12.31.2010

The world through death-colored glasses

Everything is different now.

Everything I do now has a different meaning, a different pain attached to it. Every movie I see and song I hear has a different meaning now - and they all seem aimed at making me miserable and reminding me of what I've lost. Every smile and laugh is masking hurt and despair. Every thought I have has attached to it a dreadful afterthought. Everywhere I go I am marked with a Scarlet letter, only it's a giant W on my forehead for everyone to pity.

Looking at the world through death-colored glasses makes everything dark and gray. It takes so much more effort to see anything, to want to see anything. It makes it hard to find joy in the little things. Instead it makes me want to wallow in my own self-pity. 

The only problem is, the world won't stop for me to wallow. No matter how much I've begged it to.

I hate this. I deserve a moment to stop and process. A moment to figure things out. Shouldn't everyone know what an incredible man the world has lost? Shouldn't everyone stop what they're doing?

Nope. The world keeps moving without me.

I've survived my first Christmas without Jeremy, somehow, without my consent. Even saying that makes his death seem so distant when it was still just weeks ago. I'm not ready to jump all these hurdles so soon. Or at all, really.  I didn't really face it until today how much I am dreading New Years. I knew it would be tough, but I was trying to face Christmas first. Now, I am getting sick to my stomach thinking about it. Facing a year Jeremy will never see, never be a part of, absolutely kills me. The first year memories will be made without him, the year his son will be born without ever meeting him...

The year I am forced to wear these damned glasses everywhere I go.

I'm dreading every second.



28 comments:

Jackie said...

Still praying for you...I am sure it will take a long, long time, but it will get easier at some point.

Marla said...

I have been reading and crying and not commenting for a bit now. What is there to say? What can anyone say? I hate this for you more than words could ever express.

I have been praying for weeks and will continue to pray. It's the best I can give.

Darcy said...

i am crying as i write this...i am so sorry. i am so so sorry.

Karen Peterson said...

I know it's hard, but I'm really glad you are writing through this horrible time. It's honest and fresh and painful, but as someone who's only ever lost a very ill grandparent, what you've written these past few weeks has helped me understand things more from the perspective of friends that have lost loved ones. I know I'll never fully understand it until it happens to me, but having a glimpse makes me see things so much differently.

*kMs* said...

ive been keeping up with your blogs for awhile now,keeping you in my thoughts & prayers..i am SO sorry that you have to go through this..know that you are not alone & that all of us will do anything we can to help you & your sweet babies..lots of hugs to you in 2011,i wish you the very best.

Frugal Jen said...

I've been reading and praying for you. Sending prayers and strength.

trininista said...

As we close this year and enter a new one, so many of us look towards hope and my hope for you is that you will find the strength day by day to meet each moment without him. I have no other words because words are incomplete, but my heart is filled with prayers for you and your family.

Mandy said...

I found your blog through another blog I read. I have cried with you after reading every post that you write about Jeremy. Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you from the depths of my soul. Over Christmas Break I have been not been sleeping well and I believe God has me awake for a reason. Every time I am awake God lays your name on my heart and I pray...I pray that you find some sort of peace that surpasses understanding. Take care and know that many are praying for you.

Meeghan said...

There are no words...praying for you and your little ones.

Losing Brownies said...

I heart breaks for you. We lost my brother 4 years ago. Losing a husband is not that same as losing a brother, but loss is hard. The first couple of years, especially around the holidays were so hard on everyone. Over time it's become a little less horrible, but it still hurts. I hope that you find peace in some form.

Kolein said...

Still carrying you and your children in my heart, Vee.

xo
~Kolein

Nicole said...

Vee .. I am fasting from the internet to pray you through this transition of the new year. Take care of yourself.
Nicole

LittlePaintedPolkaDots said...

Praying for you. Today and everyday.

Anonymous said...

May 2011 bring a miracle that somehow lifts the burden you are presently feeling...

There are so many helpless people who would do anything to split this grief up so you didn't have to carry so much of it yourself.

Katie W. said...

I would see things the same way you do if I lost my husband. Every thing would be death colored also.

I can hardly get through some of his deployments. He is a pilot and I am always scared something is going to happen to him.

I have lost half the men/boys in my family already, so I know grief, but cannot imagine losing my husband.

I am so sorry that you had to lose your love. I wish I had magic words for you. You WILL make it through though, limping and tired but you WILL make it. You will make it for your children and for your new baby. And ONE day it will get lighter and you will wonder HOW you made it there.
I will keep praying for you and your children. Keep being brave (yes, you are!)and just take it day by day, minute by minute.

~Katie

Mom1981 said...

Every day I try to write something to you, but words can't come to me, Veronica. I can only cry for you. I read and hear what you are saying yet I can't do anything to ease this pain you have. You are such a beautiful person, inside and outside. You have photos of wonderful smiles, with love deep within that is shining through and I wonder when your whole face will truly light up again as it did in those many photos. So many people, even those who've never met you, feel so much love and compassion for you Veronica, not pity. I know this because I am one of them. I know this doesn't help your loss but I know this because Jeremy was very dear to my nephew.

There's a person in my life, who never cries, yet has cried when your words have been read. Your words are so real. Your pain is unimaginable yet you describe it so well. I hope that by writing out your thoughts, you feel "heard" and know that others want to understand your feelings. Hang on Veronica, Hang on. This is still very fresh, less than two months is not a long time. Let everyone help you, that offers. It's not pity, it's love.
Continually praying for you and your children.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Every day, Vee. My heart and thoughts are with you and your little ones. May they be your strength and your light. I am hoping and praying for you constantly. Most of all, I pray that you will have peace wherever, whenever and however your heart can find it.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

You've done a great job Vee of making us all know what a wonderful, awesome man your husband is. Hugs to you and prayers every day! May 2011 bring you some kind of peace and understanding.

Anonymous said...

Just so very, very sorry. I keep praying for you, crying at the beautiful words you've written and the pain you're experiencing, even though I've never met you or gone through any of this myself. I hope that each coming year brings just a little more peace for you.

Anonymous said...

I cry every time I read any of your posts. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. There's nothing I can say to comfort you except to remind you of what you already know...God loves you, put your hope in him. Love and prayers.

Anonymous said...

You are in my prayers. I hurt for you, but you are going to make it, and be stonger through it all. May you feel the arms of Jesus around you. We all love you.
Jeri

Priscilla - Wheelchair Mommy said...

You don't know me and I've never visited your blog before but I just wanted to say that I am SO-SO-SO sorry.

Shannon said...

I found your blog through another blog I read and like many others, I cried as I read your story. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Life just isn't fair! I will be thinking of you and praying that life will get better. Thank you for sharing your story.

Tiffany said...

You my friend are surviving - and that is all the world, and you can ask of yourself. You are doing exactly what you need to do.

I must say, we don't pity you - we mourn with you. A very big difference. You have the prayers of so many, someday you will feel them. Jeremy is one of those - only he has the direct link, he is at the right hand of God directly praying for you. His are having the most impact - kind of a wonderful thing, no?

deardarl said...

There are others here with those same glasses. It doesn't fix anything I know, but you are not alone.

Kirsten Alana said...

Veronica,
I'm sorry now, that I never got to know you or Jeremy better during my time at Rochester. I squandered an opportunity that I cannot get back.
So I'm sorry now that you have had to go through this to make me want to know you better ... so I could know how to help.
Right now, I can't imagine anything I can do that will help.
Except for this, maybe. Sharing with you
http://whiteelephantintheroom.tumblr.com/
She lost her husband suddenly as well. Her writings on this are VERY powerful and while I cannot guarantee they will help you, I think they could.
Know you and the kids are in my prayers.
Love, Kirsten

Nancy @ momjustlikeyou said...

My eighth child, my daughter, Kara Faith died last February. I hated the pity. It made me so sad. I wish some could have known her like we did... They wouldn't pity me. There was a lot of attention at first, but then everyone goes on with their lives and you are left to deal with the daily grief that comes in waves. I will be praying for you. May God comfort your soul and bring peace to you and your little ones...

vickdn said...

Your words move me every time. Even in such a tragedy, you write so beautifully. You express your feelings so eloquently and so truthfully, so much that you make all of us FEEL the pain you are feeling. I empathize with you, not pity you. Because I don't want to ever experience that pain and I know that you have to. I don't know you, but you are a human being and that is why I empathize with you. I hate that any person has to deal with this kind of pain. Let alone a mother of young ones, and of a young one-to-be. No one has the answers, no one knows why this happens. That makes it so much harder. I know it's tough, but please keep writing. I hope you are finding some peace through it, because you are definitely enlightening all of your readers' lives. And no one will judge you for having on those death-colored glasses. It is so understandable. I would think you were not human if you didn't. Thinkin of you always, Vee. Stay strong.

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