Happy Birthday Princess

Faith at her Pump-It-Up party tonight

5 years ago today, I had been in labor for more than 24 hours, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first child - a beautiful baby girl - and I was finally ready to push...

I haven't been able to get it out of my head the last few hours. Thinking about Jeremy standing next to me holding my hand through the birth is such a contrast to the coldness I felt just a month ago having his son without him. We were so excited to become parents. I had waited my whole life to be a mother. I found my old Xanga post about the day:

Well, the day has finally come - I am a mommy!

Faith Elizabeth King was born Sunday, March 12th @ 12:27am. She weighed 6 lbs. 15 oz. and was 20 1/4 in. long. She's happy, healthy, and the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Labor was quite an experience. I was induced on Friday evening (not pleasant) and when that didn't help they put me on Pitocin drip Saturday morning. I finally was dialated enough to push around 10:30pm. Part of my cervix wasn't dialated as much as the rest, so it was in the way and I tried to push through it. I pushed for about an hour and a half, and nothing was happening. The doctors tried to help Faith along with a vacuum suction, but when that didn't work, I knew something was wrong. The decided that I needed to have an emergency C-Section. I was devastated to hear that after pushing for so long (I even saw the top of her head!) but I knew it was for the best.

When Faith finally arrived, I was so releaved just to know that she was okay. The hardest part was not getting to see her (except for about 2 seconds upside down) until 3:30am, and I didn't get to hold her until Sunday afternoon. At least Jeremy got to hold her right when she was born. Faith went straight to NICU and was there for about 36 hours, to monitor her blood sugar levels (which are good!). All we could do was visit her and feed her until she was able to come into our room.

Long story short (well, short-er), everyone is doing good. My recovery will take awhile, I am pretty sore and not able to move around much, but I am fortunate enough to have an amazing husband who is taking wonderful care of me and our gorgeous baby. And Faith is a good baby - she is making it really easy on me. She is sleeping through the night, and she is the most content baby I've ever seen (who knows how long it will last, but we are trying to enjoy every moment). She is so much tinier than we expected her to be, so we don't have anything that really fits her.

We're finally home, but Faith is a little Jaundiced. Nothing to worry about, she's been sitting in the sun all day and feeding well, so hopefully tomorrow after they take her blood (again!), she won't have to stay at the hospital under lights. Especially since Jeremy's family is coming tomorrow to see her.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. Jeremy are I are so blessed to add this little angel to our family.

This year, I should be writing about the incredible 5 years we've had. I should be posting about the plans we have as a family to celebrate. I should be blogging about how so much has changed but I wouldn't change the last 5 years for anything...

Only, I can't.

Because I would change it. I would change the last 4 months, without batting an eye. I know Jeremy would want to be here to celebrate with us. I know he would be oozing with love and pride for his princess. I'm heartbroken that so much sadness will accompany celebrating Faith's birthday this year. Yes, we'll celebrate. Yes, we'll laugh and enjoy the incredible little girl Faith has become. But with every beat, my heart bleeds out knowing Jeremy will never get to see any of his children through their first 5 years of life.

Every year, I write a birthday letter to my kids. This year, I don't know where to start for Faith. I fear it will be harder to write than my letter to Carter, because she has memories of her daddy, and yet little understanding of what's happening to our family. How do explain the fact that daddy was here one day, and not the next? I've been tearing up all day thinking about it.

I feel injustice for my sweet girl tonight. Injustice for the future she was robbed of, a future without the most important man in her life - her daddy. Her daddy was absolutely crazy about her and would do anything for her. I've been reading his old posts from when Faith turned 3, over and over again today. If nothing else, I want to make sure she never forgets the extraordinary man he was for her and how much he cherished her.

Forget the changes that 5 years can bring. Life can forever change in the blink of an eye.

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl.


Jen said...

She will never forget what an amazing man her dad was because you will always remind her. The strength and love he had for her is shown through you.
She looks so much like him. Remember that they are the pieces of him that you will never lose. He is always with you in them

widowisland said...

I so get these feelings. Every year my youngest has his birthday, I can barely stand it. His dad died before his first birthday. Like your new baby, he will never had his dad with him for his birthday. It breaks my heart. As my older son reaches 13 this year I am so glad his dad isn't here to lead him into manhood. We were so looking forward to this time of his life. It's just not fair for these sweet children to grow up without their fathers. I think your word "robbed" says it all...they were truly robbed.

Losing Brownies said...

I had to have an emergancy c/s with my son too. It was a rough experience, but he is healthy and happy.

I hope your little girl has a great birthday, even if it will be a struggle without her father.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Happy birthday Faith! March birthdays are awesome (mine's tomorrow!). Your Pump-It-Up Party sounds like an awesome time.

Sarah Hannon said...


megan said...

I think that's a beautiful letter for her, just as it is.

xo and love to you

Kendra said...

you really do have some beautiful kids veronica! happy birthday faith! your kids are gonna grow up & know,that even though their daddy wasn't there,that you kept his memory alive,they are gonna thank you for being the mommy that you are to them! hugs!

Glenda said...

Happy Birthday Faith! I'm sure you will keep his memory alive for the kids and they will know what an amazing father and husband he was to your lil family.

LittlePaintedPolkaDots said...

Happy Birthday to your sweet little princess. Hugs and prayers to all of you!

white collar | green soul said...

your princess looks like the perfect combination of her mom and dad - she's such a beautiful littl girl. i hope she'll remember how amazing her mom was even though she was so sad - and how great she made her feel.
- agata.

Kim said...

Happy Birthday to your Princess, and hoping you find the words to explain everything to her. You're such a strong, intelligent woman,I have faith that you will convey everything with love and integrity. Praying for you and your family, always.

Pointy Pix said...

I've been reading your blog for a while but rarely comment because whatever I want to say just seems so trite and cliched. I'm not in your situation, I don't even have children so I can't begin to know the pain you are going through but my heart aches for you every time I read your beautiful, eloquent posts. Your children are beautiful and while they have been robbed of their daddy, they will be so proud of their mummy as you raise them with all the love your husband would've shared with you. You are an inspiration. x


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