Milestones

Yesterday, Carter turned a month old. Can you believe that? A whole month has gone by in a blink of an eye. My little man is getting so big, already exceeding 10 pounds. He's healthy and happy (most of the time) and his siblings are absolutely in love with him, to the point of smothering.

To celebrate his one month birthday, Carter gave us his first big, genuine smiles. We caught one on tape last night that I just had to share:

It's pretty tough not to smile at something like that.

And yet, every smile comes with a heavy sigh afterward it seems. Especially with every milestone that Jeremy will miss. With every month marker that Carter will celebrate, another month will go by without Jeremy. Today marks 4 months since Jer died. It hardly seems real. Like the blink of an eye and an eternity all wrapped into one.

Just when I think things might start getting easier, the emptiness of my day-to-day existence without him rears it's ugly head and knocks me back down to the ground. And although I relive that horrible day in my head constantly, it's really the dull ache of every day life without him by my side that seems to be killing me softly.

And knowing that everything about Carter's life right now is bittersweet somedays is just too much. Here's hoping that as time goes by, those good milestones will outshine the still very painful ones.