A letter to Peanut

My dear sweet Carter,

This will be my last letter to you before I get to see your beautiful little face. I have a C-Section scheduled for February 8 @ 8:00...only 8 days away. I'm filled with so many different emotions I don't even know how to articulate them all.

First and foremost, I'm scared. No, terrified. Last weekend, I started having anxiety attacks thinking about going into labor without your Daddy. It's ironic that I've wanted to have a natural birth since day one, and now the thought of it scares me half to death. I don't think I can emotionally get through it without Daddy by my side, he was my rock and the one who made me feel invincible. I talked to the doctor about it at my last appointment, and my anxiety on top of my high blood pressure added to the fact that we think you're already gonna be a big boy, we thought it best to get you outta there. You're taking a toll on my body, buddy. I know of a lot of it is my emotional pain converting into physical pain, but either way - I'm ready for you to come out!

Pregnancy is supposed to be a magical time. I feel angry for both of us that we got cheated out of that because I've had to focus all my energy just on getting through the days without falling apart. I've found myself in the deepest pits of despair, on my knees worried I may never get up. This is not an experience either one of us should have to be going through right now. I'm trying to take care of you. If Daddy were here, he'd be easing my pain with foot massages, back rubs, and taking good care of us both while getting so anxious to meet you. I don't really have anyone to share this with anymore. Faith comes the closest, and she is so excited to meet you and help me take care of you. But of course, it's not the same.

Even though fear is at the top of my list of emotions right now, I don't want you to discount my excitement for meeting you, baby boy. Am I scared? Definitely. Am I worried? Yes. Am I already totally in love with you? Without a doubt. I'm really just focusing on surviving the day, but I promise to do my best to love you and provide for you no matter what.

I really can't wait to meet you, to see your handsome face and remember what I was doing this all for in the first place. And as much as it hurts to not have Daddy with us to greet you into the world, I know he'll be by my side watching over us both. I hope you look just like him. I can't wait to tell you all about him.

I can't be everything you need, but I promise to be everything I can be. Please just come out safe and healthy, and we'll take it from there.

I love you, Carter.



T said...

Oh Vee...I have been following your blog for quite a while now. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and moments. I hope it's part of a healing process for you. Yesterday marked the 2nd anniversary of a young father/friend of mine who went to sleep and never woke up. It was a Friday and "Donuts with Daddy" day at school. He never made it there with his sweet Kindergarten daughter. When I read your post, I couldn't help to cry with you, for you and for your sweet children. My friend also couldn't stay in the same house and moved within a year of his passing. I pray for you to find the strength and courage in the days ahead. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Sandy said...

Vee, Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us. We will be praying with and for you in the coming weeks.

Photo Freak said...

I cant even imagine. BLess y ou hun. I pray that miracles happen in your life, that this little boy well be a blessing beyond anything you could of imagined.

Natalie Hassell said...

Little Carter is lucky to have such a strong, loving momma. Praying for you and your children.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

What a sweet letter, I bet you're so excited to meet him and the kids too! I'll be anxiously awaiting pictures of the new peanut when he arrives. Hugs and prayers always.

Jessie's Girls said...

I'm so glad that you were able to make a decision with your doctor that will help to ease some of your anxiety.
Praying for you.

Vicki said...

We're all trying to share this with you. I know it's not the same, but we're here, none-the-less.

Love you.

Kim said...

praying for you . . . can't wait for you to hold that little man :)

Anonymous said...

You go girl. Can't wait to see pics of your beautiful baby boy.

Anonymous said...

Vee, We don't know each other, but I've been reading your blog. My husband died 6 months after my second child was born. Our journey is so different, but I just wanted to let you know that I have made it nearly 6 years without him (missing him every moment) and my little one is doing ok. He is a happy, healthy wonderful little guy. He never really knew his dad, but his memories of him are strong...they are our shared memories, our stories. He loves his daddy very much, but never got to play with him really. I did have my husband with me when Ben was born, but he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer only 5 days later. New birth and death all rolled up into the first six months of my baby's life. It's just so wrong. I just want you to know that I will be sending you all the strength I can muster on the 8th as you welcome your son. It is such a hard journey to raise our children without their dads here...but so worth it. Hang in there and know you are surrounded with love and prayers.


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