Subconscious Overload

The only picture I have of Jeremy with Carter - scanned from a photo
booth film strip we did at a friend's wedding in September.

I had quite an eventful day on Wednesday. So many things happened in just a few hours:

First, I dropped Caleb off for 'Donuts with Dad' day at school. Oh, my heart. I started to tear up on the way there when we passed the school my husband worked for, which happens to be right next door to the church (where the preschool is located) and Caleb said "Hi Daddy's work!" like we used to every day he worked there. And without skipping a beat it was followed by "I love you Daddy!"

I thought I was doing good. One of Jeremy's best friends, Jon, took Caleb. I was going to let Caleb just stay home with me and thought about doing something special with him while Sissy was in school, but Caleb couldn't turn down a donut, and he asked if Jon could come. I think it was very special for both of them. But as soon as I got back into my car, tears overcame me. Knowing this was just the beginning to many other things in our kids' lives that Jeremy is going to miss was just too much for my heart to bare.

Then, I had a prenatal appointment. I was very anxious about this one. All weekend, I was unable to sleep thinking about how close I'm getting to having this baby. Anxiety was starting to creep in as I thought about going through labor without Jeremy. Even though my goal for this pregnancy was to have a vaginal delivery, I don't think I will be able to handle it emotionally without him there. I need him by my side, and there are absolutely no substitutes for that. Which brings me to my next point of anxiety - who's going to be with me? I know there will be a lot people there and I could ask anyone, but no one is Jeremy, no one is Carter's father. I'm thankful his mom will be there to hold him first, since that was Jer's job.

On top of all that, I am so completely done with being pregnant. I don't think I will ever be 'ready' to have this baby alone, but I sure am ready to be done with the pregnancy. I'm miserable physically, and obviously emotionally. It's really taking a toll on me. That combined with high blood pressure and the fact that Carter is already measuring to be a decent size, I asked the Doc what she thought about me scheduling an early C-Section. She actually thought it was a smart idea. My original thought was if I don't go into labor on my own, I'll wait for Jeremy's birthday, February 22, to schedule a C-Section in hopes that Carter will have something special to share with his daddy. But I don't think I can handle waiting 8 days after my due date and I wasn't convinced that them sharing a birthday was more emotionally healing than harming and I didn't want Carter's birthday to forever be overshadowed by loss.

After my appointment, my realtor called me to tell me my purchase agreement for a house I put an offer on the day before was approved! It was actually the fourth house I put an offer on. Once everything is said and done, I will feel more comfortable sharing details about me moving. But I will tell you it's a beautiful home and I'm thankful to not have to stay in our current house much longer, as I know Jeremy would not want me here alone without him. It's not a good area.

I will also say that I've had this weird pull to put another offer on the very first house I bid on. Something keeps pulling me back that house, I'm not sure what it is. But I figured I'll put one more offer in and if nothing happens, we'll continue to move forward with this other house....both are great deals for great houses. But I will solicit prayers that we get the right house for our family. Either way, we'll be moving very soon!

So, I scheduled a date to have Carter (which I will reveal once they confirm the appointment tomorrow) and got myself a house all in a matter of an hour.

Then I got home and received Jeremy's full autopsy report in the mail.

The language is very hard to get through. Some of it hard to understand, yes, but I'm referring to the medical coldness. It's a very impersonal way to read the most personal details about the person you know better than anyone in the world. It's hard to swallow. I expected the medical terms and facts, but not the sudden knowledge that someone examined every inch of my husband, and to them, it was just another dead body. Ugh.

I also expected the result of death to be a little more detailed, but left me wanting to know more. On Jer's death certificate, it's says onset of death: years. And yet, the full report revealed nothing to indicate when this started - 5 years or 25 years, I don't know. I know his heart condition would not have been easily detected, but it sucks to know that through all the visits to the hospital last year, nothing was found. We never had a chance to fight.

The funny and disturbing thing is that I dreamt about all these things last night. My subconscious has been working overtime lately, I have been dreaming about Jeremy a lot. But last night, I took some Benedryl to help me sleep thinking it would knock me out cold as usual, but I tossed and turned all night.

The first half of the night, with each toss and turn, I was debating which house to choose and what price to settle on.

The second half of the night I dreamt Jeremy came back to life for just a short time and I was telling him to call his mom so we could bump up the C-Section date and he could be present for the birth of his son.

Then I found myself asking Jeremy questions in my dream about his death. I asked him if he remembered falling, or the fact that he completely dislocated his fourth finger on his right hand when he fell. Thankfully, in my dream, he told me no. And I honestly believe that to be true to life as well. But in my dream he was very weak and I knew I didn't have him for long, but I felt so thankful to have him long enough to tell him I loved him and tell him how much we've missed him since he'd been gone. I wish that was real life.

It's funny how my dreams have been reflecting my life lately. I used to have all these bizarre dreams that seemed to make no sense, and now I find my subconscious really trying to work things out from my real life. I really hope it's Jer's way of talking to me. I pray to meet him in my dreams every night.


Losing Brownies said...

I still often dream of my late brother. I remember after he first past I talked to him about his manner of passing. I'm praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I had to take my 6 yo son to Father's night at school last September. I cried buckets; H-man was OK.

Treasure the dreams ... I haven't had one in such a long time and, while I am sad when I wake up, there is that sense of having had a visit from them.

Anonymous said...

I felt the same way about Chris's autopys report. We got it 3+ months after he died. Reading all that they tested and looked at was really hard to read, to think that he was just another on a long list of dead people they had looked at.

I use to really like mystery/crime shows. But now when they show morgues/medical examiners, I can't watch. It makes me sick to think that was Chris.

I hope everything works out for you with the house.

Thinking of you.


Anonymous said...

I felt the same way about Chris's autopys report. We got it 3+ months after he died. Reading all that they tested and looked at was really hard to read, to think that he was just another on a long list of dead people they had looked at.

I use to really like mystery/crime shows. But now when they show morgues/medical examiners, I can't watch. It makes me sick to think that was Chris.

I hope everything works out for you with the house.

Thinking of you.


white collar | green soul said...

Oh congratulations on the house! And good luck with making the decision - I am sure that whichever you choose, you will be happy with. House hunting is always a bit of a nightmare and really stressful, but at least you know the one offer went through! It must be a little bit of relief for you.

My prayers to you.
- agata.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Maybe because I've been reading your posts about your dreams of Jer but last night I had a dream in which a good friend from high school, who'd passed away, and I visited. I hope you get your C-section scheduled and that picture is great. Prayers always!

Kara Graves said...

What an overwhelming time for you to make so many decisions that no one should have to make alone, or all at the same time. We are praying for you, I am excited about your move. . .this is the right thing, and Jeremy would have blessed your decision, he wouldn't want you to stay in that neighborhood with your precious children. We love you!

Allison said...

After my husband died, my sister-in-law had 3 dreams where she asked him if he felt anything when the accident happened. Every time he answered, "No, Crystal all I experienced was a lot of noise". We all took it to be the truth. I even went to a psychic/median and asked her the same thing, she said that all he experienced was noise. Take that dream as the absolute truth, because most likely it is. I hope that you can find comfort in that some how. Dreams are a gift!

Christine said...

congrats on your getting your contract approved! Although things won't ever be "normal" again, it sounds like you are well on your way to your new version of normal. I hope it will come as a relief.
When I got my dad's autopsy report, I was thankful for the cold medical-ness of it. I was able to actually read it without crying (a lot).

Kolein said...

Hi Vee,

I'm still carrying you in my heart. And praying. And crying. For you. With you. Miles apart.


Anonymous said...

Vee- I check your blog everyday and read whatever is new, I also read Jeremy's wall everyday just to hear your thoughts...I think in hopes that one day I will figure out what I can say or do to somehow help. I know how busy you are and we never really get to chat, but I hope you really know I am just a phone call away.... Please one day find something for me to do to somehow help or make life easier, no matter how small, for you and your children. Love you and Miss you more than you know... -Monica C

V said...

I lost a loved one last year who was like glue to our family. It's auto pilot all the way through.You are very brave and strong even if it might not be your choice.It is inspiring. You and your little ones are in my prayers <3

Kelly said...

I just found your blog through another and the words, "I'm sorry" aren't nearly enough to express what I'm feeling as I read the words on your blog. You are an incredible wife and mother and I admire your strength.

So desperately I wish there were something more I could say.

You and your little ones are in my thoughts and prayers.

Karissa Jade Ferguson said...

That picture is great! There's a lot of college students in Murray who are praying for you! My husband is the campus minister there and we were at gulf coast getaway. Praying for you!


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