A broken family

Our last family photo. We're all in it - all 5 of us.

Even though I wrote to Jer about this tonight, I only get 1000 characters on Facebook, and it just isn't nearly enough to muddle through all my emotions tonight. I can't see clearly through my sobs tonight, so bear with me.

Today, I just can't seem to get over how heart broken I feel for my sweet babies.

I wanted to dedicate my entire day to my kids today. Before Jeremy died, we were pretty good about having 'Friday Family nights' where we would stay in, make our own pizzas (or order it if we didn't have everything or felt lazy) and do something together as a family. Most recently, they had almost always included a game of Hi-Ho Cherry-O and of course, wrestling. Faith told me tonight that no matter what we do, wrestling with Daddy is always "special-er" than anything else. They asked him to wrestle the second he walked in the door almost every day.

We haven't had a 'Friday Family Day' since Jer left us. Mostly because things have been so crazy, but also because I just have a hard time feeling like a family with such a huge piece missing. It hurts too much to call us a 'family' without Jeremy, even worse to celebrate it. But I wanted to bring the essence of that to the kids today, to let them know how much I love them and wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them.

Now, for the last 9 months, I haven't been able to wrestle. I can't do much of anything these days, so I took the kids to 3 different play places. We stayed out all day, walked around the mall, went shopping, had lunch and dinner together, got hair cuts, ate cotton candy....partly to keep them from taking a nap today cause they've been getting up WAY too early lately, and partly to savor one whole day together. Just the three of us, before 3 becomes 4....

Overall, the day was a success. I know it was for the kids, anyway. I teared up on and off throughout the day. I've been okay for a few days, nothing too overwhelming, but it was getting worse today. It really started to hit me when we went to the "Fishy Store" (aka Bass Pro) to look at the fish. If you know me, you know I have a pretty severe phobia of fish, and this was always Daddy's job. I had to text our friend Jon to tell him how proud Jer would have been of me to bring the kids there. Not only did I stand next to the tank with them, but the fish didn't phase me much because all I could think about was how much I wanted him to be there.

On the way home, we reflected on our day and I asked the kids if they had a good time. This was our conversation in the car:

Faith: "Yes, I had lots of fun. And we even went to the Fishy Store for Daddy."

Me (starting to tear up): "Yes, I think Daddy would be proud of us. I really wish he could have been there, he would have had a fun day with us..." I didn't finish cause I started crying.

Faith: "Mommy, you don't have to cry. We did it FOR Daddy."

Me: "I know, baby. I'm crying because my heart is still broken from missing Daddy so much. And it's okay to cry when you have a broken heart."

Faith: "Maybe I can give you one of my Dora Princess band-aids to heal it."

Me (crying even harder now): "Oh sweet girl, I wish that would work."

Caleb: "No Faith, when I grow up to be a Daddy, her heart will be healed."

My first thought was: Jer, how can you be missing this?!? The two sweetest souls on earth trying to ease my heartache in their pure innocence - they do not deserve this life they've been suddenly given. There are just so many things that I cannot be for them. And I can't believe the way they've banded together over the last few months....they really have never been closer. They've been playing so well together, sleeping together - I think they've been subconsciously leaning on each other for support.

And all day, all I kept replaying in my head was that even though it made me physically sick to my stomach to think about, I would give up a future with Jeremy if it meant he could come back and be a Daddy to our babies. No one could replace him in their lives and they need him so badly to be their example, their rock, their knight in shining armor.

And for the one who will never know him....my sweet Carter. He'll never know what a great loss we have suffered. He will be born into a broken family and will never know what it feels like to be whole.

My heart aches beyond measure tonight. Praying for peace to come in the morning.


Zookeeper Jess said...

My heart hurts for you. Cannot imagine. :(

Sharon said...

Thanks for sharing this. Your little ones are just what you said. So sweet and innocent. They really do want to give you comfort.

Still praying for a peace that transends understanding.
I am also praying for you to physically be feeling much better once Carter is here.

Anonymous said...

I will be praying for you, and for your dear sweet children.


Rebekah said...

Your family is beautiful. The hearts of your kids are a true testament to the love you and Jeremy poured into them. I think this must be the worst pain a person could ever feel...you are doing tremendous and it's evident that your family is clinging to each other.

Allyson & Jere said...

Oh the sorrow I feel for you and your sweet children. It isn't fair, not at all. Your childrens conversation just about sent me over the edge. Children are AMAZING. Their sweetness, innocence and resiliance.

I will tell you this. Though Carter won't know Jeremy in this world, I truly and completely believe that he has had all of this time to know him and be held by him and loved by him up there. Jeremy is helping prepare Carter for his time down here. And Carter will KNOW his Daddies spirit. That doesn't help ease the pain of the here and now, but you have to know that Jeremy is with him now.

Did I already tell you that my husbands Dad died when he was 7 mos. old? It definitely affects his life. But, the best thing you could ever do for this sweet baby is to always remember and talk about his Dad. He's lucky you have this blog and pictures and stuff to show him.

Kristin said...

Praying for peace for you for the morning as you take one day at a time. Your children are lovely...their comments are so sweet. It's evident how much they love you, and you them.

Photo Freak said...

I am heart broken for you and I pray God heals you and blesses you more than you could ever imagine.

Anonymous said...

nodding. sobbing but nodding along because this is US.

One thing my daughter wanted after Greg died was a family portrait. So the three of us went down to our local fabulous photographer and had a photo of our now family. ... as if to prove to ourselves that we are still a family. Not whole, not perfect, not the way it was, but still family.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but I check your blog often to see how you're doing, and it always makes me cry. And I'm not a mom, but I send prayers and good vibes and hope and wishes for you and the little ones because I know what it's like to try and start over.

One breath at a time... believe me, healing is coming.

Meeghan said...

Reading through tears. Praying for your family and peace to come this morning. You are such a strong person. Glad to hear that you had a great day with your children.

Christine said...

From the mouths of those beautiful little babes...

What blessings they are!

Amy said...

Oh, those babies are so sweet. They are beautiful little blessings. I've been thinking about you and your family.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

How sweet those two are, that's great that they're leaning on each other and trying to help you heal. You may be a broken family but it sounds like you guys are doing well helping each other out. Hugs & prayers Vee!

Amanda said...

It's the day after you wrote this beautiful post and after reading your FB status, I think you found *some* peace overnight. I hope Jeremy continues to visit you in your dreams as well as watch down on all of you. Thinking of you all often. :)

PS: I totally think a Dora band-aid could mend a broken heart. ;)

Vicki said...

Vee - you might not want to hear this, but I just have to remind you that though sweet Carter is being born into loss. Although it's a broken family and you feel like he'll never know what it means to be whole - that is God's job, not ours. Not just for him, but for all of you. Look to our Father. He will heal you and make you whole again. One day. It won't be soon. I don't want to belittle your feelings at all, I think you know that. I just want to remind you that our hope is in God and HE CAN RESTORE A WHOLENESS TO THE MOST BROKEN PLACES. Nothing is impossible for Him. I love you.

Shannon said...

You don't know me IRL, but I discovered your blog through Pennies on a Platter, and I read you regularly now. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers often. I'm praying for peace for you all, and for safe delivery for you and Carter.

Heather said...

I found your blog through Pennies on a Platter. I am so inspired by the courage you show for you and your children. I pray for your family often.

sherene said...

You are so strong, and I'm so proud of you. I'm praying for you and the kids, and for Carter.

Anonymous said...

i also do not know you but follow your blog...crying as i read it each time because i can't imagine the loss you are experiencing and my tears come when i imagine having to go thru this...

your writing amazes me...very real. there are few people who verbalize things so well...it will be good for your kids to read when they are older...

praying for you even tho we are strangers...continue to pour out your heart to the Lord...even if it is in anger. He also knows what it is like to experience great loss and separation...when none of us can relate - He can.

please post ways that people can you. do you need things for the baby? money? gift cards? clothes or stuff for the kids?

The Domestic Engineer said...

I've been peaking in and reading from time to time, but actually started following your blog today. I'll try to explain to you how I heard of your story without using last names. Daniel/Sara/Jonah. I'm Daniel's cousin. I grew up at the church that you attend/work at, but I know that we probably never crossed paths.

But anyways, I have absolutely ached for you everyday since you lost Jeremy. You are never far from my thoughts, and you are ALWAYS in my prayers.

I have to admit that I have read most of your posts just feeling sick for you, but tonight I sobbed. I got up from the computer and got a box of Kleenex and sat back down and sobbed. I have two children, 5&3. They are 16 months apart. I know that I don't "know" what it's like, but just trying to imagine it is a lot.

I admire the fact that you keep on breathing.

You are doing such wonderful things for your children. I know that you probably have times when you crawl up in a ball and don't want to get back up, but I just want to tell you how awesome you are for pulling yourself out of the darkness to make those precious babies day. You have a wonderful attitude. Your children will always know what love is. Their broken home will be different. They will have love, and lots of it.

Tiffany said...

You are an amazing Mama. You are just what your babies need.

Lots of love and prayers.

MommyToTwoBoys said...

Thank you for sharing this. You are such a strong mama. Once again, I am reminded to live each day to the fullest. Even if my husband and I are not perfect, he is a good man, and the father to my boys. I need to remember how important he is to them. Thank you, thank you.

I will have you and your beautiful family in my thoughts.

white collar | green soul said...

don't underestimate how much they need their mommy too.... coming from a stranger, i know it's probably weird, but you are an amazing soul, a strong woman (even though it may not feel like it) and those children are so blessed to have you guiding them through life.

praying for you, each day.

- agata.


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