Our last family photo. We're all in it - all 5 of us.
Even though I wrote to Jer about this tonight, I only get 1000 characters on Facebook, and it just isn't nearly enough to muddle through all my emotions tonight. I can't see clearly through my sobs tonight, so bear with me.
Today, I just can't seem to get over how heart broken I feel for my sweet babies.
I wanted to dedicate my entire day to my kids today. Before Jeremy died, we were pretty good about having 'Friday Family nights' where we would stay in, make our own pizzas (or order it if we didn't have everything or felt lazy) and do something together as a family. Most recently, they had almost always included a game of Hi-Ho Cherry-O and of course, wrestling. Faith told me tonight that no matter what we do, wrestling with Daddy is always "special-er" than anything else. They asked him to wrestle the second he walked in the door almost every day.
We haven't had a 'Friday Family Day' since Jer left us. Mostly because things have been so crazy, but also because I just have a hard time feeling like a family with such a huge piece missing. It hurts too much to call us a 'family' without Jeremy, even worse to celebrate it. But I wanted to bring the essence of that to the kids today, to let them know how much I love them and wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them.
Now, for the last 9 months, I haven't been able to wrestle. I can't do much of anything these days, so I took the kids to 3 different play places. We stayed out all day, walked around the mall, went shopping, had lunch and dinner together, got hair cuts, ate cotton candy....partly to keep them from taking a nap today cause they've been getting up WAY too early lately, and partly to savor one whole day together. Just the three of us, before 3 becomes 4....
Overall, the day was a success. I know it was for the kids, anyway. I teared up on and off throughout the day. I've been okay for a few days, nothing too overwhelming, but it was getting worse today. It really started to hit me when we went to the "Fishy Store" (aka Bass Pro) to look at the fish. If you know me, you know I have a pretty severe phobia of fish, and this was always Daddy's job. I had to text our friend Jon to tell him how proud Jer would have been of me to bring the kids there. Not only did I stand next to the tank with them, but the fish didn't phase me much because all I could think about was how much I wanted him to be there.
On the way home, we reflected on our day and I asked the kids if they had a good time. This was our conversation in the car:
Faith: "Yes, I had lots of fun. And we even went to the Fishy Store for Daddy."
Me (starting to tear up): "Yes, I think Daddy would be proud of us. I really wish he could have been there, he would have had a fun day with us..." I didn't finish cause I started crying.
Faith: "Mommy, you don't have to cry. We did it FOR Daddy."
Me: "I know, baby. I'm crying because my heart is still broken from missing Daddy so much. And it's okay to cry when you have a broken heart."
Faith: "Maybe I can give you one of my Dora Princess band-aids to heal it."
Me (crying even harder now): "Oh sweet girl, I wish that would work."
Caleb: "No Faith, when I grow up to be a Daddy, her heart will be healed."
My first thought was: Jer, how can you be missing this?!? The two sweetest souls on earth trying to ease my heartache in their pure innocence - they do not deserve this life they've been suddenly given. There are just so many things that I cannot be for them. And I can't believe the way they've banded together over the last few months....they really have never been closer. They've been playing so well together, sleeping together - I think they've been subconsciously leaning on each other for support.
And all day, all I kept replaying in my head was that even though it made me physically sick to my stomach to think about, I would give up a future with Jeremy if it meant he could come back and be a Daddy to our babies. No one could replace him in their lives and they need him so badly to be their example, their rock, their knight in shining armor.
And for the one who will never know him....my sweet Carter. He'll never know what a great loss we have suffered. He will be born into a broken family and will never know what it feels like to be whole.
My heart aches beyond measure tonight. Praying for peace to come in the morning.