Subconscious Overload

The only picture I have of Jeremy with Carter - scanned from a photo

booth film strip we did at a friend's wedding in September.

I had quite an eventful day on Wednesday. So many things happened in just a few hours:

First, I dropped Caleb off for 'Donuts with Dad' day at school. Oh, my heart. I started to tear up on the way there when we passed the school my husband worked for, which happens to be right next door to the church (where the preschool is located) and Caleb said "Hi Daddy's work!" like we used to every day he worked there. And without skipping a beat it was followed by "I love you Daddy!"

I thought I was doing good. One of Jeremy's best friends, Jon, took Caleb. I was going to let Caleb just stay home with me and thought about doing something special with him while Sissy was in school, but Caleb couldn't turn down a donut, and he asked if Jon could come. I think it was very special for both of them. But as soon as I got back into my car, tears overcame me. Knowing this was just the beginning to many other things in our kids' lives that Jeremy is going to miss was just too much for my heart to bare.

Then, I had a prenatal appointment. I was very anxious about this one. All weekend, I was unable to sleep thinking about how close I'm getting to having this baby. Anxiety was starting to creep in as I thought about going through labor without Jeremy. Even though my goal for this pregnancy was to have a vaginal delivery, I don't think I will be able to handle it emotionally without him there. I need him by my side, and there are absolutely no substitutes for that. Which brings me to my next point of anxiety - who's going to be with me? I know there will be a lot people there and I could ask anyone, but no one is Jeremy, no one is Carter's father. I'm thankful his mom will be there to hold him first, since that was Jer's job.

On top of all that, I am so completely done with being pregnant. I don't think I will ever be 'ready' to have this baby alone, but I sure am ready to be done with the pregnancy. I'm miserable physically, and obviously emotionally. It's really taking a toll on me. That combined with high blood pressure and the fact that Carter is already measuring to be a decent size, I asked the Doc what she thought about me scheduling an early C-Section. She actually thought it was a smart idea. My original thought was if I don't go into labor on my own, I'll wait for Jeremy's birthday, February 22, to schedule a C-Section in hopes that Carter will have something special to share with his daddy. But I don't think I can handle waiting 8 days after my due date and I wasn't convinced that them sharing a birthday was more emotionally healing than harming and I didn't want Carter's birthday to forever be overshadowed by loss.

After my appointment, my realtor called me to tell me my purchase agreement for a house I put an offer on the day before was approved! It was actually the fourth house I put an offer on. Once everything is said and done, I will feel more comfortable sharing details about me moving. But I will tell you it's a beautiful home and I'm thankful to not have to stay in our current house much longer, as I know Jeremy would not want me here alone without him. It's not a good area.

I will also say that I've had this weird pull to put another offer on the very first house I bid on. Something keeps pulling me back that house, I'm not sure what it is. But I figured I'll put one more offer in and if nothing happens, we'll continue to move forward with this other house....both are great deals for great houses. But I will solicit prayers that we get the right house for our family. Either way, we'll be moving very soon!

So, I scheduled a date to have Carter (which I will reveal once they confirm the appointment tomorrow) and got myself a house all in a matter of an hour.

Then I got home and received Jeremy's full autopsy report in the mail.

The language is very hard to get through. Some of it hard to understand, yes, but I'm referring to the medical coldness. It's a very impersonal way to read the most personal details about the person you know better than anyone in the world. It's hard to swallow. I expected the medical terms and facts, but not the sudden knowledge that someone examined every inch of my husband, and to them, it was just another dead body. Ugh.

I also expected the result of death to be a little more detailed, but left me wanting to know more. On Jer's death certificate, it's says onset of death: years. And yet, the full report revealed nothing to indicate when this started - 5 years or 25 years, I don't know. I know his heart condition would not have been easily detected, but it sucks to know that through all the visits to the hospital last year, nothing was found. We never had a chance to fight.


The funny and disturbing thing is that I dreamt about all these things last night. My subconscious has been working overtime lately, I have been dreaming about Jeremy a lot. But last night, I took some Benedryl to help me sleep thinking it would knock me out cold as usual, but I tossed and turned all night.

The first half of the night, with each toss and turn, I was debating which house to choose and what price to settle on.

The second half of the night I dreamt Jeremy came back to life for just a short time and I was telling him to call his mom so we could bump up the C-Section date and he could be present for the birth of his son.

Then I found myself asking Jeremy questions in my dream about his death. I asked him if he remembered falling, or the fact that he completely dislocated his fourth finger on his right hand when he fell. Thankfully, in my dream, he told me no. And I honestly believe that to be true to life as well. But in my dream he was very weak and I knew I didn't have him for long, but I felt so thankful to have him long enough to tell him I loved him and tell him how much we've missed him since he'd been gone. I wish that was real life.

It's funny how my dreams have been reflecting my life lately. I used to have all these bizarre dreams that seemed to make no sense, and now I find my subconscious really trying to work things out from my real life. I really hope it's Jer's way of talking to me. I pray to meet him in my dreams every night.