12.18.2010

A letter to Peanut

My dear sweet Carter,

This is by far the hardest letter I've ever had to write. I'm not even sure where to begin. Just three days after I wrote your last letter, I experienced my absolute worse nightmare: I lost your daddy, the greatest love of my life. And I've been drowning ever since...

Oh sweet boy, I can't describe the pain my heart feels when I think about the fact that you will never know the incredible man your daddy was. In your last letter, I told you I'd never be able to do this without him, and I really don't know if I can. I've never been so scared of anything in my life. So many things hurt to think about, but this is the hardest by a mile. Your daddy was supposed to be the first to hold you, like he was with Faith and Caleb. He was supposed to be by my side to welcome you into the world, love you, raise you, show you how to be a good man.

I wish I had something inspiring to say to you right now to take with you, but the truth is, I'm hurting too much. I'm trying so hard to stay strong for you and your brother and sister, but this is just not fair. There's no better way to say it: it's not fair. You don't deserve to grow up without a daddy. He was soooo excited to meet you. He was already dreaming of taking you and Caleb hunting and fishing, shooting and hanging with the boys. I just simply cannot be those things for you. I know I have to fill the role of two parents now, and I'm completely terrified. I depended on daddy for so much, I feel so lost right now.

If there is one thing I can say, it's that I promise to keep daddy's memory alive for you. I promise that you will know his face, and he will be a regular part of our daily conversation, because he will always be an important part of our family. I will try my hardest to make him known to you, so you can witness the impact your daddy had on the world, and you can still learn from his example. Another thing I can say is that you are loved. So many people are stepping up to watch out for us and take care of us. But I truly believe all of that is a direct result of the man your daddy became. A man who loved God and loved his family.

I may only have half a heart left right now, but I promise to give all that I have left to you. Please forgive me if I can't always be what you need in life. I truly don't know how I am going to do this, but I know we'll survive, somehow. We have to, or I'd have died of a broken heart by now. Daddy really has become our angel, and I know he's already looking out for us.

I love you, baby boy, and I will try my hardest to get us through this together. I hope the strain and stress of this great tragedy has not affected you too much. I have a feeling though, that you're already much stronger than I am.

I love you, Carter.

Mommy
















22 comments:

Brooke said...

Your letter breaks my heart. You will be the best mommy to Carter, and you'll find a way to be the best of both parents. Your husband would be happy to know how much you deeply want him to be remembered daily. I can't imagine your pain, but please know that we are all wishing the best for you and your family.

angie on maui said...

Sending you love, Vee. <3

xoxo.

Zookeeper Jess said...

I am so heartbroken for you.

I wish so much that this was all just a nightmare for you.

Praying.

Tiffany said...

Your letter is heartbreaking. But you will find the strength to do this. You are exactly right about having an angel there to help you. Praying for you and your family.

trininista said...

My heart truly breaks for you. Yet you show so much strength and such grace. God has blessed you with so much and in the face of such an enormous challenge, you are showing you are indeed worthy of each blessing. I am indeed so very sorry for your loss, but your kids have an awesome mum, who will never let them forget how awesome their dad was and forever will be. My prayers are with you honey.

Adriana Iris said...

Sending you love and healing energy.

Jess said...

sending prayers and hugs your way!!!!

LittlePaintedPolkaDots said...

I pray for you every single day. I won't stop. My heart hurts for you. I wish we could take some of the pain from you. I probably say the same thing every time I comment, but I truly mean it. You're in our thoughts and prayers!!!

Sara said...

I am truly sorry for your loss. Thank you for including us all in your journey. You are so covered by prayer.

Amanda said...

I love you vee....and thank-you for letting me be a part of today.....I am sorry I could not stay longer......

Love, Amanda

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Such a sweet letter Vee and you're looking really good. My heart goes out to you and your kiddos.

Anyes said...

You are so courageous, I keep thinking of you and sending you prayers of strength. I know your husband is still watching over you from wherever he is now, with love and admiration.

Tamara Johnson said...

I wish I had the right words but they just fail me. We love you and are here for you forever. Mark would LOVE to take your kids fishing (and hunting of course when they're old enough...) and tell them all about how great of a fisherman their dad was. Mark told me that he and Jeremy were already excited about taking our kids out next summer. I've gathered that you hate fish but if you want to go, we can work on our tans (ok, for me, sunburn) while the kids fish.
Everyday I pray for your strength and for healing. Everyday I pray that God shows me how to be a comfort to you and your family. We love you all.

Missy said...

You're right, this isn't fair.
I will be praying that you will receive God's comfort and strength even though there is no understanding why this happened.

Mandy said...

I found your blog through a friend and have started covering your sweet family in prayer. You are on my mind. . and I'm so heartbroken for you. . it's just not fair!

I admire you for being strong for your kids. They are lucky to have you as a mom.

lindsey said...

Beautiful letter Vee. I am praying for you and your family...

Megan said...

No words anyone says will heal the pain you're experiencing. I am praying you can find peace and unspeakable joy this Christmas, and feel God's arms wrapped around you tightly. He loves you, never forget that.

erynn said...

Carter will cherish these letters you write to him. I know you don't feel it right now, but you are so strong in continuing to write these sweet letters to baby Carter.

vickdn said...

These letters are so precious and your baby will thank you so much one day. You are so strong to write them. I hope they help you to heal, by getting it all off of your chest. I don't know how you are staying so strong through all of this, but I'm sure those kids are a motivation. What you are going through is so not fair. I admire your strength through it all. Thinking & praying for you this holiday season!

Doreen said...

Dear Victoria
I heard of your blog from our Pastor here in Thessalon at the church of Christ.
My prayers go out to you in these days of darkness. There are no words to make you feel better. God's love is there waiting to help you through it. Just take it one day at a time and know that God loves you very much.
I am new to Thessalon...we moved here from Vancouver Island just this past September to be closer to our kids and grandkids.
I am offering my help if you need it. Babysitting, shopping etc. ...I have 5 grandsons that I adore and miss. Maybe even help you with some company when you are feeling at your worst. I realize you don't know me and I am a stranger but I love God and I would love to help you in some way if you need it. Sometimes it is good to share things with people who didn't know your husband as it is easier to talk .
I live in Little Rapids and I can certainly pass my name along to our pastor.
I am the soap lady in town...www.smilingfish.ca...you can reach me there.
God bless you and your little ones.
Doreen Fish

Crazy Daisy said...

Hello - I'm not sure how I found your blog this evening, however I am at a complete loss for words as I read this post. I am praying for you and your family - I cannot imagine your loss.

Lynn B said...

Hi Vee
We've never met but I am Jeremys' 2nd cousin. Aunt Barb and Uncle Jack has told me of your loss my condolences go out to you and your wee ones. Stay strong and take one day at a time. God Bless Lynn B

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails