in his looks, his personality... something will be there. And even though it won't make you miss Jeremy any less (because really, why should you?), you will be able to find a little smile again, knowing that Carter came from the love that you share.

Hang in there!

white collar | green soul said...

......

sending prayers.

- agata.

Pam said...

I was sent here from A Peek at Karen's World and will be visiting Pennies on a Platter, too. I'm at a complete loss for words. You have suffered an unimaginable tragedy. My heart goes out to you and your children.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you every day, Veronica!

--Denise Cameron (McArthur)

Little Miss Paige said...

Oh Vee Baby, you are so strong, brave and inspiring. I believe that your husband is full of life, love and work...you just can't see it. I feel like if we were truly able to open our eyes, we would be able to recognize all of the heavenly help we are getting every day. He is working hard and oh how he loves you still.

xox.

Jennee said...

My heart breaks for you! I'm so sorry about your loss and wish I could offer you words of comfort. Praying for you.

Janet said...

I'm stopping by from Karen's blog today. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sending you a bloggy hug and kind thoughts. And now I'm off to click on Pennie's on a Platter.

vicki haley said...

I found your blog through Pennie's on a Platter. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know you are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Hello. You've never met me, but I know of you through someone else, and was told about your blog. Try not to be creeped out. :] For the past two months I've read, and prayed, and thought of you and your babies a lot. I know that when someone is grieving, people want so badly to help, but I know that I can't. As a wife, and a mother, I feel horrible about how everything you know has been turned upside down. It's not fair.

Even though I don't know you personally, I feel like maybe I should open up a little bit. Not only have I read your blog, but I've read a lot of your friends' blogs who are widows. My marriage was hard for a long time. We started out very young, and had our first child right away. There was a lot of resentment that built up for various reasons. For the last year I've been wanting to work at getting back to a place where I wasn't resentful. Reading your blog, and many others has made me so very appreciative for what I have, and has pushed me to let a lot of things go.

I don't want to say the tacky and inappropriate, "things happen for a reason", that's not what I mean. But because of what happened you have shared your story, and you have helped at least one person. You may have saved a marriage, you may be saving five, or helped someone in another way completely.

Your husband's memory will live on in all of your good deeds in his name.

You feel horrible, but you are doing your best. I'm so proud of you for building a support group. I'm sure that they will be your life line.

I just wanted you to know that you've helped, and now Jeremy's life has had a significant impact on a stranger's life.

Much love. We're praying every day.

Pointy Pix said...

I found out about your heartbreaking story through Happenings on Chaos Ranch and I am crying as I read this post. I can't begin to imagine how much you have lost and what it takes for you to simply wake up each morning and continue on with your life when the love of your life is no longer beside you. I don't have children and I sometimes think that if anything were to happen to my husband I would simply cease to exist as he is my world and I would have nothing else to carry on for. You have to be strong however because of your two little one and little Carter growing inside you. I don't know but I imagine that however hard it seems having your children to continue a daily routine for may be a blessing and a saving grace as they are something so precious you created with your husband and their very existance will prevent you from simply curling up and losing yourself in your grief.

My heart aches for you and I will continue reading and clicking from several thousand miles away. xx

Marla said...

I heard about your story through Karen's blog. My heart hurts for you so much. I will be clicking often on both Pennies and Gucci. You and your family are in my prayers.

Tamara said...

I stumbled upon your blog today (via Rollin' with the Rooneys), I am so very sorry about your loss.

I live in Macomb Township and remember clearly the day I heard you on 95.5 while on my way to work, I cried the entire way and once I got to work my bosses and cw's were concerned about me and I remember sharing your story with them and other friends because it just broke my heart for you and your children.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, you are a beautiful strong woman and it is so unfair that you have to go through this.

I'm your newest follower.

Anonymous said...

Ps 34:18 "The Lord is close to those whose hearts have been broken. He saves those whose spirits have been crushed."
I know it may seem like God is no where to be found, but I promise He knows every detail of your life and He's with you every step of the way. Thought you might like this youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e4zgJXPpI4
I've been in your shoes, and I remember what it felt like to have your world fall apart around you and to lose hope in anything ever being right again. In the midst of your grief I encourage you to let Jesus hold it all together. You don't have the strength right now, but He does.
Becky

Michelle Pixie said...

I also heard about you through Gucci's blog. My heart aches for you and your family. I am holding you all close to my heart and keeping you in my thoughts. XXOO

Me and You, Just Us - Two. said...

I stumbled across your blog thru a mutal person we follow.

My heart aches for you. I have no words other than I will pray for you.

I know that you said sometimes reading other blogs are not comforting to you, because of the anger you feel but a blog I have been following for over a year now and feel you may one day when you are ready read. http://bandssullivans.blogspot.com

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