Well, it's been two months. Two whole months. I can't believe it's been that long, and yet it's been the longest two months of my life.
I still ache everywhere.
I still cry myself to sleep every night.
I'm still just going through the motions to survive each day. Supposedly, it's around the 3 month mark that the finality sinks in and another wave a grief takes over. I guess I'll check in then and let you know. Because the reality is that I haven't accepted all this to be truth yet. My strong, handsome husband can't be dead. He is full of life, full of love, full of work yet to be done.
And yet, it is the nightmare I always thought it could be. I feel like every woman imagines what life would be like if something happened to her husband. I know I did. I used to tell Jeremy constantly that I don't know what I would do, I wouldn't be able to breathe. I used to cry just thinking about losing him. I had visions of me on my knees crying out, unable to stop tears and the snot-flying emotions that come along with them.
Most of it is true.
I still have a hard time breathing, it honestly hurts sometimes. I have to remind myself to keep going. I really don't know how I am going to do this without him, especially after Carter is born. To say I'm terrified is the understatement of the century.
The only difference is that I haven't let myself go all the way to depths of grief I know are lurking in the corners of my broken heart. I haven't fallen to my knees in despair, because honestly I'm afraid that if I do, I won't be able to get back up. I don't think I'd recover.
Somehow I make it through the day. I will say that I'm so grateful to the incredible people in my life. I imagine it is difficult to be around me right now, I don't have any interest in being social and I certainly am not the girl I was 2 months ago, but my friends have stuck by my side. They've silently wrapped their love around me and stood by, waiting to be useful. And when I can't ask for something, they just do it anyway.
Not just friends, but strangers too.
People I have never even met before are writing me, donating, praying for me, clicking on Pennies on a Platter everyday to raise money for me and my children - it's amazing. And now, another fellow blogger is teaming up with Pennies on a Platter to help raise even more - Mama Still Wears Gucci - click on her blog and read more about how you can help.
In 2 short months, I've learned what it means to lose everything that matters in life. I've also learned what true unconditional love from others can do.
Oh, the irony. I wish these two situations didn't have to come together.