I had another dream last night about Jeremy, but this one was very different.
I don't remember it quite as vividly, but I remember being very angry. I was sitting with a group of women, and someone walked in late. I instantly got a bad vibe from her, turned away from her and started talking with other girls. Later on, we were gathered in a circle taking prayer requests, and this woman kept interrupting everyone and being very rude. She started making 'ridiculous' prayer requests (I don't know if those actually exist, but in my dream, they certainly seemed to be) - and my face and neck started to burn in fury. Finally, I burst into tears and starting shouting something like: How dare you? You have no idea how insensitive you're being. I'm sitting here suffocating in the loss of the love of my life, and all you can do is sit there and be petty about things that don't matter?!? How incredibly disgusting.
I wish I had recorded this dream this morning when I woke up, cause I've already lost most of the pieces. I think Jer was there somewhere, but now I can't remember. All I remember was wanting to make this girl feel awful. As awful as I feel.
Then today, I went to get a pedicure while waiting for the kids to get out of school, and had to listen to a very loud woman go on and on and on about the horrible month she'd had. Only to her, a horrible month meant traveling too much to see too many people and hitting terrible traffic each time. I wanted to leap across the room and slap her.
I wish everyone got the memo. I wish people knew so I wouldn't have to explain it. At the same time, I'm so relieved to walk into a place where no one knows my situation and gives me that look. I hate that look. I don't want anyone to treat me differently, and yet I do. Does that make any sense? No pity, just sensitivity.
I've realized that I've spent the majority of the last few weeks being angry, especially over the holidays. Angry at God for allowing this to happen at one of the worst times imaginable in my life. Angry that I have to sit back and watch my friends grow old with their spouses, celebrate anniversaries, go on family vacations....the list never ends. Why am I the one suffering? I'm going through something most people will never come close to experiencing. I'm in the club no one wants to be in.
I read other blogs about people who have lost loved ones and found that I actually started comparing our situations. At least they got 20 years together, I only got 8. At least they didn't have children to worry about. At least their kids are old enough to remember their dad. At least she wasn't pregnant. They couldn't possibly have loved each other as much. I know all these thoughts are ridiculous and hurtful, and yet, there they are. I couldn't stop them. Anger was seeping out of my pores.
I think what happened was me feeling like I wasn't allowed to be angry. Even though I know people have good intentions and I don't get offended easily, people say stupid things sometimes. Things they mean to be helpful that make no sense or are hurtful instead. I didn't want to hear "Thank God Jeremy left you with 3 beautiful blessings." Yes, my children are blessings. Yes, they are the reason I'm still standing. But Jeremy would never leave them with me alone. And forgive me if you think less of me for this, but had I known I was going to have to do this alone, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant either. 2 kids is a lot. 3 was scary, even with Jeremy but he was the one I did it for. Without him, it seems impossible. The 'single mom' scene scares me, because I'm terrified of what people will assume. I did not choose to do this alone. I never worried about happily ever after, cause I had it. We were in it to win it, so I never doubted it.
Even more infuriating are the people who say things like "God chose this path for you because you are strong and knows you can endure." I will admit that my faith is weary right now, but I refuse to believe that God chose this for me. There are much more qualified people than I to handle this. Who aren't pregnant. Who don't have young children. I believe God is walking this with me, and I believe in a God who allows me to be angry and hurt and ask why. I read this the other day:
Though we know God is not to blame for any death, so many times it seems that he turns a blind eye by allowing his permissive will to occur. He stands dead-center when we are looking for a target. I'm convinced that God loves us so much that he is willing to take the blame, to absorb our anger when we need a punching bag. I think he would rather have us yelling at him than not speaking at all.
-Leslie Williams (Night Wrestling)
I have to hold on to this with every once of faith I have left, otherwise, what's the point? I can't believe in a God who chose to make me miserable. Who chose someone like Jeremy to go, when he still had so much good work to do on Earth, while there are horrible people still walking around. Once I realized that God allows me to be angry, I became less bitter. Anger is still there, but it's really a derivative of confusion and not understanding why. Slowly creeping in it's place is a deep sadness and loneliness I can't begin to describe. It's a sharp pain that I can only hope on it's best days will be a dull ache I'll somehow learn to live for the rest of my life.
There's so much on my mind and heart lately, I don't think it all came out very clearly. For all those who have commented and left condolences, please know I appreciate them all. I'm not angry at anyone for any comment they made, I know their intentions are good. I'm just trying to make sense of a world I no longer understand and I recognize that people don't 'get it.'
I know anger is supposed to be a part of this whole process, and I've faced it head on. I just don't know what the next step is.