Happy Birthday Princess

Faith at her Pump-It-Up party tonight

5 years ago today, I had been in labor for more than 24 hours, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first child - a beautiful baby girl - and I was finally ready to push...

I haven't been able to get it out of my head the last few hours. Thinking about Jeremy standing next to me holding my hand through the birth is such a contrast to the coldness I felt just a month ago having his son without him. We were so excited to become parents. I had waited my whole life to be a mother. I found my old Xanga post about the day:

Well, the day has finally come - I am a mommy!

Faith Elizabeth King was born Sunday, March 12th @ 12:27am. She weighed 6 lbs. 15 oz. and was 20 1/4 in. long. She's happy, healthy, and the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Labor was quite an experience. I was induced on Friday evening (not pleasant) and when that didn't help they put me on Pitocin drip Saturday morning. I finally was dialated enough to push around 10:30pm. Part of my cervix wasn't dialated as much as the rest, so it was in the way and I tried to push through it. I pushed for about an hour and a half, and nothing was happening. The doctors tried to help Faith along with a vacuum suction, but when that didn't work, I knew something was wrong. The decided that I needed to have an emergency C-Section. I was devastated to hear that after pushing for so long (I even saw the top of her head!) but I knew it was for the best.

When Faith finally arrived, I was so releaved just to know that she was okay. The hardest part was not getting to see her (except for about 2 seconds upside down) until 3:30am, and I didn't get to hold her until Sunday afternoon. At least Jeremy got to hold her right when she was born. Faith went straight to NICU and was there for about 36 hours, to monitor her blood sugar levels (which are good!). All we could do was visit her and feed her until she was able to come into our room.

Long story short (well, short-er), everyone is doing good. My recovery will take awhile, I am pretty sore and not able to move around much, but I am fortunate enough to have an amazing husband who is taking wonderful care of me and our gorgeous baby. And Faith is a good baby - she is making it really easy on me. She is sleeping through the night, and she is the most content baby I've ever seen (who knows how long it will last, but we are trying to enjoy every moment). She is so much tinier than we expected her to be, so we don't have anything that really fits her.

We're finally home, but Faith is a little Jaundiced. Nothing to worry about, she's been sitting in the sun all day and feeding well, so hopefully tomorrow after they take her blood (again!), she won't have to stay at the hospital under lights. Especially since Jeremy's family is coming tomorrow to see her.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. Jeremy are I are so blessed to add this little angel to our family.

This year, I should be writing about the incredible 5 years we've had. I should be posting about the plans we have as a family to celebrate. I should be blogging about how so much has changed but I wouldn't change the last 5 years for anything...

Only, I can't.

Because I would change it. I would change the last 4 months, without batting an eye. I know Jeremy would want to be here to celebrate with us. I know he would be oozing with love and pride for his princess. I'm heartbroken that so much sadness will accompany celebrating Faith's birthday this year. Yes, we'll celebrate. Yes, we'll laugh and enjoy the incredible little girl Faith has become. But with every beat, my heart bleeds out knowing Jeremy will never get to see any of his children through their first 5 years of life.

Every year, I write a birthday letter to my kids. This year, I don't know where to start for Faith. I fear it will be harder to write than my letter to Carter, because she has memories of her daddy, and yet little understanding of what's happening to our family. How do explain the fact that daddy was here one day, and not the next? I've been tearing up all day thinking about it.

I feel injustice for my sweet girl tonight. Injustice for the future she was robbed of, a future without the most important man in her life - her daddy. Her daddy was absolutely crazy about her and would do anything for her. I've been reading his old posts from when Faith turned 3, over and over again today. If nothing else, I want to make sure she never forgets the extraordinary man he was for her and how much he cherished her.

Forget the changes that 5 years can bring. Life can forever change in the blink of an eye.

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl.